Nanny Dilemma

[BlankStreetMatcha]

I feel terrible for bring this problem to here, I have no children of my own so I would like some advice from other mothers.

So....

I am currently Nanny to a 12 year old boy, this is my sixth year working with this family, they are lovely people and I am really enjoy being part of their family and they've always treated me very well.

Now the Dilemma is Mum & Dad want to take a 12 day holiday alone and they've asked if I could take care of their son in the meanwhile. I have never minded helping them out in the past, a few days here and there, I don't feel as if they realise that I have a life of my own, and them dragging me away from it can be a huge inconvenience at times.

I find it very hard to say no, simple reason he is the most sweetest child you'd ever come across, and he has always been an absolute pleasure to take care of.

It seems like Mum & Dad do not want him or only want him with them when it's convenient for them i.e family events etc, they haven't attended parents evening for years, it's always been left down to me, which I don't mind, but I just can't comprehend why they don't feel the need to have any input in his school life or his life in general.

During the last couple of months there has been a few times when he has randomly expressed that he hates his Mum & Dad, I have never asked him why, because I don't feel as if it is my business or my right to question him further, and he is at that age children tend to start expressing themselves. I just tell him that they love him very much and then change the subject.

I feel as they believe showering him with the most expensive gifts, ludicrous clothing brands and the latest gadgets makes up for the time unspent with him and I just can't understand why they don't want to bring him along with them on their holiday.

I had made plans and now I feel as if it's my only option to cancel them, if I say no I am instantly going to feel guilty and they will probably try and palm him off with someone else, he should not be made to feel unwanted.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

I feel comfort knowing that you understand, you sound like a lovely person.

You're in a professional role - i think you should suggest it. Does he get the opportunity to go on school trips? Would you take him and a friend somewhere?

It doesn't have to be abroad.

I would look after the boy, but of course for a much higher amount of money than usual. Not out of sheer greed, but night nannying has to be paid too, as anything can happen during the night and then you’ll have to deal with the situation. Plus 12 days are quite long so I would really milk them for what it’s worth.
So let’s say you earn £150 a day normally. I would ask for £400 a day. Not just because of the full-on hours but because of the responsibility too.

Yes, he always go on residential trips with the school which he very much enjoys.

That is a good suggestion, but I wouldn't feel totally comfortable being responsible for someone else's child. He regularly has a friend come with us on day trips which I have always encouraged.

Would you take him alone? Something mkke a mark warmer or nielson or again?

Your post is something of an oxymoron, because they don't sound like really lovely people at all. I think you need to slowly detach yourself from this family, and remove yourself from your emotional attachment to this boy. It's a shame for him, but they have gone too far now. Expecting you to have him for nearly 2 weeks while they go on a jolly is dreadful parenting.

But it's not your circus, or your monkeys. I think you need to find a new job @BlankStreetMatcha

They've already offered me a substantial amount, but it's really not about the money.

I'll keep saying this over and over again.... I just don't understand why they don't want take him with them.

I am going to take care of him and I will make sure that we have plenty of fun, whatever we decide to do.

Poor boy. He’s lucky to have you x

Thank you, he often says he is lucky and happy that he has me.

You sound lovely OP, and whilst you should say no, I suspect you won’t. Neither would I, so no judgement, i’m very much a yes person too.

Why not take the boy on a UK break, maybe a theme park, Alton Towers etc. That way he gets a break, so do you, but no pressure of taking him overseas.

That sound ideal, I will ask him what he'd like to do.

You don’t have to understand them.
Nannies can grow close to the children they look after (and their parents too) but at the end of the day:

• he is not your child and you are not part of their family, no matter how many times they say it. You have your own family.
• It is a job and a business arrangement.

Btw it is very unlikely you’ll be there much longer, as children rarely have nannies over the age of 12, so this situation is not very likely to reoccur in the future.Just sayin’..

As a nanny your role is to look after the child but also to communicate your perspective about his needs and development to his parents as a bit of a handover. I wonder about saying to them - he really misses you. Saying, I hope I'm a reasonable substitute when you can't be with him, I care very much about him, but you are his parents and a part of him is very much questioning why you can't be with him at times. Or even going on to say - - You're so important to him and my concern is that these questions are going to get bigger in his mind as he grows older.

Having said that, it is clear that having this connection with you is really important for this poor boy, and you may rightly worry about rocking the boat. My worry would be that they would send him to boarding school next. Do you know if they are preparing for this or if that's not on their radar?

I agree with you, I will be here until he finishes school, that's another 4 years. I dread to think what is going to happen when I leave. They initially were adamant that he would attend boarding school and return home fortnightly. I saw how much the thought of it was making him anxious so I took it upon myself and raised it as concern to them.

I just can't bring myself to express my feelings, I feel as they might see it as being disrespectful.

If you look at my last reply, they were adamant that he was going to attend boarding school, that is the only time I've really spoke up.

Oh god they are such fuckers.
I-d be inclined to charge £8 or £10k for the week and take him to eurodisney on their dime... at 11/12 what can happen really

Of you are with him until gcse - 6th form boarding actually might be better for him - he will make some "brothers'

It is such a privilege to be this person in the life of a you g person who needs you OP. You know what is the right thing too do and if you can get these awful people to pay you through the nose for it, so much the better.

They don't go to parents evenings?! What must the school think?

Half surprised social services aren't involved given that his parents don't seem to parent.

The other thing is that he's on the cusp of becoming a teenager and a young man. His parents really need to be present for that or are you going to be expected to navigate his teenage years with him too? That's not something that you should be getting into IMHO 🥴

The boy is experiencing emotional neglect at the very least. His parents have not managed to build a relationship with their child. He's not being nurtured by them. Likely the boy feels very lonely because of that.

You shouldn't tell him his parents love him. He decides if he feels loved by them or not. He says he hates them so your response has been dismissive. I suggest you do something with him that can nurture/soothe him. An activity, just talking or something else when he expresses something like that. You can listen and accept what he says without confirming or denying his truth.

Likely his parents parent the way they were parented. In what way are they lovely people? They don't sound lovely at all.

Sorry, we must have cross posted. Well, I do see your dilemma. I do think though that he might need a separate space to express these feelings he has about his parents and come to some acceptance or understanding of his parents limitations then, with a good, experienced child psychotherapist.

This isn't about trusting you. They simply don't care.

He'll be ok by the time he leaves school. Its amazing how they grow up!

And by then you can drop him the occasional email etc as he can to you, so you wont lose touch the way nannies with very young children do.

I have been around since he was 6 years of age, I have always dealt with the school side of things, it's always been me who has done the drop offs and pick ups.

His Mum once told me that his school can provide transport, there are pick up and drop of points and didn't have to do it. I believe that it is nice to be taken and collected from school by a parent/guardian.