To cancel my wedding

[OrangeCrushes]

I don't really want to get married, but that's another story. My fiancé is my life partner and it's important to him.

We are planning a large-ish wedding and have put down deposits for a number of things. I have been married before and I am embarrassed by the whole thing. It's also very expensive and time-consuming.

We have told many people that they will be invited. It is scheduled for the next Easter holiday period. No doubt these people will have made plans and shifted their schedules.

Things are strange at work (I work FT) and I wanted to study for a major exam to take place in January which would contribute to my job security. Realistically, I can't have a wedding and take the exam. My child also requires loads of extra support

WIBU to cancel the whole thing? I don't feel I can handle the extra stress of this wedding on top of everything else. But I committed to my partner and loads of people are already planning to attend.

Yes. It seems it’s not being married to her partner that bothers her, but the hassle involved in something that has had negative associations in the past.

Doing things for people we live is perfectly normal.

Kindly, you've gone down some hole where you're making things 100x harder on yourself and it's all or nothing.

It's 2025, no one cares about bridesmaids dresses and shoes. Your DP wants a fun day to marry you and celebrate it with your friends and family.

You seem to think that means some Instagram level event with matching shoes and perfect photos. You don't even want that, you don't have time for it.

I absolutely love attending knees up in a pub type weddings. Following a simple service that I haven’t necessarily attended. A good party is brilliant!
Without all the stress / cost / nonsense.

Of course you don’t have to get married if you don’t want to. But if it’s important to your partner you need to face that this might be an end of relationship deal breaker.

This sounds tough. It seems like you’re pulled between people pleasing (not a criticism, I get you don’t want to hurt your partner or let people down) and perfectionism (having a wedding day you’re not “embarrassed” by). Is hurting your partner by cancelling marginally easier than letting go of the need to perfectionist-ly control the day? In practice it sounds like it would be worse, with bigger consequences, and I wonder if there’s a way you can let go of the perfectionism

Or don’t get married. It does sound like you’re railroading yourself. But if you truly do want to do it for your partner, and you don’t have the time and headspace to do it the way you would ideally like, the only thing left to do is explore what is it about going with the flow that feels so painful and undoable to you

I have to agree; what if you desperately wanted to get married and he didn’t, who’d win out then? 🤔

(answer: the one with the penis, I would expect… 😩)

I take it you want to stay with your partner but you don't like the fuss of the day, centre of attention, etc.? If that's the case, just sneak off and do it very low key with two witnesses. I had six people at mine and have always felt it was too many and shudder to remember it. Very happily married though, 15 years still going strong. Tell people early. Many will understand perfectly. Easter is still a long way off. Those who don't understand should appreciate the wedding's for you, not them.

You shouldn't get married.

Gently, I'd suggest that it's ok to listen to your thoughts above worrying what everyone else will do (about changed plans etc), we can often think we are doing things to please others, when in fact, what they would want is for us to be our genuine self, not to put up a front that we think they want to see. If the first thing that comes to mind is all the reasons that it isn't possible/won't work/ won't be the right sort of day/isn't possible any other time, it's your way of telling yourself that you really don't want to get married. That's ok, and it's ok to listen to your feelings- marriage is not something you should do if you don't 100% want to ... maybe you need to let your partner know, and allow him the chance to decide whether it's a deal breaker for him or not...

Apologies for sounding mean, genuinely.
I just think that if things in the relationship were right, you would be able to be honest about your feelings. But instead of communicating with him, you’re on here telling us that his tastes are basic, that you don’t want a tacky wedding, that you can’t be bothered, etc.
I mean, I get it! You’ve clearly got a perfectionist streak but it’s hard to find the impetus to do it when you don’t actually want to get married! And yes, it is overwhelming, especially on the back of a big exam and with your daughter’s issues.
Be honest with yourself, OP, do you think you’re doing the right thing by being in this relationship, never mind getting married?
Your OP honestly sounds like it could have been written 100 years ago. There’s just something very old-fashioned about needing a man to protect you and feeling that you have no choice in things.
Whatever happens, I wish you well x

Not until a year from now! Which seems like a long time.

why were you so dishonest with your life partner? you both have made loads of plans and he is no doubt excited about the wedding. do you normally do things you don't necessary enjoy to get positive attention? I think your partner should know how you feel, explain why you went ahead with the idea despite not wanting to, and why you now want to cancel the wedding for your exams. he may not want to marry if he explores the situation enough...

Have you made sure you are financially protected? You've made sure this isn't why he wants marriage?

Clearly you've never reached the point of being "done with marriage", after having had two previous marriages to horrible men, including abuse.

That absolutely doesn't mean OP doesn't want to be with her partner, she's just done with the concept of marriage. You can love someone dearly and not want to get married, based on previous awful marriages. That's ok.

I'm on my second marriage, and there's no way in hell I'd get married a third time, even if I loved him dearly.

@OrangeCrushes I really think you need to be honest with your partner. He really should be understanding of your feelings given your previous experiences with marriage. I wouldn't want to get married for a 3rd time either. I'd emphasise how much you love him and your life together, but that you just don't want to get married again.

I really would cancel this wedding, it's plenty of notice, please don't be worrying about the guests. Doing it now makes it easier for everyone.

You're under way too much pressure here and your partner needs to be understanding of this. His wants should not trump yours.

Sounds like you don't want a wedding rather than a marriage. That's the bit to stress to your partner. You love him and want to be married but you don't really want the kind of wedding he (and your mother) wants.

You don't have to make it conform to anyone else's idea of a wedding. You also don't have to take on the stress of worrying about other people's judgements - who cares if other people think it's naff or wrong if you don't have matching bridesmaids and ushers.

Why don't you hand the whole thing over to your partner - tell him you'll source your own dress and turn up on the day but he can sort everything else out from now on. Then just be determined to have fun and turn up.

but marriage is a dealbreaker for some and a partner saying I’ll do it just because you want to isn’t something anyone would want to hear.

It’s ok to not want to get married the same as it’s ok to want to be married but both partners have to be on the same page and wanting the same things. Otherwise the relationship is doomed. The person agreeing for the sake of their partners happiness will build resentment and the one who wanted to marry will start to question if the other is there because they were forced.

but marriage is a dealbreaker for some and a partner saying I’ll do it just because you want to isn’t something anyone would want to hear.

It’s ok to not want to get married the same as it’s ok to want to be married but both partners have to be on the same page and wanting the same things. Otherwise the relationship is doomed. The person agreeing for the sake of their partners happiness will build resentment and the one who wanted to marry will start to question if the other is there because they were forced.

I think the same.
You have priorities you need to deal with - your DD, the exam, the cost of the exam, the high chance of failure if you can't give it your full attention.
I can see why this is important to you because it would give you more career opportunities at a time when people are being made redundant.

At the same time, you said that lots of people have been invited.

Did you both agree a guest list. Who invited the extras? There is ample time to trim it down.?
Who is paying for this event - can you afford it as a family.

It also sounds like the whole thing has run away with you as more people have got involved.. like your mother. I get the sense that no one is listening to you and when you do tell them, they say Oh its really not that much work, which is probably what is overwhelming you.

Is that one of the issues... that there are too many people getting involved and the plans are snowballing?

Your fiance doesn't know what he's talking about if he thinks appointing four bridesmaids is not going to be a lot of extra work. Finding (and paying for!) outfits that everyone is happy with will take time.

So you need to talk to him. People are saying let him organise it. but he doesn't seem clued up at all and thinks everything will be easy. Tell him you are overwhelmed. Need a smaller event or at a later date or whatever, that is if you still want to marry him. Marriage is not the wedding.. so you need to think about what you want for your future. It sounds like you love your fiance but the wedding is becoming overwhelming.. so be assertive and put your foot down.

At the same time, you are seeing problems that are bigger than they are... can't postpone because your DM lives abroad, and your ex won't communicate about when he can have DD . Other people's travel arrangements are entirely their problem. You can make other arrangements for your DD or get a relative to help.
Is the problem that you had a bad marriage previously and you are not really over it yet.

Being done with marriage it fine but it can be a deal breaker for the other person.

I agree don’t marry/marry for the wrong reasons. Don’t just agree because that’s what your partner wants either scenario will cause resentment. But be accepting that it may be a dealbreaker for the other and could end the relationship. Although personally I think it should be discussed way before a proposal or even serious relationship territory.

I don’t think you should be getting married at all I’m afraid. I can see why you’re going along with it, but it seems that now is not the right time. Perhaps a postponement, after you have told your finance everything you have said here. Perhaps tell him you’d rather get married after you have passed your exams, when your daughter is in a happier place, when you are in a better frame of mind to walk down the aisle 100% sure that it’s what you want to do.

Break your cycle.

We did a big wedding because of family pressure, and we regret it. Now me and DH tell anyone who will listen: have the wedding you want. If we could turn back the clock we would have eloped.

I did enjoy my wedding day, the after party was amazing, but it wasn’t worth the stress at all! By the end of it I just could not have given a fuck - we are pretty sure some random guy from the street wandered in as no one can identify him in the pics from the after party.

Cancel it, get married in a registry with some witnesses and then go to the pub. Do what makes you happy.

People keep saying this like he's refusing to do the organizing but that doesn't really sound like the case. She doesn't want him to do the organizing because she doesn't agree with his taste It sounds like he would be willing to do it himself.

Definitely cancel the current plans. Trust me, your guests won’t mind at all this far in advance! The sooner you do it, the less people will mind/ lose out so def cancel asap. if your fiance doesnt understand why you need to do this, then he’s not the man for you. And ignore ignore ignore your mum! This has nothing to do with her!

if you do actually want a marriage then keep the wedding date and do registry office with parents, DD and siblings only (or whoever your most important people are). Maybe 20 people max? Then a nice restaurant for lunch afterwards. Much easier and can all be booked in the next couple of weeks by DH, leaving you free to concentrate on exam.

If you don’t actually want to be married then you need to have this conversation with your partner. It’s not fair to pretend about something so huge. Maybe agree to postpone a year and have the convo next summer when you know what’s happening with job and DD and you can be less guided by stress?

but either way, CANCEL THE BIG EVENT NOW! Your guests really really won’t mind if you cancel this far in advance.

What a lot of conflicting feelings to sort out OP - no wonder you're exhausted by it all.

You've had terrible experiences with marriage, and understandably aren't keen on another.

But you love your partner, who does want marriage, and a big wedding to boot.

So you're going along with his wishes.

But you both have very different tastes and expectations. So you don't want to leave the wedding organisation to him, and end up having a chaotic celebration that would make you feel miserable and resentful.

So you're having to get deeply involved in organising an event you don't want.

But your partner is making even this difficult, because he thinks you're being unnecessarily fussy and creating a huge workload for yourself. He's more easy-going and wants the kind of wedding that 'just happens'.

All this on top of a DD who needs extra care, a pending exam, employment worries, and no family in the country to turn to.

No wonder you're feeling lonely, overburdened and at your wits' end.

What's missing from this picture is an honest conversation between the two of you. It sounds like you've shared more on here than you ever have with him.

You say it would make him very sad to know how much you don't want to get married. But this is a huge part of you - the person he loves - who's been through trauma he can't imagine. Well, you're going to have to help him imagine it, if you want a long-term relationship with him. He sounds a good and decent man. But you're treating him like a child who can't bear too much reality.

Is that the problem - do you think too much reality might scare him off? Or are you making assumptions about him, maybe in a self-sabotaging way?

The fact that he's criticising your handling of the wedding, to me that shows just how far apart you are emotionally. If he knew what all this is taking out of you - as a loving partner he'd be much more supportive, and want to find a solution that works for both of you.

Whether you do or don't eventually get married, you can't keep on carrying these burdens alone. Please talk. It'll be painful but you'll both be better for it.