To cancel my wedding

[OrangeCrushes]

I don't really want to get married, but that's another story. My fiancé is my life partner and it's important to him.

We are planning a large-ish wedding and have put down deposits for a number of things. I have been married before and I am embarrassed by the whole thing. It's also very expensive and time-consuming.

We have told many people that they will be invited. It is scheduled for the next Easter holiday period. No doubt these people will have made plans and shifted their schedules.

Things are strange at work (I work FT) and I wanted to study for a major exam to take place in January which would contribute to my job security. Realistically, I can't have a wedding and take the exam. My child also requires loads of extra support

WIBU to cancel the whole thing? I don't feel I can handle the extra stress of this wedding on top of everything else. But I committed to my partner and loads of people are already planning to attend.

My friend had a lovely wedding in a registry offfice with every one back to a pub garden with sandwiches. Was all lovely, beautiful summers day. She didnt wear a wedding dress or even white. Was still a lovely celebration without the prescribed typical wedding stuff.

That was me and we agreed on a small wedding at a registry office followed by a reception at a local wine bar. Not too pricey, not too much planning.

Be honest? You´re not Princess Di, the day before her weddidng when she saw published Charles´s photos with a blonde (who almost everyone supposed was her) and she knew better. Now that was pressure.

OP, I can feel how desperately stressed and over-burdened you are from your posts. Can you ask yourself whether your partner would prefer a relationship breakdown due to your stress, or a simple, elegant registry office marriage with your parents and child only? The important part is the commitment you are making to them, not the guests. Your friends and family will understand.

Just suck it up and get on with it. It's only going to be as naff as you let it be! If you prefer something low key, have that, it can still be 'big' if you've invited lots of people. You can get a pizza van and a cocktail bar and a dance floor. Wear a bright pink dress, just suit yourself.

And definitely he can organise it. Make him do all guest list related stuff, all comms with caterers and venue. Make him run creative and aesthetic decisions by you.

What does he want attendants for you for? I had a small wedding, 40 people, no bridesmaids. A couple of my friends came wedding dress shopping with me. The rest of the wedding was arranged between DH and I, and we only had what both of us wanted. No evening do. No cars. Very simple. I appreciate you have family coming over from abroad so might have to offer slightly more, but it doesn't have to be huge or fancy.

How kind.

People also had a choice in 1800 🙄

You're full of reasons/excuses about the wedding because you don't want to get married.

You havent said why you don't want to get married. Sharing assets? Not the one? Gut feeling?

I would say: Let your partner organise everything. As long as you have an outfit and you know when and where to turn up, then you shouldn’t have to worry about anything else.

But you also say you don’t want to get married without explaining why…

When is your next opportunity to take this exam? I do perhaps understand what a major exam this would be for you, I am a doctor and our professional exams are huge deals with high failure rates, very costly and require you to basically devote yourself heart and soul to studying any moment you are awake when you’re not working for months on end in order to have a chance at passing. But they are game-changers if/when you do pass. I can totally understand how it would feel impossible to do an exam like this and plan a wedding at the same time, especially if you also have a fiancé and a child to think about, especially one who needs a lot of support.

I agree you sound rather unenthusiastic about the whole thing. However taking what you’ve said at face value which is more that marriage and in particular a big wedding aren’t super important to you and you can’t be bothered with the fuss, but that you see this person as your life partner and understand it’s important to him where you have no strong feelings either way, then I think you should go ahead with it.

Unless this is just an excuse to delay/cancel the wedding. Which I genuinely think is how I would see it if I were your fiancé. As others have said, if that’s the case and you just don’t want to get married then obviously don’t get married!

But if you do, then unless your next opportunity to take this exam is like many years down the line or something then if I were you, from what you’ve said here I would go ahead with the wedding and prioritise wedding planning for now so that it’s a nice event you will both enjoy. If you’re going to get married you may as well enjoy the wedding planning and preparation and make sure things are the way you want them on the day. And consider roping in your mother if she’s enthusiastic about the whole thing if you feel she has better tastes than your fiancé. Bridesmaids too - delegate what you can to whoever you can! Then sit the exam at the next reasonable opportunity after you are married.

Is this the ex who strangled your daughter repeatedly....?

Yes. He's a total piece of shit and family courts support men like this to continue their abuse.

You do not want to get married. Don't do it! If you go ahead with all these reasons why it should not happen, you may as well start planning the divorce now, too. If your relationship is such that you can't be honest enough with your partner to have a heart to heart tell them how you are feeling, it is not a good sign.

Clearly you don’t want to be with your partner otherwise you would be excited at the prospect of getting married!

I'm just not interested in marriage anymore. I have had two bad marriages and I have a child with one of these horrible men, which is a far greater commitment than marriage.

My current (lovely) partner and I have already intermingled our lives to the extent that it would be terrible to break up. It doesn't matter to me whether we are married or not.

You can definitely cancel or postpone indefinitely. Next Easter is ages away, so I wouldn’t worry about having told people. They have heaps of time to rearrange their plans. Getting married is a big thing and people cancel at the last minute, they are not obligated to go ahead with a huge life decision just because someone has to change their appointments diary! Really, of all the things you have to deal with, let that aspect go.

If you really don’t want to be married, but your partner is right for you, then it ought to possible to explain to him why that is in a way that he will understand. If it’s more about having the event of the wedding, then I really would tell him that if he wants to marry next year he has to meet you halfway and do a small event. You shouldn’t have to make all the compromises.

I understand what you are saying about your partner’s feelings but yours are very valid too.

Clearly you have never had an extremely terrible marriage and divorce. Neither has my partner, which is probably why he is excited about getting married.

As he’s lonely and has never had a wedding day, I’d go along with it, but make it clear that he’s in charge. You don’t have the head space for it.

Could you go away just the two of you and get married? We did it this way, our hotel even arranged our witnesses for us. Then at least you get married, but it gets rid of all the admin and headache of a big full-on wedding.

Sorry, just read some of the updates! If you really don't want to get married, then it's worth a conversation with your partner.

If he is that desperate to marry you, surely he'll compromise?

If you've been married twice already surely he can understand that you don't want a big fuss?

That's unfortunate for him if he does but at the end of the day, big/small/fuss overload, the result is the same-you are married.

Would he rather marry on your terms or not marry?

Would you be happy to marry on your terms or still rather not at all?

You'd "go along" with getting married because your partner is lonely and has never had a wedding day?!?!

I don’t think that logic is necessarily true. I adore my partner, and know I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I don’t want to get married. I mean I would, if it meant so much to him, but as it turns out he isn’t interested in marriage either so we are happy growing old together unmarried.

Not wanting to be married doesn’t mean you don’t want to be with your partner long term.

Women all too often didn't. The options were usually marriage to whoever was available if they asked or stay at home with parents and be a sad spinster by the age of 27. Or you could become a governess and die in poverty when the work ran out. Have you never read Jane Austen or any late 18th/ early 19th century literature?