Sad DD says I’m embarrassing

[Reginaphalangeeeee]

Feeling really emotional. DD age 10 said she didn't want me to come to her after school event as I embarrass her.

I think she was taken aback by my shock and upset so hasn't really given an answer as to why.

She said another mum was coming as her friend wanted her to come and help and they didn't need both of us. She said sometimes I talk to her friends too much or in the past spoken to people she is t really friends with anymore.

I am really sad and taken it hard. My daughter has always wanted me there and been proud to be with me. My daughter 13 still wants me around too.

I honestly feel I do so much for my girls, hosted birthday parties, friends around whenever, I talk with them about their worries, surprise trips and treats. Feels like a kick in the teeth. I thought I was ‘one of those good mums’ the type my girls would want me around. I know it's a normal transition they want to be independent but this has hurt me.

DD says she now feels bad and said I can come, but I don't want to be there out of her pity or trying to please me. Feeling sad.😩

I’d be quite sharp with her actually. You are the person running her around, facilitating her social life, helping her with x or y - if you embarrass her, you won’t be doing those things any longer. She owes you an apology.

Gosh sorry to hear that, OP. Must have really hurt. My kids are too young to be embarrassed by me yet but I’m sure it will come. I think one of the problems is that different kids find different things embarrassing so it’s hard to get it right all the time. My sibling Hated people cheering at sports events, found it the most embarrassing ever, so my parents stopped. They also then didn’t cheer for me at my events as they thought it wasn’t the done thing, but my friends all commented on how odd it was that my parents sat there in silence! They couldn’t win!

Well, does she have a point? Do you gush at her friends, and behave in an overly friendly way to former friends?

Surely all kids find their parents embarrassing at some stage? I remember banning my mother from attending school prize days from the age of about 11 onwards - it was mortifying, just the thought of her sitting there as the proud parent. I still hate any fuss at age 60, so I loathe my own birthday, for instance.

Some of us just don't like being fussed over - it's perfectly normal. So please just respect your daughter's wishes. It's not about you - it's about what's best for her.

I think she's just growing up OP, I definitely wouldn't be sharp with her for expressing how she feels. DS is completely embarrassed by me and I was by my parents! Be happy to come to things if she wants you there and prepared to take a step back if she doesn't. It's a shock when it first starts but by 14/15 no one will want their parents hanging around them, that's for sure!

I think being embarrassed by your parents sometimes is part of growing up? I think you’re making too much of it tbh.
Maybe reflect on your behaviour, does she have a point? Are you generally quite chatty with her friends? Maybe tone it down a little, they are all getting older and parents are generally seen as sad/embarrassing/tragic - it does improve again once they get a bit older!

It's pretty normal I think but she should be reminded that words hurt and she should be mindful of that when speaking to people.

I'd also be telling her that until told otherwise you would be taking a step back from the fun stuff. Being taken for granted is a mother's job to a point, but if that's coming out of her mouth then it needs pulling back a bit.

You aren't her friend though, you're her mother. Stop trying so hard with her mates. You're background noise.

Has she explained why? And have you listened to her?

Me too. I'm from another country originally and am always slightly amazed at the way many British kids speak to their parents & what parents put up with. Children are naturally oblivious to how much their parents do for them and sometimes it needs to be spelled out. Likewise it's perfectly fine to let her know that she was rude and hurt your feelings. Would she like it if you told her you found her embarrassing? I would however also work on finding ways for her to say certain things sensitively and constructively, so she can be open with you. I do get that friendships are a minefield for girls that age! So it's a balance.

10 you say? That's old enough to leave home, get a job and look after herself. If it was good enough for the victorian children then it's good enough for now.

But seriously, what a shame OP. You must be so hurt but she is only 10. I'd sit this one out then draw a line under it. Your daughter was just trying to give you feedback, but she done it in the clumsiest way possible. It's all a learning curve for both of you ♥️

I thinknit sounds like she has explained why she was embarrassed. She's trying to be grown up, but do you try and be friends with her friends or talk to them too much? Maybe just 'chill' instead of trying to interject and be ' one of those good mums' ( do you mean a ' she's not just my mum she's my best friend' type mums?) Maybe she has friends of her own and just wants a mum?
She was rude though. Maybe turn up the her thing and really look at what you are doing compared to other parents.

I’d ask her what she’s embarrassed about, explore whether it’s just the relatively normal “parents, soooo lame” stage or something nothing to do with you that she’s worried about, such as e.g. her friends making fun of her home life, or that she’s trying to fit in with a crowd and needs a bit of guidance about not needing to change who she is to suit other people.

I had a friend when we were about the same age whose mum was very much a “my daughter is my best friend” type, and made a big show of getting involved with all her friends when we came over as “one of the girls” and it was uncomfortable to be around then, and downright odd looking back. Are you a bit too chatty and attentive when she has friends around?

It is painful to hear that, but some children are more self conscious. At that age I would dig my heels in and go and brush it off. Talking to other children seems to be an issue, so maybe keep a slightly lower profile

My teen DS doesn’t like having friends over. Am a bit sad about it, but have tried to accept it is just how he is, liking his privacy

Don’t all kids find their parents embarrassing? Mine were excruciating! It’s just part of growing up. I think it varies a bit between children though. My brother was less embarrassed by our parents. My eldest DD isn’t that embarrassed but our youngest already visibly cringes when we speak to her friends!

I have a 10 year old daughter and it’s such a funny age isn’t it. She’s a raging pile of hormones. Screaming out for independence but still enjoys playing with dolls.

Mine loves me to come to things but to be honest I don’t really talk to her friends much. I focus on her. I secretly roll my eyes a bit at the mums who are desperate to be all matey with their kids’ pals. Especially in public.

This. It's worth reflecting on.

Children are naturally oblivious to how much their parents do for them and sometimes it needs to be spelled out

Is that not just being a good parent? It's when you become an adult/parent yourself that you truly realise what your parent(s) done for you.

Definitely still go, I think it’s giving far too much power to a 10 year old to decide whether their parents attend a school event. I would focus on her though and chat to the other adults.

I would also tell her that her behaviour is hurtful, being a tween/teen doesn’t mean you can be rude and nasty without it being challenged.

It's pretty normal I think but she should be reminded that words hurt and she should be mindful of that when speaking to people.

I'd also be telling her that until told otherwise you would be taking a step back from the fun stuff. Being taken for granted is a mother's job to a point, but if that's coming out of her mouth then it needs pulling back a bit.

Seconding @gamerchick . I remember being embarrassed by my own parents but would have been far too scared to tell them. My own DC similar age to yours is starting to be embarrassed by me. It will pass but in the meantime you've still got a bit of leverage especially at this age where you can withdraw other mum provided privileges without doing any harm.

I think all kids do find their parents embarrassing but I thought it was a parent's job to be embarrassing 😂

Is it something like an assembly where parents are invited or a dance that you would be helping/chaperoning?

If the former then absolutely go, she might not think she wants you there but when she sees her friends all with someone to support them she will realise she has messed up and there's no way to fix it at that point.

A dance or school trip, let her decide. My DD almost begged me to be the parent helper on her trip when she was 10. The next year she was like "absolutely not".

It's definitely just a stage with some kids. Pull her up on the way she has told you, maybe modelling a nicer way of saying it, but don't give her into trouble for having the feelings she has.

I would as well. She lives by the grace of you. Her world wouldn't exist without you. I would actually tell her I'll stop doing all these things and stop taking you anywhere if I m an embarrassment.

10 is plenty old enough to understand that.

Well are you too full on as she's getting older?
I used to put a lot of effort into making my sons childhood amazing and I have to check myself these days that he's not as bothered about my overly excitable efforts into creating memories.
Maybe you need to chill a little as she's getting older x

How shocked and upset were you in front of her? It all sounds rather dramatic, maybe she has a point in that you are a bit OTT in social situations and she's not a fan. Maybe dial it down a bit around her friends.

What a petty response that would be. Taking away things she enjoys doing would be so the mother could feel some sort of power over the child. How is that going to help the situation?

This is very normal for preteens. I wouldnt make a big deal about it, or get into a tit for tat with a 10 year old. She’ll grow out of it.