Sad DD says I’m embarrassing

[Reginaphalangeeeee]

Feeling really emotional. DD age 10 said she didn't want me to come to her after school event as I embarrass her.

I think she was taken aback by my shock and upset so hasn't really given an answer as to why.

She said another mum was coming as her friend wanted her to come and help and they didn't need both of us. She said sometimes I talk to her friends too much or in the past spoken to people she is t really friends with anymore.

I am really sad and taken it hard. My daughter has always wanted me there and been proud to be with me. My daughter 13 still wants me around too.

I honestly feel I do so much for my girls, hosted birthday parties, friends around whenever, I talk with them about their worries, surprise trips and treats. Feels like a kick in the teeth. I thought I was ‘one of those good mums’ the type my girls would want me around. I know it's a normal transition they want to be independent but this has hurt me.

DD says she now feels bad and said I can come, but I don't want to be there out of her pity or trying to please me. Feeling sad.😩

But she didn't tell her mother that she was an embarrassment. She told her she was embarrassing, totally different attitudes. She wasn't insolent, she was expressing her opinion to someone, who by the sounds of this post could be very embarrassing. What would you do if your boss, partner or parent constantly embarrassed you. Kiss their shoes so you carried on being given sweeties or express that their behaviour was embarrassing and you'd like to address it. No wonder so many children go NC with their mothers.

Having read your updates, do you think that your relationship witb your own mum is playing a part in your feelings here? Eg you've tried really hard and been successful at being very different to your own mum. Yet your daughter is still embarrassed and so it feels like a similar outcome that you tried hard to avoid? I don't mean to be patronising and not saying that what she said wasn't hurtful. But most tweens act like this at some point and most of the time parenta take it with a pinch of salt

But she didn't tell her mother that she was an embarrassment. She told her she was embarrassing, totally different attitudes. She wasn't insolent, she was expressing her opinion to someone, who by the sounds of this post could be very embarrassing. What would you do if your boss, partner or parent constantly embarrassed you. Kiss their shoes so you carried on being given sweeties or express that their behaviour was embarrassing and you'd like to address it. No wonder so many children go NC with their mothers.

No idea what you are on about. The 'too much' surely refers to your vast exaggerations. The daughter expressed that her mother was embarrassing. This seems quite likely given the OP's post. For some reason people are promoting not going to your mother with your concerns, just because the concerns regard the parent. This is the weirdest thread I've read regarding advice. It's like 'Parenting the Miss Trunchball Method.' This is why adult children go no contact with their mothers

She shouldn’t be talking to you like that - it’s tough if she feels that way, but she can’t dictate who you are or how you act.

Her whole post is dramatic and self centred. What would you say to your boss or partner if they were embarrassing you, suck it up and smile sycophanticalley.

Mothers don't have to be perfect, but they do have to listen to their kids and allow them to express themselves without suppressing their thoughts because they might be a little too honest. This is the attitude that brings up miserable children unable to speak up for themselves. Or rude abnoxious ones because they have never been heard.

Your response lacks basic respect 'you're wrong!) Hardly conducive to progressive conversation. You're stroppy and a bit daft.

I wonder if her daughter says that to the other girls at school and that's why they are not friends with her? That part of the ops post did stand out for me. My 10 year old tells me if someone is being unkind to him and I tell him to stand up for himself and to stay away from them. He goes and finds someone else to play with.

Aww OP, I sympathise hugely after reading your update of losing your dad and having a difficult relationship with your mum. I suspect you are a bit more fragile than usual but it’s completely normal for your DD to find you embarrassing. My parents completely embraced their “embarrassing” status and took huge delight in bellowing “LOVE YOU DARLING” out the car window at school drop off, ran all sports day races after being explicitly told not to, had conversations with our friends and made friends with their parents who were subsequently invited round for drinks to completely ruin the “hanging out” experience when our respective parents were basically having a party in the next room. I spent much of my tween and teen years completely mortified by my parents existence. As an adult, I adore them both and my siblings and I look back on those memories fondly.

Even my daughter's told me who the bullies were. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a bit of bullying going on. Why would the ops daughter tell her anything if she is doing the bullying.

While I do think it’s fairly normal for kids that age to start to find their parents a bit cringe for the tiniest reason, that doesn’t excuse rudeness and I think it’s ok to tell her that what she said wasn’t kind, I wouldn’t overreact. When my daughter tells me I embarrass her (she’s the same age as yours) I tell that I don’t care, especially it is about something to do with keeping her safe (‘why do you have to talk to her mum about the sleepover you are so embarrassing’) I tell her I don’t care that’s my job and make light of it!

Sounds like you’ve been friendly towards someone she’s fallen out with

It’s a pre-requisite for being a parent. Part of the job so let it go over your head. However you need to pull your dd up if she’s being unkind about you.

I wonder if you always make stuff up to suit your narrative.

So you tell your son to speak up for himself. Don't see the irony?!......nope.

It's okay to tell the op that her daughter will go no contact with her. On top of that tell her she needs to look at her parenting. What a wonderful child she is expressing herself and it must be you why she hasn't told you she has fallen out with friends. Going by your response you don't like to be challenged.

Against bullying and it was racist bullying and they're 10. I back him💯. Anything else name calling I tell him ignore and find someone else to play with or I have a word with the teacher. The racism was recent but you wasn't to know that.

@DrowningInSyrup

lol “hurtful”- as if!

and if your child goes no contact with you in adulthood because you chatted to their friends…. well, maybe it’s no great loss.

Embrace it. It's our role as parents to be as embarrassing as possible.
I threaten to have a t shirt printed with my teenager 's face on it , printed with " Mum" on it and to wear it at parents ' evenings etc .

@DrowningInSyrup

if it were my boss I wouldn’t say a word - why would I, they’re paying my wages!!

and I wouldn’t tell my husband he was embarrassing me either, if he were to behave in an embarrassing way I’d tell him to stop what he was doing, but wouldn’t call him an embarrassment. It’s a bit prissy I think “you’re embarrassing meeeee, wah wah” frankly it would give me the ick!

I'm sorry you've lived a life of such repression.

You always seem to go off on a tangent.

I can't fathom your response to a 10 year old expressing themselves.

I feel it's time we went no contact.

This hasn't really got anything to do with the Original post, but I respect you telling your child to stick up for themselves.

I also respect OP's daughter for telling her when something is bothering her. I don't respect grown women having a meltdown when this happens. She is being VU.

We are having a conversation and that means I don't like to be challenged. Stop being provocative, it's beneath you.

They’re at the age when they’re embarrassed by everything, aren’t they? My DD is 9 and yesterday told me that the Tupperware pots she takes to school (which she chose a few months ago!) are highly embarrassing 🤷‍♀️
I remember being embarrassed by my dad when it was just him and me!
I would shrug it off and go anyway, she’s 10 not 18.

Yes i always used to like chatting with friends mums as a kid especially ones that were lovely and made me feel very welcome to be around. one friends mum in particular i have absolutely lovely memories of and I loved her to bits, I loved spending time at their house because of her. She made my childhood happier because my home life wasn't always great.

But op i can sympathise with you as I still have this with my 17 year old dd and now my 12 year old. it hurts. Their dad and me are separated and im the one that does everything for them. funnily enough they don't seem as embarrassed by dad as they do me. Its rare that dad does attend events etc due to work or often he just cba so they seems genuinely excited when he does turn up. I'm always there. I actually wonder if I had the cba attitude and stopped showing up would they also appreciate my presence too on the rare occasion I do show up?

10 years old is a mere child, she seems young to be already at the embarrassed stage, buckle up if she's like this at 10! I wouldn't take it to heart, I have a mid teen DD and she does find certain contexts with her parents embarrassing, not so much me personally but how both DH and I should act in certain circumstances, for example not allowed to have any music on in the car if dropping her off at school. She doesn't like it if I change the pitch of my voice which apparently I do at parents' evening or in some shops or hanging out with my friends at parties etc. I think she is trying to describe, charm- she doesn't like it but we find it very funny. It's not personal though as she even has these rules with late teen brother which he knows as when dropping her off at school recently, he delivered an exaggerated, "bye Anneka!!" Out the window whilst correspondingly waving. And before anyone states that her brother was mean, he wasn't as she sees it as the joke it is supposed to be and she loves hanging out with him and his girlfriend. I think as a family you just use humour and ride it out. My Dad in the 90s was very embarassing, off the scale, he would point out loutish behaviour in the Cinema, on the Tube, once told this boy it was illegal to swear on public transport; I was 15 at the time and was mortified, especially as these kids threatened him. He also pulled up in his car to collect me and had ago at these boys who were slightly older chatting to us, suggesting we were too young for them. When out and about in London he would loudly talk about the history of something or politics in a restaurant where it wasn't suitable. He's a real maverick and completely fearless, so would get into pointless arguments with big scary men in football stands when we went to see ou London team play, he was big himself but he thought he could use his intellect to disarm them, it didn't work and they would threaten him in front of me. My presence probably saved him a few times😂 I can appreciate his quirkiness a bit more now but at the time, not something a teenager wanted to go through.