Sad DD says I’m embarrassing

[Reginaphalangeeeee]

Feeling really emotional. DD age 10 said she didn't want me to come to her after school event as I embarrass her.

I think she was taken aback by my shock and upset so hasn't really given an answer as to why.

She said another mum was coming as her friend wanted her to come and help and they didn't need both of us. She said sometimes I talk to her friends too much or in the past spoken to people she is t really friends with anymore.

I am really sad and taken it hard. My daughter has always wanted me there and been proud to be with me. My daughter 13 still wants me around too.

I honestly feel I do so much for my girls, hosted birthday parties, friends around whenever, I talk with them about their worries, surprise trips and treats. Feels like a kick in the teeth. I thought I was ‘one of those good mums’ the type my girls would want me around. I know it's a normal transition they want to be independent but this has hurt me.

DD says she now feels bad and said I can come, but I don't want to be there out of her pity or trying to please me. Feeling sad.😩

She has only just turned 10.
And for context I have recently loss a parent so she is aware I upset easily so felt bad.

She told me because she wanted to be more grown up.

She has said she was very sorry for upsetting me and said she does want me there now (think she also realised I bring the money).

I do know normal to become more independent.
I have gone through this with her older sister and navigated well stepping back to the point she asks me to be there still. This was a natural transition going into high school.

DD 10 has started to walk to school so feeling more independent and maybe wants a bit more. It's much sooner than other daughter.

Hear, hear!

Our children owe us nothing - it was our choice to have them, they did not ask to be born.

Lots of sound advice here already. Your DD has vocalised what she was thinking. Deserves punishment? No i don't think so exactly. Deserves a chat about what's hurtful to hear and how to resolve it going forward

This is good advice. Respect works two ways and the relationship with your tween/teen needs ongoing negotiation. Maybe she does want you to back off right now? Doesn't mean she will always want you to step back. But teens often want you to support them at home and practically but be less visible to their peers.

Thats really horrible, I would cut back on the treats for a why. If she asks why just say how much you were hurt. That actions have consequences.....

My siblings and I used to tell me dad he was being embarrassing (single father) and his response was pretty spot on - he lent into it and made jokes about how he could be even more embarrassing/sometimes did even more embarrassing things. I used to moan and groan about it but really was glad for the interaction/attention from a parent who was otherwise not very present. My son is only 2 and sometimes pushes me away for kissing him too much - i lean into it and joke with him about it - I think you need to be teflon with kids and not expect them to be thinking about your feelings/not take things personally - but also not let them dictate things. If you want to go to a school event and you're embarrassing her - then still go and don't take it to heart - she may be secretly glad (and she may not but then trying to control your kids feelings is futile)!

Aw this happens to most of us! I know it can feel hurtful.
When my DC has complained, I’ve pointed out that I’m never going to be one of the quiet aloof parents, as I like to be friendly to people… However, I have taken it on board that I need to step back as DC gets older and I do my best to be less ‘full on’!

Mine has been saying this since she was 6! To me and my DP, depending on who is flavour of the month 😜. Honestly, I know it can sting but you have to take it more lightly. Kids say stuff to test you out, to get a reaction, to work out how relationships work. You are their training ground. Laugh it off, tell her you might turn up in purple pjs and and a pink wig for extra attention. Tell her stories about how embarrassing your mum used to be too. Try to have a sense of humour about it with her and let her know it’s a perfectly normal feeling but that she also needs to know it hurts your feelings a bit (don’t over state the case). Also - do take her feedback into account and if you need to, show her that you are doing your best to respect her ‘world’ of school, and her need for boundaries/some privacy - age appropriate of course. But you are her mum and when you are invited to school events as a parent the invite is for you and it’s up to you whether you accept that invitation or not. Not her.

She’s growing up - it’s perfectly normal to become embarrassed by parents. Don’t be that Mum who forces your child to acknowledge that they owe their very existence to you and so they shall show total subservience and deference to you. This results in people pleasing, and the difficulties that brings. Take it on the chin -remind them gently about respect for others , of course - but tone your expectations down.

Wow, YABVU.
Why are you making her social life all about you?
She doesn’t want you there - end of, surely?
She doesn’t have to involve you, and you certainly shouldn’t be making her feel bad about it!
If it’s really making you feel this emotional I’d take that as a sign that you need your own things going on in your life to focus on!

Is it something like an assembly where parents are invited or a dance that you would be helping/chaperoning?
If the former then absolutely go, she might not think she wants you there but when she sees her friends all with someone to support them she will realise she has messed up and there's no way to fix it at that point.

Absolutely don't do this, OP. Respect her wishes. If you don't go, and she realises she wishes you were there, she'll know she made a mistake and appreciate you more in future. If you go without her consent and she really doesn't want you there, she'll be embarrassed and resentful, and less likely to even tell you if there's something like this in future.

It's not nice for parents that sometimes kids don't want them around, but sometimes they honestly don't. It's part of growing up.

Jeez parents ARE embarrassing. I was mortified by mine. However I was too scared of getting into trouble and didn't want to upset them by showing it. I think your daughter is being a bit bratty.

You're 'not really' stamping your feet?

Daughter- mum your embarrassing when your at my school/ with my friends

You- well I'm never doing anything else for you again, you wouldn't exist if it wasn't for me.

Yeah great job.
She can say thank you and appreciate things, she can also talk to her mam about feeling embarrased.

I also think it's shocking how some children speak to their parents these days but OP didn't say anything about her being rude. She actually said she felt bad and said sorry, very mature and good response.
Do you really think that should be met with you declaring your never doing anything for her again??

@Reginaphalangeeeee you sound like a lovely mum. Truly. Yes, having had children who are all grown up now, they can each develop quite differently from each other and your 10-year-old is just coming into this next stage a bit earlier. You've done a good job, because although she maybe should have used different words to express herself, she feels safe enough to be honest with you.

I'm sorry for the loss of your parent. 💐

OTOH her friends probably think you’re awesome. I used to love it when friends’ mums talked to me as if I was an adult and I used to wish they were my mum 😂 Anyway I’d say to her that she’s being pretty rude and to wind her neck in. Tell her it’s not like you love hanging around at primary school events but you have manners, something she might want to develop to make her path through life easier.

I would just involve yourself a little less- a lot of them come out with stuff like this at that stage - I didn’t stand for it and you shouldn’t either -

The other mum coming to the stall is way more chatty and friendly with the kids than me so her reasoning didn't make sense to me

And the other mum’s DD will find her really embarrassing, while your DD thinks she’s lovely. And no doubt the other DD will think you’re great (and her own mum embarrassing). It is just kids.

That said - I think you have two options:

1. Laugh it off and make a joke about it
2. Don’t go. She’ll wish you’d gone when everyone else has a mum there and will learn the hard way.

But I wouldn’t take it too personally - I do think that all kids go through this stage at that sort of age.

Feeling really emotional. DD age 10 said she didn't want me to come to her after school event as I embarrass her.
I think she was taken aback by my shock and upset so hasn't really given an answer as to why.

How shocked and upset were you? Are you prone to dramatics and she now is feeling that in front of her friends?

Don’t take it personally. She’s growing up and “separating” from you. Follow her lead now, or her resentment will get worse.

This is passive aggressive and not healthy grown up behaviour.

If you genuinely don't chat to her friends and people she's no longer friends with, I think she needs to feel the consequences. Especially as she knows you're grieving. Maybe say you don't feel like going to the event (especially if you think she only wants you to go to give her money). She can be independent but part of that is finding out the consequences of your actions. Give her a fiver and let her get on with it.

I wouldn't be sharp with her but I would sit down and explain that you're human and its hurtful to say your embaressing. Try and pinpoint if theres a specific thing (e.g. my mum used to watch me do sports and I HATED when she shouted instructions from the side so I asked her to stop- she did). If its nothing in particular just explain that most teens find their parents embaressing to an extent but you love her and want to be present.

Mine at 7 and 5 so Im not quite here but I have always made it clear I'm not 'just mum' and I'm a person with feelings (e.g. when they mention my squishy tummy etc)!

Oh @Reginaphalangeeeee I really feel for you. My teenager is properly cutting the apron strings (as he should) and it’s hard. The pain of things going exactly to plan has hit me hard.

However, whenever DCs accuse me of embarrassing them (and I’m also chatty, friendly & warm) I always turn it into a joke and tell them it’s my job to embarrass them - that’s what parents are for when you’re growing up. We laugh about it. The humour releases the tension a bit and takes the sting out of feeling rejected by the very people you gave birth to.

I’m sorry about your loss too, things hit differently when you’re already grieving 💐

Don't take this to heart OP. My DS is in his 20s now and we are the best of friends. We do all sorts together from nights out to holidays. But. We both know that there are certain situations and people in his life where to have me there would not be a comfortable experience for him. (Which is the grown up version of embarrassing I guess!) I don't take this personally because it's really just about where people fit with others in your life, who would gel, who would not at that particular time. At the moment your DD doesn't feel comfortable mixing you with her friend group in her school environment. She has given her reasons in a clumsy way, by criticising your behaviour and used the emotive term 'embarassing', but she's 10. She doesn't have the tact and maturity to tell you she wants her own space for this in a sensitive way.

I reminded mine of the times they were embarrassing to me and I stood right next to them, the time that Ds threw a full on toddler tantrum right by the tills of the supermarket, on the floor wailing, everyone queuing up getting a good look at me in my mortification. I did it in a jokey way to show that I love them so much I didn't leave them.

I also did this, wave at them, wait 10 seconds, wave again, wait 10 seconds and wave again, explaining this is what I did when you went on the merry-go-round and I had to wave every time you came into view. It demonstrates the tedious nature of parenting and you do it because it makes your child happy.

She is old enough to understand this goes both ways, that her behaviour has an effect on you too, especially the words she used and that it was hurtful and quite frankly rude. She also needs to know that your existence isn't there to improve or reduce her street cred

Talk to her.

Yeah but it's because you're her mum.

Everyone is embarrassed of their mum, it's a normal stage. My 8yo tells me 5 times in 5 minutes that I'm embarrassing purely because someone nearby can hear me talk 😆 she isn't really embarrassed of me, she always looks for me at every event.

I remember wanting to walk 5 paces away from my parents between the ages of 10 and 20 🤣 ETA that was despite my mum being know by adults and kids as the cool/popular mum, so it really isn't about you!

It's not personal. You can either type and fade in for her comfort or just carry on as you are. I wouldn't be sharp with her or take it personally.