Sad DD says I’m embarrassing

[Reginaphalangeeeee]

Feeling really emotional. DD age 10 said she didn't want me to come to her after school event as I embarrass her.

I think she was taken aback by my shock and upset so hasn't really given an answer as to why.

She said another mum was coming as her friend wanted her to come and help and they didn't need both of us. She said sometimes I talk to her friends too much or in the past spoken to people she is t really friends with anymore.

I am really sad and taken it hard. My daughter has always wanted me there and been proud to be with me. My daughter 13 still wants me around too.

I honestly feel I do so much for my girls, hosted birthday parties, friends around whenever, I talk with them about their worries, surprise trips and treats. Feels like a kick in the teeth. I thought I was ‘one of those good mums’ the type my girls would want me around. I know it's a normal transition they want to be independent but this has hurt me.

DD says she now feels bad and said I can come, but I don't want to be there out of her pity or trying to please me. Feeling sad.😩

@Reginaphalangeeeee it's completely understandable that this would be extra difficult for you with losing your father and the other context you've mentioned regarding your mother. Rest assured you are not your mother and your daughter would not have meant it on anything approaching that level. As you know and have acknowledged, it's a stage all children go through. Wishing you strength and peace in grieving for your dad.💐

This is nothing wait until she gets her first boyfriend who she obsesses over. That's when you know you're toast and not needed. Please don't be one of those parents who let their child's boyfriend live in the family home. I heard a horror story the other day and the mother feels so guilty for allowing it to happen in her home her daughter's safe space.

So what's the age appropriate way of expressing that?

Or should she be seen and not heard?

Classic emotionally abusive response designed perfectly to stop children expressing how they really feel, so the parent doesn’t have to feel uncomfortable.

unclear why some parents feel they can behave however they want because one day they’ll die..

I find some people embarrassing, it's not rude of me 🤷‍♀️

She is asserting her independance. If tou have been very close and done all the trips, been heavily involved, she might be trying to feel more grown up and independant. I wouldnt take it personally, she might feel pressured to act a certain way, or if you have a big personality and speak to lots of people then maybe she might feel like she is in your shadow a bit when it is is her event with her friends. Do you take over a bit when speaking to people, are you quite loud and very friendly, speak for her, speak to her friends etc, not bad personality traits at all but I can see where she might want the chance to be herself and not have a mum who is centre stage.

I used to find my Dad embarrassing in my teens, especially at school events. He'd talk way too much to staff, and if they praised me he'd bring up the fact I was born prematurely (11 weeks) and I was doing well considering!!!! I just wanted the ground to swallow me up!! My parents were told that by the time I started school, I would have caught up!!! So my school work etc, had bugger all to do with me being premature!!!! I wouldn't have dared say though. My Mum used to kick his leg under the table if they were at parents evening, to tell him to shut up!! Look at what your daughter has told you objectively - does she have a point? Be honest with yourself. She was blunt, and not very sensitive, but at 10, she's not going to be. She loves you, you're her Mum, so it's nothing to do with that. My son is 14, and as yet, still likes to be seen in public with my husband and I!! We don't appear to be too embarrassing!!

This is actually worse.

How utterly toxic

At the age of 10 yes.

@Cynic17 you sound like me actually, I have no interest in my birthday and dislike a fuss!

@Reginaphalangeeeee practically all children find their parents embarrassing at times as they get older, it does sound like this really upset you so let her know you found it hurtful.

The truth is toxic isn't it.

So you weaponise that??
What in gods name is wrong with people these days.
Ah nothing like a good healthy dose of manipulation and guilt to alienate a teenager.
WTF has happened to kindness, patience, understanding? Our children owe us nothing, if they want us in their lives as adults, that starts when they are small.

All I can say to that is that I think you're 100% wrong and we'll have to agree to disagree because I just have nowhere to go with your (wrong) opnion that 10yo should be seen and not heard.

I hope my daughter always feels safe talking to me even if it makes me feel uncomfortable. I'd be shocked if your daughter would prefer a mum that's tells her to sit down and shut up but that's your lookout.

Wooowwww.
My 10 year old is amazing, intelligent, switched on, you wouldn't think he was a child most if the time.
The fact that you think his place on this earth is to be seen and not heard is insanity. You have to understand the repercussions of this way of thinking, it died somewhere around 1980.
I think you need to be seen and not heard!

Sorry, quoting the draconian idiot that said 10 year old shouldn't be heard.

I‘m sorry about your dad, @Reginaphalangeeeee. Together with dealing with your mum, that sounds really tough and I’m
not surprised that you’re feeling bruised.

With that in mind, I doubt you’re going to get much useful from this thread.

It is tricky. I think she needs to know that what she said was hurtful, but also I'd maybe think about reflecting and seeing if you are embarrassing. My eldest is 16 now, and some of the parents of her friends when they were at primary school were so so so cringey. It's a shame as most of them as teenagers don't have a good relationship with their parents whereas we've been fortunate to stay close to our kids.
I remember vividly when I was at school how utterly embarrassing some of the parents were and it still makes me cringe now!!

Exactly teach young people how to be selfish the meme generation. I had a fucked up upbringing but I would never cut off my mother. There is a lot of emotionally illiterate people out there who haven't quite matured yet.

No definitely don’t weaponise it. Nothing wrong with me at all. Same as when in reverse they have said I wish you wasn’t my mum, or I wish so and sos mum was my mum, it smarts, you move on. Like I said my children are grown up teenagers, magnificent kids and a bit of tough love hasn’t done them any damage whatsoever. Same as with their grandparents they had their great Nan until she was 102 they realise they won’t have them forever so show patience and kindness whilst you still can.

Anyway, back to OP it was a knee jerk reaction am just intrigued as to where you go from here and will you replace birthday money or stand by your decision now you have other perspectives? Don’t beat yourself up every parent on here is on a learning curve.

My eldest is a really polite boy and never says anything or behaves any differently, even when I’m probably embarrassing the hell out of him with my weird and contradictory combination of social awkwardness and talking too much. But my youngest has never held back. He says stuff like ‘why do you laugh at everything everyone says?’ and ‘you were talking really loud to that lady.’ I tell him it is hurtful to say those things straight out to me and that not everything inside our heads needs to be on the outside (even if he does have a point!) I know he loves me and accept that he sometimes finds me embarrassing (he’s 12) but I want him to learn that it’s not ok to hurt other people’s feelings.

Aww don't take it to heart.
Mine used to ask me to park around the corner from school so no one would see me dressed in my mortifying NHS uniform.
They are just kids, trying to find their way in the world. Don't take it to heart but maybe make less fuss when you are around her friends.

I think you are dead wrong. 10yo are allowed a point of view and should be allowed to talk about it - but in no way does this mean that everyone has to fall into line.

Whenever I had friends over as a child my mother would spend in my view too much time talking to them when they arrive. She would bring over snacks and again loiter and start talking. It was any excuse, it seemed she was trying to figure out who they were. We would go into the garden to have our chats about boys etc and mother would turn up with drinks and again loiter.
I really really hated it as it felt like an invasion. So I stopped inviting them around.

Give your daughter space, the more you keep a distance from her friends at this age, the more she will trust you.

I have a 10 year old and HE is very switched on emotionally. I don't have that problem HE would never say that to me.

Yet here you are weaponising it.
And of course saying gosh no not me.
You are. Saying that to them IS weaponising it.