Sad DD says I’m embarrassing

[Reginaphalangeeeee]

Feeling really emotional. DD age 10 said she didn't want me to come to her after school event as I embarrass her.

I think she was taken aback by my shock and upset so hasn't really given an answer as to why.

She said another mum was coming as her friend wanted her to come and help and they didn't need both of us. She said sometimes I talk to her friends too much or in the past spoken to people she is t really friends with anymore.

I am really sad and taken it hard. My daughter has always wanted me there and been proud to be with me. My daughter 13 still wants me around too.

I honestly feel I do so much for my girls, hosted birthday parties, friends around whenever, I talk with them about their worries, surprise trips and treats. Feels like a kick in the teeth. I thought I was ‘one of those good mums’ the type my girls would want me around. I know it's a normal transition they want to be independent but this has hurt me.

DD says she now feels bad and said I can come, but I don't want to be there out of her pity or trying to please me. Feeling sad.😩

I remember being embarrassed by my parents. Their behaviour actually affected my social life and I was made of fun of for it. My youngest (13) currently finds me embarrassing. I just keep as low a profile as possible, am polite with her friends but not overly familiar. My eldest on the other hand when I asked her (17) said she’s never felt embarrassed by me 🤷‍♀️ We’re all different. I haven’t taken it personally, if anything I can empathise with that feeling, and I know she’ll grow out of it.

I do find my younger child seems to grow up faster than the older one - more confident and trying to act like older sibling perhaps?

It isn't often I'm completely lost for words, like you all I could think was WTF.

Is the art of parenting completely lost, are people so fragile that the only way they can deal with their hurty feelings is to humiliate a 10 year old?

And FYI, I think having any conversation about our own hurt feelings on this subject is OTT because its a normal phase and we as adults should expect to absorb some of the hurt from a normal development stage, not guilt our 10yo about normal feelings.

The stuff you let go and the stuff you address is what will form your adult relationship and IMO this isn't the hill to die on. There's a phrase: "save your tears for something important" and it applies here. Of all the things you'll need to pick her up on, this one I'd let go because otherwise you'll end up having more negative interactions than positive and even if she doesn't remember this one thing, as an adult you want them to have overall positive memories and if she does remember this, she will appreciate you letting it go. There's loads of stuff like this that I didn't realise my parents took a chilled approach to and had they picked every battle, we'd have had a more fractious relationship, both then and carrying into adulthood.

Like someone else said, her feelings are valid, even if she can't articulate them in a grown up, sensitive way. She can't be blamed for not having that maturity at 10 and it's a bit disrespectful of us as adults to act like we own our children just because we chose to have them and take responsibility for feeding and housing them. If a friend expressed the same sentiment more tactfully, we would assume its a valid point, but with kids we seem to think we can just yell them they're wrong and to change.

I’m speechless too @BodenCardiganNot why on earth is a toddler boasting about doing a poo embarrassing to the parent?! It’s not at all. Maybe embarrassing if you show all their friends at age 10 but again why would you do that. Baffling

This

I see a post like this with multiple mums all saying they would ignore & punish their daughter for speaking up about their feelings & preferences

It’s not speaking up about feelings and preferences though - it’s just being rude.

I don’t see the bit where the DD was rude?

I wouldn’t take this personally my kids have all told me I’m embarassing or they hate me at one time in their lives. I always tell them you only get one Mum you won’t have me forever. It’s normally enough to make them think twice about being hurtful. Maybe go but take a bit of a back seat and watch them have their moment.

Woah, do not do this!

I know it must have hurt OP, that’s ok, it’s rough when they pull away and you’re not expecting it.

But it’s important to honour her request in the short term, and keep your disappointment to yourself; you have to be the grown up here

Then when the dust is settled, you can pick a good time to chat with her and dig into the weeds a bit more about her reasons.

Our children must not be made to feel responsible for our feelings! They must be allowed room to express themselves truthfully.

she will trust and love you a lot more in the long term if she knows she can be real with you, and not suppress her fears

It’s unlikely to be about you; it’s more about her adjusting to figuring out friendships and the struggles of that

If you feel crummy, I strongly recommend chatting to a therapist who can help you understand her development stages and honestly it will help you to learn this is not about you.

Big hugs, you sound like a wonderful Mum xx

By saying her mum embarrasses her? Is that considered polite now? Is it okay to tell others they embarrass you or is it just your mum?

But she's embarrassed, that's how she's feeling. Whether it's considered rude of not depends on your perspective I suppose but she absolutely was speaking up about her feelings.

Really this is no big deal,she is growing up .

I can remember finding my mother acutely embarrassing and she never understood why. If I tried to explain (and that was not easy), she would refute everything, never someone to admit she was wrong. She wasn't someone who could be contradicted. Told me all the time i was 'ungrateful'.

It's not unusual to find parents embarrassing in some ways, I expect you did at times.

My husband told me he was the same with his.

Take on board what your daughter says, she is being honest.

When I became a mother I always made sure I knew what I should say or not say, and what was appropriate. No doubt I got it wrong sometimes :), we are human. However mine always seemed OK with me that far, still does.

Don't worry about it - but do learn.

This will pass.

I think I would try and let this one go so she doesn’t feel guilty going forward.

I would try and cheerfully say you realise she wants to be more independent and to let you know if she wants you to come to events in the future.

As a previous poster says I would remind her that she needs to try and say things kindly to you and perhaps give her some ideas of how she could have raised it.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Whats-Wrong-You-mothers-twenties/dp/0008407215

OP read this book, if the link doesn't work its called Mum, Whats Wrong with you? by Lorraine Candy mum to 4 girls. My DD is a bit older now but I remember being sad when she started saying she didn't want me coming to things or talking to her friends etc and she was a girl who'd been practically glued to me for the first 6 years of her life.

It's really sad but you aren't on your own and I'm told that they come back round eventually.

I dunno. I think (within reason) it’s the job of a parent to be a bit of an “emotional punchbag” for their kids. Especially around this age. They need a safe outlet and a safe space where they can just be honest and say what they think or feel without being punished or humiliated. Within reason, I’d reiterate.

It’s important to me that my girls will keep talking to
me during the teenage years. For that reason, I am always careful about how I react to things now. I try to give them that space.

Can be damn hard though.

Most teenagers and tweens think their parents are embarrassing. Treat not having to go the school event as a night off - watch a box set or something else more interesting!

NB I have always embraced being 'seriously weird' - this works well, you could try it on DDs. Also, (off piste, I know) ironing creases in wrong places on clothes fixes the 'can you iron this for me, mum' situation permanently (DS at 46 still won't let me near his ironing!).

Thanks all. Some useful advice and helpful for my reflection.

I know on the whole I have a good relationship with my daughter and she does still frequently come to me with worries.

I think the want for independence has come earlier than I expected and shocked me.

I know I am carrying emotional baggage, desperately grieving a beloved dad and struggling with my mum who is around and through entire childhood and adulthood embarrassed me (she is an alcoholic). I have tried so desperately to be a different mum and have a good relationship with my girls but her words cut deep. I know this is not her responsibility or burden to carry or worry about my upset but she is normally an empathetic girl.

I close this chat now. Grateful for the kind words from some of you who validated my hurt and sadness as I try to reframe it.
Sorry to those who think I have overreacted, I ‘m glad you are all so level headed.

Yikes.

“one day I’ll be dead so you can’t talk to me like that”

I would find out what it is exactly that embarrasses her, maybe something you say that she feels infantilized by, or you're gushing at people she's not close to. It's an opportunity to learn something here about your own behavior and tone it down.

You don't need to threaten her with "sharp" words or removal of your affection and attention. Those are terrible, narcissistic methods of parenting you don't want to start doing, ever.

I did think this tbh.

Shake it off OP. You can go if you want to, her emotions don’t get to drive everyone’s decision taking. All kids think their parents are embarrassing and that’s just TOO BAD! I mean tone it down a bit perhaps, but we are allowed to exist!

I am an embarrassing mum. But my daughter also acknowledges that I am loving, supportive, nurturing and the primary reason she lives such a charmed life.

It does sting the first time you hear it though - I miss my pedestal!

Well not quite that harsh but mine are teenagers and have seen friends lose parents so can resonate.