Sad DD says I’m embarrassing

[Reginaphalangeeeee]

Feeling really emotional. DD age 10 said she didn't want me to come to her after school event as I embarrass her.

I think she was taken aback by my shock and upset so hasn't really given an answer as to why.

She said another mum was coming as her friend wanted her to come and help and they didn't need both of us. She said sometimes I talk to her friends too much or in the past spoken to people she is t really friends with anymore.

I am really sad and taken it hard. My daughter has always wanted me there and been proud to be with me. My daughter 13 still wants me around too.

I honestly feel I do so much for my girls, hosted birthday parties, friends around whenever, I talk with them about their worries, surprise trips and treats. Feels like a kick in the teeth. I thought I was ‘one of those good mums’ the type my girls would want me around. I know it's a normal transition they want to be independent but this has hurt me.

DD says she now feels bad and said I can come, but I don't want to be there out of her pity or trying to please me. Feeling sad.😩

Is this not just standard kid speak? "Oh you're so embarrassing mum"
I always countered with it's a mothers job to embarrass their children once they got a bit older? Made a bit of a joke of it (not necessarily how I felt inside) about oh if I'm that embarrassing I'm surprised you even want me to drive you to xxxx
you keep being you, you've got a few years of this ahead of you.

I’m known as Embarrassing Mum - it’s a sort of badge of honour. I don’t think I am that embarrassing but I do try and talk to the boys friends (now 18&20). I recently cycled 25 miles to a school sporting event and pitched up slightly muddy and looking a bit different from other parents…. So I’m possibly seen as a bit eccentric! I still get cuddles but only if no one else is around - whereas any affection gets “you’re soooo embarrassing…”. Honestly I’d shrug it off.

I think it is also worth baring in mind this may not be coming entirely from your DC. It only takes another DC mocking her about wanting her Mum there for it to become an issue for her. I'd go with letting her know you were hurt, but not making a huge deal of it, and be guided by her.

So common they have produced this. you are being waaaay too sensitive OP!

https://www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/articles/zr87gwx

So the child expresses her true feelings - and she should be punished, ignored, told how rude and hurtful she is...way to go to develop a healthy emotionally stable young woman. She sure won't be telling her mother anything again.

My dd is 10 and I think yours has a fair point about talking to other children she doesn't hang around with anymore. It all gets a bit complicated at this age and you inserting yourself in being the cheery mum with people who she either doesn't really talk to or actively dislikes IS a bit mortifying.

Totally normal to think parents are embarrassing. Some kids feel it more than others, maybe are more socially sensitive to these things. Op I think you need to take a step back from this and try to see it less personally.

I get that you are more sensitive at the moment and I’m sorry for your loss. But you need to try to rein this in now or it’s going to be traumatic for you dd at an age she can’t process it so easily. She feels bad and hopefully has learned a lesson not to be rude to you.

I'd say it's perfectly normal for kids to find their parents embarrassing. Especially aged 10 plus. You've been lucky in that the 13 yo hadn't seemed to feel that way. Mums are embarrassing to kids. No matter what you do. You can't win.
So I'd just forget about it. It won't last forever.

And for context I have recently loss a parent so she is aware I upset easily so felt bad

I'm very sorry for your loss. Tone doesn't come accoss well in text and I apologise if I've misread the subtext behind this sentence, but please don't let your daughter feel responsible for managing your emotions, supporting or protecting you. It's not a child's job.

If I had a fiver for every time one of my kids had called me embarassing I'd be on a beach in Mexico. It's part of the deal, that's how it goes. I don't find it at all insulting, it's just part of the individuation process. It ebbs and flows. Don't punish her, or bring her up sharp. I see my role with older DC as solid dependable back up and support, rather than in some kind of reciprocal arrangement where I get access to their lives because I brought them about.

Think about what is at the root of your discomfort around this. What belief do you have that's making this uncomfortable. It doesn't mean you're not a good person, a great mum, or you're not going to have a great relationship with your daughter going forward.

OP I remember having a very similar conversation with my mum, although I was a bit older. We'd been out and walked past someone I knew vaguely well at school - same circle of friends, although not close friends by any means. I said hi, and then my mum said something like 'nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you' to the other girl and I could have died. Pre-teen me's brain immediately thought oh god, this other girl, who's cooler than me, is going to think I've been talking about her to my mum, I sound desperate, she's going to think I'm pathetic. In hindsight it's totally, totally illogical - I really liked all my friends' mums and enjoyed chatting with them - but just that incredibly age-specific stab of 'oh GOD it's SO EMBARRASSING' was so vivid and I really struggled to explain it to my mum other than 'please don't talk too much to my friends', who took offence and sulked for several days.

All kids are embarrassed by their parents. As they get older they prefer a light touch more aloof approach from parents in public. They grow out of it.

It was rude and it’s good she recognised that.

My eldest who I had a close and loving relationship with suddenly around the age of ten started being snappy, distant, would act mortified when I spoke to her in front of her friends. The tween/teen years were rough. She would talk about her friends mums and how amazing they were and she could talk to them about anything. She’d go on about how amazing her dad was (abusive ex not a nice man or good dad) She had a lot of issues about her siblings getting more attention than her (one is autistic and one has adhd) she was right they did get more attention but also she never pushed for attention (not blaming her) and also when it was given she pushed it away. For example school trips she point blank refused to let me volunteer but then would say I never went on trips!
it got worse 13/14/15 but got easier when she got to around 17. Even now she can be very aware of who’s getting what attention and making sure she is treated equally. (She’s 26 and owns her own home, her younger siblings are 21 and 14 and live at home)
it is normal for them to push back a bit and see things differently to you, hopefully it will be a phase.

Also you could remind her of the many many many times she will have embarrassed you in the past. Maybe jokingly get your phone out and say “where’s that video where you were boasting about doing a poo?”. But don’t let yourself get upset by a bratty comment. This is why I think it’s important not to live your life through your kids or to let your entire personality be being a mum. Have your own life too. I’ve seen so many women give everything to their kids and they then as teens turn around and tell them to fuck off. My cousins son is insufferable and told her that he doesn’t respect her because she doesn’t have a career. Yes because she gave it up to look after you you ungrateful brat (and I don’t think she should have done).

Could it be bringing your mum to after school event is now considered embarrassing by her class rather than you being particularly embarrassing?

I think it is normal, try not to take it to heart. It is rude of her to say it so bluntly though.

This is worth a requote.

I can't believe some of the replies suggesting punishment. These same people then wonder why their teen never talks to them.

Of course you are embarrassing and the friends mum isn't, that's just how it works.

Also you could remind her of the many many many times she will have embarrassed you in the past. Maybe jokingly get your phone out and say “where’s that video where you were boasting about doing a poo

Why the fuck would you do that???

I'd laugh and say I was definitely coming to double embarass her in that case! It's normal to be a bit embarasing at some points - she'll grow out of it, just do what you do!

Totally. See the Stately Homes Thread for a glimpse of the future...

She said sometimes I talk to her friends too much or in the past spoken to people she is t really friends with anymore.

Ok, she's told you exactly what it is that's too much, and you refuse to accept that. In fact, in your opinion she's wrong and you even have examples of why.

The fact you actively try to be one of those cool mums is quite telling, and I imagine it shows that you are trying to be something as opposed to just your natural persona. And that's easily something that a pre-teen would be embarrassed about. Possibly her friends have been taking the mick about it so she's asking you to stay away.

About aged 11, ds "banned" me from the school gates, or at least attempted too. Apparently no one could see me. I enquired if he was claiming he was raised by wolves and therefore could have no visible parents.

Turned out, a boy in his class was bullied about his mum being fat. That boy tried to deflect by saying at least she didn't have an eating disorder like me (I was just slim, no eating disorder) and would try and make fun of me to drown out the others making fun of his mum as we both arrived at the playground. DS was trying to prevent that situation. The whole class got a bollocking and it was resolved.

Could be a similar thing, your DD is getting ribbed over your overbearing behaviour, so maybe the whole class needs a pep talk about not being snide. However, difference here is that I couldn't have done anything about my "part" in our situation, whereas you potentially can.

I meant as a joke as in if your kid says you embarrass them, you tell them that they embarrass you too so you’re even.

I don't agree with those saying that this is normal or to be expected.

My own teenagers would never tell me I'm embarrassing because that would be hurtful. They do have friends who won't allow their parents to come to school or to be seen dropping them off, and they think it's odd and unkind.

I don't think we do our teens any favours by expecting them to behave in ways that would not be acceptable as adults. I wouldn't tell my kids they're too embarrassing to be seen with, and I don't expect to be treated that way either.

I have 3 teens aged between 13 - 19. I have a great relationship with all of them. I have always treated them with respect, and taught them to treat others the same way - and that includes me.

Oh OP, so sorry this has hit you so hard.

This happens to all of us: my daughter, at 18, wanted to have a party at home with some friends, and expected us to disappear - if not out, to hide upstairs!

An unequivocal “No” was given, and she was informed that it’s our job to embarrass her!

Of course no embarrassment was had, and we are friends with her friends to this day - I’ve even taken a couple of them out on day trips without her on a few occasions, 10+ years later!

Hahaha - what?! As adults, we choose to have children. We haven't bestowed a great gift on to them by bringing them into the world. The common teenage phrase 'I didn't chose to be born' is very true. Children do not owe parents endless gratitude simply for being decent parents. That's our job.

I agree with PPs that it might be worth reflecting on whether there is any truth in what she's saying. But also, all kids find their parents embarrassing - it's normal.

I can see why you'd have been surprised because 10 seems young to already be embarrassed by your parents but don't all kids get there ultimately? If she's otherwise a good kid I'd brush it off and make a joke out of it. If she's a bit of a brat I'd take a different approach and start making her aware of how much you do for her and take steps to stop her taking you for granted.