Sad DD says I’m embarrassing

[Reginaphalangeeeee]

Feeling really emotional. DD age 10 said she didn't want me to come to her after school event as I embarrass her.

I think she was taken aback by my shock and upset so hasn't really given an answer as to why.

She said another mum was coming as her friend wanted her to come and help and they didn't need both of us. She said sometimes I talk to her friends too much or in the past spoken to people she is t really friends with anymore.

I am really sad and taken it hard. My daughter has always wanted me there and been proud to be with me. My daughter 13 still wants me around too.

I honestly feel I do so much for my girls, hosted birthday parties, friends around whenever, I talk with them about their worries, surprise trips and treats. Feels like a kick in the teeth. I thought I was ‘one of those good mums’ the type my girls would want me around. I know it's a normal transition they want to be independent but this has hurt me.

DD says she now feels bad and said I can come, but I don't want to be there out of her pity or trying to please me. Feeling sad.😩

I think you're taking it far too personally. Kids are supposed to start to become embarrassed by their parents, it's part of the process that let's them separate from us. They're trying to carve out their own identity and then mum comes along and ruins it, in front of their friends. The horror!

My DD has certainly been embarrassed by me, and told me about it often. And sometimes I even thought her feelings were entirely warrented 🤣 You have to take it in good humour. Sympathise, acknowledge it's normal, shower her in sarcasm that it must be awful to have a mum who loves her, or double down and stage whisper something really embarrassing to make her giggle, have a laugh with her about it.

Sounds like you are stamping your feet and having a tantrum tbh.

If the former then absolutely go, she might not think she wants you there but when she sees her friends all with someone to support them she will realise she has messed up and there's no way to fix it at that point

Is this not just natural consequences though?

Honestly, your children weren't asked to be born, they don't owe you anything just because you decided to have them. That sort of attitude just causes resentment as they get older. They deserve to have their feelings taken into consideration too, even if they aren't making money and paying for trips to the theme park or whatever it is.

I agree with PP, each of your children will find different things embarrassing so will be embarrassed by you in different ways.

DS17 is the most laid back kid in the world, I go out of my way to embarrass him at every opportunity. He laughs at me and dares me to try harder.

DS15 can be in a mard for weeks if I wave when he's with his friends, I respect this and tone it down completely.

DS9 has just decided he needs to act more grown up but not because he feels it, more because he thinks he should. That's hard because I know he still wants to hold hands but is pushing himself not to.

It's hard being a parent, hard being a kid. It sounds like your daughter has communicated what it is that you are doing that she finds embarrassing, are you willing or able to adapt?

I think it's just part of growing up OP, it's hurtful but try not to take it personally. I remember going through random cycles of finding my parents horribly embarrassing and being incredibly proud of them. Didn't you, looking back? Something to do with gradually making your own mind up about things, in the clumsy way we do in life.

I am friendly and chatty with everyone. It's in my nature. I don't gush, but treat everyone with a smile, kindness and interest.

Lots of sound advice here already. Your DD has vocalised what she was thinking. Deserves punishment? No i don't think so exactly. Deserves a chat about what's hurtful to hear and how to resolve it going forward.

This other mum ... could this be a bit of a 'scene stealer' mum? V young v pretty? Trendy? Sporty, loud, 'down with the kids' type? Has your DD got a bit of a mum crush going on? Just wondering.

Again, if that might be the case talk through it with DD. So and so's mum's a lot of fun (or whatever) but it's me that's your mum and i love you to bits and that's the more important thing while you're young. Give hugs.

Good luck OP you sound like a lovely mum. Kids can cut you deep! 💐

I think Yabu and overreacting.

She worded it badly, but 10 year olds are new at navigating these feelings and how to express them.

it’s not unusual to want to be more independent and not unusual to be embarrassed by your parents. My y5 daughter swings between wanting me involved and wanting space. I tend not to assume (unless it’s a non-negotiable) and just ask if she wants me there or not.

I think stopping doing things in return would be petty, and verging on emotional blackmail. Don’t sink to that. Let her develop her growing independence.

Not really. Children are naturally oblivious to how much is done for them. I know they didn't ask to be born, but ten years old is plenty old enough to appreciate what mum does for you and to say thank you.

She's also old enough to understand how she d feel If somebody told her they were embarrassed of her.

I'm often shocked by the way, children speak to adults these days.

?

This tell her to jog on

That’s completely ridiculous. The OP’s child, whom she loves, is communicating something. She should listen.

Do you do the things she says you do? My mum used to and I can remember finding it really embarrassing. She’s old enough that she’s allowed an opinion, social pressures are suddenly become far more real etc. Maybe she didn’t articulate it as you might see the right way and that’s the learning point for her…but there’s clearly a learning point for you too.

Lol

I can understand this is hurtful, but a) it's completely normal and b) be careful about how you react to this in front of your daughter.

In fact, I think a child finding their parent embarrassing is perhaps more normal than the depth of your reaction. So maybe you are being a bit too full on in front of her friends? (Doesn't mean you can't still do that at home!)

You say she already didn't want to tell you more because of the strength of your reaction. Whatever the reason, I don't think it's great if kids don't want to tell their parents something because of how they might react.

You can explain to her how she could have given the message more gently.

TBF, parents are embarrassing when you're in that tween/teenage stage! And at that age when you're navigating friendships and status at school, you feel anything even slightly embarrassing/ different so deeply!

Thanks. No I don't mean Inexpect to be her friend or involved with her friends. I don't mean ‘one of those mum’.
What I meant is, she would normally volunteer me to come and help, she always wanted me to come on school trips, be a parent helper at school and she even wanted me to come in and talk about my job at a jobs fair.
The other mum coming to the stall is way more chatty and friendly with the kids than me so her reasoning didn't make sense to me.

OP I think this is completely normal behaviour. I’ve been embarrassing my children for years and remember well feeling embarrassed by my own parents. It’s just part of her growing up. I know it’s hard but don’t take it personally.

I’d laugh and say “ you think that’s embarrassing… I haven’t even started love” or “ yep that’s my job… gotta love being a parent”. something breezy and irreverent. I wouldn’t actually do anything to embarrass her but I also wouldn’t take criticism if you’re confident that you’re not being OTT is some regard. If I wanted to go to an event that other parents are going to I’d go and I’d be telling her “ luckily you’re not the boss of me”. Alternatively you could say nothing and wait until she asks you for a favour or treat of some sort and you can remind her that you’re FAR too embarrassing to be able to help her with that.

She's a child. Sometimes they're a little too honest.

I'd be upset too, of course, and you're not in the wrong for smarting a bit. But try not to take it to heart so much. For whatever reason she feels self-conscious just now, and she actually is entitled to her feelings.

She still loves you a huge amount.

Being a parent is tough sometimes, because your children are people too, who exist independently of you. And it's not all fun and fairytales. Sometimes they humble us and remind us that we're flawed human beings or we're not always everyone's cup of tea.

I certainly wouldn't punish her. That would be petty in the extreme.

You know sometimes I wonder how we have so many women who feel they can’t speak up to their partner because they feel they owe them for something, and I wonder where that comes from, where that mindset starts- and then I see a post like this with multiple mums all saying they would ignore & punish their daughter for speaking up about their feelings & preferences because “she would have nothing without you, she owes you, you’re her mum” and it becomes very clear how these girls become women who don’t feel they are allowed feelings, boundaries, to express themselves- because the “owe” the person.

Speak up & be honest and you’re punished and threatened with having everything removed… I don’t want to see any of these mums back in 10 years time when their daughters are in abusive or unfair relationships, wondering how to help them. You are training them to shut up and that they aren’t allowed to have feelings or boundaries and express those right from day 1.

Isn't this a normal stage of growing up? Kids develop their own sense of self and want to be independent. They are also often very self conscious and aware that "home" might not tie up with the image they are presenting. I wouldn't worry about it.

I think you did the right thing by letting your feelings known. She was unkind to say that to you and it has had consequences. Nearly all kids get embarrassed by their parents but wouldn't say it because it hurts feelings. She needs to apologise and you need to forgive her and go to the event.

Agree, you’ve chosen to have a child , why wouldn’t you do all you could? I mean I agree there’s a limit and not encouraging bad behaviour but terrible parenting to be doing the martyred „after all I’ve done for you“,

op pat yourself on the back its normal and part of her growing up and away from you. It’s not really personal. Better that than she’s clinging to you. But also agree that if you are trying to be friends with everyone then just stop! So I’d be leaning into it and saying so what yes of course I’m embarrassing that’s my job!