Motherhood, I'm exhausted and regretful

[DinosandRegrets678]

I really thought I'd like having a family. I've dreamt about it for a long time. DS is 11 months and he is wonderful, healthy and perfect, and I am so utterly and completely miserable.

I work full time and all the financial pressure is on me. I'm still breastfeeding (hoping to stop in 1-2 months). DH is ok but a bit of a disappointment tbh, he has times when he's amazing but I am very much the default parent. DS still wakes 2-3 times a night and I'm exhausted. We've both been horribly sick and just recovering, I had to take 3 days off sick so I can't even take a day off now to rest. We have no family. I have no friends anymore. I'm fat, in pain (thank you pregnancy), miserable.

I love my DS but god I regret having him. I find myself accelerating in curbs hoping I have a car crash. I'd really love a hospital stay. I don't want to die, well, I do, but I can't do that to DS.

I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel at all. What I need is some time off work probably and a few good naps but DH's job won't pay the mortgage or childcare so that's not happening. I don't have the energy to quit work and sell the house right now.

It's the middle of the night here and I can’t sleep because DS slipped in the bath and I feel horribly guilty. He's OK but it was my fault, I took my hand off him to grab a toy and he threw himself backwards and hit his head. So tomorrow I'll be even more sleep deprived.

I don't know why I'm posting. I'm hoping someone will come and say the first year is shit and hang in there I guess.

I feel from your post that you need more support. Have you spoken to your doctor as this could well be PND? Have you spoken to your family/ friends? You need more support for you here.

We don't have family nearby. And all my closest friends are childless and have zero interest in my life now. They're on nights out and nice holidays and I've basically lost all my friends. I'm mid 30s so you wouldn't expect that but here we are.

Ok, this is bad.
Breathe.
I‘ve been there. I get it.

But…
WTAF is your DH doing while you are exhausting yourself? My answers to your post depend on this.

If he is working himself to the bone doing 6 days a week in a minimum wage job yet still picks up the stuff at home then fine. I’m not hearing that.
He is supposed to be doing at least half the work. Is he?

Hi the first year is shit,nothing or noone can prepare you for it,its a complete culture shock to your system, your life as youve known its gone. I felt exactly like you with my first child,honestly i was in utter despair and constantly regretted ever having a baby.somehow dont ask me how you struggle through it and like some sortof voodoo shit its not so bad and actually gets easier year on year and then you forget and insanity takes over and you go again!hang in there,you'll be grand,i promise.xxx

Oh honey I feel for you .I really do.the first year is very tough.i think you may have PND as PP said .Make a Doctors appointment in the morning. Tell him how you feel.if you can get signed off sick.please drive carefully. There is always a way round things.

@MaggieBsBoat he has a vocational type job he loves. I knew he was never going to make big money. It is what it is. He does have the potential to make much more but he doesn't want the stress or long hours.

No, he doesn't really make up for it at home. Everything feels very much on me.

The first year is definitely tough, especially if you’re permanently sleep-deprived. There’s a reason it’s used as a form of torture. You’re exhausted and poorly - that does feel awful.

I echo what pp said - you need more support. Given your situation I’d suggest GP and a clear conversation with DH about how you’re feeling - he needs to step up and take some of this off you. You don’t mention why you’re in pain but that doesn’t sound normal if it’s still pregnancy-related so in addition to speaking to GP about how you’re feeling, definitely seek support with that. Feeling so miserable that you’d like to die is very extreme and could well be linked to PND.

Society tells us motherhood is supposed to be all fulfilling and there’s a feeling we should all be loving every minute of it. Maybe it’s like that for some but not for others. I can remember people saying “but you wouldn’t send her back” and the reality is that some days I absolutely would!! I promise you, it does get better.

You’re doing the toughest job in the world and with a wonderful, healthy and perfect DS, you’re clearly doing an amazing job. It’s time to give yourself some of the TLC you’re obviously giving him. Big hugs ❤️

@DinosandRegrets678 stay strong. That sounds very hard. Not popular opinion on here but I would knock breastfeeding on the head ASAP. Provided your son can take a bottle?

Can you take a week off sick just to regroup and get some sleep/rest?

It sounds v tough working full time at this stage I found it helpful when mine were little to join various baby groups to connect with other mums as I didn't have any family support either. I'm still friends with some of them 20 years on and it made a big difference. But I worked part time until youngest was in year 5.

It is such a hard age, OP. They are still so little but everyone expects you to be functioning as if they're much older and sleeping through, plus they are physically harder to look after as they get bigger / more mobile, and then you've got work on top of that.
It absolutely will get better in time, but you need to make a plan for how you can look after yourself in the meantime.

• Start with the GP, re: thoughts of hurting yourself and also the pain that you mentioned
• You need some time to rest, if all childcare days are used for work, DH needs to take your son out for a day at the weekend while you rest and recover (not do jobs). This needs to be a regular thing, even if it's just for a morning sometimes

The first year us probably the toughest for many reasons, especially sometimes when you are breastfeeding as it puts a lot of the pressure/ responsibility on you, but your post does sound a lot like you could possibly have PND (although obviously it is one single post and I am not a doctor) but I would recommend talking to a doctor or other professional who can help/ advise you on this. It could make a world of difference. I had a close relative with PND and on the surface they got by but with a lot of difficulties.underneath. Their doctor helped.

I'm sure I'm depressed but it's very much caused by the sleep deprivation. I haven't slept since my second trimester. No amount of antidepressants is going to help me when working full time after I've been woken up at 11.30, 2.30 and 5.30 night after night.

I’m normally a lurker here but couldn’t read and run. It will get easier I promise, but I know that doesn’t help in the here and now. I echo the above comments that your DH needs to step up - does he know how much you’re struggling?
I also really think you should see your GP - you sound exhausted, depressed and so in need of support. You are clearly such a loving and kind mother but you also need some looking after and kindness and you need to ask for help. I hope you manage to get a bit more rest tonight and things feel a little bit brighter in the morning.

@Jayinthetub the pain is from pelvic girdle pain. Started in pregnancy, I was completely unable to walk by week 36. It improved after giving birth but just hasn't gone away completely, doctor has said it does sometimes linger for around a year post partum. I've seen physio as well but it doesn't help much. If the pain is still there after 12 months and finishing breastfeeding, they'll do some scans to investigate further but nothing can be done until then.

Oh you poor thing you do sound on the edge. It is so relentless. I remember thinking I could take on the world if only I had some bloody sleep.
Have you told DH you are feeling like this? You need to. You shouldn’t feel guilty for needing a break sometimes. Is there anything at all you can throw some money at? Drop a day at work so you can go to some baby groups? Get some help for a couple of hours at bath time/teatime? Can you negotiate a weekend morning off to sleep or leave the house? Cleaner?
I had 3 in 3 years and If it helps I do remember a few stages when things improved: 6 weeks. 10 months and 3.5 years. When baby can do more or just becomes a bit more human!

Think about introducing some formula and cutting down the feeding so that your husband can give the baby a bottle. You will probably find that the baby stops waking so much but if he does still wake at 11:30 your husband should do that feed so you can go to bed early and get a solid bank of sleep before night wakings. If your baby is waking for boob tapering off will help. Do not feel guilty if you do this. 11 months is amazing but you need to look after your sanity.

Also please see your GP. They can get help for you with the postnatal depression. You are not alone and in seeking help they are not going to take your baby away, they are going to help you. Promise.

light at the end of the tunnel is that it does get easier as they get older. They become more independent, are less needy etc. They will sleep better, and so will you.

But short term, you and your husband need to find a workable solution. You need either less work, or less childcare, and he needs either more work or more childcare. You can give him that choice if you want. Either he does more work, so you can cut your hours.. or he does more childcare so you can cope at your current level. No ifs or buts, he has to pick one and stick by it.

Your husband needs to step up immediately. If you bring in the money he needs to take over the home - asap. Bottlefeeding / pumping and all the housework. tell him without sugarcoating it how desperate you are and that he is a shit partner and bad father now who lets his sick wife hanging by a thread. This is not optional, he needs to put his big boy pants on. NOW.

of he continued being useless I would separate asap and get any help I could get. In Germany we have something like „early helping“ from government or child protection who come to your house and help with household chores or the kid. Is this any option?

and you should get immediate therapy. Being overwhelmed and / or regretting motherhood is one thing. Thinking about self harm or dying another. This is very serious and needs the attention of a professional.

feel hugged.

Wait did you say you’re already working full time?

Yes OP said she’s working full time and that her paycheque pays for house etc. meanwhile husband does no housework etc.

I’m also going to suggest you stop breastfeeding. I felt so much better, and so much more like old self, when I stopped- I think it must have been hormonal.

Sleep deprivation and general exhaustion is horrific and so damaging to your mental wellbeing, but I think you should also see the GP as I think what you’ve described goes beyond this. Even in the depths of me waking every 30 minutes overnight for three months straight and having a baby who only napped in a moving pram (meaning I was walking 8-10 miles every day for nearly a bloody year) did not lead to me wanting to crash into the curb or long for hospitalisation.

Otherwise, is your partner working when you’re off work? If not, then bloody shove him and your child out the house for a full day each weekend or whenever and rest in their absence. Sleep, watch crap TV, listen to podcasts, whatever- you really need to prioritise yourself here for a while and shouldn’t feel remotely guilty for doing so.

If your partner won’t do that, or can’t be trusted to look after the baby alone, then that’s a bigger problem. If so, I think it’s worth you searching for some of the fantastic advice on this website that has been given to so many women with useless partners who just haven’t stepped up to fatherhood.

Otherwise, I know it doesn’t feel like this now, but it will get better for you. I used to want to throttle people who said it because when you’re in the depths of despair, it’s so all consuming that you can’t feel any hope. But it did get better, and I love being a Mum now and have done since my son stopped being a baby really.

This is terrible advice. Stopping breastfeeding can cause your hormones to go haywire and if OP is feeling fragile anyway then "knocking it on the head" is just asking for trouble.

A much better option would be that OP concentrates on the breastfeeding and DH can do all the things she can't do with a small child attached to her.

It doesn't solve the night waking but stopping breastfeeding doesn't always solve it either and you can end up with a child who still wakes but you've taken away the most efficient method of settling.

Do you cosleep, OP? Would you consider it? I found I got way more sleep when I could roll over, pop my boob in DS' mouth and go back to sleep myself.

Have you considered sertraline?

Ok in that case I would DEFINITELY start tapering off the breastfeeding and start insisting on shared nights with mixed feeding, with a view to stopping breastfeeding entirely once you’re more rested and the hormones have levelled out a bit. I don’t think carrying on is in your interest and therefore it isn’t in your baby’s interest. Do not feel guilty! You’ve done amazingly well but your baby needs a mum who is not exhausted and depressed.

Why should you be doing all the nights when you are both working full time? Besides, sleep will improve with a bit of formula and less boob waking so you’ll both get more rest.

But also see your GP.

Motherhood is "hard", which is a euphemism we often use to cover up the fact that huge swathes of it are actually awful.

But you need to urgently speak to a GP about how you're feeling. Call in sick to work (you can, they will cope without you) and ask for an emergency GP appointment today. Tell the doctor what you've told us here. Tell them about the curbs.

It does get better but in the meantime there is support available.