Motherhood, I'm exhausted and regretful

[DinosandRegrets678]

I really thought I'd like having a family. I've dreamt about it for a long time. DS is 11 months and he is wonderful, healthy and perfect, and I am so utterly and completely miserable.

I work full time and all the financial pressure is on me. I'm still breastfeeding (hoping to stop in 1-2 months). DH is ok but a bit of a disappointment tbh, he has times when he's amazing but I am very much the default parent. DS still wakes 2-3 times a night and I'm exhausted. We've both been horribly sick and just recovering, I had to take 3 days off sick so I can't even take a day off now to rest. We have no family. I have no friends anymore. I'm fat, in pain (thank you pregnancy), miserable.

I love my DS but god I regret having him. I find myself accelerating in curbs hoping I have a car crash. I'd really love a hospital stay. I don't want to die, well, I do, but I can't do that to DS.

I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel at all. What I need is some time off work probably and a few good naps but DH's job won't pay the mortgage or childcare so that's not happening. I don't have the energy to quit work and sell the house right now.

It's the middle of the night here and I can’t sleep because DS slipped in the bath and I feel horribly guilty. He's OK but it was my fault, I took my hand off him to grab a toy and he threw himself backwards and hit his head. So tomorrow I'll be even more sleep deprived.

I don't know why I'm posting. I'm hoping someone will come and say the first year is shit and hang in there I guess.

You need to show your DH this post, I bet he is oblivious to your distress and how close you are to the edge. He needs to step up before he looses his family.

I really feel for you. At best you’re completely exhausted, working your ass off to keep plates spinning, recently poorly, struggling emotionally and managing constant griping pain. The good news is that anyone would be finding this hard and you very literally deserve a medal.

Next steps:

1. Serious conversation with husband. “I am struggling here and you need to help me”. Bare minimum you need to sleep whenever he can have DS - he needs to pick up weekends.
2. GP - explain how you feel, pain levels and sleepless nights. See what they can suggest. Even if medication isn’t the long term solution, you need some short term respite.

You are incredible OP. Hang in there!

Maybe time to stop BF and the night wakings need to be shared. You need to have a serious chat with your DH and tell him that you’re struggling and he needs to step up more. Once you’re bottle feeding you can have a full night off at least once per week. Sleep in another room if you have one, tell your DH he does Friday night, you do Saturday etc. As you’re both working you can also share the night wakings. Women are their own worse enemies sometimes too as they try and be a martyr but exhaust themselves in the process. I was one of them.

My middle child was a terrible sleeper. He was still waking 2-3 times a night when I went back to work when he was 12 months. He was around 18 months before he started sleeping through. He’s about to graduate next week, and I can honestly say he has not caused me a day’s trouble apart from that first terrible couple of years. He has been a dream child and life certainly gets easier. My youngest is 17 now but I haven’t forgotten how hard those first couple of years are. It get’s easier, but please reach out for help.

OP I’ve survived terrible sleep deprivation and I just want to say that I still really think you’d benefit from speaking to the doctor. Yes sleep deprivation is horrific and truly impacts on every aspect of your life and can make you feel miserable and anxious. But it shouldn’t be making you feel so bad you want to to crash your car on a regular basis (I have had that thought before as well but a fleeting one, not a regular one) and I think that’s why people are urging you to speak to a doctor, it sounds like PND and it doesn’t sound like some sleep will just fix this.

Sleep deprivation could also still go on for a while yet, and even when it ends you will still feel far more tired than you did before kids. You can’t just rely on it ending soon and life going back to how it was before because it won’t.

Can you start attending groups of a weekend to meet other mums? Have a child free night out with your child free friends?

And absolutely you need a serious chat with your partner about how you’re feeling and what he needs to do to support you better.

You sound depressed and it's understandable - you are doing all the work and taking all the strain. Like you, I had a husband who had a lovely job working from home. He didn't earn much, gave customers free stuff, didn't charge enough etc and wouldn't take responsibility for finances. It's easy to refuse to take the strain when you don't have to because someone else will do it for you! You have to start putting your foot down and making him contribute more. And see a GP about the depression. Don't accept that it's inevitable.

Your child isn't the problem, your husband is.

It sounds very hard. I think you need to speak to your husband and to your gp. Your husband needs to step up. If he’s not going to bear the financial burden he needs to do more practically around the house.

Oh dear lovely lady bless you. This is the bit no one ever tells you, how bloody hard,tiring,mentally exhausting,physically exhausting,guilt ridden parenthood is. I can assure we are all the same as you in various ways. Please don't be so hard on yourself I am sure you are doing a great job and you sound like a fab mum. I can't promise you it will ever get easier because it changes and each stage when you think you have cracked it something different pops up to unsettle us!But you do cope,you do find enjoyment in your role and you will be so proud of what you can achieve. I promise you you have so much to look forward to with your baby going forward. The first time you hear mum your heart will soar,except and this is the shitty bit it will probably be dada and you will think ffs I do all this and well... ffs! I did !!! It is a funny old game this parenthood lark and you can only do your best and it it will be good enough,it will be ok. Its not a competition thank the lord cos if it was all us mothers would be losing!!! We can't win but we can be ok and thats all we need to do. It gets easier in many ways then it gets hard again and you wonder what the fuck is happening then you get over that as quickly as it comes and its easier again till it isn't!!!!! Roll with it, look after you with as much love and care as you look after everyone else please don't forget this bit as it is important..you matter the most cos bugger all can function and grow without you being strong. Above all,all will be well and you will get used to all the changes and on the good days on this magical journey you will look back and be so chuffed abut how far you have all come together and it does come round that fast. First day at school will be there with you in the blink of an eye...Relax, stop beating yourself up do what you can when you can and you, like the rest of us will be ok promise you! x

Motherhood is tough and you are in the trenches. What’s I’ve found about parenthood is that it starts to shake the foundations of a relationship and shows where the cracks are.

your husband/ partner needs to hear how much you are struggling. He needs to hear the intrusive thoughts about suicide. I told my GP about my suicidal thoughts and she explained that actually it was depression. I felt so ashamed, it was such a relief to hear I wasn’t actually likely to die, my brain was telling me something needed to change.

you need rest, alone time and connection.

could you find a peer support group near you? There are a few about for mums and they are brilliant.

you’re not alone in this x

The problem is your husband. He needs to step up. It’s not good enough. His lack of help is making you regret having your son. I’m sure he is tired after work but you are on the floor. At 11 months baby should stretch feeds. He needs to take baby from 7pm - 12am so you can sleep and again from 6am till he needs to leave/start work. On weekends he should be taking baby both mornings and evenings so you can sleep. He should also be cleaning up and helping round house. Yes he won’t have fun and he will be tried but so what.

you are also going to need alot of support when you stop breastfeeding from your DH.

Ah I’ve been there, just to say IT GETS BETTER! I used to want to die, much like you described - but wouldn’t because, as you say, I couldn’t do that to my DC.

I used to worry so much when people would say, you are in the easy part wait until xyz - what I’ve learnt is all children are different. My DC, much like yours, did not sleep well. I was extremely sleep deprived. Your DS sounds like mine, and it will get easier. You will sleep again, and he will become this amazing little person who talks to you about his thoughts and feelings. You will slowly start to get your life back, but also be able to share it with this super little person. I just want to reassure you of that, as I remember when I was in the depths of it, I needed to know this. And it was horrible when everyone kept saying it gets worse, but it does only get better!

In terms of addressing the here and now, you need a serious chat with DH. I didn’t do this enough, my DH was constantly moaning about how exhausted he was and how lucky I was - I wish I’d told him straight. But in my haze of tiredness I didn’t have the energy. But, you should do it. You need support, this baby is as much his responsibility as yours.

You also need to speak to a GP. I know everything feels overwhelming, I remember just thinking I’ll get through this, I’m just too tired to do anything. But, it should help.

take care, it does get easier - you are truly in the trenches.

You’re a new mother and no way should you be the breadwinner too.

Lots of us have to, sadly.

Adding a bottle, and stopping breastfeeding, were touted to me as the solutions. I resisted for a while and then tried them. For me, they made it worse. He stopped feeding at night but then took forever to get back to sleep and wouldn’t accept Dad doing it, so then I was up even more all night. At least with feeding he was done and asleep again within a few hours.

You do need to treat the PND. You might find just doing that is enough to make the sleep deprivation feel less heavy. I know it feels like nothing will help right now but it will, you do kinda get used to it, and hopefully his sleep will improve over time. You also need to push DH to help. I never managed it which probably meant it took me longer to “fix” but sleep in the evening, if you can, sleep on weekend days.

My 3.5 year old now sleeps through most nights, but is up from 6 as a result. My 4 month old has been awake every yours so she’s currently snoozing while I play with the toddler before I go to work. I promise it does get better. The curb thing needs treating first; that’s a real red flag. Get some help. There’s lots out there and they’ll understand x

I felt like you op. Hated my body and I mean HATED. What is your childcare set up like… can you get more - a babysitter, a nanny, a doula.. i agree your husband isn’t doing enough which is sadly completely common.
i also regretted DS -and occasionally still do.
id say also stop breastfeeding. You’ve done absolutely ages and it’s more than enough!! My body recovered when I stopped and I felt so so so much better generally. It shocked me so much actually how grueling it was that I think if I had another I wouldn’t breastfeed beyond the first few months. So I’d stop that and I’d sort the sleep out as priorities. The rest you can worry about after these two. Lots of love to you xxxxx

I found that stopping breastfeeding vastly improved my mental health (particularly if you are trying to pump while working full time).

It is a huge responsibility and tie when also working full time. I also found it meant when my baby woke up… it was always on me to feed them to sleep. Get them on a bottle with cows milk and your DH can get up and do the night feeds instead.

More generally though OP - you need to work out with your DH how to split the tasks more evenly. A lot of women end up ‘default parent’ due to mat leave and then that’s how things stay even when you are back at work.

If you burn out and lose your job it is def going to affect him. I think you need to sit him down and have a serious chat about quite how close to the edge you are. It’s awful that women have to split themselves in two like this.

Do what you need to survive here.
Tell your DH that you are wanting to have an accident and a hospital stay you are so exhausted so it’s his turn to step up.
Stop breast feeding, or stop at night as a minimum. DH will sleep with DS and you put ear plugs in every night but 1 or 2 a week.
if you can afford to go and spend a couple of nights a week in a hotel. Do bedtime or whatever but then go somewhere to sleep.
British parenting is weirdly martyred. There are no prizes for being this miserable so take of yourself. Do whatever else you need but sleep will make the biggest difference.
Some of the best adult men I bknow had dads as their primary carers

None of this is going to work unless your husband steps up. Medicating you is not a solution to his uselessness, you are exhausted because your husband basically doesn’t care. He’s buying his leisure with YOUR labour.

Bottle feed, he shares nights, he can do some housework. I’m fucking furious on your behalf.

You need to sleep train and night wean. Your DP needs to step up and be the lead parent in charge of this.

I disagree with this - OP shouldn’t need to take a step back in her career.

Her DH needs to be taking on more of the domestic duties to enable her to do her job and have some down time.

Medicating you is not a solution to his uselessness

Hard agree with this

I’d agree but I think OP should speak to her GP both about how she’s feeling and the PGP.

I wouldn’t accept that DH situation as ‘it is what it is’. If he doesn’t want stress and long hours in his nice job for the soul, he needs to do a shit ton more at home to support you (the breadwinner and mother) and his own DC. He doesn’t get to be useless while you’re driven to the edge like this. Have you spelt it out exactly how bad you’re feeling? I’d be going fucking ballistic at him tbh but you’d probably get more out of laying it out calmly and clearly - he needs to step up, very specifically with a list of responsibilities to take the pressure off you, or he’ll be doing it all as you won’t be around. Make him take the burden and then get yourself to the GP. I’d also book a weekend away to get some rest on your own. It’s a good way to mark the end of the breastfeeding era and after that he can be the one getting up in the night. You’ll be through the worst soon and it will get better. Hang in there and get help. You can be your own kind of mum not some impossible perfect version doing everything.

Sleep deprivation is absolutely horrific. I felt as you do when my oldest was a baby. I logically did not feel depressed about my situation but my emotions were extremely dark and I had thoughts like you do about harming myself. I really did start to feel better once I got some sleep and have never felt like that since.

Please see your GP, someone needs to know you are feeling that way. Don't be afraid to go, they're there to help and you absolutely won't be the first mother to turn up feeling that way.

Your DH really needs to step up here. In the longer term he needs to step up entirely. But right now he needs to take the baby for the whole day Saturday and Sunday so that you can go to bed. Even a few hours rest will help your mood.

It definitely sounds like you have post natal depression. I did too and it's awful the way it makes you feel. I spent the entire first year hating my life and one day I thought "if I don't wake up tomorrow then I don't have to deal with this". I knew I had to get help. Anti depressants won't take away the tiredness but they can help to lift the cloud that hangs above you. I would definitely see your GP about it. The first year is so so hard but you're doing an amazing job but please get yourself some help and some rest - you can't pour from an empty cup xx

Sleep deprivation is honestly one of the worst things in life. There is no energy left, it leaves you depressed unable to cope.

i would prioritise catching up on sleep straight away. Tell DH he needs to get up with DS in the mornings while you sleep. At weekends take naps. You will feel like a new person once that’s sorted.