Motherhood, I'm exhausted and regretful

[DinosandRegrets678]

I really thought I'd like having a family. I've dreamt about it for a long time. DS is 11 months and he is wonderful, healthy and perfect, and I am so utterly and completely miserable.

I work full time and all the financial pressure is on me. I'm still breastfeeding (hoping to stop in 1-2 months). DH is ok but a bit of a disappointment tbh, he has times when he's amazing but I am very much the default parent. DS still wakes 2-3 times a night and I'm exhausted. We've both been horribly sick and just recovering, I had to take 3 days off sick so I can't even take a day off now to rest. We have no family. I have no friends anymore. I'm fat, in pain (thank you pregnancy), miserable.

I love my DS but god I regret having him. I find myself accelerating in curbs hoping I have a car crash. I'd really love a hospital stay. I don't want to die, well, I do, but I can't do that to DS.

I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel at all. What I need is some time off work probably and a few good naps but DH's job won't pay the mortgage or childcare so that's not happening. I don't have the energy to quit work and sell the house right now.

It's the middle of the night here and I can’t sleep because DS slipped in the bath and I feel horribly guilty. He's OK but it was my fault, I took my hand off him to grab a toy and he threw himself backwards and hit his head. So tomorrow I'll be even more sleep deprived.

I don't know why I'm posting. I'm hoping someone will come and say the first year is shit and hang in there I guess.

I think you need to call your GP this morning and get signed off work for at least a week. Work isn't rhe problem, but it's the aspect of your life that you can take a break from.

Then get some sleep during the day. This will put you in a better frame of mind to tackle your dad's sleep and dh's lack of contribution.

You need to talk to your husband, and explain how you feel and that he needs to step up and take some pressure off you. I understand him not wanting a high pressure/long hours job, but if he's staying in his current role, he can't come home after work and sit on his arse. He needs to be taking on cooking an evening meal, playing with your child, bedtimes and yes, getting up at night too! You are trying to juggle too many plates, and need support. Too many men seem to think 'going to work' is enough, whilst their wife/partner is left with doing everything else (and in some cases like yours working too). You need to work together as a team.

This

I was in a very similar situation with my first, albeit I hadn't gone back to work at 11 months. I also felt that there would be no point speaking to anyone about PND because all I needed was some bloody sleep!! However now that several years have passed I do look back and wonder if perhaps anti depressants might have just helped me to cope a bit better during those long days and nights.

My major issue was sleep deprivation too, and at 11 months there is help out there - I'd advise calling your health visitor team and asking for some support with sleep. They support from 12 months I believe...they work with a sleep charity and the advise I got was pretty good. A lady came out to my house every few weeks and each time we agreed on which strategy I would try next to help improve sleep. Some things were gentle sleep training and others were things like the food I was feeding baby, sleep environment etc. It was actually very helpful because I had someone holding me accountable for making changes so I had to do it, and within 8 weeks baby was sleeping through.

I would consider stopping bf and then your dh can step up and do his share of nights. Also you can then arrange a might away doing something grown up with your friends. I found that lots of issues I was having post partum cleared up as soon as my milk dried up so that might also help the pelvic pain.

Sorry “doesn’t want the stress or long hours”??? That is not acceptable. He does whatever he can do NOW to lighten your burden. Stop making excuses for him (but big big hugs to you)

I have pelvic pain and I'm in Amatrypalene which helps loads. Please know you are not alone. I struggled terribly with the first two years. DD is 3 next week and I've only just spoken to my Dr about reducing SSRI and Amatrypalene. If it helps I slept 9pm-3am and DH covered this shift. I then did any wake ups from 3am. This has worked for us as we each got 6 hours sleep. It's Soo hard with no help. DH gets a lie in on weekends and then I nap 1-3 when DD naps which helps me recover. All the best.

If you work ft presumably your son is at nursery? Sometimes nursery staff will do babysitting, which might give you extra space in the evenings?

I'm so sorry you're struggling with this and no wonder, you have the world on your shoulders. Speak to a GP asap about how you're feeling, it's serious.

A husband who helps you would make life so much easier so it sounds like you need to have a strong conversation with him, a deal breaker one essentially. You need to get him in doing nights to stop breast feeding at night to get you some sleep.

Thoughts are ten times, a hundred times more anxious, sorrowful, and depressing at night. I have a poor sleeper and the amount of might wakes ups I've lay there going through regret or worries and everything must feels amplified in the sleep deprived deaths of night. Everything looks better in the morning but thats not happening foe you hevause your husband isn't 50/50 when he should be. Even if he was the main earner he still needs to be 50/50 sharing the load with your child.

Really need him to understand how burnt out you are and how close to a crisis you are, I hope he listens.

You can and should take time off work, if you feel like you need to crash your car to get a break you are unwell and your work has a policy for sick leave you must take it, it’s there for people who need it and you need it NOW.
I agree taper off breast feeding and introduce the bottle again you are unwell you’ve done well breastfeeding through exhaustion but your husband can now do night feeds.
Can you speak to GP or health visitor ? Maybe see if local childminder could take your son for a day together some rest since you have zero support
Lastly but most important you need to be honest and tell your husband how you feel he needs to take your son out more , out to the park or swimming and you rest
It will get better you will start to enjoy your life again with your son but right now you must take steps to get better . There are woman on mumsnet rooting for you but please take theses steps to wellness.

Can you take a few weeks off as annual leave? If not, take some time off on the sick, You need a break. Have you told DH how you feel? Tell him he needs to take the reigns a bit. Would you be entitled to any benefits if you were to cut your hours? Speak to your GP about PND. Do you have a spare room you could spend as full night in and leave DH with DC?

What area are you in?

Please say to your dp - ‘I’m suicidal. Make me a GP appointment.’ Just keep repeating that until he takes in that it’s urgent. It’s the depression that tells you that nothing will help; the depression wants you to die. We all want you to live because there are going to be much, much better days and better times very soon.

Go and see your GP and worry about the rest after that. They’ll probably say you’re unfit to work. That will be hard but it’s right, and might at least let you sleep a bit.

If you are feeling suicidal and can’t get help, please call 111, they have mental health nurses.

Sleep deprivation is awful. I remember once googling if I could
die from tiredness! All I can say, is thankfully, it does get better. Even if you change nothing, it will get better and the stints will slowly get longer.

Would you consider night weaning? Still bf morning / bedtime but not through the night? That way DH can take turns / do the night wakings so you get some longer chunks? That was a huge turning point for me around 1yr old. Only took a few nights and DH went into her whenever she woke. It dropped it down to one wake between 12&3, which he continued to resettle.

Til you get longer chunks at night then make sure you’re getting a lie in at the weekends and ideally DH has a solid half day with them so you can get some proper rest.

DH also needs to be doing over 50% of the household work, washing / meal prep / tidying. Can he do bath and bedtime? You should be really honest with him and tell him that you have no outside support and so it’s never been more important that he’s supporting you and helping you get through this period.

Sleep is such a biggie, and crossing everything that you get more soon.

Just wanting to send you lots of love. Parenting is so hard and nothing prepares you for the sleeplessness and exhaustion.

BUT is a phase and it will pass.

i know you don’t have family nearby but could you invite anyone to come and stay to help out - cook, clean make you a cup of tea run a bath. You need some TLC. Not to entertain them but to support you. Could you take a long weekend and stay with someone ?

Im wondering if you’ve just returned to work so this is all a new routine and it will feel like mountain to climb right now- again it’s not easy but it will settle. Do you have supportive colleagues?
Agree with others -

Tell your DH how you feel and what you need from him- more rest!! Can he cook, clean, start to bottle feed. Give you weekend lies in & early nights. A nap/siesta in the day.

After work can you have a relaxing bath and 30 minutes to yourself everyday with no demands from him or DS or anyone. Get a Netflix series & watch something everyday that’s just for you. Read a book. Something even if not sleeping that restores you a little.

Yoga nidra is lovely - I was told in pregnancy that 30 minutes of this is equivalent to 4 hours sleep so I still use this now when I’m struggling to sleep or just for a rest. Lots on YouTube. The calm app is great too.

See a Dr and get the help they can offer.

Pump so you can still BF & your DH can step up. Or start to intro formula & a bottle. when your little one eats more & gets more active sleep improves again.

Get your DH to step up with a night feed or settling your DS so you can get a stretch of sleep.

Can you even on a short term basis change your work hours? Drop a day or use some annual leave. Can you work from home more to save travel time.

If you need time off work to recover - do it! Your Dr can advise around that and any other support available. Are you still in touch with your health visitor ?

Can you see an osteopath for your pain. Find one that specialises in women/pregancy - I had an unstable pelvis with my 2nd it was so painful and tiring - osteo really helped. I was fortunate that a few sessions righted me. Sorting the pain will also help improve your exhaustion levels. Pain alone is exhausting and can cause low mood.

Do you have some working mum friends who can understand how you are feeling or who have been there ? It sounds like most of your current friends don’t yet have children so that must feel a bit isolating. When they do they will be very lucky to have you - as you will be there to empathise and give tips on how to get through these times.

Do take care it’s tough - parenting is not easy and there are often curve balls, just as you adjust to one stage another one peaks around the corner. I read the books and never felt prepared! It is a case of getting through but there are always magic moments.

Sometimes just noting 3 things at the end of the day that you enjoyed/felt proud of or are grateful for is a good thing to do to keep perspective that it’s not all hard or unrewarding and that there are good moments to every day.

Things will change. You have got this you are doing it.

Stop breastfeeding now. You have done really well to bf as long as you have. Get onto formula and set up a routine where your partner does a night feed. The night feeds should be coming to an end soon once your child starts adjusting to the bottle and solids.

You need to speak to your partner and set some routines in place so he helps. If he resists this then you need to think if you really want to be carrying him in this relationship.

Why do you think motherhood is what’s making you miserable when you are ALSO working full time, carrying the brunt of supporting your family, not sleeping, and not feeling like your DH has your back? It sounds like you love DS and are a good mum and you deserve to be able to enjoy the good parts.

Look, some men are happy to let you be default parent and then call you a nag if you try to get them to do their fair share. You normally find out in the first year pp if so. He will not give you permission to rest, you need to do that for yourself. Feed the baby then go out/take a nap/have a bath giving him the monitor. Say clearly “take DS away for an hour, I need this time to recharge my batteries.” Not “would you like DS for a bit” or “I think DS would like to go to the park with you” etc. The more he does it, the more he will do it.

Likewise housework, “please empty and refill the dishwasher and sweep the floor, I am too tired to do anything but go to bed.” Yes he should notice and just do it. But he’s not feeling the sleep deprivation and pelvic pain. He’ll be expecting things to go ‘back to normal’ about now, when nothing will ever be ‘normal’ again now you have a child.

To an extent the first year is survival and then seeing what’s left of you after DC first birthday, yes.

I’m going to be blunt but truthful here, it’s not you, it’s not the baby, it’s your useless DH!

By all means speak to the GP about getting some help, pnd is serious and it is really good to reach out. I found counselling really helpful too.

But, I do think 90% of your problem here is your husband and not your baby.

What sort of man watches his partner be sleep deprived and regretful of having her baby and still does absolutely nothing? Someone that’s meant to love you, doesn’t seem to care that your breaking?

My friend has been in a never ending cycle of PND and is constantly trying new ways to pick herself up, but to be quite honest, it’s because her lazy DH does naff all, she’s left to work full time and still do all the night wakings and take on the mental load. She does 99% of the parenting despite both of them working part time. It genuinely makes me wonder, is it the baby? Or is it that useless DH!

I would be considering introducing a bottle and DH doing 1 or 2 of the night wakings and I’d also be telling him he needs to give his head a wobble and start stepping up!!!

Start with the GP. You are depressed by every definition. It does not matter whether itis caused by ... you believe by sleep deprivation .... it needs treating.

Talk to your OH. He is swanning around in a low pressure job while you are going under being main breadwinner and homemaker and parent.
He must do nights ... simple as that. What does baby wake up for? If he is still wanting food in the night then he must have a bottle, given by your OH while you are asleep. Not negotiable

So sorry it's so shit. I didn't enjoy the baby years much, but it really does get easier and more enjoyable as they get older. I remember lying on the floor so exhausted around the 2 year mark and thinking I cannot do this. But I did, and you can too.
Antidepressants short term did help even though the problem is exhaustion. I would speak to your GP. Don't be scared to do that.
I didn't have help either. It's you and your little one and you can do this. You can make it easier if you start trying to put things in place to help. I would go part time and sell the house in your shoes. Sending you a massive hug. Xxx

https://pelvicpartnership.org.uk/

Use this site to look for a physio/osteo/chiro recommended by another woman with PGP: getting that pain gone will help enormously.

Talk to your husband: you need more from him; your child needs him to support you more.

I have no advice other than what PP have said but I just wanted to say I understand and it is so so hard. It sounds like you're under way too much pressure. Something has to give.

I really would speak to your GP about getting signed off work for a while. Please do tell them about all the stress you're dealing with and the thoughts you're having about not wanting to be here. They can help. Your DS loves you so much, think of it as getting help for him too.

I wish you all the best OP and hope you'll be feeling better before long x

I so so feel your pain, I also completely hated the first year and it I’m only just now (he is 4) feeling like normal life is resuming. Sleep deprivation is the worst thing ever and makes you feel awful so it’s great that you know that. I think your hubby really needs to be given a lift of jobs and a hard stare (/ ultimatum that you’re leaving him! Whatever is most effective!) to force him to do them. Or get a cleaner. Buy nice ready meals. Are you able to take mat leave stress leave sick leave from your job??? You need a break. You earn money - hire a night nanny just for a couple of nights if you possibly can so you can get your sanity back. You are really important, you deserve this, and 100% it DOES get better, hang on in there. You’re doing an amazing job and it’s a really shit job - especially right at the start! And don’t worry at all about DS bumping his head, it was an accident and kids have bumps all the time. You are doing really well. Sending so much love I know how you feel but this will end I promise!!! Xx

Make an appointment to see your GP you’ve clearly got post natal depression! Your thoughts of harm are not those of a tired first time mum! You need help and you need it today!

OP parenting, mostly solo is exhausting. Speak to your GP and get signed off for a month. Juggling work, burn out and trying to be a new Mum with little support is tough as it gets. Take some time to recover and put you and the wee one first. It does get easier but be extra kind to yourself meantime. Speak to DH too. Tell him you are physically and mentally exhausted and need more help. If you can afford it book a couple of nights away, just you and let DH watch DS so you can get some me time.

I’m so sorry things are difficult. I’ve had the thoughts about wishing for an accident, in my case when stuck in very high stress exhausting jobs - it’s a horrible place to be. I’m also the breadwinner and have taken big pay cuts for a less shit life 😂

I agree with PPs your DH isn’t pulling his weight in the household - hopefully you can have some constructive crisis talks with him about how to change that over the weekend. Everything can’t fall to you!

On sleep - I have a 9 month old and the only time I was sleep deprived was when I tried to transfer her to a cot after sitting in an armchair every feed, early on. I had a hour or two of sleep and felt like death warmed up. It was totally unsustainable and I switched to bedsharing the next night (following the safe sleep 7 guidelines). Not sure what your setup and preferences are for sleep, but I mention just because bedsharing changed the game for me - I stick baby on boob whenever she wakes overnight and she goes back to sleep fast. (The latter part must be luck!!) Everybody in our house gets a good night’s sleep. I don’t see where PPs are coming from suggesting formula is easier than BF a bedsharing baby, but that’s just my experience with one baby 😂 Formula isn’t a guaranteed fix for baby waking at night either, so I’d be doing everything I could to minimise disruption from wakes personally.

I’d be prepared for a possible hormone crash when you stop BF which can feel like depression - take care with that as you’re already feeling low. Are there any BF support groups you could go to / any IBCLCs who’ll call you to discuss weaning when that’s something you want to do?

The PGP sounds so tough - are you taking what pain meds you can? I saw a PP mention amitriptyline which could be worth discussing with your GP. Any private health cover with your job for a further opinion on it? Top hit on Google is a large Norwegian study saying BF actually helped PGP, so it may not be cut and dried when it comes to that connection.

I really hope you can get the right support and this can improve for you 💕