Motherhood, I'm exhausted and regretful

[DinosandRegrets678]

I really thought I'd like having a family. I've dreamt about it for a long time. DS is 11 months and he is wonderful, healthy and perfect, and I am so utterly and completely miserable.

I work full time and all the financial pressure is on me. I'm still breastfeeding (hoping to stop in 1-2 months). DH is ok but a bit of a disappointment tbh, he has times when he's amazing but I am very much the default parent. DS still wakes 2-3 times a night and I'm exhausted. We've both been horribly sick and just recovering, I had to take 3 days off sick so I can't even take a day off now to rest. We have no family. I have no friends anymore. I'm fat, in pain (thank you pregnancy), miserable.

I love my DS but god I regret having him. I find myself accelerating in curbs hoping I have a car crash. I'd really love a hospital stay. I don't want to die, well, I do, but I can't do that to DS.

I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel at all. What I need is some time off work probably and a few good naps but DH's job won't pay the mortgage or childcare so that's not happening. I don't have the energy to quit work and sell the house right now.

It's the middle of the night here and I can’t sleep because DS slipped in the bath and I feel horribly guilty. He's OK but it was my fault, I took my hand off him to grab a toy and he threw himself backwards and hit his head. So tomorrow I'll be even more sleep deprived.

I don't know why I'm posting. I'm hoping someone will come and say the first year is shit and hang in there I guess.

It stood out to me that your dh could work harder and longer, but doesn’t want the stress or long hours.

Read that back op. Your dh is forcing you to carry the entire load to make life easier for himself. He needs to step up immediately both his financial contribution and chores, childcare. I am sorry he is such a disappointment. Do not have anymore children with him. You need a cleaner, a babysitter and some proper time off. Just for yourself. Get signed off today, and go back to bed. Then make a solid plan for the future, you can not carry on like this. There are solutions. 💐💐

Have you had conversations with your DH about how you feel? Does he understand how you are feeling?

i know this won’t necessarily make you feel better but it will get better. Both mine have been bad sleepers and I BF until they were about 13mo. My DH was as good as he could have been but those nights almost killed me. I remember walking down the pavement one day thinking about stepping out in front of a car, just desperate to make it all stop. It won’t be like this forever but you do need to address the division of labour with your DH - that won’t get better on its own x

Where the hell is your husband in all of this?

Hello. I'm so sorry you're feeling this bad.
You need the Ferber sleep training book. It's a life-saver.

I was you.

I had postnatal depression and anxiety. You need to get to your GP and keep going back until you get a diagnosis or treatment. Or go private if you can afford it.

This is the hardest time- you are exhausted. It is relentless.

I absolutely promise you it does end. I regretted motherhood and was broken by it. But now it’s so much easier, really fun and enjoyable and I don’t regret any of it.

You need regular breaks and lots of sleep. Ask for all the help you can get.

Also: sleep train. We did at 7 months and it was a lifesaver.

Try Nicola at Child Sleep Solutions. She’s a miracle worker.

Once I stopped breastfeeding at 11 months baby slept through, not the case for everyone but I found with both my kids it made a huge difference. I gradually dropped feeds, replaced with formula, Dad did night wake ups/resettling and it was all over in about a week. I was at breaking point with sleep deprivation and depression and I wasnt even back at work yet.

Please speak to your GP about how you are feeling, and your DH needs to step up. I know it doesnt feel like it right now but I promise you will get through it and things will keep changing.

This is a DH problem. He is going to have to step up massively so you don't end up seriously ill.

Fine for your dh to have a vocational job, unforgivable of him to not help you when you’re feeling this low. First step- give him some specific tasks that will take the burden off you. Reduce the breastfeeding (you’re exhausted, you need some recovery time). Get your husband to take the child out of the house when you come home from work so you have time to rest. More than anything else, you urgently need rest.

You’ve simply had a child with the wrong man.

You should have had the option to take a years maternity leave.

If the father of your child is not contributing to the household in a meaningful way he needs to leave.

If you’re exhausted then you shouldn’t be bathing your child - he should.

Also, babies are slippery. Mine propelled himself out of the side of the bath when he was tiny. I was sitting on a chair while he bathed and he suddenly dove out the side. I caught him with my legs and then picked him up. He didn’t have a scratch on him - but he could have died if I hadn’t caught him as the bath was up high and has a step.

Pelvic girdle pain is awful. The first time I had it was in the middle of the night and I woke up screaming. I’ve had other pain to compare it to and it’s still pretty bad.

You need someone to look after you. You need someone to take care of the baby and you while you sleep.

You are exhausted - severely sleep deprived, depressed and anxious and not getting anywhere near enough sleep and you’re working.

I’m going to say this kindly - you need to stop breastfeeding. My sister used to complain about all of the times she was kept awake cluster feeding and that isn’t a thing if you give your child a bottle.

If you stop breastfeeding you can take some medication to help you rest and recover. You absolutely need it.

A side note about losing friendships - that sometimes happens with adult female relationships - especially when you have kids. It’s happened to me and I’m not even working. I don’t fit in with the stay at home mums and the working mums are always rushing when they pick their kids up.

I take it you’re in the UK? If you were in my city (in Australia) I would meet up with you to see if I could help in some way.

I agree with many of the comments. The fact you are feeling so low I would agree to seeking help from the GP.
Is your little one eating food as well as having milk?
Can you express or consider formula so that you can do shifts at night, with taking turns over who wakes with the baby?

It is good that your DH loves his job..I am going to be unpopular here and say as long as he is working a full day then this doesn't need to change. You can't just magic up a higher paid job from no where and it's really competitive at the moment to find anything. What he does need to do is make sure he then shares the household tasks.

I would make sure you delegate tasks and then don't step in if he does it 'wrong'. There are posts I have seen where women moan about partners not helping but then say they have to help or redo the task. If if he is doing something with the baby and says they just want their mum, then ignore this and make sure he spends time with them.
He could do the bath while you do dinner or vice versa.

Do either of you work at the weekend? How does that look in terms of shared childcare and housework if both home? As a partnership you should be taking it in turns to have a rest morning/day. Can he take the baby out for a bit? Again no excuses of they will want you/want feeding. He will have to manage.

1. the first year is the most exhausting.
2. i wouldn’t take more time off work, as losing your income would add to your stress.
3. id also start to wean off breastmilk, and at this stage you could increase solids.
4. ask DH to do a day at the weekend so you can sleep. Even 4 hours in a row (a full sleep cycle) will make a massive difference.
5. You sound chronically sleep deprived rather than depressed per se. See how you do after sleep, before going on any meds.
6. take ibuprofen or paracetamol etc for the back pain so that you can sleep.
7. make sure you’re on rock solid birth control.

hang in there, it does get better.

You need to absolutely and utterly lose your shit with your useless manchild of a husband so that he really understands the consequences of his inactions on his family, who he is supposed to love dearly. I don’t think any number of nice conversations about how tired you are have the same effect.

If you can’t sort that out then anything else is for the birds, and at best a sticking plaster.

Why though why doesn’t he? He can because he is very much your issue here

At 11 months old I’d stop the breastfeeding and tell your DH to step up. It’s fine if he doesn’t have the big paying job and you do but it’s not ok that he then doesn’t pull his weight at home in reflection that you have the more demanding and challenging job.

I breastfed, and a SAHM, and from the start my husband had baby one night a week - I pumped.

Son decided to stop breastfeeding at 10 months. They are eating and can have formula or follow-on milk, so if you did want to stop BF then it should be fine - presumably child is used to bottles as you work FT.

Since you are both working, husband should be sharing the nights with you - one on, one off. This has to be non-negotiable, and on your first night off, go to a Premier Inn or something so you can get a good sleep!

The rest of it (him stepping up) you can do gradually. But sleep is an absolute priority for you now.

Then he is an utter loser. He isn’t contributing at home and his financial contributions are woefully inadequate. How can he just sleep when you do everything??

A lot of great advice here, I think everyone can “hear” your desperation through your post. If I could suggest one more thing, I’d ask your husband to accompany you to the GP. Hearing you spell it out to a professional and seeing how seriously they will take this situation may be what he needs as an urgent wake-up call. Yes, you shouldn’t need to BUT it does appear that he’s not going to come to his senses and support you without some kind of outside intervention. X

This sounds so so hard. I want to echo what @CremeEggsForBreakfastsaid. I had to go back to work when my dd was 9 months old, and DH was working away. Co-sleeping and breastfeeding was the only way I got through it. There was a big developmental leap at 14 months, and it uprooted sleep
for a bit.
I sometimes felt like you, and I wish I had asked for help earlier. I struggled on, and chatted to other mums here and on other forums, and we came through it.
Your DH does sound as though he needs a good shake. If he could work more and is choosing not to, that is not ok. He doesn’t get to be zen and stress free while you feel like this.
I get the no anti- d’s, but they might refer you for talking therapy. I actually found when I eventually spoke to GP, that just speaking to her as a sympathetic older mum helped massively.
you aren’t alone, please ask DH to step up. Take a lot of care.

Your DH is the problem here.

So sorry you feel like this but it will get better - you are worn out.
You should see your doctor, you’re not necessarily depressed but it sounds like time off work would help. Either for physical/emotioal health or both.
You need to sit your partner down and have a conversation about how desperate you feel and what you need from him. Ensure he can take over at night so you can get your sleep deficit down.
Look at ways you can get help - can family or a friend give you a break/come to stay?

Carve out some downtime for you and think of things that will help - meditation, gentle yoga, meeting friend for a walk/coffee/lunch.
You’ll get through this and enjoy your beautiful, healthy baby.

Sleep has a massive impact on mood so it’s hardly surprising you’re feeling rubbish. How would your little one manage with a bottle? Could you book yourself a hotel for the night at the weekend, tell your husband it’s on him otherwise you’re going to break down and go and get yourself an uninterrupted night’s sleep? In the longer term it also may be worth exploring a sleep consultant or weaning earlier, although weaning doesn’t always mean a baby begins sleeping through.
You definitely also need to speak to your gp about how you’ve been feeling. They will be able to discuss medication but also explore other forms of support like talking therapy. If that feels like a big step you could speak to your health visitor and they’ll support you speaking with your gp.

Ps I went back to work at 12 weeks but fortunately my husband did more than enough. Yours needs to step up to the plate and be a dad.

Aw I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. You need to see a gp about how you're feeling.

I'd recommend the baby whisperer for sorting your sons sleep, I done it when mine was 9 months and waking every half an hour for breastfeed through the night and it sorted him sleeping through and isn't a distressing way of sleep training. I'd start on naps this weekend and go from there.

You need to tell your dh how much you're mentally struggling with the lack of sleep and everything at home falling on you. Things will get better, I promise. Do not have more children if you don't want them, honestly don't be pressured in to it if that's not something you want.

Hang in there, you will adapt to it all in time. I have a 5 year old who has never slept a night through in her life (i suspect ND with a whole host of behaviour issues), a 2 year old who thankfully mostly sleeps, and a full time job and a husband who works most of the kids awake hours. Even though it seems impossible when you are up in the middle of the night multiple times, little by little it does get easier or your body adapts to less sleep better. Please seek out help from your doctor, or health visitor. If you can get help in other areas of your life to make the load a little easier... cleaner in once a week, hire a babysitter every so often to get out and do something for yourself. Get your husband to watch the baby a couple nights a week, and as tired as you are go out and do something for yourself... even for a cuppa in a coffee shop. You've got this mamma! Hang in there