Motherhood, I'm exhausted and regretful

[DinosandRegrets678]

I really thought I'd like having a family. I've dreamt about it for a long time. DS is 11 months and he is wonderful, healthy and perfect, and I am so utterly and completely miserable.

I work full time and all the financial pressure is on me. I'm still breastfeeding (hoping to stop in 1-2 months). DH is ok but a bit of a disappointment tbh, he has times when he's amazing but I am very much the default parent. DS still wakes 2-3 times a night and I'm exhausted. We've both been horribly sick and just recovering, I had to take 3 days off sick so I can't even take a day off now to rest. We have no family. I have no friends anymore. I'm fat, in pain (thank you pregnancy), miserable.

I love my DS but god I regret having him. I find myself accelerating in curbs hoping I have a car crash. I'd really love a hospital stay. I don't want to die, well, I do, but I can't do that to DS.

I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel at all. What I need is some time off work probably and a few good naps but DH's job won't pay the mortgage or childcare so that's not happening. I don't have the energy to quit work and sell the house right now.

It's the middle of the night here and I can’t sleep because DS slipped in the bath and I feel horribly guilty. He's OK but it was my fault, I took my hand off him to grab a toy and he threw himself backwards and hit his head. So tomorrow I'll be even more sleep deprived.

I don't know why I'm posting. I'm hoping someone will come and say the first year is shit and hang in there I guess.

You've got a husband problem

You needed him to step up but he hasn't.

He needs to take on more of the childcare of he isn't going to bring in the money.

And you need to switch to formula ASAP so he can do the night feeds.

You need sleep. And you need him to do his fair share.

It will get better as baby gets older.

But right now he needs to step up.

Media, celebs and advertisers have a lot to answer for. Pampers ads for example would have us believe baby lies smiling as fresh as a daisy, model looking Mummy coos on. It’s nothing like that at all for most parents.
Easy for the celebs with hired help too.
In short, what you are describing is perfectly normal. You may or may not also have PND, or could be reactive depression due to circumstances and sleep deprivation. Antidepressants don’t work for all. Worth trying only if you want to but could be with less pressure, more help and more rest you’ll feel a lot better. It does get easier so that black cloud will ease but for now you urgently need a proper break as something has to give. Make it your priority to find a way, or make one to ensure you get it. Nothing wrong too with having an only child. Newborn years not for everyone so another way to look at it is that you never have to do this again. When you’re free friends all have their own families you’ll be further down the road and the one enjoying nice breaks. You got this.

Stop breastfeeding
Sleep train
DH needs to step up

You'll feel better too once you are getting some sleep.

Hey OP, just coming out of this phase with a 1 and 3 year old and I really feel for you as you are carrying so much.
I breast fed both of mine but combi fed, so DH could do some of the night feeds, could your DH try to get DS on the bottle for those? It could be something you handover completely to him, eg he preps the bottle, attempts to get him to drink from etc
That way you can still do feeds in the morning and before bed so he is getting that connection and nutrition and protection from you still.
Bottom line, you need sleep urgently. To recover.
I don't think you need to be considering anti depressants until you have got that.
Possibly getting signed off for a couple of weeks, is that an option?
I think DH supporting you much much more is key here and allowing him to help with feeding is absolutely what he needs to be doing.
Also simple dinners, then bed/bath times. So you can chill after work or just go straight to bed.
Then weekends take it in turns to get up with baby rather than both of you, so you give each other a break.

What I used to dream of doing is booking a sat night in travelodge and leave them to it for one night. You need to be gone out of the house. Baby associates you with boob and wants it whenever they know its there.
I worked full time too, bf and only survived with cosleeping in another bed away from my partner.
You need serious conversation with your partner, not to make him feel guilty as they will become defensive and its unhelpful but at least to share how you feel and that its serious.

This is very familiar - I am family main earner. When DC were babies everything was very hard and I used to fantasise about nights in a hotel.

But my DH - whom I consider to be a bit of a disappointment in many ways did fully step up to the househusband, main carer bit. We shared nights.

I cannot conceive of how you are coping. Anti-ds would probably make you feel better but I think you are just reacting normally to your circumstances - you are knackered and unsupported.

Is there a way you can get DH to step up and work out how you get 8 hrs sleep in. I did bed at 8pm with baby - DH dealt with any wakings before 2am (I expressed so he could do feeds) I did early morning wakings. When DC were about 11 months they just had one midnightish feed which I could do virtually asleep. We coslept. But I am a great believer in doing whatever works so everyone gets sleep - for some it's cosleeping for others it's baby in another room.

I’m lots of women’s childless friend who probably appears to have zero interest in their mum life. The reality is more like … oh Ash won’t want to hear my boring work moans or ongoing quest for a nice linen pant when she’s in her lovely new mum bubble.

If she was struggling like you are, I would want to know so I could try to help.

Not saying that as a brag about me but just that someone might surprise you if they get a chance. You don’t have to say depression if that feels too dramatic (even though it’s true), but do let someone know it’s so much harder than you thought and you’re melting from exhaustion. At the very least they won’t be boasting that their baby sleeps from 11pm to 6am?

He needs to knock his hobby job on the head to earn money and do stuff round the house. Why is he so important that he doesn't need to contribute financially or practically? Why does he get to be prioritised over you and the baby?! As people often say here: you have a husband problem

Honestly working full time at this stage is fine and l have twins. But l wasn't doing everything and my husband was doing most of his fair share

Time to night wean, I would also suggest sleep training. We accidentally did cio because we were so exhausted (autistic ds was up about 10-15 times a night) I was going literally insane. 3 nights of cio it out (at most for 15 minutes) and he slept through.

I genuinely think I would have commited suicide otherwise. Which would have been far more detrimental to his long term health than being left to cry 3 times.

The first year is shit. Really shit. Hang in there.

I breastfed too and the sleep deprivation is awful. I kept thinking he'd cut down his night feeds but they seemed to actually get worse with teething. Eventually at 14 months I had a bit of a breakdown one night. My DH then took over getting up to DS at night, offered water and cuddles only. After a couple of weeks he started sleeping through. DS is nearly 2 and DH still has the baby monitor at night so I don't have to even think about it and sleep. I think as I did every night for 14 months he can do every night after! It's a scientific fact women need more sleep than men anyway.

And get the PGP checked. I had this when pregnant but since have been diagnosed with a large ovarian cyst. Unsure if that could have been causing a lot of the pain when pregnant and after too. A private ultrasound cost me £105 and took 10 mins. I'm waiting for surgery to remove the cyst.

Why are you tolerating this loser not pulli g his weight?
Do not have another child with him.
He is one of life's selfish wasters.
Stop paying for ANYTHING that benefits him.
He is a man-child living off you.
Start saving for yourself.
Cut any subscriptions, foods, doing his laundry.

Get to your doctor and think about medication to help lift you.
Stop the breastfeeding if necessary.
Do nothing in the house except for yourself and the baby.

You need to harden up.
Having a child with a selfish, lazy, loser is the worst.

You need to start treating him like the leech he is.
Be kind to yourself.

OP it's hard, I feel you. I have a 21 month DS and I felt the same as you ( for different reasons ). Now, I don't feel that way most of the time. Yes there are real reasons why you have low mood, no sleep, no help from DH and pain. I would say all these can cause depression and so anti depressants will help. I felt so bad when my ds was young and sertraline really helped. No it won't help the sleepless nights etc but it will help you deal with it better. Also don't neglect any other medical conditions. Get your thyroid checked just incase. This is what caused my very low mood. Knock breastfeeding on the head, you have done really well to get that far. I stopped at 4 months and it was the best thing I did for both of us. You matter aswell as you need to look after your physical and mental health. Yes focus on your child but you also need to be a in a good place to look after them so by looking after yourself you are doing your best for them. Your DH, I have no advice of how to get him to do more. I am not diminishing your situation. It's very hard. I'm just trying to let you know the tools I used to help me get through a really dark time. Sending hugs. Xx

I had twins and when they were small I used to fantasise sbout bringing locked up in prison. 23 hours a day locked away with nothing to do but sleep. A lottery win and a night nanny possibly would of been a better fantasy but sleep deprivation is torture. You struggle to think straight. Definitely time for your DH to take over night weaning.

I have to say I found breastfeeding a good way to settle my son while I was able to relax, we coslept and night wakings were easier as others have pointed out.

Seemed like formula from me was more work for me with all the bottle washing etc. Obv it’s also very helpful for getting partner to do a feed and getting a long stretch of sleep from DC but I don’t think immediately stopping breastfeeding is the panacea some people are suggesting.

I was also very depressed and had thoughts of walking out in front of traffic, and I didn’t believe it when it was suggested to me and thought it’s just my circumstances, it will resolve.. yes, ultimately it did resolve, but in retrospect I really wish I’d spoken to the GP and accepted antidepressants. They will help you be more assertive with your partner, and address the issues one by one.

I am so sorry you are going through this -

• your first conversation is with your lazy arsed prick of a husband who needs to step up today! He has a list of things he now needs to do everyday to ensure he is doing his 50% - this discussion cannot wait, as you cannot carry on pouring from an empty cup
• Can you express so that DH does 50% of the nights?
• He should be up and sorting DS on sat and sun to give you a lie in
• Please see your GP or Health Visitor asap - they need to know how you are feeling - as does your DH.
• Have you considered stopping breastfeeding now? I am thinking about your mental health and the impact of sleep deprivation.

Please can help today and get signed off for a week or 2 to help you recover.

Take care xx

Sending hugs to you. This will soon pass and be a small moment in time. For now:

• DH needs to work more or go for more money so you can drop your hours and he needs to do more at home. You’ll just end up resenting him. Do not allow him to disappoint you.
• stop breastfeeding! He could be sleeping through by now if you give him a big bottle before bed or a bit of supper. Or he certainly could skip the 2am feed and do a longer stretch. The breastfeeding will be a comfort thing - he will not be hungry if he’s getting enough food through the day and a nice big bottle before bed.
• tell you husband you are take ‘x’ amount of hours for yourself on ‘x’ date and he can have his son. You need to prioritise yourself more - happy mum is a happy baby. Do this as often as you need to.

Good luck x

@DinosandRegrets678 I feel for you so much reading this. Your post really could be from any one of us because so many of us have been there. I hope as a first step that sharing how you feel has made you feel less alone in what can be a very lonely job. Yeah we love our kids. Yeah it's also an all-out assault on you mentally, physically and socially.

I agree with others about stopping BFing sooner. You've done amazingly to do it as long as you have and you should be proud of yourself. Sounds however like you've reached a juncture where it means you're responsible for soothing and settling DS and this is no longer sustainable.

Please also talk to a doctor about how you feel. And your DH. With DH, ask for an hour each weekend day where it's just you - no chores - so you can go for a walk, a swim, glass of wine in a pub, or just scroll on your phone in peace. Whatever works. Once this break is a normalised part of family life, ask for more.

Society still doesn't really know what it wants from mothers, or how it wants them to be. Know that many of us are putting on a front, and it's important to talk when it gets hard.

The first year is brutal. Your body and mind are still recovering but you're not getting the rest you need. Better days are ahead of you, but please talk to a Dr and DH, and find a way of sharing the night feeds.

At 11 months, there wouldn't be much bottle washing. Though I formula fed from birth and bottles were popped in the dishwasher once a day, that's it.

If the baby doesn't have bottles, would probably be pointless introducing them at this age anyway so just milk the normal toddler cup that will need washing anyway.

I also suggest to stop breastfeeding, you’ve done amazingly well, the job is done there. I know other posters will say this is bad advice but you need space.

I have a DH who can be half-arsed, without realising it, and instead of countless rows, I work hard to make sure there was an activity on his day off that was for him and our child, and STRONGLY encouraged he went for coffee afterwards. That created 3/4 hours of space for me, that was not in work or with children.

You need to speak to your GP, but I found mine appalling in that mothers of young children are expected to be tired, as opposed to seeing it was way too much. However what you are describing needs help:

Financial pressure is always a real worry, I get it. And the pressure to turn up to work is real. Lower your expectations on everything, occasionally I tell my husband we need to ‘live small’ and regroup. Limited socialising, a few PJ days, a fee healthy takeaways, get groceries delivered. Use the afternoons to sleep and nap and recharge as best you can. We all do it together and it allows us to live pretty active lives the rest of the time

Oh, man, I know exactly how you're feeling and it's shit. It's so hard, and you have done so much already and you're knackered, and it all has to be done again tomorrow.

And to be honest, what's being asked of you right now is crazy hard - in the history of motherhood, it's never been the norm that we work full time AND breastfeed AND do all the sleepless nights AND do it by ourselves in a tiny single household without a community of other people around to lend a hand. It's insanely hard, especially when your friends aren't there yet. They will be in a few years, and you'll be there giving them advice, but unfortunately when you go first in your friend group they're no bloody use to you.

Look, first things first, yes of course it will change. Motherhood isn't just the baby phase, many many things will be easier a year from now, and two years, and five. But that feels a long way off from here. You need some support right now. Dreaming of going to hospital, just so some other bugger has to look after you for once - I've 100% been where you are, but it's not good and it's a red flag that things need to change in the here and now. Not everything at once, but something, to get you a little rest and the strength to change the next thing, and the next.

There are a few things you can do, and it's up to you in what order you feel able to tackle them.

Get signed off work for a few days, you are not well, it's not skiving. Better a few days on sick pay now than months, when you have a breakdown.

Talk to your OH. How much has his life changed since you had your son, and how much has yours? Breastfeeding makes it go that way, to some extent, but don't let it be the pattern forever. Time for some honesty and a big reset.

Think about how long you really want to breastfeed for. There's nothing magic about the 12 month mark, except being 'allowed' to switch from formula to cows milk. A few weeks early won't affect anyone in the long run, honestly. It's got to work for you, too. And if he's a bottle refuser (mine were - solidarity, it's infuriating), you can express and let DH give him breast milk on some weetabix while you stay in bed. Anything for an extra hour of rest.

Think about how you can change your nights (I know, it feels impossible). He settles for you because it's always been you, right? But it doesn't have to stay that way, let DH get up and weather some screaming if necessary. Or let them watch Bluey at four in the morning, if he won't settle - you need sleep too. DS can nap at nursery, you can't nap at work.

Look at work patterns. Could you do a compressed week, work four longer days and one day off to recover yourself? Or use some annual leave to give yourself time for a think?

I know it's hard. You're doing great. Pick one thing when you're ready, and start there. Hope you have a better day today. And congrats on your lovely son.

I’m glad that the general consensus here seems to be stopping breastfeeding or cutting it down - it feels like we are turning away from shaming women for wanting to give up at the expense of their mental health. If you talk to any perinatal mental health expert you’ll find that they are literally the only NHS professionals who are allowed to say “maybe this isn’t the best for your sanity.” I think the way breastfeeding is promoted in the health service is hugely damaging (and also isn’t working.) The fact that it isn’t really that compatible with uninterrupted sleep is therefore left unsaid unless you’re talking to a mental health nurse or therapist in perinatal who will be much more direct about the mental health impact. It feels like we are being gaslit on this!

I would go to your GP and talk about how you feel or another health professional if your GP isn't great. I have felt like this at time though work drove me to it not kids specifically and looking back I should have asked for help sooner.

I'll also post a couple of things that were given to me by my first NCT leader and I still have on my wall, hope you don't find it glib.

You've been breastfeeding for 11m which is so amazing, but I agree with those who say to introduce some formula if you're really unhappy. Even just a night time bottle so your husband can do the middle feed allowing you to have an uninterrupted block of sleep. Alternatively he could give expressed milk if you're not happy to give formula (but I know pumping isnt for everyone). As mentioned previously,baby can have cows milk at 12m too so if they're nearly that age you could start introducing it ( my first son was given this later and was more reluctant to switch than the second who got it at 12m).

Is it possible that your baby is using bf at night more for comfort? Perhaps dad could try to settle the baby without milk/ Would you be happy to try a dummy? Sorry if this is not helpful. I just found a dummy always helped my children to self soothe eventually and at 11m they could put it back in their own mouth (glow in the dark ones were great for this!)

I find myself accelerating in curbs hoping I have a car crash. I'd really love a hospital stay. I don't want to die, well, I do, but I can't do that to DS.

This resonates so much with me. It is exactly how I felt a few months ago. And let me be honest it's not normal. It's normal to have down days or days when you feel like you need a break. But genuinely hoping something bad happens to you so you get a break is extreme - it has taken me a long time to realise that.

I had PPD with my 1st, and severe PPD with my 2nd. I had a very shit child hood, complicated, looked OK on the surface but filled with abuse and neglect. Having children brought a lot of that to the surface.

I know I won the GP lottery but I went to my GP who was amazing. I am taking anti depressants but more importantly I am going to counselling. I am in Ireland there is a free counselling service for adults who were abused as children.

@DinosandRegrets678 please contact your doctor because you deserve not to want to die, not because of your son, but because you deserve to live.

I LOVE my sons so so much. But I will never have another child. My 2nd son is also 11 months and still waking 2/3 times a night to breastfeed. The last time at around 6.30am I asked DH to go in and sooth him, he brought him into our bed meaning I couldn't go back to sleep either and DS of course looked for milk.