Motherhood, I'm exhausted and regretful

[DinosandRegrets678]

I really thought I'd like having a family. I've dreamt about it for a long time. DS is 11 months and he is wonderful, healthy and perfect, and I am so utterly and completely miserable.

I work full time and all the financial pressure is on me. I'm still breastfeeding (hoping to stop in 1-2 months). DH is ok but a bit of a disappointment tbh, he has times when he's amazing but I am very much the default parent. DS still wakes 2-3 times a night and I'm exhausted. We've both been horribly sick and just recovering, I had to take 3 days off sick so I can't even take a day off now to rest. We have no family. I have no friends anymore. I'm fat, in pain (thank you pregnancy), miserable.

I love my DS but god I regret having him. I find myself accelerating in curbs hoping I have a car crash. I'd really love a hospital stay. I don't want to die, well, I do, but I can't do that to DS.

I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel at all. What I need is some time off work probably and a few good naps but DH's job won't pay the mortgage or childcare so that's not happening. I don't have the energy to quit work and sell the house right now.

It's the middle of the night here and I can’t sleep because DS slipped in the bath and I feel horribly guilty. He's OK but it was my fault, I took my hand off him to grab a toy and he threw himself backwards and hit his head. So tomorrow I'll be even more sleep deprived.

I don't know why I'm posting. I'm hoping someone will come and say the first year is shit and hang in there I guess.

Babies are shite OP, honestly that's my opinion based on mine. But thankfully it will all turn around, I can promise you that as I remember feeling exactly the same. Mine is a young adult now and I've had 17 fantastic years with him - after the horrificness of the first couple everything else seemed like a breeze. You definitely want to see him grow up OP so please don't do any more risky driving.

What a wonderful post full of truth.
OP, u r not alone.
People find parenting hard even if they have lots of support.
You are totally exhausted and running on empty.
For starters, you need an honest conversation with your husband about the need to step up re hh duties
Take care OP

You need to take shifts with the nights so you can sleep. Express some milk so husband has bottles for baby overnight. Whoever is sleeping goes in another room with earplugs until you swap ,

You need to talk to your gp op, sounds like you may have pnd. You're having suicidal thoughtS, you really need as first step to seek help on this. You may well feel hugely better, about everything following treatment

You definitely need to go to your GP. I did the same when my 1 year old was waking countless times and I was beyond exhausted, highly anxious and having suicidal thoughts. I remember wishing for a hospital stay so well, you’ve taken me back! I used to think up different scenarios whereby I was ill enough to require a seven day stay but preferably unconscious or on high amounts of painkillers and nothing that was too awkward for when I came out, a broken leg wouldn’t do.

Seriously, reach out for progressional help, maybe get signed off sick for a week and allow yourself to feel how you do, it’s ok. At the point you are trying to crash your car, you just need to voice this and tell someone and you will be taken seriously. You will also feel better - you really will.

Op I am so sorry you are going through this. 💐

Sorry but I don’t think this is a motherhood problem per se; it’s s dh problem.

Most women’s experience of motherhood is massively influenced by how supported they feel by their partner.

It’s simply not on that your dh is putting all of the main responsibility of earning and child-caring on to you and you need to address this with him forcefully and urgently. He cannot have a child and expect his life to stay the same. He needs to step up. His job is to support his wife and child and I would tell him he is failing in both of those jobs.

My dh had a big professional job and still managed to get up virtually every night for six months to do the 4 am feed so that I could sleep. Your dh sounds really selfish.

Why are you tolerating this behaviour? You are allowing a pattern to develop that allows him to step back and you to become the default parent for ever more. Get angry op! Tell him to step up or step out!

Why should your life be turned upside down while he gets to live a life of short working hours and few responsibilities? He’s a father now and needs to act like one!

It will get better, you're in the trenches right now. Your husband absolutely needs to step up. If you're happy to, moving onto formula (& at 1 year children can have full fat milk) means your husband can help with night feeds. You could also look into sleep training and weaning off night feeds if your child is ready and this is something you want to try. My two stopped feeding at night by 8 months though I appreciate other babies are different and for some it helps them go back to sleep (my 2 used a dummy). Sleep deprivation makes everything worse. Once that settles down everything will feel easier. Definitely sitting down with your husband and dividing up tasks fairly is a start. Also giving yourself a couple of hours to yourself at the weekend (& he can have a couple of hours too) might help. The baby stage for me was definitely the hardest. You could also speak to your GP about your mood and see what they suggest as medication or talk therapy may help.

I am so glad to see a post written on this subject! If men were expected to breast feed through the night ahd and then do a full day’s work, there would be far more protective legislation surrounding breastfeeding.

However, I take the view that mothers and babies were designed for breastfeeding, even if I couldn’t do it myself, and I think there should be more support to facilitate it. And more community support for young mothers in general, particularly practical and mh support. And longer maternity leave!

I think you need to show your husband this thread. He needs to know how you’re feeling and that you need help. He’s being incredibly selfish. You and your baby need more support in every way. At this point, I think you’d be better off separated. At least then you’d get a break. Honestly having a baby is two people’s responsibility and it seems like he is just not doing his share to be there for either of you.

Your h is lazy. Unhelpful. No wonder you're so knackered and low.

I'd kick him into touch.

If you split, he'd have ds for some of the time and you could rest.

Always tempting......

Your DH needs to pull his weight much more, how can you be expected to work f/t and do all the night feeds etc?

When I had my DCs (over 20 years ago), I barely saw any books, forums etc which said how hard motherhood would be in the first year and it bloody was, and I was a SAHM to boot. DD wasn't an easy baby and I struggled a lot with the change to motherhood. And that was with DH helping with night wakings (I breasfed but he would settle DD back sometimes or get up early), he'd do the bath while I made dinner then I'd just come up to feed her etc.

If you feel you have PND then definitely go to the GP though.

Morning, OP. It looks like you've had lots of practical advice here, and we hope you can get to your GP as soon as possible. In the meantime, we thought we'd just add a link to our Mental Health Webguide, which has lots of phone numbers and websites that will offer emergency support if needed.

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/mental-health-webguide

I agree with some PPs that what you have is a DH problem. Why is it ok for him to have a vocational, low income job he loves and decline any kind of progression because he doesn’t want the additional stress, whilst you work FT, pick up most of the load at home and are on your knees with sleep deprivation? Yes, motherhood in general definitely does (IMO) get easier as they get older, but resentment towards your DH will (and should!) only get worse if he continues to be less than useless in sharing the load, both practically and financially.

Stop breastfeeding and you can potentially stop being the constant default breastfeeding. I cannot understand why women post about feeling utterly exhausted and their DHs not doing enough but at the same time say they are continuing breastfeeding. Just stop, your baby has already reaped the health benefits.

No one ever wants to admit it but breastfeeding means the mother is absolutely and completely the default parent and that doesn’t suit everyone.

Sorry to have to agree on the breast feeding stopping - the hormones will also not be helping your pelvic girdle pain and it could take a year for that to settle as hormones take awhile to balance. I also suggest Pilates as that helped me with my pelvic girdle pain.
stopping breast feeding will likely also help with the night waking.
Book a gp appointment and take your husband with you as he needs to hear from a professional that you need more support and the doctor will hopefully be able to help with the depression too while the sleep issues resolve. Good luck it will get better if you ask for help x

Thanks all. I posted at a very low point and I feel somewhat better now although I will feel the same later tonight, no doubt.

I hear you on the breastfeeding, my plan is to taper off in the next 2 months gradually. I don't want to stop suddenly as it won't help and frankly, going on bottles will create more work for me right now.

Relationship with DH is shaky. We've had so many chats and arguments that we're now just sort of co-parenting. He does do a lot now so there has been improvement but he resents me for it. There is no affection from him anymore which is depressing too.

He was very supportive in the first 2-3 months, he was amazing, but then got bored and ever since it's been a constant cycle of not doing enough, having a fight, doing loads, then slowly doing less etc. He also regularly tells me about the shit dads he knows and pats himself on the back that he's not that bad. So the bar is pretty low.

I feel for you so much. This was me at 4-6 months PP severely sleep deprived, suicidally depressed, a bored DP finding anything to do other then parent and us both screaming at each other ever day. I just wasn't working on top.

First step I went to a phycartrist you say no AD will help with sleep deprivation but actually they did improve the quality of my sleep, ability to go back to sleep after being woken and then sleep in. After just 3 days I began to feel better like my brain was no longer totally fried. Then came the hard work of us both digging ourselves out of the hole we had ended up in. A lot of communication, and finding breaks for ourselves and eachother. No where near perfect now but I'd say we're back to be solid. ChatGPT really helped as a sounding board to navigate each situation as it came up.

Now you don't have the luxury of the time I had for this being back at work but you can say to DP "This weekend I am taking antidepressants and sleeping. This is to put my brain back together so I can provide and care for our family, if I don't then I won't be able to and it will then ALL be on you. You can bring the baby to breastfeed and take it back but that's it, the rest you'll just have to figure out"

My partner was a shit dad when our child was born. Just because there are shit dads out there does not absolve your partner from being a shit dad & a shit partner.

The thing is he earns very well. Which means I didn’t have to work. I got to spend time with my baby all day and night. I slept when my baby slept. You don’t have that luxury. You’re expected to do everything and it’s killing you.

The reason why bottles are easier is because you can get your useless partner to give your baby a bottle while you have a long shower.

Your baby is going to be on solid foods soon and will start cutting teeth. You have a very narrow window to get your child on formula because once their teeth start coming in they wake up at night in pain and will likely want to cluster feed (with teeth).

So the reason why I’m suggesting bottles now is so you can get some sleep now. Bottles aren’t extra work. I just washed my baby’s in a separate bucket and then sterilised in a Milton solution and later I steamed them in a microwave steamer (which was actually easier).

I can’t even imagine the exhaustion you’re going through right now. You need to be able to rest or you will become chronically sleep deprived.

This.

Breastfeeding is the LAST thing that should be changed.

That’s not the problem - the DH is the problem.

OP, unpopular I know, but I co-slept when breastfeeding and I was NEVER tired. Baby slept next to me, woke for feed, both straight back to sleep.

The ones telling you breastfeeding is the problem are the ones who’ve never done it.

Find a proper osteophysio who specialises in womens health / maternity

It does get easier.
2 years is a big milestone is 2yr and a 3 yrs its a breeze for the most part.

FFS, you can breastfeed a baby with teeth you know. Mine had teeth from three months and I breastfed until she was three. Guess what? I still have my nipples 😂

I’m one of the posters who recommended that the OP consider giving up breastfeeding, and I breastfed exclusively for 12 months. For me, it absolutely was a massive problem in terms of my child’s sleep and things improved considerably both in terms of my exhaustion levels and my mental wellbeing very quickly once I stopped.

I appreciate that this isn’t something that will work for everybody but, clearly, there are a number of posters on here who shared my experience of giving up.

That's awfully presumptuous of you, isn't it.

I BF'd two kids for about a year each. I know the benefits of doing it. And I know the benefits of stopping, when it's time to stop. OP might be at that point, it's her call.

The marginal benefits to the baby of extended BF do not outweigh the costs to a woman of being utterly broken by trying to do a day shift and a night shift, every day.

I’m glad that you are feeling a bit more positive op but use this thread as a catalyst to make some changes before you fall in to a well of exhaustion again.

I am so sorry that your dh is so immature. Funnily enough, I have a friend with breast cancer who said to me today that her dh was great for the first two to three months of treatment but has now got bored and tetchy and is leaving her to cope on her own. It’s really crap. He’s retired too so no excuses. I have no idea why some men behave this way?

I think you need to keep emphasising to your dh that having a child is a permanent lifestyle change! Things will never be the same again and he needs to get to grips with reality and stop being so selfish! He feels resentment for the work involved in looking after a baby? How pathetic! That’s an attitude problem that you can’t change. Ask him to choose op! He’s either up for family life or he isn’t. If he can’t cut it, he should leave,

As for the shit dads he knows, two wrongs don’t make a right! It’s your opinion of him that matters most!

Wrt breastfeeding op, I’m no expert but shouldn’t your baby be starting to get a fair few of his nutrients from food by now? Is he eating enough? It’s deeply unhelpful to say this but once we discovered that my DDs were waking up hungry at ten months because of a growth spurt, we gave them more food later in the evening and they immediately started to sleep through the night. So that’s maybe a suggestion to consider?

I breastfed two babies for a year each. Dropping the night feeds at 11-12 months worked for us and they were sleeping through in no time. Fascinating how different people and babies have different experiences eh? If OP wants to continue to breastfeed then obviously she should be supported to do so.

I previously coslept and breastfed overnight on demand. I was absolutely shattered 11 months in and stopping was a gamechanger.

The DH is definitely also the problem however.