Motherhood, I'm exhausted and regretful

[DinosandRegrets678]

I really thought I'd like having a family. I've dreamt about it for a long time. DS is 11 months and he is wonderful, healthy and perfect, and I am so utterly and completely miserable.

I work full time and all the financial pressure is on me. I'm still breastfeeding (hoping to stop in 1-2 months). DH is ok but a bit of a disappointment tbh, he has times when he's amazing but I am very much the default parent. DS still wakes 2-3 times a night and I'm exhausted. We've both been horribly sick and just recovering, I had to take 3 days off sick so I can't even take a day off now to rest. We have no family. I have no friends anymore. I'm fat, in pain (thank you pregnancy), miserable.

I love my DS but god I regret having him. I find myself accelerating in curbs hoping I have a car crash. I'd really love a hospital stay. I don't want to die, well, I do, but I can't do that to DS.

I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel at all. What I need is some time off work probably and a few good naps but DH's job won't pay the mortgage or childcare so that's not happening. I don't have the energy to quit work and sell the house right now.

It's the middle of the night here and I can’t sleep because DS slipped in the bath and I feel horribly guilty. He's OK but it was my fault, I took my hand off him to grab a toy and he threw himself backwards and hit his head. So tomorrow I'll be even more sleep deprived.

I don't know why I'm posting. I'm hoping someone will come and say the first year is shit and hang in there I guess.

Some changes need to be made here OP.

1. Can you consider a reduction in your hours?
2. Do you need to be signed off sick temporarily by your GP?
3. Can you compromise with your DH if they are not pulling their weight and supporting you and DS?
4. Longer term, can you move closer or have family closer to you?
5. Would you consider referring yourself to the perinatal mental health team?

A few things:

• Have you considered sleep training for your child - I did it for both of mine young (4-5 months) and it’s what kept me sane (I had two very close together on purpose as a solo mum). If not, at least taking turns on wake ups with your DH and wearing really good earplugs when it’s not your turn.
• Even if you are breastfeeding at this age they should be eating and drinking enough other stuff that you can leave them for most the day with someone else (ie their dad) so start forcing him to take them for a a good chunk of time so you can have some time to yourself even if it’s just going to a cafe to read a book. Don’t feel guilty about not spending the time with your son - you absolutely have to look after yourself first.
• You already know this but your DH is a problem because he expects you to subsidise your joint life together and for him not to have to contribute in other ways - it seems super common unfortunately but it sucks. So make absolutely sure your not getting pregnant again with him until things are much much better (I love having two kids but I can afford to look after them and create time for myself after a successful career - and having two kids is way harder than having one).
• Not sure this is helpful but I find my 2 year old much harder but also more interesting than when he was 11 months. Some of the toddler stuff is really tricky though - for example, he is changing nursery rooms and that has led to some hour long meltdowns as an emotional release when I’m also looking after his baby sister. That is a completely different type of hard from a small baby you can easily fix problems for. My sanity comes from the fact that at 7pm each night they are both in bed so I would find a way to make that happen before he’s old enough that tantrums start (not all toddlers have such big ones - he seems at the high end but is otherwise wonderful).

Please show your dh your post. If he does not step up based on that, he is shit husband and father. You need sleep as an absolute urgent immediate priority and he needs to help you get that. If it means giving up breastfeeding so he can help more with night wakings, then do this as soon as possible

Once you have more sleep, you can assess if you are also majorly depressed.

I know others say that sleep deprivation is terrible but didn't lead to wanting to die. It does for me though, especially if I can see no hope for things improving in the near future. My reaction to lack of sleep is pretty extreme but once DS started regularly sleeping for 5+ hours at a time ( at 18 months old), my suicidal thoughts vanished. Funny that.

Recently my sleep has deteriorated for various reasons and a desire to die has come back on the particularly bad days. I know however that on the days I do manage to sleep enough, I suddenly can do the things I need to without feeling like I'd rather die than have to do them due to the exhaustion. The difference now is I know I can try to catch up with sleep on days off and weekends which helps. When I had a baby that option was much less available to me making the desire to die rather than go on more consistent.

Your husband needs to help and you may also need support with the depression but the immediate need is for a couple of nights of unbroken sleep so you can assess how you are feeling then.

Op please drop the BF, I felt so similar to you with my first child.
the sleep deprivation almost killed me. I also had a colic, then reflux child, and I have a 6 year age gap because I thought never again.

What I did this time around, was went straight to bottle feeding. My god was it different. Dh and I slept in the spare room on shifts. I had a good chunk of sleep before it was my turn. I could go out and do things without needing to deal with the utter hell of pumping.
all I needed to do was stick a bottle in the sterilizer and be done with it.
Mentally not having the worry about being the only one to feed my baby helped me so much.

second thing we did was sleep train at 10 months. She cried for 3
nights, and the 4th went down without a peep. Do you know what a liberating feeling it is, to not be tied down to bedtime, a child who wakes up but able to put themselves to sleep again, and a more independent child?

please don’t feel like you need to do anything that makes you feel worse. Some people manage fine on little sleep and think a coffee will help and they have 10 children, but those who are severely impacted by less sleep will understand.

He was very supportive in the first 2-3 months, he was amazing, but then got bored and ever since it's been a constant cycle of not doing enough, having a fight, doing loads, then slowly doing less etc. He also regularly tells me about the shit dads he knows and pats himself on the back that he's not that bad. So the bar is pretty low.

The positive aspect of your situation is that he sounds very dispensable.

When you reach breaking point, you should be able to get rid of him without too much inconvenience. You earn more than him and you do more than him.

I'm sorry, but what I've learned over time is that these men don't improve, it's just a question of how much you're willing to put up with for how long.

Agreed. I just didn’t see the wood from the trees when I was breastfeeding. I gave up at 7 months (which I saw as no failure btw) and everything was so much easier - sleep, my attachment was more ‘normal’ , my DH took more responsibility.

Those who refuse to ever consider what bf can do to a sleep deprived mother need to take a look at themselves. Its crazy how we minimise women’s wellbeing to this extent just because bf is lionised

Sorry you feel stuck in the trenches OP. It definitely gets better.
You know you have a DH issue so I won't labour that point.
You've had lots of good suggestions on the thread, some may work whilst others not, just depends on your own circumstances.
If you don't feel it's right to stop breastfeeding I'd echo previous posters suggesting night weaning. There's really no need to introduce formula at all. Baby can have a late Bfeed and a morning Bfeed and be offered water and cuddles in between when they inevitably wake up.
For us it worked, DH worked shifts and my youngest was not impressed with the lack of boob at night if it was me trying to settle him not DH, but in less than 2 weeks baby got the message and we dropped night feeds. I continued to BF until baby was 22 months, dropping night feeds just meant my supply adjusted.
My LO still woke frequently but could be settled by either of us and took no time at all to go back to sleep, just a quick cuddle or gentle pat. It made such a difference to how I was coping once I got more sleep.
Some kids just don't sleep well - youngest still wakes through the night and he's nearly 6, but it no longer leaves me feeling like the walking dead the next day.

You will get past this point and start to enjoy your little one. This first bit is really tough and relentless, I promise it will get better but do seek support from health professionals to help you manage where you are at right now. All the best OP - you are doing an amazing job even though it doesn't feel like it.

I think its probably started with the sleep deprivation but developed into PND now. Even how you're torturing yourself because your baby got hurt.... that is going to happen a lot and whilst we all feel guilty, it's not normal to sit up unable to sleep because of it, so there's definitely an element of PPA/PPD at play.

I would get on to the doctor asap because you will still fall into a priority category. Medication and some counselling may really help and certainly wouldnt hurt.

Also could you look at sleep training (theres plenty of gentle methods) and giving formula before bed or for night wakenings then at least dad can help and baby maybe stays fuller for longer, so wakes less or even pump. Also try and increase the food and calories he gets during the day. Would you get time off paid if you put in a sick line?

Your husband also needs to wise up. He cant just choose to make less money cause he likes his job and leave everything else up to you. Everyone would love to have a fun, stress free job but that's not adult life.

Indeed. Mine got her first tooth at 10 weeks and they kept coming really quickly. Still feeding at 2 with all her teeth.

I co slept too. I was a savior from sleep deprivation.

The big problem here though is the husband. I agree with the other poster who said he is dispensable. He needs to show you why he is worth being with or fuck off.

If I were you I’d downsize and even go on benefits. You need a rest.

Words fail me. This is terrible advice. Quitting work and going on benefits is going to be beneficial to the OP in the long term you think?!

Am reading the unmumsy mum by Sarah turner, I feel like every mum should read it, is kind of like a funny diary (but not a diary) of the author and all the preconceived notions she had, her regrets and loves and even between. My kids are older (youngest ten) but I remember it all. Might give you a break to read it too. It gets easier but hugs, hope it gets easier soon xxxxx

If I were you I’d downsize and even go on benefits. You need a rest.

Words fail me. This is terrible advice. Quitting work and going on benefits is going to be beneficial to the OP in the long term you think?!

Lone parent and worked full time when DD was 4 months.
co-sleeping is your friend here if you want to keep breastfeeding and keep your sanity. I actually coslept until DD was 4, sleep was the premium and I was going round the bend in the early months until I left the useless partner and started doing things the way I needed.

Tell him he will be doing a lot more parenting if you divorce, he needs to do more now.

I'm going against the grain and will receive hate but in my opinion, could you stop breastfeeding and change to formula?

I wanted to breastfeed, never got the milk so had to give him formula. My baby slept through the night from 3 months old, I've read that this usually happens due to formula. I know you want breastmilk because its the best for your baby but if it's affecting your mental health you could stop and at least get good sleep.

Also, is be dividing all house chores and parenting with your DH, even if he does the things clumsily let him do them so you can get breaks. DH and zip divide everything, house chores, taking baby to appointments, shopping, etc.Go out, meet friends at least once a week. Do small changes that make your life easier, such as a robot vacuum cleaner, online shopping instead of going to shops, etc.

Additionally, you should see a doctor since you may have some sort of PND.

I absolutely agree. I'm often astounded when I read posts like this or find out women are still breastfeeding babies of nearly one year through the night.

Honestly that used to stop at about six months or less. Dummies used to be more common and when my friend had a baby young about twenty five years ago at about six months she d stick the dummy back in mouth rather than feeding the baby.

There is no need for this co sleeping and breastfeed to sleep with a nearly one year old. I don't know how it was ever allowed to start.

Please, please call your GP or your HV. Please talk to your DH or friends or mum.

It is hard, and tiring and so so much pressure. But youre so tired youre struggling and having suicidal ideation and you need to address that while youre well enough

No judgement. But please ask someone for help. Now. Someone in real life who can help. I dont think this will fix itself

I agree with this bottle fed kids sleep through the night. All my friends that breastfed have terrible sleepers. They still moan about it now and they are at school and still not sleeping. Mine were bottle fed and sleep like a dream now and when they were babies. I have to wake them up most days, they aren't up as soon as the sun is. Before I get the breast feeding police on my back. I tried to breastfeed both of my kids but the first was in special care so my milk never came in and my second wasn't gaining enough weight and the midwives actually said you probably need to introduce the bottle. It's obviously a genetic thing as my mum couldn't breastfeed any of us either.
OP if you read this one, make your life easier and maybe just give one formula bottle at night. Your DH could even do the last feed. I think it really helps dads bond with their babies too. My DP is a fantastic dad to my DC but to be honest he wasn't always the best when they were babies. Some men aren't interested until baby starts doing more, is more like a little person than a totally dependent baby.
You definitely have PND. I suffered with it but wasn't diagnosed until DC was over one. Antidepressants will help. Even if you do a few months they just allow your brain to heal and you stop being in hyper vigilant mode all the time. Get some counselling as well. I hope your DH starts to step up for you once you've had a chat.

How utterly pathetic of him.

All I know is my sister constantly talked about how exhausting it was to breastfeed and how much her sleep was disrupted.

I gave mine a bottle and he would sleep for long stretches and he was more settled.

I just want to pop in with my anecdotal experience.

DC1 - slept through the night from 6 months, formula fed.
DC2 - slept through the night from 10 months, breastfed.

Not a huge difference. Also I breastfed the first for the first 3 months and they were always a better sleeper than the second, even then. Both of them also had a few night feeds a week of formula even when being breastfed and it made absolutely no difference to their sleep.

DC3 is 9 months and breastfed and the worst sleeper of the three so far. Likewise he has some formula in the night and if anything it has the opposite effect, because it takes him soo much longer to fall asleep afterwards.

Absolutely nothing wrong with stopping breastfeeding and I'm planning to night wean around the 13 or 14 month mark with this baby if I'm still breastfeeding then. But I'm under no illusions that it will necessarily improve sleep as it very well may not. And then also lost a quick tool to settle them with.

My elder two had dummies and this one won't, personally I think it's that which is the big difference in their sleep, not the feeding method. Anecdotally everyone I know with good sleepers used dummies and everyone I know with poor sleepers didn't have them.

3 years old? Why not wait until they were 8?

m.youtube.com/watch?v=FmD2Y6WxpIw&pp=ygUUTGl0dGxlIGJyaXRhaW4gYml0dHk%3D

OP, two things you need:

1. doctors appointment to get signed off work for a short period to recover.
2. Sleep consultant

The most important factor here is sleep. Getting that will vastly improve the situation- you can still bf and train them to sleep through. Better a crying baby for 3 or 4 nights than a depressed mum at breaking point