Is it ok to drop out of hen do last minute?

[BeDearLion]

I’m supposed to be going on a close friends hen do abroad this weekend but really don’t want to go. I have a baby and toddler and feeling so anxious about leaving them. Feel like something bad will happen if I go and want to stay with them but also don’t want to let my friend down. Wish I hadn’t committed to this.

I have left my kids overnight before, I usually feel like this before but just force myself to go however this time I don’t know if I can do it. Feel sick and could cry when I think about it.

Would I be a terrible friend/ person for dropping out so late or is it reasonable given I’m feeling like this? Could I pretend to be ill or is that even worse?

On reflection this morning I thought I should have explained further my opinion.
i recently (last 2 years) started suffering from anxiety following a horrific bereavement and I have closed down my world a lot because of that. I prefer to be at home in my safe space.
however,
I’m airline cabin crew (mostly long haul) and have been for decades. I spiral before going to work, but when I’m there - I am ok.
i hated going back to work more than most when my children were babies but I had to work. So I had to go. It was always much easier than my anxiety led me to believe.

I am in therapy now as I worry I’m too keen on staying in my own 4 walls. And that’s not healthy for me, my work, my relationships or friendships.
I urge you to go OP and (if you can afford it) fly home if need be early. But hopefully you will relax into it.
fwiw I would hope the bride would be understanding regardless, but I wouldn’t lie. Anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of, but I do feel strongly that you should do your best to go.

If you lie now, you will always need to keep the lie up. And it will come up if you are close friends rather than acquaintances. You lie now to say you have a tummy bug or that your child is ill. Ok, she believes it. Once she’s back, she’ll ask you if you/child is better, you have to lie to her face again. And two years down the line, it’ll come up as aww wasn’t it a shame you/child was ill when it was my hen do, will you feel ok to lie to her face again?

I also think it’s inviting bad karma into your life by pretending your children are ill.

By cancelling now would be a short term relief but you would come to regret it in years to come.

🤷‍♀️ yep I’ve got empathy. Too much sometimes I’d say. However I know myself before and after children. Something changes. I can’t describe or define it. So I won’t try.

How wild you prove it?

How long ago was this planned? Before your baby was born? I would suggest "losing" your passport as another as suggested.

I felt the same when my DC were little. Couldn't bear to leave them overnight. I don't think I would have said yes knowing that it was abroad, at any point.

I meant that if it transpired that someone had lied I'd cut contact with them. If I felt suspicious that someone had lied and I couldn't shake that feeling I'd very probably distance myself from them. In any situation like this last minute claims of illness are hard to believe and I'd struggle to get past that.
I'm not qualified to pass opinions on whether the OP should go or not, though it seems she's decided to do so. If someone finds themself unable to attend an event due to anxiety it's my belief that they should be honest about it.

I think it’s far too late to drop out now.

I certainly wouldn't believe anyone who claimed to have lost their passport. Blatent lying.

I went on a work trip when mine were 9/10 months and 3. Absolutely lovely to get away, get my boobs back and not have to sort anyone's breakfast! I've been on many more trips since and as much as I love my family I love a break from them.

Putting your own wants / feelings before everyone else's all the time (even when the other people are your close friends or family, even when people are relying on you) is literally the definition of selfishness.

Unless your argument is that it doesn't matter if a person is selfish, I suppose.

Different if you are putting your own needs and feelings before those of some randomer, who you don't owe anything to. Or if it's something where your wants actually are more important, like if you're giving birth or are grieving. Not, for example, at someone else's hen party.

I never said all the time. I said in this situation. And yes, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being selfish from time to time.

People pleasing isn’t good for the anyone.

I would argue that someone else's hen party, is a poor time to put yourself first.

It's also not "people pleasing" to keep a commitment to a friend.

I do think as well, WOW. I did comment on the leaving aspect earlier.

I cannot imagine a scenario where I would have twenty plus people spending that much money on me.

never mind have the reaction if being cross at someone paying but pulling out for anxiety. Genuinely, I would be paying them back.

this is why Mumsnet is so important and diverse. This is like a complete different universe to me.

I’ve had friends do like a cottage away type thing. For bridal party. Same for an abroad hen on one occasion.

the one I pulled out of was a trip to York.

most are an activity then pub.

I know this isn’t the point. But I cannot, from a personal perspective understand being cross at someone for any reason paying for something and not going. When twenty others are.

It is if you are doing that at the detriment of your own health.

So is it normal to cry just thinking about leaving your children? Please re read the op. She is clearly not happy about this so why force herself? These feelings are not as ‘normal’ as you say.

I wouldn’t have wanted to go abroad when DS was 7 months. I think that is quite normal for many parents. I was breastfeeding still then, so it would have been tricky too. All because other mums can do it doesn’t mean you should.

There is a big difference between a 10yo and 7 month old.

I would hope your friend would understand

YABU. It’s one weekend.
Please don’t lie though. Your friend will see straight through any fabrications about illness or lost passports, especially if they already know about your anxiety.

I did. The OP "could cry" thinking about it.

When mine were little I would cry/feel sick over a baby being ill on a TV programme. Or an awful news story involving children. Or different fleeting thoughts that a dog could run over to our park picnic and maul my children, or that the bump they sustained at soft play could lead to a brain injury, or a number of things that might happen.

They're very normal feelings.

@1offnamechange

Here we go, another "people without children are incapable of basic empathy and understanding" one. 🙄

I don't think this is what is being said at all. Nobody is suggesting that on the labour ward you are inbued with a sense of basic empathy and understanding if it was lacking before. But like a lot of situations, you can imagine it but you can't fully get it unless you've experienced it. A bit like jumping out of a plane. I can imagine it, I can think about the different aspects of it, and what it would feel like, but I can't truly tell you what it's like because I haven't jumped out of a plane and I'd leave it to those that had to know what it felt like.

Exactly. I get a bit sick of people who bang on about mental health and putting yourself first - what about the mental health of the person you’re cancelling on and letting down - or does that not matter?

Not the point of this post but it’s a thing that hen / stag do’s now seem to take place over days, abroad. Weddings too but at least if guests want a nice holiday they can tag the wedding on.

I’d say that’s the selfish bit, expecting people to pay and take leave etc, just for you. Whatever happened to a night out / wkend in the uk. They’d be more affordable and manageable for all.

@Absentmindedsmile I agree the abroad hen do is the selfish thing. Expecting 20 people to fork out on a holiday for you

I’m not sure I agree that it’s selfish - after all, nobody is obliged to accept the invite.

Well you just say no if you don’t want to go? Job done!

That’s not the point of this thread. Selfish is backing out at the last minute.