Is it ok to drop out of hen do last minute?

[BeDearLion]

I’m supposed to be going on a close friends hen do abroad this weekend but really don’t want to go. I have a baby and toddler and feeling so anxious about leaving them. Feel like something bad will happen if I go and want to stay with them but also don’t want to let my friend down. Wish I hadn’t committed to this.

I have left my kids overnight before, I usually feel like this before but just force myself to go however this time I don’t know if I can do it. Feel sick and could cry when I think about it.

Would I be a terrible friend/ person for dropping out so late or is it reasonable given I’m feeling like this? Could I pretend to be ill or is that even worse?

I was in a similar situation in June. I lost my Mum suddenly and unexpectedly this Easter. The funeral was two weeks before the hen do abroad. I was a mess and the thought of going abroad and being in party mode was just fuelling my anxiety. Not only that, but I was flying from a different airport to the rest of the group. So I cancelled it. The bride was very understanding. However, a week later, I suddenly started to regret my decision. A few nights away with a group of friends enjoying cocktails, nice food, warm weather, suddenly felt appealing rather than the opposite.
So I managed to rebook it at the last minute but didn't tell the bride and I surprised her in the hotel.
I'm SO glad I went! I had an amazing time! It was just what I needed and I'm so proud of myself that I overcame my anxiety.

Yes, totally valid point.

To be honest though I think we (generally, as a society of women) need to take a good hard look at hen dos and stop organising events that are too expensive, too demanding and too far away.
Let’s face it, almost NOBODY wants to spend their precious and increasingly scarce time and money on a foreign hen do. I have never ever heard anyone speak of a foreign hen-do with true excitement and anticipation. I see cautious optimism at best, and most usually a sort of resigned and philosophical stoicism.

Hen dos would be in my Room 101 quick as winking. So I don’t believe the OP is unreasonable as such, she’s in a difficult situation that many recognise.

I consider myself a true friend. People consider me a true friend.

I would not understand nor respect the decision. I'd be upset and angry. I would consider OP flaky and cut them out after this. OP has known since booking that she'd be a mum to young children at this point. To let me down so close to the occasion would show me that she was a fair weather, self centred friend and not someone I wanted in my life.

@Crazyladee however, I'd completely understand you pulling out, (and the surprise of you rebooking would have been a joy, as I'd have known you were doing it because you knew it was best for you to come). The death of a parent is unexpected and cannot be planned for. Sorry for your loss.

I understand as my DC are older and I don’t like going away from them for a whole weekend. However go. Don’t let your close friend down. You will feel awful staying home due to guilt at this stage anyway.

You owe your friend. You said you’d go. So go.

Your DH can look after the children. They will be absolutely fine.

Dropping out now is a shitty thing to do.

If it was my hen do I would absolutely hate to think that one of my friends was feeling this way and forced themselves to go for my sake. I would never blame a friend who dropped out of an event due to anxiety, anymore than I would blame them for being too physically unwell to attend and event.

Just tell your friend the truth, if they are a good friend they will understand. I do agree that you should still pay your way though.

I had crippling post natal anxiety and if I could have cancelled our first family holiday when he was 5 months, I would have. That however wasn't an option but I did have a good time. Anxiety is so horrible and I would be checking up on my husband or MIL when I went out and they were looking after him but I came to realise that I was getting a break and it was good for me. Could this trip be a break that you need maybe? It's so good to get away and be able to let your hair down from parenting.

I don't think it is anxiety though @neverbeenskiing

It's normal parental worry.

We all worry something might happen to our children when we're not with them. But it's not anxiety. Parental worry is a healthy emotion that it's right to feel.

The word anxiety is bandied around far too much these days and does a disservice to those who actually do suffer with anxiety.

Sorry I didn't mean to make my reply all about me! I replied while half asleep and not thinking clearly! I wanted to also add something about your situation as I recognise that whilst my situation is similar..there are differences.
Why don't you write a list of pros and cons? I also find that thinking things through and genuinely asking yourself what's the worst thing that can happen in either situation I'd helpful.
The fact you have a very supportive DH to take care of your baby while you are away should play a huge factor in your decision, but is he very understanding of your anxiety as well? I facetimed my DH a couple of times and he provided a lot of support and encouragement which obviously helped me.

Are you taking medication for your anxiety? I was armed with a good supply of diazepam to take if absolutely needed to take the edge of any huge bouts of anxiety. Luckily I only took one at the airport going out. I was alone (as I said in my OP, I had to travel from a different airport to the rest of the group) and the airport was very crowded. I also had to spend the first night and following day alone in the Hotel until the rest of the group turned up. So I was feeling very anxious about that as well. However the anxious feelings were all running up to the actual event. Once I got there I was absolutely fine and enjoyed the free time. Just goes to show how much damage overthinking things can do to our mindsets.

The big factor for me and push was continually praising myself in my head at how well I'm doing and thinking how proud my Mum would be of me. I know your situation is different but you could see it as a big pat on the back for overcoming the anxiety yourself regardless?

Thank you. 😊 She was in tears when she saw me as she knew how much of a big deal it was for me to be there.

I completely understand not wanting to go abroad and leave your kids-there is nothing wrong with that. However, I wouldn't agree to go on a holiday like that if that's how I felt,

Agreeing to go and then pulling out just before is really crappy though. What if everyone did that?

At least there are people who, unlike you,, aren't recommending lying.

This.

Wow. You would cut someone out of your life for not having a crystal ball which informed them when booking an event that they would be suffering with poor mental health. But you are a true friend. I’d hate to be your enemy!

Hi everyone,

To answer a few questions, it’s for 3 nights, there’s 20+ people going. Me not going wouldn’t offend my partner as he knows I’m like this every time I leave the kids for longer than a night no matter who it’s with. I think my friend would be annoyed if I didn’t go she’s not a parent so she wouldn’t understand. She was annoyed at someone else for saying they weren’t going at the start and they have a baby younger than mine. A few people have said why did I agree when I knew I would feel like this - I never used to feel this extreme emotion with my first ( had a little bit but just ignored it) it’s just since having my second that I feel like this and hen do was planned before this.

I think I will just have to go, as many people have said not going means I’m giving in to anxiety which isn’t a path I want to start going down.

This is such normal parental worry - I remember the first time I left my DD I was a mess! If you pull out of things every-time you feel anxious about leaving your kids you will never go out until they are 18 and by that time you will resent them for never having time to yourself! I totally get where you are coming from but if you are leaving them with someone they, and you, love and trust they will be absolutely fine. Have some girl time, relax, call home as much as want and enjoy still having you time. Once you do it you will realise you can do it!! Maybe this trip is exactly what you need. I wouldn’t cancel but not for anyone else, for you xx

Just read your update and definitely agree with your last line. I have almost cancelled things like this last minute due to anxiety but then DH has talked me out of it, told me to go and enjoy myself and I always have 🙂

Go, everyone will be absolutely fine. And like you say, if you give in to it this time, it will only make the next time even harder.

It’s normal to feel a certain way about going, it’s not normal or healthy to give in to that feeling and not do anything or go anywhere.

Your children have two parents, you trust your partner and you need to show him that you don’t think he’s incompetent or useless.

Go on the hen do and remember you’re not just a mum you’re an individual person who deserves to still have a life.

Perfectly normal to feel like this. Say the truth of how you feel. Anyone with an ounce of compassion will understand. Stay home with your young kids. You can meet your friend locally after the overseas hen do. Adding in I bet if you did have three nights away you’d want to sleep and rest not be out with a hen party.

I honestly think you should go for your mental health. You clearly need some time for you.

The difference being that this isn't poor mental health. It's a normal parental worry.

I'm glad you're going OP, my cousin still won't leave her 10 and 13 yo and honestly it has done her kids (and marriage) no favours

Do go OP, it's normal to have a wobble when your kids are little but your DH sounds very capable and I'm sure you'll have a lovely time. Turning this down due to anxiety will escalate it.

There is no way I would have left my baby at 7 months, others can do if they see fit. I simply did not want to. The only bit where I think you have been unreasonable is when you accepted the invite. I would have turned it down. But you are not unreasonable to pull out.

Pretend to have a contagious bug and don’t ask for any money back.