Is it ok to drop out of hen do last minute?

[BeDearLion]

I’m supposed to be going on a close friends hen do abroad this weekend but really don’t want to go. I have a baby and toddler and feeling so anxious about leaving them. Feel like something bad will happen if I go and want to stay with them but also don’t want to let my friend down. Wish I hadn’t committed to this.

I have left my kids overnight before, I usually feel like this before but just force myself to go however this time I don’t know if I can do it. Feel sick and could cry when I think about it.

Would I be a terrible friend/ person for dropping out so late or is it reasonable given I’m feeling like this? Could I pretend to be ill or is that even worse?

it might not offend your partner, but all the other 19 people on the hen do will assume its because you think he's a shit dad who cant cope on his own with his kids.

Deep down I can guarantee your partner will feel like you down trust him, but he's not saying it to save your feelings.

Personally, I think you should go. I had nerves before going away and leaving my DC to go on a girls trip but I went and had a great time.

I’ve had people pull out last minuite for my hen do for reasonings that they should have just said no to coming in the first place, it is really annoying. You’ve probably known about this for months - don’t choose 2 days before to cancel.

Go and celebrate your friend. Your child are with their DAD. They will be fine x

It wouldn’t bother me what others thought, but I agree with you about dad feeling useless

I can imagine my DH being a bit upset if I cancelled because I didn’t want to leave the kids in his capable hands

True it might not bother you what the others think, but its a bit unfair on the husband to have 19 people thinking he's a shit dad, through no fault of his own.

'I think my friend would be annoyed if I didn’t go she’s not a parent so she wouldn’t understand'

Please don't think that people who are not parents have no empathy and no challenges in their own lives. This kind of thing gets trotted out a lot on here and it's very tiresome

That said, if you do pull out and she's annoyed / disappointed, I wouldn't blame her. It's her hen do, it's a huge celebration for her, and you've said that you will go. You can still decide not to go of course, that's your own decision, but there might be consequences like hurting her feelings

It doesn’t seem to be a popular view these days but I personally think it’s really shitty to cancel on people at the last minute (emergencies or sickness aside).

If you don’t want to leave your kids then don’t accept the invite to begin with. But think it’s really unkind to let people down at the last minute like this.

It doesn't appear that the OP is a liar.

You can “give in to you anxiety” If it was for one night int he same country I would say try and go and enjoy yourself.

You aren’t going to be able to enjoy yourself at all.

Not sure if I have missed it or not but I’d suggest getting in touch with your health visitor/ doctors about referral for therapy.

People shouldn’t need to put other’s feelings first in these situations. If she isn’t comfortable going she shouldn’t have to go. She also states it was booked before the 2nd baby. And these feelings have gotten worse.

@JayJayj - hmm, I disagree. Sometimes other people do come first.

The lie doesn’t harm anyone but if she tells the truth she might lose a friend over it.

I think it’s a valid reason for not accepting the invitation in the first place but you did accept. You’ve engaged in the talk in the group chat etc. So to let your friend down at the last minute isn’t good. I would be annoyed with you and I have kids. It also won’t reflect will on your partner

Then so be it. Better no friend than a friend who will agree to be there for your special occasion, then let you down and then lie to you about it.

I'd cut someone out of my life who lied. If they claimed to be ill at the last minute I'd be very suspicious that they were lying. In any case it seems the OP is planning to go.

Dig deep and go. Good for your kids to have time with their dad and also good message that you are a team and both capable of parenting and having full lives! Friend would be so disappointed as well... It's not about money they'll want your company and how lovely to be included 🙂

Mental health matters just as much as physical health.
I also said that in this situation. Not all the time. So you do agree with me. So sometimes other people can be put first and sometimes you need to put yourself first.

No, I don't agree with you at all.

Yes, mental health matters but it's also not a reason to be a shitty friend and back out at the last minute. I've had diagnosed anxiety for years alongside other MH issues and never used it as a reason to drop my friends.

Good for you. Her dropping out doesn’t make her a shitty friend. She shouldn’t feel guilted into going.

Well, I disagree, I think it would make her a shitty friend.

I'm in two minds really. Obviously only you know if this is normal leaving the kids wobbles, or if you feel like it's more than that and something that you need to seek some professional help with?

If it's normal wobbles, I'd go. You wanted to go, you booked it, paid for it, have been involved in the chat about it, knew what it entailed. You might have moments where you feel a pang of wanting to go home, you will also have some moments where you're really glad you did it.

This is life, now you've got your heart wandering around outside your body! It's a series of letting go challenges all the way.

At this late stage I think dropping out would be a dick move and your friendship would undoubtedly suffer. I think you should go in any case tbh. Your kids will be fine, and being away from them in short doses when they are perfectly safe with others is a good thing both for them and you. If you start caving in to this level of anxiety where will it end? Go. Enjoy.

Hmm. I don’t think you Have to go. You’re not ‘giving in’ to anxiety. It’s human nature. You thought you could leave your babies and now you don’t want to. So what. I’m with you, I was the same.

Your friend will be annoyed and won’t understand, at all (her having no children). However that’s not the point. You’ll have a horrible few days. Let her know you can’t go. She’ll get over it eventually. If not, she’s not much of a friend in the first place. 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn’t have agreed to go with a 7 month old BUT you have a good partner who you trust, so little ones will be absolutely fine.

I think go, address anxiety head on, you’ll know whether it’s realistic for you to be away next time the opportunity arises and hopefully you can also have some fun with friends. Try and relax and enjoy - you must have wanted to go at some stage?

Hi OP, you’ve probably already made your decision but just to say, I was in exactly your situation this time last year. Except I only had one young DC.

When I say I honestly worked myself up for months re the hen do and had many times where I broke down in tears at the thought of going.

I was having CBT to help with my anxiety (was, still am also on Citolpram) and I broke down in tears to the counsellor 2 weeks before and let out all my anxieties around going on the hen do. I really, really feared something would happen to me on this trip and I’d leave my DD without a mother. It was so powerful this feeling.

Anyway, the counsellor talked things through with me and encouraged me to go and not let my (irrational) thoughts win.

I went and I am SO GLAD I did! It was one of the best weekends I’ve ever had. Haven’t laughed that much since tbh, nothing bad happened and when I got back I was so proud of myself and glad that I had gone. I really don’t think my friendship with the bride would’ve been the same after, if id have cancelled.

I think if you cancel, you’ll then have the anxiety of the bride falling out with you etc.

If it was me, I would go.

Wish you all the best whatever you decide

Here we go, another "people without children are incapable of basic empathy and understanding" one. 🙄

You might not be very good at putting yourself in other people's shoes but it might surprise you to know that many people are fully capable of understanding and sympathising with situations they haven't directly experienced themselves ..