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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ok to drop out of hen do last minute?

253 replies

BeDearLion · 15/07/2025 20:20

I’m supposed to be going on a close friends hen do abroad this weekend but really don’t want to go. I have a baby and toddler and feeling so anxious about leaving them. Feel like something bad will happen if I go and want to stay with them but also don’t want to let my friend down. Wish I hadn’t committed to this.

I have left my kids overnight before, I usually feel like this before but just force myself to go however this time I don’t know if I can do it. Feel sick and could cry when I think about it.

Would I be a terrible friend/ person for dropping out so late or is it reasonable given I’m feeling like this? Could I pretend to be ill or is that even worse?

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 15/07/2025 20:45

It won't impact anyone else financially since you have already paid your part but it does sound like you want to go was it not for the anxiety. Therefore you ought to make an effort for your self if you know you will enjoy it once you're there.

sofiamofia · 15/07/2025 20:47

If you really don't want to go, don't go.

You can give any reason you want for not going. You can absolutely tell a lie, you don't owe anybody anything.

CremeEggThief · 15/07/2025 20:48

Don't make up excuses for not going, as this just pushes mental health under the Radar, when everyone needs to be more open about it!

Why would making up an excuse be better than being honest?!

Mental Health and Physical Health are just as important as one another, and it's about time everyone realises and respects this!

Bitzee · 15/07/2025 20:49

If you can push yourself to go then go! Don’t let the bride down. Don’t send the message to DH that he can’t be trusted to look after his own kids. You know the anxiety isn’t rational so don’t let it win. I bet you’d enjoy yourself if you went and would regret it if you didn’t. I know I know easier said than done though.

Gotabadfeelingaboutthis · 15/07/2025 20:51

Anxiety is awful, and I think as long as you have paid and are willing to accept that as a loss, then it is reasonable to cancel.
I would try honesty along these lines

To friend,
I am deeply sorry to do this at the last minute, but I'm not able to attend your hen party this weekend. I was genuinely really looking forward to it, but the realities of having a new baby and the anxiety around being in a different country to my children has just built and built over the last few weeks to the point where my anxiety is now unbearable. I know I would not be able to enjoy being away, or give you the amazing time away you deserve with the best company. I would hate to put any sort of dampener on things or take anything away from your special weekend, and I am so very sorry I can't be there in the way I hoped to be. I haven't taken the decision lightly, I really hope you understand, and are able to forgive me. I obviously don't expect any refund of costs, and I hope you have an absolutely brilliant time.

TheyreLikeUsButRichAndThin · 15/07/2025 20:51

Honestly I’d not go. Look after yourself. I didn’t go to a hen do this year because the kids all had a stomach bug and didn’t think it was fair to leave DH with all 3 of them - good job I didn’t go because I came down with it too and there was a pregnant woman on the hen do etc etc. I still paid. No big deal, because my friend the bride is not precious and has a realistic view on life.

TheyreLikeUsButRichAndThin · 15/07/2025 20:52

Gotabadfeelingaboutthis · 15/07/2025 20:51

Anxiety is awful, and I think as long as you have paid and are willing to accept that as a loss, then it is reasonable to cancel.
I would try honesty along these lines

To friend,
I am deeply sorry to do this at the last minute, but I'm not able to attend your hen party this weekend. I was genuinely really looking forward to it, but the realities of having a new baby and the anxiety around being in a different country to my children has just built and built over the last few weeks to the point where my anxiety is now unbearable. I know I would not be able to enjoy being away, or give you the amazing time away you deserve with the best company. I would hate to put any sort of dampener on things or take anything away from your special weekend, and I am so very sorry I can't be there in the way I hoped to be. I haven't taken the decision lightly, I really hope you understand, and are able to forgive me. I obviously don't expect any refund of costs, and I hope you have an absolutely brilliant time.

That’s really OTT if you ask me. This is surely a close friend, no need to be so formal.

Mnni · 15/07/2025 20:54

I wouldn't go. If it was this country I'd say give it a go and you can always feign illness if it's too much but abroad hen is a bigger commitment.

Gamechanger2019 · 15/07/2025 20:54

Goooo the kids will be fine, it’s good for you to show your kids that Mammy can have fun too

TheyreLikeUsButRichAndThin · 15/07/2025 20:56

Gamechanger2019 · 15/07/2025 20:54

Goooo the kids will be fine, it’s good for you to show your kids that Mammy can have fun too

A baby and a toddler will have no perception of mum having fun on a hen do.

Btowngirl · 15/07/2025 20:57

DaisyChain505 · 15/07/2025 20:37

Your children have two capable parents. You were happy enough to make children with this man so trust him enough to look after his own children.

Think about what message you’re sending to your partner by not going. You’re making him feel like a spare part and not trusted or capable of looking after his own children.

Edited

This X 100.

What about in the future when you want a break and you’ve sent this kind of message that you can’t leave them with him. Your children will be fine, you need to take a big breath & figure out why you feel unable to leave them!

heroinechic · 15/07/2025 20:57

Well, obviously it’s not ok to drop out. You’ve made a commitment to your close friend! But really, whether it’s “ok” or not doesn’t really matter, does it? What really matters is whether or not you can actually push yourself to go. FWIW I wouldn’t go, but I would have declined at the outset.

If you decide not to go, I think you should absolutely lie, unless your friend has knowledge of your anxiety and would understand. Otherwise you’ll hurt her feelings and might get a right earful if she’s the bridezilla type.

I’d probably say something about an infection which could get worse, dr has advised not to fly, would invalidate insurance etc.

TheLemonLemur · 15/07/2025 21:00

You say you normally feel like this when you leave them and know you are leaving them with a capable parent. I'd really try and push through for your close friend it's healthy to have a break from being mum, you can facetime before you go out and if you don't go it sends a message to your partner you don't trust him to look after the kids.
It's not easy my ds is currently away from me for a holiday I hate it and am anxious the whole time but I know it's my issue

CheeseWisely · 15/07/2025 21:01

If you really don’t want to go then don’t go, but don’t lie about it. I’d have been disappointed but otherwise fine as the bride in the same situation but I’d be really upset when (and it’s a when, not an if) I found out a close enough friend to be coming on a hen do abroad had felt the need to lie about it.

In fact a friend dropped out of our wedding last minute for a reason that was valid to her, even if I thought she was being a bit unreasonable a the time. Thanks to her honesty we’re actually closer than we ever were now.

mamaonearth · 15/07/2025 21:01

A good friend who loves you wouldn’t want you to feel this way. 7 months is still so little. I would try to get counselling for anxiety but in terms of this trip, no, I wouldn’t go.

stonkytonk11 · 15/07/2025 21:04

I really feel for you as it sounds exactly like me when my kids were little. However, if you are able to push through and go you might find you have a great time and feel invigorated by the experience. I would like to think your friend will
understand if you don’t go…good luck with whatever you decide

godmum56 · 15/07/2025 21:06

Wafflesandsyrup · 15/07/2025 20:35

Your MH comes first. Don't go if you don't want to.

this.

Lurkingandlearning · 15/07/2025 21:13

People are reaching as though you not being there is going to ruin the hen party. It won’t. Your friend will be disappointed and then get on with having a cracking time with all her other guests. That’s not to say you don’t matter, you do, but so do all the other friends who will be there so I don’t think it’s a huge deal if you don’t go. And if you’re truly dreading it then don’t.

Smittenkitchen · 15/07/2025 21:14

I think it's really natural for you not to want to leave such a small baby. I would also not have wanted to leave mine, especially going abroad when they were that age.

Renoonabudget · 15/07/2025 21:17

I can't believe how little people are sympathising with your anxiety. If you would be too stressed being separated from your baby by going abroad that is totally fair. You're not leaving anyone out of pocket and I don't believe you booked it anticipating you would feel this way. For the record I didn't leave my first overnight till they were nearly 3 and I breast fed till nearly 2, I would also have been too anxious to be separated from my baby.

OP if you can't do it, you can't do it. Is there anything they won't be able to do if you drop out? Is there enough other hens going. Xx Take care of yourself though OP, having a baby is a valid reason. Can you speak to one of the bridesmaids first? Do you think the bride will be understanding? Xx

Howtotrainarabbit · 15/07/2025 21:21

The thing is you agree to go and you could have reasonably said no on the basis you have young children. Once you agree to go it's really poor form to pull out last minute and if a few people did that it could ruin the hen do. I'd also make sure you pay for your share of everything if you do pull out.

Having said that I understand the anxiety and sympathise.

Emotionalsupporthamster · 15/07/2025 21:23

OP didn’t say her mental health is suffering or that she has anxiety. She said she’s feeling anxious about leaving the kids, which is a completely normal way to feel at the thought of leaving your baby for the first time. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it though. Maybe it is the case that she has poor mental health but it’s assuming quite a lot to skip straight to you shouldn’t go ‘cos mental health’.

Actupfishy · 15/07/2025 21:25

you're not being unreasonable - i wouldn't be angry at you if i were the bride.

Anxiety is awful!

FighterPilotSwifts · 15/07/2025 21:27

Trouble is with anxiety, if you avoid things your world gets smaller.
Anxious thinking is your brains misguided way of keeping you safe but if you listen to it you will end up doing less and less. Thoughts are not facts, ignore it, go to the hen do, have a nice time, and afterwards you will feel less anxious about the next trip.

Swampdonkey123 · 15/07/2025 21:27

Being honest with yourself, would you want to go if it wasn't for the DC? If so go, and accept you will miss them but they will be fine, and it is OK for you to go and have fun without them.