Is it ok to drop out of hen do last minute?

[BeDearLion]

I’m supposed to be going on a close friends hen do abroad this weekend but really don’t want to go. I have a baby and toddler and feeling so anxious about leaving them. Feel like something bad will happen if I go and want to stay with them but also don’t want to let my friend down. Wish I hadn’t committed to this.

I have left my kids overnight before, I usually feel like this before but just force myself to go however this time I don’t know if I can do it. Feel sick and could cry when I think about it.

Would I be a terrible friend/ person for dropping out so late or is it reasonable given I’m feeling like this? Could I pretend to be ill or is that even worse?

Yes, it's really shitty to drop out at the last minute.

No your reason doesn't justify it. I'd be really pissed off if it was me you were flaking on.

I do understand as your youngest is very little. I imagine you didn't realise how difficult it would be when you commited to the trip. I hope if you don't go, your friend will also be able to see this, but if she is child free, she might not. I would be honest though, that your anxiety is making you unwell and you need to look after your mental health.

However, I do think everything will be alright and you'd probably have a good time once you left.

what if there are 10 plus but half of them drop out too?
If it's okay for OP then surely it's okay for anyone/everyone else too, right?

If anxiety over leaving baby is an okay excuse then surely a sick child or parent, recent bereavement or break up, exhaustion or stress from work, headache, stomach ache, bad period, being on a strict diet, issues with alcohol, shyness, car breaking down, train delay, big event/exam at work the following week, need to back to move house, being pregnant, etc., etc., are all valid too?

If you don't want to go, don't go. Only you know if this is just a bit of a wobble and you'll be fine once you are on your way, or whether you are going to worry non stop and hate it. Will your friend be okay about it? I wouldn't lie. I'd just be up front about how you are feeling. Hopefully she will understand x

I once dropped out of a friend’s hen do last minute - I was feeling really low after breaking up with a boyfriend - and my friend burst into tears. I felt so awful because I was genuinely just looking at it from my point of view and didn’t think I’d be missed too much. I ended up going after all and I had such a good time. I still feel bad for nearly letting my friend down though!

I think your anxiety will always be a factor (I still worry about my teens when we’re apart) - but as someone up thread said, try not to let it diminish your world. Your kids will be absolutely fine with their dad and it’s important that you can have a break sometimes. Go and celebrate your friend - and enjoy some time to yourself!

I appreciate it’s easy for me to say this as I’m on the other side of years of therapy but I’d go. I’ve missed so much due to anxiety all it did was make it so much worse.

Pretend to be ill but do not leave anyone out of pocket. Pay your share and organise a bottle of champagne for the bride via the hotel/bar/wherever.

If she’s a close friend I’d really try and bite the bullet and go. By your own admission their dad is great with them and they’ll be fine.
im assuming it’s not long haul? You can be on a plane home in hours if anything happens.
Id be really disappointed if my close friend dropped out last minute.

That's definitely not a white lie. It's a thumping great lie that involves not only deceiving someone but then having to act being disappointed and make up a whole ridiculous story, followed by maintaining that lie forever and risking causing extra hurt if the truth ever comes out.

I really hate these threads on mumsnet when so many people are advising tell ridiculous lies to their friends and family because they're too cowardly to tell the truth. At the risk of sounding incredibly old-fashioned, what happened to basic integrity and people's word being their bond?

100% agree with this.

I often think there's probably a correlation between the number of posters on MN bemoaning that they don't have any friends, and/or they've found out their friends have met up but not invited them, and all the posts encouraging people to think of themselves first, stay home, drop out of arranged commitments, don't go if you don't want to, hen parties/baby showers/work do's etc are the work of the devil, etc.

It seems obvious but people aren't going to knock on your door and beg you to please be their friend. You have to put effort in to a) make and b) maintain friendships. If you don't bother, people aren't going to keep bothering with you.

Really? That sounds dangerously like Margaret Thatcher's hard right view that there's no such thing as society.

agree. With my anxiety, medication helped a bit, diarising a bit, CBT not really, the only thing that really made a difference was actually pushing through it and doing it anyway.

The first time I cancelled something because of the anxiety I said to myself it's okay to cancel once, I'll do it next time. But next time I was even more anxious and no way could I go, third time even worse. I read up about it, mentally your brain makes the connection (however illogical) 'well I avoided the situation that time and nothing bad happened, that means something bad probably would have happened if I had gone, so let's definitely not go next time and that way we'll be safe again.'

When I finally had to do it, first time was horrendous (well the lead up, once I was actually doing it was fine), second time was still a bit scary but not as bad, third time still a bit nervous but doable, a few months later, I was doing one of the specific things that hugely triggered by anxiety once a week without a second thought.

People think that avoiding it is being kind to yourself but it's usually the worst thing you can do, and just makes it worse.

Your mh comes first. Go.

Or you’ll start being avoidant, which is no joke.

I really hate these threads on mumsnet when so many people are advising tell ridiculous lies to their friends and family because they're too cowardly to tell the truth. At the risk of sounding incredibly old-fashioned, what happened to basic integrity and people's word being their bond?

Absolutely spot on. Well said. 👏👏👏

Yes in these circumstances I would be upset and annoyed if I knew your reasons. The baby and toddler will be with their dad, I think you’re being unreasonable!

I think a true friend would understand and respect your decision and the reasons.
As others have said, it would really be worth looking into some therapy options to help you going forward. Good luck op.

I have to agree with this even though I get the same awful anxiety myself.

I'd you don't go you'll just reinforce the anxiety for next time.

This.

If you still intend to pay and are happy with missing out then stay at home! I left my children at various stages for a night for work and honestly it felt awful. My children didn't settle for anyone else though! If your little ones are happy to settle for their dad and take milk/ sleep fine then they'll be fine but if you are anxious incase they will be distraught without you, thats totally understable.

Her mental health comes first? If thats the case she should stay.

Don’t go and I guess run the risk she ends the friendship. Only you can make that call

If I was the bride I wouldn’t be asking others to sub you though. You choose not to go I wouldn’t be refunding you

I’m diagnosed with GAD so I understand those anxious feelings. I’ve also realized however that letting the anxiety prevent me from doing things makes me miserable.

I agree with PP’s that you should consider what’s driving these thoughts? If they’re rational, I.e., their Dad isn’t good at coping with the children on his own, fair enough. If you know that it’s irrational anxiety about something bad happening, you may want to seek help. Don’t let anxiety take over. 💐

Whatever you decide, don’t lie to the bride.

To not go would be to not only break your word - which is serious - but also to insult your DH, and insult your friends.

Why would you choose to do all that?

Please go. You’ll most likely have a marvellous time.

Yabu.