Is it ok to drop out of hen do last minute?

[BeDearLion]

I’m supposed to be going on a close friends hen do abroad this weekend but really don’t want to go. I have a baby and toddler and feeling so anxious about leaving them. Feel like something bad will happen if I go and want to stay with them but also don’t want to let my friend down. Wish I hadn’t committed to this.

I have left my kids overnight before, I usually feel like this before but just force myself to go however this time I don’t know if I can do it. Feel sick and could cry when I think about it.

Would I be a terrible friend/ person for dropping out so late or is it reasonable given I’m feeling like this? Could I pretend to be ill or is that even worse?

but why is it relevant? Posters are acting like if the friend had a kid herself she would understand OP's position, but there is no actual reason for that to be true. Some people are naturally more empathetic or understanding and others aren't.

Given this is MN I'm assuming the majority of responders on here have had kids, but lots are saying that it is unreasonable for the OP not to go, so it's not as if once you have a child you become a hive mind.

It's completely possible that one friend without kids could sympathise with OP and say 'Of course you don't have to come,' and a different friend with kids could say 'WTF, I leave my kids all the time, it's healthy, you're being ridiculous.'

The specific poster I was responding to said "Your friend will be annoyed and won’t understand, at all (her not having children." Which is complete nonsense.
There are lots of things I haven't personally experienced, doesn't mean I can't understand how someone else might feel.

It's not as if everyone reacts the same to things anyway, if you had two people whose dad had died recently, but one had a great relationship with them so was devastated and the other had been no contact for decades, then their third friend, who was very close to her parents, might very well have a better understanding of how friend 1 was feeling than friend 2, despite technically friend 2 being the one who had experienced the same thing.

In fact not even OP is reacting the same way as herself, as she's said she didn't feel the same way with her first DC. So it's ridiculous to draw any link between having kids=ability to understand OP's POV.

Honestly, I hate leaving my DD and she's 13! I went abroad for a friend's hen party last year and while most of the weekend had fun I'd say about 70% of it was spent wishing I was at home and missing my DH and DD. Your friend may be annoyed at you for cancelling last minute, is there group activities booked etc.? I would say just go and try and relax and have fun, you can always keep in touch with your DC over video calls if you're missing them.

@BeDearLion go! When you get back they'll have had the best time. Don't let your friend down and trust dh.

I don’t think it sends any message to her husband. He will obviously understand where she’s coming from, 7 months old is so young to leave your baby. It’s very reasonable to change your mind.

Pay the money but trust your instincts and decline with apologies. You’ll thank yourself later.

No way would I have left my 7 month old. I was still breastfeeding round the clock. It would have felt awful. I simply wouldn’t have agreed to go in the first place. If I were your friend I would totally understand your cancelling.

Yabu

The more you feed into anxiety, the worse it gets. They have a good dad and it will hopefully do you good.

Someone said “that’s not a good enough reason to drop out….” Excuse me?! Your babies are not enough of a reason to not leave the country without them? Your babies are the perfect reason to not leave the country.
if you don’t want to go, don’t go, stay with your family xx

Selfish means different things to different people. Some would call it selfish to leave her young baby. Everyone has different feelings and values, I know some mothers who wouldn’t bat an eyelid at leaving their tiny babies so they can have a break. Others simply can’t do it.

Neither is wrong. But expecting a friend to leave her dc if she doesn’t want to, if she’s feeling anxious and upset about it and being cross with her if she doesn’t…that’s not the sort of friendship I’d want.

Op has to do what feels right for her. Im all for pushing boundaries and not letting anxiety hold you back from doing things you actually want to do but I totally get why she’d feel uncomfortable about leaving her small dc. Theres nothing wrong with it and it’s certainly not selfish.

I hate hen parties and would have refused from the start.
But now you have agreed, this is a pretty lame reason not to go and is very insulting to your DH. It sounds like you don't trust him, whatever he may say to appease you. You don't want to go down that alley.
Go, cut the apron strings a bit and try to enjoy it. If you hate it, don't go on another one.

i would 100% drop out if it’s stressing you out. Any true friend would understand, you didn’t know how you were going to feel when you booked it. Hen doos are so strange weird pressure on women, I’m getting married next year and would never expect or want anyone to come who felt how you do. Look after your health xx

Go!! They’ll be expecting you to pull out, don’t be flakey. Kids will be ok! I went on my sisters hen do when kids were 2 and 12 weeks! Hard for my husband but they managed!

I went on my friends when my baby was 12 weeks and hated it. My husband is perfectly capable nothing to do with him. It’s not a bad thing to not want to leave your kids!

I’ve felt like this before leaving my two girls, and both times it was absolutely brilliant. My husband was fab and it was a very very helpful experience for the family to have a bit of balance re social commitments early on.

Do you have a particularly kind/empathic friend in the group (not the hen) who you can have a bit of a chat with and let them know how you’re feeling? It can be comforting to know you’ll have a bit of emotion support if required

Why so anxious.. what a stupid question. If you have ever genuinely suffered with anxiety you would never ask this. We already know it’s irrational. We already understand it’s inconvenient. Yes, OP probably shouldn’t have made such a big commitment and no she shouldn’t expect to get her money back but there is no way she will be able to simply relax and enjoy the trip.

Oh fuck off, its not a stupid question, it's a question about whether there is a new underpinning reason for feeling anxious e.g. child has started having nightmares or separation anxiety which werent present before but which can perhaps be managed by some adjustments for her comfort OR whether it's purely a feeling of anxiety so IMO its a fair question because they are different.

Yes, some people do experience feelings of anxiety for no "reason" but it's rude of you to assume all anxiety is purely a feeling of anxiety and there is no world in which it could caused by an underlying reason and that stressor managed.

And yeah, I have experienced severe anxiety which manifested itself in ocd compulsions so don't give me that "you have no idea what its like" bollocks as if you're the only one who had a claim on knowing what it feels like. Is my anxiety experoence now "enough" qualify me in your mind to express an opinion and try and help someone? Or do you want to interrogate me a bit more because you think I'm just being a heartless bitch?

As you've said no one will be left out of pocket, you need to put yourself and your mental health first.

I also suffer with anxiety and when its bad I barely leave the house, but I always feel better when I do get out and about. Do you think you'll enjoy it once you're there? Will you have FOMO if you see everyone's pics etc?

If you’re too anxious don’t go and let them keep any £ towards it. Not unreasonable.

Does nobody get out of their comfort zone anymore? What’s wrong with trying something and then saying ‘it wasn’t for me so I won’t be doing that again for a while.’

Seek help for your mental health before you go into crisis.

You are not unreasonable 🩷

I really wish this wasn’t under the the vote for being reasonable or not 😔 it sounds like you have a common case of post natal anxiety, and it’s not to be under estimated honestly, I had it with my 2 youngest babies and it eats you up inside out. I went on a hen weekend abroad for a close friends hen too when my ds was 6 months old, and I was legit up being sick every night for 2/3 weeks before it, I was honest and spoke to bride and other close friends who were great and reassured it was my decision and wasn’t forcing me - it helps they were all mums too tho! My partner was going to be there and he was not the best at keeping house intact tbh 😂 but all I kept thinking was something was going to happen my baby boy was too young etc I got in such a state I lost mega weight, broke out in hives and just overall an anxious mess who couldn’t think logically! It took until the night before when my partner and best friend sat me down and listed all I wanted/expected over the 4 nights away, for example - kids kept in routine, FaceTime 2x per day and my mother in law even helped - I cried the whole plane ride there but you know what, I had theeeee best time! I will be honest, I still had moments of sheer panic and ugly cried a few times or 10, but my babies were safe and happy , was good quality bonding with their daddy, stayed in their routine (and all the bottles were washed and sterilised!!) I also laughed so much, I’m not a drinker but I enjoyed some cocktails but honestly looking back I would do it again, in fact my youngest is now 4 and I’m desperate for a weekend away for a break 😂 but if your anxiety is as intense as mine was, speak with your health visitor/GP and get support, I was on medication for 2.5 years then came off it and although anxiety is still there it’s not as debilitating. I can say my kids (I have 4 of them!!) are all healthy thriving! Another thing I regret is not letting them stay out with friends or family, cause they never stay out with and since that hen 7/8 years ago? Iv not had a single night free since then (cries ugly again 😭) but I hope your feeling ok and it’s mostly about surving day to day but mama your doing your best 💪🏼 but you also YOU before babies so take the time and enjoy yourself, life’s too short my oldest is 17 and I’m like wtf did the time go 😯

I completely understand how you feel, if your not used to leaving them even if it is with somone you trust or their dad. Its the what if they need you and you are not there. I think if you explain to your friend how you feel and are honest is the best thing you can do. I'm sure if you did go it wouldn't be as bad as you'd think, somtimes the worrying about it before is the worst! On the other hand if they don't have children and you dont think they would understand a while lie isnt the worst X