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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ok to drop out of hen do last minute?

253 replies

BeDearLion · 15/07/2025 20:20

I’m supposed to be going on a close friends hen do abroad this weekend but really don’t want to go. I have a baby and toddler and feeling so anxious about leaving them. Feel like something bad will happen if I go and want to stay with them but also don’t want to let my friend down. Wish I hadn’t committed to this.

I have left my kids overnight before, I usually feel like this before but just force myself to go however this time I don’t know if I can do it. Feel sick and could cry when I think about it.

Would I be a terrible friend/ person for dropping out so late or is it reasonable given I’m feeling like this? Could I pretend to be ill or is that even worse?

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 15/07/2025 20:25

I don't know.

Will they have to pay extra if you do drop out?

If you're going to pay your share anyway and not try to get any money back for not going at short notice, then don't go. I think it's fair you lose the money and nobody else.

You sound quite anxious, so just use that as your reason and be honest.

Emotionalsupporthamster · 15/07/2025 20:27

How old is the baby? Are the kids going to be at home with their dad?

I don’t think I could do that to a close friend at short notice unless I was genuinely ill and couldn’t attend.

Onelifeonly · 15/07/2025 20:30

I can't imagine letting a friend down that way but there again, I can't imagine being that worried about my children because I'd be leaving them with someone I trusted completely. Is that the issue? Or are you anxious about other things?

ThatGladTiger · 15/07/2025 20:30

It’s horrible when you have anxiety. I worry if you say no to this it will be the start of saying no to more things.

Your babies will be fine. Go and enjoy yourself. Also maybe look to some therapy/coping techniques for the anxiety to nip it in the bud x

TheWildZebra · 15/07/2025 20:31

You are being unreasonable because you could have anticipated that you would feel this way when you agreed to attend the hen do in the first place. Make a bed and lie in it and address your anxieties with your partner and a therapist. X

SunflowerLife · 15/07/2025 20:32

How old is the baby? It's a lot to expect of someone with such young kids but ideally you would have been honest from the start. I think it's fine to change your mind but tell her as soon as possible.

CremeEggThief · 15/07/2025 20:33

To me, her level of anxiety does make a case for her not being well enough (lifetime sufferer myself btw), but she needs to pay, whether she goes or not.

And anyone who thinks OP shouldn't have to pay as much now she's not going is WRONG.

EggnogNoggin · 15/07/2025 20:33

I don't think it will be seen as OK :(

I think if you'd committed before having kids it would be fine but not if you committed after you had them.

Why so anxious? Is it because its 2 nights not 1? Or because their dad is looking after them instead of their grandparents?

Original poster
BeDearLion · 15/07/2025 20:35

Baby is 7 months, kids will be home with their dad who is great with them. It’s just me being anxious and the thought of being in another country so far away.

Everything is paid for and it would only be me losing out on what I’ve paid which I obviously wouldn’t get/ ask for back.

OP posts:
Wafflesandsyrup · 15/07/2025 20:35

Your MH comes first. Don't go if you don't want to.

ChatterMonkey · 15/07/2025 20:36

I know someone who was in similar situation - when it came to it she just didn't want to leave her kids.

She still paid for everything she had committed to, and told the bride that she had lost her passport so wasn't able to travel.

Felt it was the best white lie for the situation without actually having to say 'I don't want to go' which sounds a bit mean. Could you do the same if its an abroad hen?

DaisyChain505 · 15/07/2025 20:37

Your children have two capable parents. You were happy enough to make children with this man so trust him enough to look after his own children.

Think about what message you’re sending to your partner by not going. You’re making him feel like a spare part and not trusted or capable of looking after his own children.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2025 20:37

How many people are going?

OutandAboutMum1821 · 15/07/2025 20:38

I really feel for you OP. It would be out of the question for me to be in a different country to my children for very personal reasons. I therefore would decline any invite like this from the outset.

Sometimes how we feel changes in a way we can’t anticipate. If you really can’t face going, I think it would be good to make sure nobody else us out of pocket, and offer to organise something special for the hen closer to home so you can still spoil her and spend some time with her.

Good luck, hopefully you’ll feel better once a clear decision is made.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2025 20:38

And don’t pretend to be ill. Lying is just never a good idea unless there’s threats or something.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/07/2025 20:38

This is not a reasonable reason to drop out OP

SunflowerLife · 15/07/2025 20:40

You know what, who cares if it's seen as ok or not? You don't want to go because you want to stay with your babies. Just do that. Would these friends put your needs before theirs? Probably not. Don't be a people pleaser when the only people that matter are your children.

ilovesooty · 15/07/2025 20:40

ChatterMonkey · 15/07/2025 20:36

I know someone who was in similar situation - when it came to it she just didn't want to leave her kids.

She still paid for everything she had committed to, and told the bride that she had lost her passport so wasn't able to travel.

Felt it was the best white lie for the situation without actually having to say 'I don't want to go' which sounds a bit mean. Could you do the same if its an abroad hen?

That's not a white lie. It's an outright lie.
If someone wants to drop out as the OP does and is prepared to shoulder the costs at least own the reason and tell the truth. In my view anxiety is understandable but lying is unforgivable.

Colinfromaccounts · 15/07/2025 20:40

Suck it up and go.

CremeEggThief · 15/07/2025 20:41

BeDearLion · 15/07/2025 20:35

Baby is 7 months, kids will be home with their dad who is great with them. It’s just me being anxious and the thought of being in another country so far away.

Everything is paid for and it would only be me losing out on what I’ve paid which I obviously wouldn’t get/ ask for back.

Thank you for answering the question about the money, and I am pleased to see you are doing the only right thing to do in this situation and take the full financial hit.

If I were your friend, I would forgive you for pulling out due to anxiety, as I know what it is like. A lot of times I don't make plans with others, just in case I might have to let them down.
It might take me some time, but I would forgive you eventually.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 15/07/2025 20:41

Yanbu on the basis that anxiety can be really debilitating at times and it’s not easy to just ignore it.

Id be honest about it though rather than lying.

people saying that your children are safe and to trust your husband are missing the point. That’s rational thinking and anxiety isn’t rational.

Bournetilly · 15/07/2025 20:41

Are there a lot of people going? If there’s only a few going I wouldn’t cancel. If there’s a lot going and it won’t cost anyone any extra money then it’s ok (ish).

I’d probably make up an excuse, as someone above said saying you have lost your passport is a good excuse.

ilovesooty · 15/07/2025 20:42

Bournetilly · 15/07/2025 20:41

Are there a lot of people going? If there’s only a few going I wouldn’t cancel. If there’s a lot going and it won’t cost anyone any extra money then it’s ok (ish).

I’d probably make up an excuse, as someone above said saying you have lost your passport is a good excuse.

Why would you lie?

MoreChocPls · 15/07/2025 20:43

Go as you will be fine and your kids will be fine. It’s normal to feel like you do… I did but my kids were much older when I first left them so more pathetic!!

TravelPanic · 15/07/2025 20:44

Go! I’ve had similar in the past and ended up having a brilliant time, as did my kids! Don’t let your anxiety limit you - the bad things you’re worrying about aren’t real, just in your head. You deserve a life too and I’m sure your husband wouldn’t miss something just because it meant leaving the kids with you!