Is it ok to drop out of hen do last minute?

[BeDearLion]

I’m supposed to be going on a close friends hen do abroad this weekend but really don’t want to go. I have a baby and toddler and feeling so anxious about leaving them. Feel like something bad will happen if I go and want to stay with them but also don’t want to let my friend down. Wish I hadn’t committed to this.

I have left my kids overnight before, I usually feel like this before but just force myself to go however this time I don’t know if I can do it. Feel sick and could cry when I think about it.

Would I be a terrible friend/ person for dropping out so late or is it reasonable given I’m feeling like this? Could I pretend to be ill or is that even worse?

I think it would be fine to stay home.

Is this people pleasing or just being a friend? Real life is a balancing act between meeting your own and others' needs and desires.

Bring true to yourself is difficult when anxiety is involved, it screws with your mind

Last paragraph I agree with

You will regret this in years to come and your friend and the others on the hen will be talking about it. I would be so upset if my friend ditched my hen last minute using her kids as an excuse when said children had a capable father to care for them. I would understand more if you'd given her notice and perhaps if you were a single parent with no childcare which you are not. It is one night, the kids have a capable dad, just go and have fun! Unless you don't trust your DH which is another conversation.

Your friendships with other women are so important, please cherish them. You will absolutely regret not making time for your friends when your kids are older and have their own lives/friends/partners and see you only sparingly.

I feel you are too far in now to be honest unless you want to lose your friendship with this woman. You said your husband is capable so I see no issue. Go and have fun, being a mum is not your whole identity, you are your own person as well.

When my bf got married, another mutual friend of ours dropped out last minute from the hen do, because she didn't want to leave her 1yo. She then also dropped out of the actual wedding last minute, because she didn't want her baby to be out of routine (baby was invited to wedding, and the friend getting married had been very gracious and accommodating about trying to get things in place, to make it easier for baby to come). She was supposed to be a bridesmaid too.

I couldn't believe the selfishness of it tbh. I quietly cut contact and haven't seen her since, and won't do again. The friend who got married, is much softer than me, and has seen the flaky one a few times since the whole episode. But I know it affected their friendship a lot, and they are not nearly as close as they were previously.

Honestly, it's a big event for your friend, which you have committed to. I honestly think it's selfish not to go. You will also risk harming or ending your friendship ime.

I think sometimes the thought of leaving is worse. Once you’re away you will probably have a great time and although you’ll miss them you won’t be in complete turmoil over it. This is probably the best age to go as they won’t really remember!

That said, if you are uncertain about it to the point where it’s making you anxious and upset you don’t have to do it. Everyone is different when it comes to raising kids, some happily swan off the first chance they get. Others find it much harder.

I would hate to be the hen knowing that my friend only came because she felt she had to. Sure it would be disappointing not to have a close friend there but your kids always come first.

Obviously you don't HAVE to go.

But it will fuck up your friendship if you drop out now.

When your friend has kids, she still might not understand why you dropped out if she doesn't feel the same as you do about a few days away.

I would evaluate whether you want to keep the friendship(s).

It’s a bit weird that you cut ties when it wasn’t even your hen/wedding and the actual bride was ok about it.

It’s not selfish either. Everyone is different. Friendships are important but kids trump everything.

It does seem a bit weird to totally miss the wedding due to a child’s routine though.

Also you haven't said whether you are seeking help for your MH, but if you aren't, sounds like you would benefit from talking to the GP. The worry you are experiencing re going / not going, is a symptom. You need to address the cause. For me, Sertraline has been life changing.

This. Therapists make you face your to your fears typically

Dripping out is a dick move especially at this late stage.

You know yourself if you'll be able to enjoy if when you're there or if you'll be having panic attacks and ruin the vibe for everyone

That's super pathetic and a terrible idea

I really feel for you OP - I went on a trip last week and got the WORST anxiety about leaving my kids and was right on the edge of cancelling but I went and I was SO glad I did as I had an amazing time and the kids were completely fine. I expected them to be upset on video calls and missing me (especially the baby) but they were absolutely fine and it was very freeing.
I think it would have been fine to decline the hen in the first instance because you have a 7 month old, but now that you have committed it will likely damage your friendship with the bride to not come last minute. Could you change your flights and go for just one night or would that be hugely expensive?
Why not push yourself to go and make a deal with yourself that if you can't cope when you get there, or the kids seem upset at your absence, then you can come home early. Your friend would see then that you've made an effort

Did this bride go to all of ops hen dos and baby showers and christenings and wedding and make lots of effort?

If so and you drop out you really will need to make a huge effort to make it up to her

So she should put her friend’s hurt feelings before her own anxiety? Anxiety, be it chronic or a short lived reaction to one event, can be absolutely crippling and overwhelming. It’s not ‘mild, brief discomfort’.

Obviously that's terrible behaviour and you can probably kiss the friendship goodbye. At the very least pay your share and don't expect everyone to subsidise you. You should probably offer to pull out of the wedding too. Very flaky doing that at the last minute!

I'd go. Friendships are so important and need to be maintained throughout the baby years as there is a lot of time on the other side. It's a very important event to your friend and one day you might be sorry you missed it.

Is there someone who could check in on your DH in a supportive way (if we were solo parenting for a weekend either set of parents would come and help)?

I’d encourage you to go:

1. It’s really bad form to drop out
2. Your anxiety is getting the better of you - have a word with yourself and go. They’ll be absolutely fine with their dad and you may well benefit from a break.

I call BS on anxiety, suddenly everyone uses anxiety for everything. It is truly getting ridiculous. Not to mention she needs to sort it out for the sake of her kids, anxious parents breed anxious kids.

I left my baby for the first time for my friends hen. It was abroad and I said I would go for Friday night and Saturday but travel back early on the Sunday because I knew how much I would miss her.

I cried all the way to the airport. Then at the airport I got my nails done, had a glass of champagne and some sushi, remembered I’m a person as well as a mum and thoroughly enjoyed the 2 days.

Turned out the hen was all I got to celebrate of my friend’s wedding as Covid struck just a month later and it was the last carefree fun trip I had for a long time. Very glad I went.

i agree, however your MH may take a hit not going, usually once you get somewhere are you OK?

If the dad is great then GO! You are not going to another planet or the other side of the world.

It'll be a great bonding time for the dad and your little ones. A fantastic break for you and you will get to celebrate with your friend.

The bride absolutely wasn't okay with it - she was hurt and disappointed, but has a tendency to quash her own emotions, in order to not upset other people. But of course then it might seem to others like this sort of flaky behaviour is okay. As OP asked on AIBU, I'm assuming she wants truthful replies about how other people may feel / react, rather than the dishonest niceties we might tell our friends (or might not).

The reason I cut contact, is that I felt I saw the woman's true colours. I didn't have a scene or argument or anything with her, but just thought what's the point of carrying on the friendship? She obviously wasn't interested in anyone's feelings except her own. The other women in the OPs hen party, might not feel this way. But I think there's a reasonable chance they will, so it might be helpful for OP to know, before she makes a decision.

Obviously kids come first but I wouldn't miss out on something important to a friend unless my child needed me and only me (like having an ebf small baby or if they were really poorly). It's important to model to our children that we are people with our own needs and lives.

This. Having friends drop out at the last minute is very upsetting. If you didnt trust the dad you wouldn't have had kids with him. Go. When you drop out you change the dynamic*

and your friend will always remember how her do was worse without you
The time to drop out wasn't this close notice.

• I am assuming a few close friends perhaps up to 15, NOT a hen with 100 people from all walks of life in which case my perspective would change.

This is a good point about MH also suffering NOT going. You'll get short term relief from anxiety by not going but that will be replaced with a more drawn- out misery of guilt and the stress of having to repair the relationship with your friend