Is it ok to drop out of hen do last minute?

[BeDearLion]

I’m supposed to be going on a close friends hen do abroad this weekend but really don’t want to go. I have a baby and toddler and feeling so anxious about leaving them. Feel like something bad will happen if I go and want to stay with them but also don’t want to let my friend down. Wish I hadn’t committed to this.

I have left my kids overnight before, I usually feel like this before but just force myself to go however this time I don’t know if I can do it. Feel sick and could cry when I think about it.

Would I be a terrible friend/ person for dropping out so late or is it reasonable given I’m feeling like this? Could I pretend to be ill or is that even worse?

I completely hear you. I’ve felt like this before leaving my children and they were much older than 7 months. It seems like such a good idea at the time but once the anxiety and guilt creeps in it’s very difficult to shake.

I’ve been four times abroad without my children, each time I’ve felt this way before going. Three times I had a great time once I got there. Just once I shouldn’t have gone, it was torture and I couldn’t wait to get home.

I give myself permission (and the funds!) to fly home if I want to. I don’t have to stay if I don’t want to. I think to myself I’ll hold my head high and go home if that’s what I want. Once I have the option to go home if I want, I often find the nerves and anxiety lift.

Perhaps try and go because if you don’t you’ll never go away again for a long time, but knowing that if after 24hrs it’s not for you, go home. Bang the flight on a credit card and pay it over 12 months if necessary. Confide in a friend who’s going if you can.

I totally understand the washing machine, sick and worried feelings you’re experiencing. Take care of yourself.

This is strange for me OP.

I did exactly this and posted about it at the time. A neighbour, friend, farming community. Very small hen. I paid in full, then just panicked the week before.

lots said I should go, lots said she would understand. I didn’t go.

her first born is now about to start school with my fourth.

we had a mums meal the other night and people were talking about babies and friends and just needing people who can get you. Post natal.

I said one of my lowest moments, was turning down her hen night. She looked horrified, she then said one of her lowest was not telling me to bring the baby 🫣😂😂as if I would. She said she genuinely hadn’t given it a second thought and totally got it.

it was so funny how I had worried about that for years, she had gone onto have three, and was also thinking about it but for different reasons.

i think we do well to follow our instincts sometimes, I still know I wouldn’t have been myself, and it wasn’t a weekend about me leaving baby, it was a weekend about her.

Interesting how split the responses are. I can’t help thinking that the people saying suck it up and go haven’t experienced this kind of anxiety.

There’s no way I could have gone abroad (or even away overnight in same country tbh) when my daughter was so young. I did it first when she was five and that was really hard.

Theres no point putting yourself through it, the time will come when you feel ok to do this kind of thing, but that time isn’t now.

OP I think you should go. And I say that being anxious myself and having supported someone through a period of extreme anxiety where part of their recovery was about pushing themselves through challenges.

You’ve got everything set up so your DC will be fine. You need the separation, you need to know you can do this under safe and controlled circumstances. You’ll have a fantastic time and your confidence will benefit enormously.

I really feel for you. I didn't travel till my child was a year but now I travel a lot for work and I feel anxious each time before but fine when I'm there. Do you think you'd usually enjoy this sort of thing if it wasn't for the children? Do you think you'll feel ok once there?

I think you deserve some time to enjoy yourself but it could be you're not in a great mental space for it. Have a think whether you can really enjoy it once there but I don't think you should force yourself to go if not. If I was the bride I'd be upset if a friend dropped out but also I wouldn't want them being miserable and worrying about them the whole time either.

Is it a small or large group?

How many others are going? What if each of them decided to drop out, all thinking that it's just them and everyone else will go?

People are so flaky nowadays and so many think it's ok to let people down at the last minute.

Also just to add I felt a lot of pressure to be a cool chill modern mum (lol) who went out for drinks and away with friends etc. as that was normal in my circle. Sometimes I went along with it and felt terrible. I just wasn’t chill in that way. I had a very anxious attachment to my daughter probably because of a traumatic near death birth experience. Not sure if that’s the case for you but people saying “just go” because you’ve got to get used to it need to understand that’s a biiiiig ask for some people.

If you’re going to let your friend down at the last minute on something as important to her as her hen party, at least have the basic decency, honesty & integrity to own it and tell her the truth. Character matters.

Lying just makes everything worse ; your guilt, and her perfectly understandable feelings of being let down by someone she considered a friend if she finds out.

I personally wouldn’t go. Hopefully she is a good friend and will understand

Absolutely this.

Why are women such people-pleasers?

If you don't want to do something, don't do it. You don't need to justify it to yourself or anyone else.

All the PPs saying "just go, you'll have a great time" are missing the point. Maybe you'll have an amazing time. Maybe you'll hate it. But be true to yourself and make your own decision.

The only thing I would say is that if you are going to drop out, then the earlier you do it the better. And also get better at saying no to things before you get swept up and start paying deposits.

I’d lie tbh illness or something because I don’t want to go is a bit of a F U to your friend. I’d be annoyed at loss of money too.

I would cancel if you really don’t want to go. Just be honest, don’t lie whatever you do. A good friend might be disappointed but would understand

It isn't a FU if she explains why she's unable to attend. It's a FU and totally disrespectful to lie in my opinion.

Yes, I agree - don't lie.

I think it’s a good thing for you to have a life of your own too.

It's pretty horrible of you tbh, we've seen enough people on here upset when people drop out of things that have taken effort to organise. We've also seen people wondering why they have so few friends.

It's because there are so many people who would prioritise their own mild, brief discomfort over the longer lasting feelings of rejection they'll cause in their friends.

If you decide not to go, at least own the consequences of your friends growing closer to one another than to you. Own the decision to not show up for other people and be sure to expect so little from other people in return.

I wouldn’t want to go abroad and leave my baby - not because I think anything would happen, but it’s the fear of not being able to get home quickly if you needed to.

I had to go to a conference 3 hours away by train when my baby was 8 months old and on the way, the train slowed to a halt between two stations and I started to panic because I wouldn’t be able to get off and go back straight away if I needed to.

Once I was there, I was completely fine. It was 2 nights away, I knew she was safe, it was honestly fine.

You have to do what’s right for you. That being said, I wonder if the bride would understand - the mixed responses on this thread show that not everyone gets it. You obviously know her well so hopefully you have a sense of whether she would be completely understanding, say she was understanding but hold some resentment for later, or be straight up pissed off.

I think you were unreasonable to agree to go in the first place. Absolutely no need to have a hen (or stag) do abroad.

If you accept you lose all your money, then say so now. You could make up some added reason such as the flight cancellations from London Southend Airport earlier this week making you concerned about not getting home as planned.

I know loads of people will say you should go but at the end of the day, it's just a hen weekend. It's a glorified holiday for a grown adult woman and yes, your friend might be sad you are not there but she will still have a good time.
When your children are really young it can be really hard to leave them. Some people will say you just have to get over it but why? They won't be young forever and they are more important than anything else.

when did you0 agree? i have anxiety its hard really when i dont even have a reason just absolute dread

Oo @BeDearLion i know that feeling and I’m sorry you’re feeling like this.

you say it’s normal for you to feel like this before when you’ve left your children. Can I ask how it’s been when you’ve actually left them - have you enjoyed yourself, was it as bad as you thought it was going to be? If you’re not going to be able to enjoy it and will be tearful/ missing them then it’s pointless going. If you think you will be able to have fun with your friends then maybe this is just how you feel before you leave your children which is normal - it can be really hard.

Im going away with work for 5 nights in September - the longest I’ve ever been away from my daughter and I’ve cried about it today- but I also know it’s a great work opportunity and when I’m actually there networking / learning etc I will actually enjoy it. Will I miss her - yes but I can miss my child and still be enjoying myself too.

As another PP stated there’s a difference between having anxiety and panic attacks, and feeling anxious about something which is a normal bodily response to a challenging situation. For eg you might feel anxious about going to a job interview and the thought of it may make you want to cry - that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.

If you really feel like you can’t go - I would be honest with this friend - you call them a close friend so hopefully they will be empathetic and understanding and think it would be much worse if you told a last minute lie and the truth came out (as it so often dose). If one of my best friends was so anxious they didn’t want to leave their children for my hen do - even if I was upset I would completely understand. But you’ve got 3 days so make a decision asap and stick to it

I didn’t leave my babies overnight until they were two (and only because it was my best friends wedding). She absolutely understood why I didn’t go on her abroad hen do (so much so.. she never asked me to).

They’re still 2 and I wouldn’t feel comfortable going abroad without them.

There’s a lot of responses on here about anxiety / having to go because you committed etc. I feel you’re an adult and you don’t need to do anything you don’t want to. Just talk to your friend and apologise for saying you’d go when you now can’t. I would honestly never be offended if a friend decided she wasn’t quite ready to leave her kids (even with her husband, my husband is great and absolutely not offended that I’m not willing to leave them unless I have to. I just did a stint in hospital with one twin and my husband had the other at home, he didn’t suddenly decide he couldn’t handle it because I hadn’t left them overnight with him before 🙄)

I would have been exactly the same at your stage with baby number 2. But then again I still haven’t been away overnight and our second is now 18 months old. And I’m breastfeeding. Also, I probably would have booked something before baby came along as I did a few things away with our toddler at home with their dad. But sometimes when the time comes things feel different, despite all the best intentions.

just go with your gut, don’t worry too much about the rest of it. Baby is so little so should he your priority at this stage. It is a shame for your friend but they’ll get over it, and understand. You can’t explain things like this to a baby.

I get why people are saying to anyway and you sound anxious etc. but I don’t think it’s completely out of the ordinary to feel like you do. Good luck with it all x

This is spot on: 'I feel you’re an adult and you don’t need to do anything you don’t want to'

We all have to do things we don't want to do sometimes (going through labour anyone??!) but this is not one of them and I very much doubt you are someone who lets people down all the time. Your feelings are valid and you do not have to go.

No, it's not okay to drop out last minute, but that doesn't mean you can't.

Don't lie though, if you don't want to go for the reasons you've specified, a be a grown up, and own it.