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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want MIL to “redo” our baby’s name with her priest?

978 replies

Bobcomp · 15/07/2025 14:25

Bit of a weird one. MIL is super Catholic, we’re not religious at all. DH was raised that way but doesn’t really practise anymore. We had a low-key christening for DD (2mo) at our local church - not mega religious, just more of a naming and welcome thing really. We chose her name together - it’s a bit modern but nothing out there. MIL smiled through gritted teeth at the time but didn’t say much.

Fast forward to now - she’s apparently gone and spoken to her priest (very traditional Catholic church she still goes to), and arranged for him to do a “proper” blessing in a couple of weeks. Only she’s told us she’ll be using DD’s middle name during it, because “it’s more suitable for a Christian child” and “closer to the saints”.

She says it’s not a big deal - that it’s just a personal thing between her and God and she’s not trying to change anything officially. But it feels really off to me. She’s literally taking it upon herself to get our daughter re-blessed with a different name because she doesn’t like the one we picked.

DH thinks it’s daft but harmless - says let her crack on, it’s just her being dramatic and it’s not like it’ll go on any documents. But I feel like it’s crossing a line? Like she’s trying to override us or pretend she’s the one naming our child? I don’t want this to turn into some weird power thing where she starts calling DD by her middle name and acting like that’s her “real” name.

Also worth saying - she didn’t even tell us until it was already arranged. Just dropped it in like an FYI on Sunday after church, said we’re “welcome to come” but it’s “mainly for the family and Father Liam”.

AIBU to think this is weird as hell and not ok? Or should I just ignore it and let her have her moment? It’s messing with my head more than it probably should.

OP posts:
AJLOAL · 17/07/2025 03:27

DPotter · 15/07/2025 14:33

Completely out of order. I would be making my feelings crystal clear to both MIL and Father Liam pronto.

I also would not be keen on letting her take the child to church - just in case the temptation to hold an impromptu christening is too much.

batten down your hatches on this one - the weird force is strong

"the weird force is strong with this one" - 🤣🤣🤣 creased me, love it !

SweetnsourNZ · 17/07/2025 03:31

Hollyhobbi · 17/07/2025 02:42

They pick a saints name for their confirmation not their communion.

Oh okay. My younger boys did it for 1st communion but thinking about it I think they combine the 2 now. This was about 20 years ago. This was in New Zealand.

echt · 17/07/2025 05:36

AJLOAL · 17/07/2025 03:20

This hasn't changed my view that MIL shouldn't have arranged it behind your back and certainly shouldn't be using her middle name, but sounds a bit hypocritical that you had her Christened in your family's church but won't allow a blessing in her Catholic church. I think I now would go ahead with a "blessing" but using DD full given name as registered at birth.

It is not hypocritical. The OP and her DH made their decision to have a CofE ceremony. It doesn't mean they must have an RC one.

And by the way it isn't a "blessing", it's a Blessing, because it is a real thing, not pretend as your quotation marks imply.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 17/07/2025 05:50

YANBU. I would not allow or engage with this in any way. Speak up strongly now, or I genuinely worry for you moving forwards. Good luck!

Aim4Lesscortisol · 17/07/2025 05:52

Are you sure she has not arranged to baptise your baby into the catholic church because she has been taught to believe/fear the baby will not be welcome in Heaven if not ?

Luddite26 · 17/07/2025 06:06

While I think your mil is batshit I find it a tiny bit of a drip feed that in your first post you didn't state that you had a C of E christening you sort of played it down. Said you and DH are not religious at all.
But religious enough to choose a C of E christening. And that is your choice. But DH must have known it would irk his strict Catholic mother. And he must have had opinions on a christening.
All your prerogative absolutely and none of mil's business but I don't think you really liked her anyway.
If I wasn't religious at all as you stated I wouldn't have my kids christened.
Had a gran like your mil so I know what they are like.

Wadadli · 17/07/2025 06:59

TimeConsuming · 16/07/2025 19:41

How can it be for “family” if her parents aren’t a necessary part??

It seems the issue is the line. Will she recognise that she is not the parent and has no right to represent the child without parental permission?

at what point will she recognise parental authority and consent?

why doesn’t the priest want the parents present?

Read the OP again. Then read the update

BurnerAccount3 · 17/07/2025 07:04

What's the likely MIL mindset - part Ivy Tilsley, part fear, and part a fuzzy sense of it being her turn to be a matriarch?

I was raised Catholic and my guess is that many older devout Catholics aren't always very precise on details - like not knowing an Anglican baptism is considered a true baptism. (They don't think of it as essentially the same religion - the services sometimes have near-identical wording.)

Baptism doesn't need to be by a priest or vicar at all according to Catholic rules. There just needs to be water poured over the person, the words 'I baptise you in the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit' and the baptist has to intend to initiate the person into Christianity.

There's still a 'no need to ask questions beyond your paygrade' culture, especially among older people like my granny - which is why they mightn't know all the details. She was worried when my kid was christened late in case they died suddenly and didn't get to go to heaven. But more I think because christening older children is seen as less respectable!

I said my baby wasn't sinful and wouldn't go to Limbo if they died, which I was planning on avoiding if possible.

Some more traditionalist women becoming grandparents now probably expected to get their way over younger family members for things like christenings. Because that's how they were treated back in the day. But we're not putting up with it, quite rightly. They committed to a whole value system which is now fizzling out.

The saints names thing is funny and again I think there are some old ideas out there, which some traditionalist or awkward priests would have encouraged. Some older posters on Mumsnet are similarly strict about not naming babies Harry instead of Henry etc because they feel it's breaking the rules of naming, though not for religious reasons.

Cherie Blair's christening name was Teresa, apparently. She's quite religious, but she obviously likes her real non-saint name.

Apparently the guidance to have a saint's name was a cultural thing to encourage attachment to Catholic identity and sense of a relationship with your own saint. In the old days the saint's name rule was probably a way of a grumpy priest telling young parents not to think they were too special by choosing funky modern names. I'd imagine contemporary priests would draw a line at a Pagan or Styx but would probably be fine with a Rainbow or Aria.

I've just checked if there's an official register of saints (!) There's something called the Martyrologium Romanum with over 7000 names on it, at https://archive.org/details/MartRom2004

Brilliantly, St Patrick isn't an official saint, but I can't imagine they would ever say no to a baby Patrick. Catholic rules!

Martyrologium Romanum (2004) : Catholic Church : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

The updated Latin edition (2004) of the Martyrologium Romanum as reformed after the Second Vatican Council.Contains over 7,000 saints and blesseds currently...

https://archive.org/details/MartRom2004

Braygirlnow · 17/07/2025 07:11

Bobcomp · 15/07/2025 19:52

A few people have asked — quite reasonably — why we had DD christened if neither DH nor I are religious.

Totally fair question. The short version is: it was about tradition and family, not belief.

Longer version: I was raised loosely Church of England — not devout by any stretch, but I grew up going to the village church at Christmas, weddings, funerals, etc. It’s where we were married. My parents are fairly relaxed but quietly spiritual, and they asked gently if we’d consider a christening. It felt like a way to include them, acknowledge that wider family/community feeling, and mark our daughter’s arrival with something meaningful, even if we aren’t regular churchgoers. It was personal, warm, and completely on our terms.

None of that justifies MIL deciding she gets a do-over with a new name and a new priest. That’s not about God. That’s about control.

For what it’s worth, the C of E vicar who christened our daughter was wonderful — kind, low-key, and made it very clear that the christening was also about welcoming her into a community of care, not indoctrination. That felt right.

DH, as I’ve said, is technically Catholic by upbringing but hasn’t practiced since childhood. His view was, “If it means something to your family and not mine, let’s go with it.” He’s fully on board now that he’s seen just how far his mum was willing to go behind our backs.

We’re still waiting for the fallout from MIL. She hasn’t called or messaged since DH spoke to her earlier and told her (very firmly) that it’s not happening and that she’s massively overstepped.

I’m torn between relief and dread. But mostly I’m proud that we’ve stood our ground and grateful to all of you for giving me the language and clarity to do it.

Will update again if the martyrdom goes nuclear 🙃

Oh, I was on your side until this. So neither of you are religious, your parents "are fairly relaxed but quietly spiritual, and they asked gently if we’d consider a christening", so would like it but would not be too hurt if you didn't.
OH has gone along with your wishes as "If it means something to your family and not mine, let’s go with it".
But it obviously does mean something to his family (mother) but that something was totally ignored to go with the your"fairly relaxed but spiritual "parents wishes." It felt like a way to include them, acknowledge that wider family/community feeling, and mark our daughter’s arrival with something meaningful" But you didn't think to include or acknowledgeyour your OHs mother/family/ tradition? Who you must of known religion was more important too.
I'm not saying you should of baptised her catholic but neither should you of baptised her C of E.
The fact is if your not religious its ridiculous to have a baptism at all, you are standing in a church making promises you have no intentions of keeping.
You sound like the controller in this marriage.

DetectiveDouche · 17/07/2025 07:41

Not okay. As a mother-in-law to daughter-in-law and with a 19 month old granddaughter, I would say this is massively, hugely overstepping.

If DH won't deal with it, you're going to have to say ias kindly as you can, "MIL, respectfully, this isn't going to happen, I'm not okay with this and DD will not be available to you for that to happen. This doesn't mean I don't value you as a grandmother but these are the kinds of decisions that are made by parents only." Let her do what she will with that. That's as kind as you could possibly be in my book, given what has already been said and transpired about these "arrangements" that are not going to happen.

BurnerAccount3 · 17/07/2025 07:59

People can christen their children if they want for cultural and familial reasons - why not. We do all sorts of things for cultural and familial reasons. Like Christmas.

Soberinthecity · 17/07/2025 07:59

The only thing that’s weird about this is your mother-in-law‘s behaviour and, to a certain extent, your husbands; he needs to grow a backbone.

I’m not religious either nor is any of my family. we have had naming ceremonies that have had nothing to do with churches / religion and no amount of ‘persuading’ would’ve changed our minds.

she has massively overstepped the boundary in the name of her religion. It’s not her baby & you are not religious. It has absolutely nothing to do with her and she needs to be told to stay in her lane. It’s really really simple.

RampantIvy · 17/07/2025 08:00

DetectiveDouche · 17/07/2025 07:41

Not okay. As a mother-in-law to daughter-in-law and with a 19 month old granddaughter, I would say this is massively, hugely overstepping.

If DH won't deal with it, you're going to have to say ias kindly as you can, "MIL, respectfully, this isn't going to happen, I'm not okay with this and DD will not be available to you for that to happen. This doesn't mean I don't value you as a grandmother but these are the kinds of decisions that are made by parents only." Let her do what she will with that. That's as kind as you could possibly be in my book, given what has already been said and transpired about these "arrangements" that are not going to happen.

It's been dealt with. The OP has updated.

SweetnsourNZ · 17/07/2025 08:08

Actually a priest told me that if you are christened COE you don't get christened again to become Catholic these days. I think there is another Christian church in the mix too. Think it was Presbyterian. You are considered Christian and that's what counts. This is in New Zealand anyway.

SweetnsourNZ · 17/07/2025 08:15

PhilippaGeorgiou · 15/07/2025 14:40

she sounds completely unhinged!!

So does "Father Liam" if he's agreed to something without parental consent. TBH, I am a practising Christian, but I'd be tempted to tell both of them that the child is to be raised in the Old Ways in keeping with my families traditions and won't be able to come to the event they've arranged as the babe will be at a Black Mass.

Don't the parents usually have a couple of meetings with the priest anyway before the christening?

TheignT · 17/07/2025 08:37

BoundaryGirl3939 · 16/07/2025 23:26

But she doesn't believe in that baptism. This goes very deep for some people. Her believing the child is not baptised will eat away at her. I'm just giving MIL's thought process behind this. There is fear, and because of this her behaviour may seem irrational.

Well she's not a very good Catholic if she doesn't believe the teachings of the church. I'm sure Father Liam will spell it out for her

TheignT · 17/07/2025 08:37

BoundaryGirl3939 · 16/07/2025 23:26

But she doesn't believe in that baptism. This goes very deep for some people. Her believing the child is not baptised will eat away at her. I'm just giving MIL's thought process behind this. There is fear, and because of this her behaviour may seem irrational.

Well she's not a very good Catholic if she doesn't believe the teachings of the church. I'm sure Father Liam will spell it out for her

DoubleMM · 17/07/2025 08:59

years ago my MIL told me that she had baptised my children in the bathroom sink. I was a mix of angry with her for her presumption and also of understanding of her belief which my mother would have shared that the children needed putting right with their god. my mother was dead long before , but I hope that I would have let her put her mind to rest about the children and what she believed was necessary to ensure their eternal life in heaven. presumably she is not demanding that you take your child to this? she has just arranged a private ceremony. just let it go and tell her you understand and accept her right to believe but that she has to understand and accept your right to your beliefs and that your daughter's name is your choice....

Mischance · 17/07/2025 09:22

But it is NOT HER CHILD.
So whatever her beliefs, whether she feels her GC will burn in hell, it is not her decision to make. She can believe, think, feel all she wants but it is nothing at all to do with her.

BaconAsparagus · 17/07/2025 09:49

No, No and NO!! This is NOT ok Op!!
She has zero rights to do that with YOUR baby without your knowledge!!- how disrespectful to you!! I would certainly not let my DD go anywhere with her - at anytime!! Who knows what she would do with DD in the future and then tell you AFTER! Major things aswell like hair cuts for example - imagine you and DH like it long but MIL thinks a bob suits her better so takes her to have it cut !! I criiinge!! Its basically what she's done booking a renaming ceremony and then inviting said child's mother and father! - next time she might not even tell you!! Your DH seems respectful but lets hope he puts you and your child first and respectfully declines his mother's offer and has a talk about how it is NOT ok to make decisions for your child without him or you!! And if she does anything like that again - let her know the consequence! Its basic respect and if she respects you and her son, she will adhere to the rules you set. Set those boundaries OP and doing it when you decline her offer makes sense as its relevant to the conversation that clearly needs to be had with MIL.
I mean would she have let her son be renamed in a ceremony by her in-law's mum?? If she says no 😅 you have your answer - Good Luck and be firm OP

Isthisstillmymidlifecrisis · 17/07/2025 09:55

Can you negotiate on the saints name /rename part and say that’ a blessing /prayers is ok but it’s a no for now on giving your DD a new name. You and your partner have chosen a name and it will confuse everyone if an alternative name is used by MI. BUT you could suggest that perhaps MIL and DD (when she is old enough) can discuss choosing an appropriate saints name for your DD’s Confirmation (which will be when your DD is about 10). And then if it’s like our family, everybody will have forgotten by then !

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 17/07/2025 10:28

@Bobcomp

I can see MIL trying to enrol dd in a Catholic Primary School when the time comes...

Snakebite61 · 17/07/2025 10:28

Bobcomp · 15/07/2025 14:25

Bit of a weird one. MIL is super Catholic, we’re not religious at all. DH was raised that way but doesn’t really practise anymore. We had a low-key christening for DD (2mo) at our local church - not mega religious, just more of a naming and welcome thing really. We chose her name together - it’s a bit modern but nothing out there. MIL smiled through gritted teeth at the time but didn’t say much.

Fast forward to now - she’s apparently gone and spoken to her priest (very traditional Catholic church she still goes to), and arranged for him to do a “proper” blessing in a couple of weeks. Only she’s told us she’ll be using DD’s middle name during it, because “it’s more suitable for a Christian child” and “closer to the saints”.

She says it’s not a big deal - that it’s just a personal thing between her and God and she’s not trying to change anything officially. But it feels really off to me. She’s literally taking it upon herself to get our daughter re-blessed with a different name because she doesn’t like the one we picked.

DH thinks it’s daft but harmless - says let her crack on, it’s just her being dramatic and it’s not like it’ll go on any documents. But I feel like it’s crossing a line? Like she’s trying to override us or pretend she’s the one naming our child? I don’t want this to turn into some weird power thing where she starts calling DD by her middle name and acting like that’s her “real” name.

Also worth saying - she didn’t even tell us until it was already arranged. Just dropped it in like an FYI on Sunday after church, said we’re “welcome to come” but it’s “mainly for the family and Father Liam”.

AIBU to think this is weird as hell and not ok? Or should I just ignore it and let her have her moment? It’s messing with my head more than it probably should.

Totally not ok. I've found devout Christians to be far from Christian.

Keyfob23 · 17/07/2025 10:34

She is trying to reclaim some control over your child’s identity, based on her beliefs and preferences, and has chosen a name she feels ‘appropriate’. It’s a passive aggressive way to control the situation. Shes asserting her position as grand parent as a power move to get what she wants.
What will happen when she starts using that name and says it’s the real name and the proper christening ?
I’d shut it down and wouldn’t indulge someone who informed me what they wanted to do with my child. I’d also want it known that no further ceremonies happen without our prior consent. You’ll get a back lash but better to front it out now than have years of this manipulation.

BonfireToffee · 17/07/2025 10:41

AJLOAL · 17/07/2025 03:27

"the weird force is strong with this one" - 🤣🤣🤣 creased me, love it !

Makes me think of the old Catholic Star Wars fan habit:

”May the Force be with you…”
”…and also with you!”