To not want MIL to “redo” our baby’s name with her priest?

[Bobcomp]

Bit of a weird one. MIL is super Catholic, we’re not religious at all. DH was raised that way but doesn’t really practise anymore. We had a low-key christening for DD (2mo) at our local church - not mega religious, just more of a naming and welcome thing really. We chose her name together - it’s a bit modern but nothing out there. MIL smiled through gritted teeth at the time but didn’t say much.

Fast forward to now - she’s apparently gone and spoken to her priest (very traditional Catholic church she still goes to), and arranged for him to do a “proper” blessing in a couple of weeks. Only she’s told us she’ll be using DD’s middle name during it, because “it’s more suitable for a Christian child” and “closer to the saints”.

She says it’s not a big deal - that it’s just a personal thing between her and God and she’s not trying to change anything officially. But it feels really off to me. She’s literally taking it upon herself to get our daughter re-blessed with a different name because she doesn’t like the one we picked.

DH thinks it’s daft but harmless - says let her crack on, it’s just her being dramatic and it’s not like it’ll go on any documents. But I feel like it’s crossing a line? Like she’s trying to override us or pretend she’s the one naming our child? I don’t want this to turn into some weird power thing where she starts calling DD by her middle name and acting like that’s her “real” name.

Also worth saying - she didn’t even tell us until it was already arranged. Just dropped it in like an FYI on Sunday after church, said we’re “welcome to come” but it’s “mainly for the family and Father Liam”.

AIBU to think this is weird as hell and not ok? Or should I just ignore it and let her have her moment? It’s messing with my head more than it probably should.

Wow ok thank you all so much — I wasn’t sure if I was being precious about it but this has honestly made me feel a bit more sane. Some of these replies have me howling and nodding at the same time.

A few answers to questions that came up:

• Yes it was a proper christening with water and oil and all that, just not a massive do. Church of England, v lovely v chilled. Vicar knew we’re not mega religious but was happy to do it as a spiritual welcome. MIL was there the whole time, we even had godparents and all.
• We definitely don’t plan on letting her take DD without us. But it was the way she framed it like she’d already sorted it all and we were “welcome” to attend - like it wasn’t really our place to say no??
• DH says I should just ignore it and it’ll blow over, but I’m starting to feel like if I don’t say something it’ll turn into a thing where she starts calling her by her “church name” and pretending that’s official.

I think I will be speaking directly to this Father Liam and clarifying that we’ve already had a christening and don’t want anything else done, esp not with a name we didn’t choose. MIL can bless a photo if she wants but she’s not rewriting history or DD’s identity. Just no.

Thanks again. Feel a bit less like I’m losing the plot now.

I would contact the priest and explain that this is not necessary because you’ve already had a blessing in (insert name of the church).

Absolutely not. I am very laid back but that would push me to stand my ground.

Go along, say very loudly that your child is called first name and breastfeed in a pew.

Fuck that

he may not know the full story.

Absolutely not. My husband and I are different religions - the kids are mine (and yes, he agreed to this and has no issue with it as he isn't religious) - and we had some moments where we had to be really clear with his family about what is and isn't appropriate for children of my religion. So... no.

This sounds more like she wants a catholic baptism rather than C of E rather than the name. But you’ve already chosen what you wanted and already had that so no way on Earth would I be handing my baby over to her for this! And your DH really needs to get a back bone over it.

Lol, this could be my mother. Cult level commitment to an extreme branch of Catholicism.

Hell no is the correct answer.

DH thinks it’s daft but harmless - says let her crack on, it’s just her being dramatic and it’s not like it’ll go on any documents. But I feel like it’s crossing a line?

You're absolutely right.

It's not just an overstep, it's a massive fucking over leap! The brass neck on her to arrange a service for a child that isn't hers!! The priest shouldn't have allowed it.

Clearly DH has been primed to be a push over for her demands and is conflict avoidant/ a keeper of the peace.

Time to remind him that his priorities should lie with you and the kids now, not his mother, and that this may require him stepping out of is comfort zone and sticking up for his family.

You'll be doing yourselves a huge favour by putting your foot down hard now, or she'll just keep pushing and pushing to get her way.

SHOW HIM THE THREAD! He'll soon get the message.

Good, make your feelings crystal clear to Father Liam. It’s this kind of pressure and gaslighting that led to the Magdalene Laundries.

Remind her that the Catholic Church recognizes CofE baptism so it’s not possible to be rechristened, no matter what she wants.

Gosh, your MIL has totally overstepped boundaries +++++++++++++++
And I am a doting nan who has sought a great deal of support from my Catholic faith

If it’s personal between her and God, let it stay that way. Her priest can pray with her without your child if she so wants. Basically dedicating your child in a name that isn’t their own is your mum trying to have her own way. Then she will only call the child by her middle name and it’ll be “well it’s my special name for her, because it’s what God told me she should be called.”

Don’t entertain a second of it. She’s been christened already. She doesn’t need her own personal priest getting involved.

And personally, as someone who was brought up in the church and has religious trauma, I wouldn’t be letting anyone take my child to a priest without me there. Not fucking ever.

She can NOT be christened twice. Tell Fr Liam and he will stop it.

Crazyyyyyyyyy

I’m actually surprised that your MIL was able to organise this without your involvement though? Usually Catholic Churches are very strict on both parents being part of the church before any such ceremony can take place. And parents have to attend baptismal classes and you need to arrange godparents etc. Wild that this was allowed to be arranged behind you backs…

I think I will be speaking directly to this Father Liam and clarifying that we’ve already had a christening and don’t want anything else done, esp not with a name we didn’t choose.

Perfect response.

The audacity of her, it's a whacking great overstep and you're right to put her in her place, she surely doesn't really believe it's her place to do such a thing, surely...

She'd be better off apologising to God for being such a CF and taking it upon herself to rechristen her Granddaughter, and praying that He helps her stay in her own lane in future.

Which name does she use in relation to the baby? In front of you or to her friends? I think this will reinforce, in her mind, that her preferred name is the 'proper' one. If you let this go ahead, don't let it happen without you there and insist that the priest uses both names (contact him beforehand to emphasise that you are the parents and this is your child's name).

I know this is a common MN thing but do you have a DH problem? What else will he let blow over? Also if your Mil says "its not a big thing" then why is she being so batshit about it? I don't believe that the Roman Catholic church (not RC myself) recognise "personal things between her and God" with regard to children. Its a definite no from me and I'd be telling your DH to decide who he wants to upset between yourself and his mother....and to choose VERY carefully.
I do think that speaking to the priest yourself is a very good idea. Its possible that he does not know the full story and would not go along with it if he did.

She didn’t even tell us until it was already arranged. Just dropped it in like an FYI on Sunday after church, said we’re “welcome to come” but it’s “mainly for the family and Father Liam”

Also this ... I don't know what brownie points she's hoping to garner from Father Liam, but since it's supposedly for the family does that not include you, or are you considered "not Catholic enough"?

FWIW I'm not keen on your DH's "It'll all blow over" attitude either, suggesting as it does a wish to enable rather than risk upsetting her, and that's something I'd be wanting a conversation about

As I said Fr Liam may not know the full story......

Oh, hell no! Nip this in the bud right now, or you'll have many more years of this craziness and overwriting your parenting decisions. This isn't harmless at all. This is a sign of future behavior.

Yes - it’s not looking good for MIL to get into the Kingdom of Heaven with this carry-on.

No. Fucking way. Just who does she think she is? She brought her children up the way she wished. You don’t get to do that with grandchildren. It’s your go now.

Say ‘Sandra, about this thing on Sunday. Mark and I have discussed it and it’s not going ahead. I don’t want to get in to debate about religion and certainly don’t want to argue, but I’m not religious and as such it’s not happening. Why don’t you pop round to ours on Sunday instead and I’ll do a BBQ and drinks forecast looks good.’