To ask for the money back?

[Horses1]

Can’t decide if it’s embarrassing to ask! In the holidays I often take my kids friends on days out with us whilst their parents work. It works well on both sides- their kids get days out and I pick them up drop them off (they all work from home) and my kids have friends to play with. I’m more than happy to do this.

Its always been on the basis that they cover the costs for their kids- transfer ticket money and either bring a packed lunch or if they say they want they to have food out afterwards I let them know how much it cost and they transfer. Sometimes it’s cost me more for example if they bring packed lunches and they want ice creams but I don’t mind that.

It can all add up though as we go on quite a few days out - 1 a week so maybe 6 over the holidays. Last week the mum said she’d transfer after for her DS food - it came to about £15. I messaged her with the cost and she’s not transferred. Appreciate it’s £15 but it soon all adds up if I’m the one paying each time. Would you message again or just leave it? DH says leave it as it’s embarrassing but we don’t have lots of spare money and I have to plan the summer holidays to do this.

Embarrassing or ok to ask? Any suggestions how to do it going forward? Thanks

You could send a message to all involved saying "if you haven't paid yet please could you do so...."
You could also make it clear that if a previous trip has not been paid for then you cannot accept a booking for the next trip.
Well done for being that person organising things! X

I think you should have money upfront and agree with the parents what is ok to spend if you are worried that they say certain amount is too much. Either get them transfer money or ask them to have a kitty to keep it simple.

If you let it go once, she will assume that you're fine for a piggyback ride each time. It's not a question of your having spare money or not, it s the principle of the thing. Some people - always the same ones - borrow, but never lend, because they never have what we need, even if it's a tin of milk.

Its a bit much to be so angry with people for what could be an innocent oversight. Just because she has received a message about it doesn't mean she hasn't forgotten - sometimes we need a reminder. She may well have picked up the message when she was in the middle of doing something and it has subsequently not registered properly, or she intended to do it and then got distracted, which is not unlikely.

Very judgmental of people to jump to the conclusion that it is anything but an honest oversight.

Just say "Hi X, I can't find the payment for little X's lunch, could you check your bank?" She's getting free childcare for a day a week; if she gets offended, that's on her - you're not a charity.

Thanks everyone for your advice. Going forward I’ll get them to tranfer a set amount pre days out and I’ll refund them back if they don’t spend it. It all adds up and I think they won’t want money to put me off taking their DC out as it’s really helpful to them; or their DC is in watching telly all day and are an only child so I think it’s a good arrangement both ways. My kids have company and they get a day out. It’s also cheaper for them as they’re not paying parent entry into the attractions and just paying for their child and I’m covering petrol , door to door drop offs.

I think that’s why I was slightly confused why she didn’t transfer me the money as it’s a one way arrangement. It’s always us taking her DC out and never reciprocated. I have no problem with this at all (she works full time so won’t have the annual leave) - but I’m pointing it out in the sense that if it was reciprocated then one trip she’d pay for the kids and the other trip I would and it would naturally work out. However as it’s set up at the moment it’s all on me so I need to be a bit more forward.

Like some others have said I can’t work out how you would forget- it’s not something to me you could forgot to pay and I’m not a PA who should have to constantly remind someone, but at least I’ve got a plan going forward if do it again.

She does have annual leave, she works full time. She chooses not to spend it taking out other peoples kids which is her choice. But, you're wrong when you say she won't annual leave. She does.

Soo have you got the money back?

I meant that she uses it on holidays and not on days out. And I appreciate how precious annual leave days are in your year whilst factoring in holidays, sports days, Christmas etc!

She’s probably forgotten. I know from embarrassingly painful experience how easy it is with bank transfers. By the time I drive home from the hairdresser there are other things on my mind, and I occasionally forget to pay. Embarrassing, but better to be reminded than to find later that you’ve forgotten more than once. Much better to ask now, or it becomes progressively more difficult.

Yes, that’s what I meant - she uses annual leave for her own kids.

Have you got the money back?

Going forward great plan to get money up front

but what about what she owes you now @Horses1

just send a text to remind

Like some others have said I can’t work out how you would forget
She hasn't forgotten. She has spun things in her mind such that she now believes that she is doing you a favor and therefore you should cover the cost of it all.

So have you actually asked her and has she finally paid?
Sorry if I’ve missed this @Horses1

And I disagree with you.

This is their usual arrangement, that the OP will buy, let the friend know the price and the friend pays. Always has been the arrangement and the friend has always paid. This once, she's forgotten. It's all there is to it. Its a simple mistake which we all (even you I'm sure) make. She's forgotten to transfer the money once. The OP simply needs to send a quick 'hey sorry I've not had the transfer yet, could you pop it in, thanks' and that's that.

OP don't let half these people make you think she's some kind of arsehole for forgetting. Is it just once she's forgotten? If so then just a quick message to remind her and that's that. There's no need to tie yourself up in knots over this.

@OldMcDonaldHadABigMac

We will have to disagree.

I hate mothers who behave like this - who think their lives are so much more busy and hectic than the OP - the one who is actually taking all the kids out.

Take some personal responsibility.

At the point the outing was organised - it was obvious money would be due

At the point that the children were dropped back home - it is CLEAR that money was due

When the OP sent a text asking for payment - MONEY IS DUE.

I hate your disingenuous angle of oh this is just their normal arrangement. The normal arrangement is for the other mum to PAY for the expenses of HER OWN KIDS.

The usual arrangement has been broken.

Yes OP @Horses1 should definitely send a reminder.

But you @OldMcDonaldHadABigMac are spinning this like it’s normal. It’s not.
It is actually really rude and discourteous.

@OldMcDonaldHadABigMac

I wanted to add that as a mum generally I think you should really not add to another mother’s mental load.

OP has posted on Mnet, had a conversation with her husband and no doubt worried about how to word the chaser text - all because someone else cant do basic organisation when they are being done a massive favour.

It's interesting that people have told you that they have forgotten such things in the past, due to being busy or stressed or just a complete scatterbrain, but you choose to stick to your own way of thinking and the people who agreed with you.

If you think it's impossible for something to skip your mind and that it must be purposeful then you are simply wrong.

@JustSawJohnny

The issue is not the forgetting. It’s the lack of self awareness from the “forgetters’ on this thread making it seem like it is completely normal to stress someone else out (to the point that she had to have a conversation with her DH because it was worrying).

It’s normal to forget.

But let’s own it as thoughtless behaviour.

It will be resolved (I am sure the mum will
pay) but let’s call rudeness/thoughtlessness/disorganisation what it is, and try to be better.

She would probably prefer you to chase, pay you and then her kids can carry on spending days with you, rather than you deciding its not worth it and stop taking them out in the end!

We are not angry or judgemental. When people take other people's children out, the money should have been set aside before the event, not after.

Just ask!!! She'll have forgotten. I've got a million things to do in a day. I could beet easily forget!

I also wonder why she doesn’t just give the kids the money they need for the days out or give you the cash for it when she leaves the kids with you. I think this is what most people would do.