Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for the money back?

283 replies

Horses1 · 15/07/2025 12:50

Can’t decide if it’s embarrassing to ask! In the holidays I often take my kids friends on days out with us whilst their parents work. It works well on both sides- their kids get days out and I pick them up drop them off (they all work from home) and my kids have friends to play with. I’m more than happy to do this.

Its always been on the basis that they cover the costs for their kids- transfer ticket money and either bring a packed lunch or if they say they want they to have food out afterwards I let them know how much it cost and they transfer. Sometimes it’s cost me more for example if they bring packed lunches and they want ice creams but I don’t mind that.

It can all add up though as we go on quite a few days out - 1 a week so maybe 6 over the holidays. Last week the mum said she’d transfer after for her DS food - it came to about £15. I messaged her with the cost and she’s not transferred. Appreciate it’s £15 but it soon all adds up if I’m the one paying each time. Would you message again or just leave it? DH says leave it as it’s embarrassing but we don’t have lots of spare money and I have to plan the summer holidays to do this.

Embarrassing or ok to ask? Any suggestions how to do it going forward? Thanks

OP posts:
IBEAN · 19/07/2025 18:59

Either ask again nicely and if they still don't pay, let it go and never ask the child again, they will soon wise up and feel silly. It is not as they don't know. People simply do not "forget" if someone is doing them a big favour, they just don't want to pay and hope you are too nice to ask. Never trust the "I must have forgotten brigade" It is always a lie. Seen it many times over the years, am a granny now. If I know they are like that, I don't ask.

IBEAN · 19/07/2025 19:04

Because it is most likely to be true

Jomerr82 · 19/07/2025 19:12

Loveduppenguin · 15/07/2025 12:55

Hey x’s mum, just wondering if you sent in that £15 as I didn’t see it come in, just wanted to make sure it didn’t go to the wrong person or something. Let me know, thanks

No

YourPurpleGal · 19/07/2025 19:34

YANBU!
Maybe give her until the end of this weekend and message on Monday. Just say that you hadn't noticed the amount going into your account so could she check to see if the £15 payment had left her account yet.
It's easy to forget these things and that'd probably be the reason.
You are a treasure to include your kids' friends in your days out! Have a great summer!

ThatTwinklyEagle · 19/07/2025 19:35

YANBU, but if you feel awkward about reminding her, maybe you could add it onto the next bill you’ll need to bring up with her? Eg - hi X, this week cost £6, so in total you owe £21 with last weeks cost included’ - just an idea!

CalamityJen2 · 19/07/2025 19:47

Don't be embarrassed to remind her. If anything, she might be embarrassed that she forgot. That could be the problem versus her just not paying you. If she's withholding payment, she will likely be irritated rather than embarrassed by a reminder - then you'll know whether or not you want to deal with her and her child another time. Better to find out now than have to deal with the issue in the future.

Vodkamummy · 19/07/2025 20:07

OK to ask, its always been the arrangement, she may have just genuinely forgotten or started doing it, got sidetracked and thought she had.

Thecoolestnanny · 19/07/2025 20:14

Exactly what I was about to say 😊

Thecoolestnanny · 19/07/2025 20:15

My thoughts exactly 😊

ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan · 19/07/2025 20:23

I sometimes take my friends kids out but I insist that parents pay ticket costs etc before we leave. My friends always send their kids out with spending money & if there's anything extra to pay, they settle afterwards. I do the same, book & pay for tickets before the event & top up debit card before the trip.

You need to start doing it this way now because it's costing you too much doing it your original way.

piefacedClique · 19/07/2025 20:24

Why not suggest she gives you a prepaid card to cover the holidays…. Saves you bothering her each time

HelpMeUnpickThis · 19/07/2025 20:30

OldMcDonaldHadABigMac · 15/07/2025 13:22

Do they? And even if that is the case, from what the OP has said, the woman hasn't done this before. It's a one off. So jumping to the worst conclusion immediately, despite woman having no form for this behaviour whatsoever, just comes across as nasty.

I'm all for holding people accountable, but immediately jumping to the conclusion that you have is a bit much.

Show quote history

@OldMcDonaldHadABigMac

I disagree with you.

I think it's a bit much to expect someone to sub your kid when you know full well that the person took your child out for the day (so you could work) and incurred expenses. You then received a notification of how much was due and you didn't settle it. And now the poor person who did you a huge favour is tying themselves up in knots trying to figure out how to ask for THEIR money back.

This mum has NO IDEA about the OP's financial circumstances and they don't need to. They should just pay what they owe and do it promptly.

I am so surprised by all the replies that suggest she just forgot blah blah.

It's 2025 - use a calendar reminder, use an app, write it on the kitchen notice board, stick a note on the fridge.

It's total CF behaviour.

Someone upthread even said something about a peri menopausal / ADHD brain - if the kids are the same age could OP not be peri menopausal as well? Would they be happy with that as an excuse if the situation was reversed?

Childcare is a huge expense and summer is one of the most expensive times of the year in that respect. If someone is taking your kids out for the day and incurring expenses so that you can work uninterrupted then pay them promptly, if not in advance.

It's not on to make someone chase you for their money when you have done them a huge favour. Not on at all.

MumWifeOther · 19/07/2025 20:40

She’s probably forgotten and will be grateful for a gentle reminder.

rainbowsparkle28 · 19/07/2025 20:43

YANBU. However much it is is kind of irrelevant - you shouldn’t be out of pocket for helping out and looking after someone else’s child.

Strictlymad · 19/07/2025 20:53

If she usually pays without issue she’s probably just forgotten, send a polite reminder

gradygals · 19/07/2025 20:58

It would be better to ask for "Incidental Money" beforehand, i.e. money for burger and fries, ice cream, extra drinks, entrance fees etc. If child does not use the Incidental fee then you can refund. It is then not coming out of your budget.

mombienation · 19/07/2025 21:02

Horses1 · 15/07/2025 12:50

Can’t decide if it’s embarrassing to ask! In the holidays I often take my kids friends on days out with us whilst their parents work. It works well on both sides- their kids get days out and I pick them up drop them off (they all work from home) and my kids have friends to play with. I’m more than happy to do this.

Its always been on the basis that they cover the costs for their kids- transfer ticket money and either bring a packed lunch or if they say they want they to have food out afterwards I let them know how much it cost and they transfer. Sometimes it’s cost me more for example if they bring packed lunches and they want ice creams but I don’t mind that.

It can all add up though as we go on quite a few days out - 1 a week so maybe 6 over the holidays. Last week the mum said she’d transfer after for her DS food - it came to about £15. I messaged her with the cost and she’s not transferred. Appreciate it’s £15 but it soon all adds up if I’m the one paying each time. Would you message again or just leave it? DH says leave it as it’s embarrassing but we don’t have lots of spare money and I have to plan the summer holidays to do this.

Embarrassing or ok to ask? Any suggestions how to do it going forward? Thanks

You're not being unreasonable but you're possibly overthinking it. She's probably forgotten! How long has it been? Give her a nudge and say "I'm just putting aside our summer pot of £, any chance you could pop the £15 in this account if you haven't already? Thanks so much" , you've already spent more than £15 of your own precious time worrying about it!

MummaMummaMumma · 19/07/2025 21:05

I'd just assume she'd forgotten.
Send a polite reminder, it's not rude or cringey.

Sparticle · 19/07/2025 21:24

Horses1 · 15/07/2025 13:58

Yeah she’s always paid before. And has my bank details as we’re always pinging over for things ( shared teacher Presents, joint stuff etc) .

I think I wrote on here as I’m someone who never forgets to pay. So to me I think she must have purposely not paid, but then again she’s working and busy so maybe she has just forgotten. I know we all work differently in our heads and I’m good at never forgetting to pay and it sits over me- but other people might not be like this.

I think it would be a good idea if I message as awkward as I feel. We’re friends as well , which is probably why I feel awkward but not that close friends we’re on relaxed terms.

To the people asking about the cost and if she agreed- yes I asked if she wanted to bring a packed lunch and she said buy his food up to £20 and she’ll transfer. So it was under and I did things like pack cartons for all the kids and crisps , so I reduced the costs spent at the cafe.

I hope you did ask for the money OP, or have got it back. Given you have already reduced the cost to your friend by providing drinks and snacks out of your own purse, in my mind she really is taking the mick.

My DD started high school last September and her BF’s mum has picked her up nearly every day to take her to school along with her DD. We’ve been so grateful and have invited the whole family around for a meal and drinks (and have told them not to bring anything) to say thank you. Your friend hasn’t made much of an effort really to show gratitude.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/07/2025 21:35

@Horses1 have you got the money yet ?
if not have you asked for it

Fridaynightfish · 19/07/2025 21:49

Surprised at some responses!

She’s forgotten and will be glad of the reminder. And probably mortified.

As your friend I would appreciate a reminder and would pay ASAP. Don’t overthink it - just a quick message to ask if she sent it as you can’t see it on your bank. No big deal honestly.

Hippee · 19/07/2025 22:23

It's always the person doing the favour that ends up out of pocket. I hate asking. But also I would be mortified if I had forgotten to pay and would appreciate being reminded.

Jeska7 · 19/07/2025 22:24

Why are a lot of people assuming she has a nerve to do this? It’s likely she got distracted and totally forgot, and that she would appreciate a polite gentle reminder. It wouldn’t harm to say “Sorry to ask but you might have forgotten to transfer the £15. I know it’s not much but it soon adds up, and I need it before I can organise another trip”.

Yakacm · 19/07/2025 22:33

Don’t take the kid out again, if she pays you or not.

HardyCrow · 19/07/2025 23:57

BIWI · 15/07/2025 13:11

Why would you be embarrassed to ask? That’s madness, especially if you’re short of money.

You are doing her a huge favour - don’t forget if she was having to pay for childcare it would be costing her a lot more!

Yes this