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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend simply won't stop messaging!

339 replies

smmontana · 14/07/2025 22:01

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

OP posts:
WombatStewForTea · 14/07/2025 22:05

I value this person’s friendship

What exactly does he add to your life? He sounds incredibly self involved and tone deaf. Has he always been this way?

hattie43 · 14/07/2025 22:07

He’s bordering on obsessive, how does a normal person have the time to text that often

Original poster
smmontana · 14/07/2025 22:08

WombatStewForTea · 14/07/2025 22:05

I value this person’s friendship

What exactly does he add to your life? He sounds incredibly self involved and tone deaf. Has he always been this way?

He wasn't always like this, believe it or not!

Since my husband died, he's upped the texts tenfold though. He was good to me in my 'early days' of grief (it still feels like 'early days' in my 'grief journey' in truth) - but something has changed - and it is in tandem with a lot of awful admin I've got to do. He's really upped the ante. He genuinely wasn't like this before my DH died.

OP posts:
Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 14/07/2025 22:08

Im very sorry for your loss

I cant help but wonder if he is sniffing around to move in on a wealthy widow.

UhhhhhhhOK · 14/07/2025 22:10

Block. It’s causing more additional stress than necessary. Talk to him again when you are ready.

Sunshine386 · 14/07/2025 22:11

I'm sorry to hear about your husband first of all.

It sounds very strange for a grown man. How old is this man, does he do this to other people or just you? How long have you known him? I wondered if its possibly that if it's just you he is doing this to, do you think he could be interested in you in a romantic way, or is that not likely?

It's very difficult because it could also be that he has some sort of mental health issues, without knowing him I can't say. I think some people also feel they are connecting with others with these type of messages and don't realise it's annoying. You've obviously said to stop though. Regardless, you've told him to stop so I wouldn't look at the messages

Leapintothelightning · 14/07/2025 22:11

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 14/07/2025 22:08

Im very sorry for your loss

I cant help but wonder if he is sniffing around to move in on a wealthy widow.

This is exactly where my mind went!
I know you say you value his friendship and you don’t want to block him but I really think that is your only option.

Maray1967 · 14/07/2025 22:11

He’s selfish and thoughtless at best - obsessive at worst.

I would stop responding at all now. I wouldn’t want someone like this in my life. If you think you need to send one final message, then keep it short and firm.

‘I’ve told you that I’m not able to respond to your messages but you are sending more and more. I won’t be responding from now on.’

dontcomeatme · 14/07/2025 22:12

I'm sorry but how many unread messages? I have best friends I wouldn't message that often! Especially if they had asked for space. You need to accept you've lost the friendship and block his number and move on. He is either obsessive and/or stalkerish, or completely tone deaf to your situation, which isn't an excuse, a little empathy and compassion goes a long way.
I'm sorry for your loss OP, and the issues you're still dealing with.
This man isn't a friend.

VikingLady · 14/07/2025 22:12

He’s trying it on. He’s showing very clearly that he doesn’t respect your boundaries or your grieving process, and now he’s making a move on you.

SeaToSki · 14/07/2025 22:13

Do you think you would be able to text him and say you have decided to focus on moving through your grief and are going to be muting all non essential emails texts and other digital messages as you are finding them distracting you. Then say you are not sure how long it will take, so you will be back in touch with him when you are ready and you appreciate his patience

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 14/07/2025 22:14

To cut to the point, does he fancy you? It’s the most likely reason I can think of for all this attention. You really do need to block him. It’s hard to accept that friendships can end. But it’s not the friendship it was. He used to be a good friend and was supportive, now he is literally harassing you and repeatedly ignoring your boundaries. He is a bad friend now. How anyone could ever think it’s okay to keep messaging someone like this at any time is beyond me, but to do it when you’re still trying to come to terms with your husband’s death is genuinely shocking. He’s a bad friend and you need to stop pandering to him. You said yourself, life is fragile, don’t waste any more of your precious life putting up with his shit.

Pessismistic · 14/07/2025 22:14

smmontana · 14/07/2025 22:01

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

Sorry you are going through this it’s a lot to deal with but you value your friendship but it doesn’t sound like he does yours. I would send him 1 message saying hi x I really cannot cope with your messages right now I’m going through hell and you’re not helping me. I am now asking you nicely please give me space and I will be in touch when I’m ready if he ignores you he doesn’t respect you and I would block him a real friend would hear you and leave you alone. Good luck with everything.

Maray1967 · 14/07/2025 22:14

And I should have sent condolences as well.

I would be concerned that his behaviour following the loss of your husband is highly inappropriate. He is bombarding you with inane messages, not sending a kind message a couple of times a week asking how you are.

IReallyLoveItHere · 14/07/2025 22:15

It sounds like you've had an unbelievable tough time of it, I'm sorry.

I assume he thinks he's helping, that you appreciate the distraction, but you've told him multiple times so he's being a dick. Very similar to men who persue you and believe every 'no' is actually you just playing hard to get.

But what can you do? You've told him multiple times, you're ignoring his messages. You could speak to him or ask a friend to on your behalf, you could write a very frank email about how much he is upsetting you with all this and if he wishes the friendship to continue he must respect your need for distance right now. Or you could block him.

Id honestly go with blocking.

Hadalifeonce · 14/07/2025 22:17

I would say something along the lines of :

Please, John stop sending so many texts/messages/WhatsApps. I am really struggling having to deal with Harry's estate, and I cannot deal with the added pressure from you at the moment. I know you will want what's best for me, so am sure you will respect my request.

gamerchick · 14/07/2025 22:19

Sounds like he's making sure he stays on your radar OP. This man isn't your friend.

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 14/07/2025 22:20

Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss and for the difficult situation this "friend" has created. He doesn't care about what you want, does he?
You're in a very vulnerable position just now and you need to look after yourself. We can only guess why he didn't behave like this before your bereavement, and why he chooses to do so now. His motivation doesn't matter though, what matters is that his messages are unwanted and are causing you distress. You have indicated politely that they're unwanted and he continues. You can, and should block him. You need supportive friends. Not this.

HiCandles · 14/07/2025 22:20

This is madness on his part, how self obsessed can someone be. He's utterly thoughtless of your needs. This would put me right off ever being friends tbh.
I see that you've got two options. Either have it out by sending a detailed message explaining (like your OP) then block him on everything, or continue to mute and ignore, never reading the messages, just ghost him until he eventually gets the idea. I guess your occasional replies are enough for him to keep deluding himself his contact is wanted.

TaffetaPhrases · 14/07/2025 22:22

He can smell money.

CrushingOnRubies · 14/07/2025 22:22

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 14/07/2025 22:08

Im very sorry for your loss

I cant help but wonder if he is sniffing around to move in on a wealthy widow.

So sorry you’re going through all of this

but also agree that he’s sniffing around a wealthy widow

Alltheyellowbirds · 14/07/2025 22:28

I’m so sorry you lost your husband.

Maybe this friend always had a crush on you and now sees you as available. Or perhaps he’s feels he’s helping you through your grief.

Whatever the reason, he is not respecting your wishes so he needs to be told, gently but firmly, to back off.

MayaPinion · 14/07/2025 22:32

I am sorry for your loss. I agree that he wants to step into your DH’s shoes. He is stepping all over your boundaries to you’ll need to be blunt. It has to be along the lines of, ‘Hi Bob, I’m blocking you on everything because the volume and content of your messages and emails is overwhelming and I no longer wish to engage with them. Do not try to contact me again.’

Gremlins101 · 14/07/2025 22:40

VikingLady · 14/07/2025 22:12

He’s trying it on. He’s showing very clearly that he doesn’t respect your boundaries or your grieving process, and now he’s making a move on you.

I agree with this.

I am sorry for your loss OP

Delphiniumandlupins · 14/07/2025 22:43

You need to be more forceful and direct. Take a break from him. Tell him you are blocking all communication for a month/3 months/whatever seems reasonable. You will get in touch when you are ready to resume contact. Do not try to read the backlog of messages he has already sent, simply delete them. When/if you get back in touch set a limit of one message a day and delete any others, unread.