Friend simply won't stop messaging!

[smmontana]

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

He's not being a good friend.
He either has an ulterior motive (romantic intentions) or is just very tone deaf, thoughtless and selfish. Or both.

I'm sorry he's not the friend he used to be or you thought he was. He's not listening to you or being considerate.

If you have a mutual friend you could try getting them to explain to him but I doubt that would work.

I think you have to accept the loss of the friendship.

If you completely ignore and block everything I suspect he will up the ante even more initially but eventually he'll get the message.

You could send a final message before blocking perhaps. But then you have to be completely consistent and not respond at all.

I have a female friend who sends a lot of non-personalised messages which I found to be quite draining, mainly talking about her kids or sending pictures of them. I realised she was sending out to a broadcast list- maybe to initiate a conversation with whoever might respond. I found out because I asked a mutual friend who got the same. Could it possibly be that? But you did say the messages increased recently. Either way, it is verging on harassment and he isn’t being a good friend to you or taking any polite hints. Get mad!

When my dad died my mum seemed to attract numerous men who seemed to think she was going to start making them shepherds pie and enjoying listening to their medical issues and thoughts on pot holes. It’s was really quite strange.

It’s like an entitlement thing. ‘Sheila has no husband anymore so she must need someone to tell her all about how the improvements on the A19 are unnecessary’.

He wants to get in your bank account or knickers or both.

As you have told his to desist and he isn’t it is actually harassment. I volunteered in a DV unit so this sort of thing was discussed.

You do not need this person as a friend.

You send a short, concise and clear message that he is not to contact you again, no sorry or explanation and then block him.

My sister recently lost her little boy and a friend started doing the same thing. She got so many messages it was overwhelming, eventually he asked her out on a date. Less than 12 weeks after her son died, and had the audacity to become upset when she said not yet. I'd maybe message that you're having a technology detox and then block. But I know my sister hasn't blocked him, she's so vulnerable I worry he's going to take advantage of the state she's in. Please be careful, a lot of the time these 'nice' men are not what they seem x

Is he single? As others have said he may be eyeing you up as a possible partner in the future and this is him trying to prove he was there when you needed it most.

Just as an additional thought if the messages are really mundane. You can use broadcast lists on WhatsApp to send the same message to any number of people. I know some men who OLD who use these to send lots of messages to women through the day so they are thinking they are always on their mind, but it is just a tactic. Is it possible he has you on a broadcast list. You couldn't tell from the message but you can tell from the content.

Don’t say you’re having a sm detox - be very clear: Friend, you’re a dear friend but please stop texting me so frequently, I am finding it overwhelming and stressful. Once a week would be fine but no more - I am still dealing with a lot both practically and emotionally and I have no headspace for your level of contact. Thank you, I know you’ll understand.

Some men have a massive sense of entitlement and think that it’s a woman’s job to listen to them, whether that be their latest ache and pain, or their opinions on the A19. It’s our job to listen and nod. They need someone to sound off too. It’s your privilege to listen to them 😠

He didn’t do it whilst your DH was alive as you were busy with him. Now though he thinks he’s helped you out (supporting you in your early days of grief), he thinks you owe him, and that there’s now space in your life/ a spot going for him to have his needs met. He thinks he’s helped you, and he’s entitled to be indulged. I bet he’ll get nasty at some point.

I’ve had men in my life like this. I was once touring Australia in a Campervan and some man I worked with called me up to rant about work for an hour. I was young and polite and listened but that was the last time I ever did it. My dad tries to do it with me, but I make sure he’s on speakerphone in the car or I’m doing something productive whilst I practise my best Sybil Faulty.

Not sure what to do though. When I’m away I always tell people I’ll have no WiFi and I am uncontactable. Other than that I think only a new fictitious mystery man in your life who you are super busy with, will deter him.

If you do decide to message him again once more to state your position, rather than just blocking, be mindful of how you word it.

'Dear ..' - he will take that as an endearment, and assume.

'I'm sorry ...' that's female socialisation to be nice, be kind, placate, bla bla bla.

And we don't apologise for having or exerting our boundaries. This is a statement of intent.

'Please ...' Sounds like you're asking, begging, requesting a favour.

Strip out all the minimising, softening #bekind language. Imagine you're a solicitor.

Yes, you see him as a friend - but he sees you as something else and is disrespecting you. Friends don't do that, controllers do.

And there is a reason he doesn't appear to have any other friends.

"Hi friend. I have repeatedly told you that I am burnt out and still grieving and your messages across multiple platforms feel like you're leaving breadcrumbs to get my attention. I find this really disrespectful of my situation. Please stop sending me messages and emails and videos, I will contact you when I am ready. If you can't respect my need for space I will have to claim it by ending this friendship."

He could be neurodivergent and you're the target of his limerence or he sees you as a "favourite person". I know it's taboo on MN to even suggest that a man's behaviour could be due to ND rather than just being an asshole but from personal experience, unrelenting texts on banal things and the inability to accept hints to stop is a relatively common autistic trait. Sending someone links to videos they might like is called "pebbling" and also a very common ND behaviour. Know you're widowed now could also be a factor in their attempt to increase the level of contact but a regular male would obviously know that bombarding someone with hundreds of texts is certainly not going to lead to a relationship.

Over the years I've had fleeting contact with 3 men who behaved in exactly the same way. This was through a hobby that has a relatively high ND community and all three were 100% ASD/ADHD. They were genuinely nice and enjoyable to be with but also incredibly persistent over text and digital communication. Exactly like you wrote here, it was comparable to narcissistic stalker behaviour but the content was never malicious. It was more a case of not knowing how to read social cues or understanding the boundaries of adult communication.

In the end I had to block all of them. One attempted to contact me through every other social media platform I had but after blocking him everywhere, it did stop.

Is the guy single as it seems he may want to make a move at some point, otherwise why would a guy text so much. It is very odd behaviour for anyone to message someone multiple times a day, etc esp if they have been told not to.
Agree that you need to explicity spell out to him that you are blocking him as you're still dealing with your DH's death and estate and you will be in touch when convenient (that's if you want to retain the friendship, otherwise don't say the last bit). Block him on Instagram as well.

He isn’t taking the hint so either keep the friendship, mute his messages and respond as and when you are ready and don’t go on instagram if your not bothered.
or phase him out as a friend.

First and most importantly, I'm very sorry for your loss. Grief admin is never ending, complete nightmare!
Your friend isn't really a true one. He reminds me of a dog sniffing around a bitch in heat. He wasn't attentive until you were widowed, which says to me that he is looking to audition you to be his housekeeper. AKA new wife.
You need to block him. He's not taken any notice of you being polite, it's the only way to stop him being a pest. That amount of messages would be classed as harassment in some contexts. I'm not convinced it's not the right way to describe it here too.

You don’t have to fake brothers texts or send long winded stories or be apologetic again and again.

You send one message however you put it you need to be firm and tell him that youve already asked him to stop and if the abundance of messages/emails/social media posts continue you will block him on it all and the friendship will be over.

My thoughts too, unfortunately. Wants to keep you for himself, hence the non stop contact.

And why do you think that is? perhaps others have had to put boundaries in place. I would be quite blunt, I am, when pushed. I find it works.

I imagine he is doing what is recommended for a grieving friend. He is just keeping in contact.. as you say, banal stuff that you don't have to respond to. This is just so you know he's there and when he asked in you were back yet, it was his way of asking if you were coming out of your grief.
He sound slike an amazing friend who is unconditionally there for you and just wants you to know he is.

OP, just block. Sometimes it has to be simple and straightforward for someone too thick skinned to get the hint. And yes, he fancies you.

I appreciate your friendship, and your concern but the level of messages coming from you is overwhelming for me. Please stop sending so many, there's no way I can read them, nevermind reply to them.

I think people are right that you should now say:

X, I am not sure what's going on, but I've told you I can't cope with messages at the moment, and you keep sending me multiple messages every day. Please stop. I'm not going to be able to read or respond to any of them. I cannot.

etc.

Really make it a billion per cent clear. Spell it out.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

This is my first thought.

I have a friend like this. She lost her job and increased the number her of messages! I was over whelmed with them. At first I muted them. But when it came to replying to them once a day, I still felt over whelmed with the number of them. I told her in the end that i was sorry but don't have as much free time to respond to all the messages. I would reply the day after and only to one of the messages, I'd ignore the rest. I get far less now which is great.

Tell him you are taking a break from all messaging, and block him
You can always unblock later if you want to see if he's learned a lesson