Friend simply won't stop messaging!

[smmontana]

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

Im so sorry this creep is still bothering you.

And the tone in which he writes... Still arguing and trying to "prove" you wrong.
The pomposity of his tone too.. asynchronous means "not existing or occurring at the same time." Well I'd say over 50 texts in one week is certainly occuring at the same time. So he's an idiot as well.
Who on earth has the self importance to claim that they do not consider their messages a burden?

I think I read that you have already said clearly tohim to stop contacting you... so I wouldn't wait for a further missive. I'd report him right away.. You blocked the texts, he used email, you blocked the email, he used a new one.
Surely that is enough to ring the police and at least get the best individual advice from them on what to do next.
If you can't face reporting it yourself. Please tell a friend in real life to help.

Once you report, it will be done and dusted. Do you have access to berevment counselling? I think that you need a bit help and support as this must have added to your distress. So sorry OP. Hope things take a turn for the better soon x

I would tell him again to stop contacting you, and if he does so again you will report him for harassment. And block.

He's no friend, and possibly moving into stalker territory.

You could message back to say 'well I consider your texts a burden, it doesn't matter what you think'.

Then just block his emails.

Or you could block without giving him any response, he sounds insufferably entitled and arrogant and would see any response as reward for his effort in contacting you.

OP please contact the national stalking helpline or one of the organisations on the website. Don’t wait.

https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/beta-stalking-and-harassment/stalking-harassment-support-organisations/#:~:text=National%20Stalking%20Helpline%20(0808%208020%20300)

You don’t have to message this man at all. He is not a friend. He knows what he’s doing and he is doing it anyway.

This is serious and no-one can deal with someone like this on their own, and you don’t have to. Please reach out for real help because you need support with this,

I agree with this.

He sounds obsessive, and setting up an new email address because he knows you blocked him is nuts.

You should report it now, he doesn't deserve any further chances and you need to prioritise your own safety. Hopefully a visit from the police will knock some sense into him.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this on top of your grief, what an absolute dickhead.

Agree with this. He doesn’t deserve any more chances. Hes harassing you and needs a visit from the police

Blocking him would make anyone vaguely decent realise they’ve crossed the line but this twat creates a new email just to argue with you that he’s right. What a fucking self obsessed prick

Please OP call the police and report him for harassment

And if you are thinking ‘is this really harassment / is it really serious enough to report to the police’, the answer is yes to both.

The police are much better at this these days but you might still get a dud, so don’t let anyone tell you they can’t do anything or it’s not a police matter and fob you off.

Don’t downplay it when you report it (please report it). It’s not your fault and it’s not a misunderstanding.

The support organisations have a wealth of experience and they will understand what is happening, and support you.

How do you know this guy OP - ?? was he a friend of you and your husband or just you ? - clearly he can’t take a hint and fancies making a move on you - no indications before at all?? It’s sad that by doing this he will ruin a friendship .

OP. if you are worrying about the Police going round to his house to talk to him, that may not be the first step they take.
But letting them know and reporting it, means they will be able to advise you very clearly what to do next and perhaps give advice on security. And should further contact occur, they will already be briefed.

The link I posted was for the metropolitan police (London) and the national support organisations. Report it to the police for your area.

THIS ^
1 He has gone to the trouble of using a new email address.
2 He's still trying to dismiss your argument re whether or not they are messages.
3 He's saying HE thinks they were not a burden to you, so clearly they weren't a burden no matter what you think or how you feel.

That is now Police territory and he has been stupid enough to provide you evidence in writing. Go to the police now and don't look back. No disputing it now, he is harassing you and you have told him to stop and he's finding new ways to get to you.
Please don't feel bad, he has stepped over too many lines.

This. Call 101 for advice and explain that he won’t stop despite being asked & then blocked. So sorry you’re going through this.

Do not reply to him AT ALL. You have told him not to contact you and blocked him, only for him to try and barge through using a new email. Replying, and thus continuing to engage, resets the clock as far as the police are concerned.

You really must report this to the police now and insist they take it seriously. Today.

I hope you have one or two people in real life to confide in. You have experienced enough heartache without this twat trying to bully you.

Nothing to add on top of the good advice you’ve had here, OP — just sending love and sharing my fury that you’re having to deal with this absolute shit on top of everything you’re already going through. Please take care of yourself x

This is definitely harassment. I'd contact the police so you have a crime number. Is there someone you can trust that you can tell? If it was me I would probably get a friend, preferably male, with this kind of predator it will carry more weight, and get them to have a word with him. Something along the lines of, she has clearly stated she no longer wants to be contact so please desist. If he blusters or continues then he can be informed that the police have been informed and will be continuously be updated. Hopefully they can give him a warning. So sorry that you are going through this.

so sorry for your loss op, this guy is a creep. please contact the police he is harrassing you

Have you actually told him you are ceasing the friendship and want no further contact with him, or just blocked him?

You need to send him one last email telling him you will no longer continue and friendship with him, that you want him to stop contacting you, that you see this as harassment and if he contacts you again you will go to the police. That way he is informed both that; you see it as harassment, and if he continues you will contact the police.

OP said she told him to cease the incessant messages, he then came back arguing with her. He knows she blocked him and is contacting her through a new email address to get around that.

She does not have to contact him again. This is clearly harassment and it's time to report it to the police.

Yes, police and don't engage further with him. OP's already told him to stop - it's been harassment for quite a while now.

Please don’t apologise, OP.

This is now harassment. Please report him to the police. They will take you seriously.

What an absolute creep!!
How dare he! He thinks he can decide on YOUR behalf what YOU perceive as a burden??
The arrogance of it makes me seethe. It is down to you and you alone to decide what you are and aren’t willing to put up with in terms of communication and you told him so and now he is sending you emails from a different email address to argue the toss?
Do not reply, block this email address too.
Or, if you must reply, saying something like “I am asking you again not to contact me. Any further contact is therefore deemed harassment and will warrant police involvement”

ETA: Sorry, I have just seen that you’ve already done that in which case, straight to the police. My apologies x

OP he’s just confirmed he’s a bulldozer, is coming for you, gaslighting you and doesn’t care what you think.
You can’t stop him, but the police can.
You must report him.
You poor thing you have done nothing wrong here at all
Let the professionals sort him out

Don't contact him. Don't engage with him personally at all. Don't get involved in to and fro, argument, discussion, debate.

This is what he WANTS - your attention, your headspace, your time. And he is bombarding you with attempts to get it and bulldozing your attempts to get away.

Forget any but he's still a friend, he's lonely, I feel sorry for him thoughts.

This is obsession.

This can become dangerous.

Police time.

Your posts here will be useful content for your statement.

All best, please keep us posted.

What a cunt!! I would now go to the police and press charges for stalking and harassment. Push it to the fullest extent you can - he needs revealing as the most revolting, sleazy vulture and everyone should know.

He wants to fuck you and he is a drama llama. I had a colleague, who became a friend, who became nothing because he pursued me relentlessly. I eventually cut him loose when he texted me “we will consummate our love” 🤢 It was horrendous, he interpreted my politeness and ignoring come-ons as being interested. With no justification at all.

It makes me angry just thinking about it. I thought he was a mate but he was just a dirty bloke who wanted some bloody drama. Not from me.

Cut him loose

Edited to clarify - he did all this over text. He felt up another colleague which was, for me, a massive fucking relief because everyone knew what he was and I could finally say something