Friend simply won't stop messaging!

[smmontana]

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

I knew guys that were like this albeit it was when I was a teenager and in my early twenties. I know PP say its something malicious like he's after money and sniffing around thinking you are a wealthy widow, but my money is on him being (undiagnosed?) on the spectrum and he just isn't getting the hint or understanding the social cue that he is being obsessive and suffocating. I'd firmly tell him that you are finding it overwhelming and if he continues then just block him for your own mental peace and sanity.

I think you’re goi g to have to be blunt.

Dear Fred,
I am sorry to have to say this, but I have asked you previously to scale back the volume of messages because I have so much going on in my life. You are still sending hundreds of messages and I am starting to feel smothered by them and anxious every time another one arrives. I’m asking you again to please stop sending all these messages. If you cannot do this I am going to have to block all contact with you and step away from the friendship until my life calms down again. You have been a good friend to me in the past, but all these messages are simply OTT.

Then see if he can buck his ideas up - if not then you really should step away. This is more of a harassment situation than a friendship.

Hi OP, so sorry for your loss and all this stress.
I would recommend sending him one simple message saying 'John, you're a good friend and I really value you, but all these messages are too much at the moment. I'm temporarily blocking you until I have the headspace to be in touch again, probably in a couple of months when I've sorted out this admin and I'm back home and able to think straight . I hope you understand. Love.'

He’s in stalker territory here and you seem vulnerable. You’ve already told him to give you space and he’s ignored you. I’d just ghost tbh at this stage, you don’t owe him anything.

Agree with posters who are suggesting a straightforward message. However, I’d avoid saying you'll be back in touch within a given timeframe. Without his harassing texts, you may well find that the peace suits you and that you don’t want to pick the friendship up again. Your only responsibility at the moment is to yourself and your need for space to grieve, in protecting that you don't owe this man anything. Be gentle with yourself.

This, but you don’t need to tell him you’re blocking him as that sounds a bit harsh (although I wouldn’t blame you as he deserves it) but just say you’re muting his messages and may only be able to respond occasionally.

@Teanbiscuits33 Hi. Thank you for your post. I did exactly this (your suggestion) but to no change. I also archived his messages in WhatsApp (which takes the messages off your main screen). I still have multiple unread messages though. Nothing changed.

Do this again, one last time. If he doesn’t listen, block. You may value his friendship but he’s not a good friend if he can’t respect your boundaries. He sounds quite socially inept? Does he fancy you or something and wants to keep the dialogue going at all costs? Or just lonely? Either way, he’s showing you that your needs don’t matter and he wants someone to act as his sounding board.

Do you have other friends and support? Prioritise your normal friendships and start investing in those.

I agree he may be romantically interested in you, this might or might not be financially driven.

He may have also enjoyed being the knight in shining armour, and rescuing you, and may feel he has a role and access to your life whenever he wants.

A short message would do:

’I am taking a break from all messages and sm for a while. As I am working through so much admin. Have a great summer and catch up soon’

Then block for a month. Put out of hours on your email, block all messages and texts and take time out. It’s the only way op. Regain control of your own life.

How have you done this exactly because it doesn't sound like you have blocked him even temporarily?

I'm worried op that this 'friend' sees you as fair game now you're a widow and is trying to strike up a romantic relationship with you. This is very common after a break up or bereavement where male friends prey on the newly single woman.

So sorry about your husband's passing.

please block this twat, even if temporarily. He has zero respect for your needs, how is he a friend? He's really not.

I really think that blocking is the only way to stop this. He's way out of order and isn't listening to you. You can unblock him when you're ready, it doesn't have to be the end of your friendship unless you want it to be.

You should not value his friendship, he's harassing you and pissing all over your boundaries, especially now he sees you as single and fair game. Get some genuine friends.

Tell him you are no longer interested in remaining friends with him, wish him well (if you must), then block on all platforms.

I've no advice Im afraid, but I feel your pain op. I have a friend exactly like this.
Like you I have asked 10s of times for him to stop repeatedly messaging me to no avail.
Also like you I don't want to block him as I know he has no family or friends, but it really gets me down.
I wake up every morning to at least one video from YouTube, and my evenings are disturbed with constant messages whether I reply or not.

Im sorry you are having to deal with this at a time you are feeling fragile.

Don't be a fool like I have been though, putting up with it for years.

“Not back yet no. Still overwhelmed by life and your persistent messaging when I’ve told you it’s too much is adding to that overwhelm. Please respect my wishes and stop texting me, I’ll be in touch when I’m ready”.

Sorry for your loss, yeah this actually sounds creepy, a normal person would get the hint, do you have family op? He sounds like he's trying it on, please block him, he's not your friend he's a pest.

I am very sorry for your loss OP and for the very difficult process you are going through.
Please please wise up and be on your guard. It is well known men try it on with widows for the opportunity of sex or money or both. Because of the vulnerability of the situation they paint themselves as some saviour, close caring friend, a shoulder to cry on etc but it's all an act for their benefit.
This guy has changed his behaviour because your DH is sadly no longer here, you lost a shield in a sense and there's potential for inheritance. He is stalking you, he is ignoring your requests, he is not listening to you, he is trying to wear you down to get himself an easy time. Don't trust him and don't tell him about your business with all this paperwork you are dealing with. Tell him very clearly you do not have time and energy for his communications and it must stop now. It is unwelcome. Put it in writing. Stop being nice. He is not being nice to you. He is suffocating and ignoring your wishes. Disengage from all communications afterwards. He really is only bringing trouble to you and you don't need this.
They'll be others coming along from your existing acquaintances or friends. Keep to yourself and only engage with your true friends and family you can trust.

LuckyManifestations

He's absolutely not your responsibility, and you're being used and abused too.

These types don't genuinely care about you, only about what they can get from you, they don't listen, you are just their sounding board. You don't have to put up with it.

I read somewhere, or maybe it was a podcast that talked about regularly contacting a grieving friend, even if they didn’t reply just to let them know you’re there for them. I think it as about reassuring them that they didn’t need to respond until they were ready. Could he be trying to do something like that, but getting it wrong?

id send a message explaining that their messages were adding to your stress and that you know they’ll understand you need a break for a while and will be in touch when you’re ready.

I think you block or send straight to junk mail and never respond again, ever. If he gets no response or positive reinforcement I think he must stop eventually.

Sounds a bit abusive, in the circumstances.
How much do you really value this "friendship".
I d block him on all platforms and never look back

Condolences, op.

Apologies if this has already been asked or stated but what is the content of these texts? Are they videos? Memes etc. Or are they texts that solicit engagement and answers from you. I am known for ignoring videos and Instagram stories etc. I only reply to some texts. Is it possible for you to ignore most of his texts?

My first thought too!

“You are overwhelming and upsetting me at the most difficult time of my life. If you can’t back off when requested and respect where I am in my life right now you are not a good friend at all. I will be forced to block you to get some space but I would rather you simply listen and understand that all your messages are too much. Please stop, I won’t ask nicely again”

Thank you.
Another friend has said the same, but I feel so mean just ignoring him. He literally has noone 😏

This is really quite odd obsessive behaviour. He isn’t being kind to you, this isn’t supportive. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I do think you need to block this person. Even if just temporarily while you’re dealing with everything.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. My mum died unexpectedly in 2023 and I know absolutely how you feel about it still feeling like ‘the early days’. Sending love.