Friend simply won't stop messaging!

[smmontana]

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

You're in a vulnerable state having to deal with your late husband's financial matters and he's abusing that situation. He is not a friend, he is showing you who he is.

give him an inch and he's taking 10 miles.

your OP predicted that people would suggest you block him - that's because it is the most appropriate and effective way to stop this oblivious monster, because he is clearly too thick to know how he's coming across, entitled and demanding.

please get rid of him, he's a millstone around your neck. You have no obligation to tiptoe round him to protect his overinflated ego.

He wants something from you.

He’s not doing this out of kindness or concern- he wants something.

You can value this friendship all the time but he doesn’t value it. He just wants something you have.

Why on earth should OP hide behind some pretend man?

I wondered that. Does he see you as a rich merry widow?

His friendship has turned into harassment, and not what you need right now.

You’re not a wuss or pathetic. There’s another thread running whereby a person has had similar problems with a neighbour.

You say you've been clear that you need space, but have you actually said that he's sending too many texts? Have you spelled it out in those actual words? If so, just feel free to ignore his messages and only respond if you want to. You don't have to read them. It sounds to me like you're just being too polite. Be more direct. Stay friendly, tell him you can't read them all and that you'd prefer not to get so many messages.

Some lovely supportive posts on here but this one mirrors my feelings the most.

i think I really get where you’re coming from, because I feel stressed and frustrated on your behalf just reading about it. I would feel suffocated and panicked by the situation and would have to somehow find the strength to deal with it assertively in order for my mental heath to survive.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and wish you the very best.

This, it's about him not you. He's sniffing around. The friendship has gone.

Couple of questions
How old is he
How long have you known him (before your husband passed)

Have you been clear/direct enough? eg

"You are overwhelming me with messages, it is too much and making me stressed. Please stop messaging me every single day. If I haven't read your last message, please don't send another one".

If you have already been this direct, then just block him and unfortunately, consider whether he really is a friend. But saying "I've got a lot on my plate" or "I'm too busy to respond right now" might sound to his ears like you are just explaining why you don't reply, not that you don't want the messages.

A lot of advice online about supporting a bereaved person emphasises the need to check in/stay in touch, even about "every day" stuff and I just wonder if he's deliberately trying to be supportive with the banal messages and hasn't understood it's far, far too much.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I’m sorry about your husband.

I wouldn’t send another message asking him to stop, especially one that says you’ll be in touch when you’re ready/eventually/in a few months. What he’ll hear is “The amount of texts and DMs to send to get @smmontana to respond is [however many he sent between your last message and this one].” He’ll continue harassing you, but worse: he’s got you to reply once by bombarding you, now let’s redouble those efforts!

Blocking is the only thing that works. On all channels.

We had a handyman who we occasionally had come round to do some work. He liked to talk and so did my husband. He'd do 2 hours work, then stay for another 3 hours talking. I managed eventually to wind him back with doing odd jobs so we didn't see him much.
In 2020 my husband was diagnosed with cancer and died in 6 months. I notified this man so he could attend the service.
Then he took to turning up here "to see if you are OK". Yes thank you I am. This went on for a while, every few weeks. He rents a small flat nearby, I live in our home on a small farm lot. He took to turning up, walking into the yard and knocking on the house siding. Several times I would be napping and get a fright.
I retired after a year and I took to telling him I was not working anymore so I couldn't afford to pay him. He then kept turning up offering to do work for free. He also said a couple of times that he'd been here and I wasn't home.
At that point I put a sign on the gate and a gate bell and a couple of times I just didn't go out when he turned up. Last time he was here was a hot summer day 2024 with the sun low in the sky and I stood and made him squint into the sun in his car while I told him I was busy. Haven't seen him since.
I didn't feel like confronting him so I took others means to dissuade him. If I were you I would block this man on all media and let him howl at the moon.

AGREE! Poor woman needs a man now. Vacancy in the home.
Shut his msging down. Block him and don't feel bad.

Yep, he's wearing you down. Have a good look at his situation, yours and see what benefits he could get from you. He's not being a good friend. He's imposing.

You take control of your own life.
Either you are tired of this fellow, or not.

If you are fed up with his communication simply ask him to stop funny messaging you. Insist that he funny message you fewer than once per week or you will block him.
If he does message you once per week remember to only respond sometimes. Do not tick or heart or laugh back.
Practise restraint.

If he continues to be deaf to your very polite request, block him.

How awful when you are grieving.
I think he has romantic ideas about you and the friendship is over.
The advice to send a text saying you are going off grid for the summer is good.
Block him completely.

A few years ago a grieving golf buddy mentioned how forward some of her husbands widowed friends were, she was appalled.
It was pointed out to her that she obviously was a nice prospect for them.

It sounds like this person is looking at you & seeing the ££££ signs.
He's hanging on in there with the aim of becoming the next Mr @smmontana

I know you consider him a good friend & go back a long way but what is he bringing to the table right now?
In your shoes I'd tell him I'm disengaging from all communication & social media & block him. His reaction will be interesting...

Your focus needs to be on you & your needs, friends & family should be supportive not causing stress.

Summary: He's a potential cocklodger - beware.

This is harassment.

You have set a clear boundary which he has ignored. He's making you feel uncomfortable.

He has some motivation to do this - this is unlikely to be healthy due to the obsessiveness and his lack of respect for boundaries.

I wouldn't actually be telling him that you are vulnerable/struggling because that will only serve to legitimise his behaviour as 'being concerned about you'.

Regardless of how much you value him, his behaviour raises red flags. And for this reason you really should consider blocking him.

Hi (valued friend name)
As you know I am deep in grief and dealing with a great deal right now including the admin of my beloved's estate in two countries. It's a lot. I appreciate that your many messages are to remind me that I have other friends still here and to keep me focused. However, at the moment they are adding to my overwhelm and I simply need to save my energy for essential communications. I know you would hate to be adding to my stress levels so please could you slow down the messages and be aware that I will not be responding until I am back in the here and now. When I am feeling up to it we can meet and catch up. It won't be for a while though. Thanks for understanding

This sounds horrible but are you sure hes not seeing £ signs and wants to get in your good books so you give him some money? Or try and be your next husband?

depending on how much you want him to be a friend, id just tell him hes blown it by not listening to you and spamming you and block him.

email

Dear Friend

Whilst I appreciate our friendship the number of messages sent each day from you has now become a real problem with my well-being and would ask you to please stop. Could we instead have a phone call once a week to chat.

regards

I haven't read all the messages...but wondering if he is interested in you and trying it on.

Could you text him telling him you've met someone and see if things change? If it calms right down that might give you a clue. Sorry for your loss.

This is how I’m reading it too. I’m sorry for your loss, you really don’t need this additional stress to deal with. I think at this stage you need to block him, for a period anyway

She doesn’t owe him a weekly phone call as a consolation prize for not wanting his messages!

Just ignore most of them and only reply once every few days with one quick message. Say sorry, couldn't keep up with all your messages, and don't bother trying to. Hopefully he'll get the message in the end.

The words you use to ask him to stop sending messages aren’t penetrating his understanding.
A polite request won’t do it OP. You can’t ignore that fact any longer.

You won’t want to hear this because you already have a mountain of admin and your awful grief to deal with and so an extra problem of harassment from somebody you thought to be a friend, is just too much for you to let in.

But, whatever his intention, this IS harassment and the thing is, if it ever got to the point of having to report it, you would need a paper trail of much more direct demands for him to stop harassing you.
Polite requests won’t cut it at all. They are a waste of your precious energy.

It isn’t your fault for feeling harassed by the overwhelming number of messages.
It is definitely his fault for continuing to send them.

It’s gone beyond ever going back to a ‘normal’ friendship.
He doesn’t respect you. He is only thinking of himself.
So while it isn’t your fault at all, you do still have to deal with the problem of making his harassment stop.
One final, very clear, factual, direct message without any emotion at all…..

Hello John.
I have taken advice about the mountain of messages you harass me with every day in spite of me telling you I can’t deal with them and that they add to my problems.
Your total disrespect and disregard for my wishes means I am now forced to block you on every platform until further notice.
Do not try to contact me again.
From Ssmontana.

I’m really sorry that you are having to deal with this problem at your very difficult time of grief.
Losing a friend in this way is so hard to face up to, especially under the circumstances. Wishing you the very best.