Active discussions

Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend simply won't stop messaging!

339 replies

smmontana · 14/07/2025 22:01

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 15/07/2025 00:13

agree with InWithPeaceOutWithStress**

"Tell him you’ve reached breaking point and if he contacts you again you’re reporting him to the police."

Ladybyrd · 15/07/2025 00:18

I don’t think your friend is your friend. I think he wants more than that and will continue to bother you until you end up cutting all contact. If he continues to harass you past this point, I would be report him to the police.

bert3400 · 15/07/2025 00:20

I would say ,

"Bob, I appreciate your friendship over the last couple of years, but feel the messaging is now out of hand, I don't have the head space right now . So I'm stepping aside for now until I have everything sorted my end. Thank you for understanding"

Then I would block him on every thing, when you are ready and if you want to reconnect

crazeekat · 15/07/2025 00:21

He is totally giving us all the ick.
block him. He sounds like a stalker. Nothing u say will make any difference, he will do what HE wants. Block now completely. You have nothing to lose and your sanity to gain. He wants to wear you down and he’s doing it. Take your life back.

PerkyGreenCat · 15/07/2025 00:24

Wow this is really creepy. He's harrassing you.

I'd send one final message, nothing flowery, no "sorry but" - just a very basic message along the lines of "please stop contacting me, it's making me feel uncomfortable".

Then if he continues, I'd go straight to the police. He's seriously unhinged. Your friendship has gone out of the window, he's a creepy stalker at best.

Imbusytodaysorry · 15/07/2025 00:25

@smmontana this man is a massive red flag.
He’s not friend! He is orgwing on someone grieving. Looking to get his own way when you are vulnerable (whatever it may be he wants )
You , money . Both ?

He does not respect boundaries.
You are going to have to deal with him in some way .
Honestky I’d message and tell him he is too much and you need him to stop messaging you altogether .
As he keeps messaging in different avenues this can be seen as harassment . You have asked he stops and he keeps going.

ILoveBrum · 15/07/2025 00:29

LurkyMcLurkinson · 14/07/2025 23:12

“Not back yet no. Still overwhelmed by life and your persistent messaging when I’ve told you it’s too much is adding to that overwhelm. Please respect my wishes and stop texting me, I’ll be in touch when I’m ready”.

If you don’t want to block, this is a great message & then leave him archived & never check your archive folder (until you’re ready). Sorry for your loss Op.

VehicleTracker77 · 15/07/2025 00:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

FloofyKat · 15/07/2025 00:34

Im so sorry for your loss. It’s right that you give yourself all the space and time you need to deal with your grief and the new world you have to live in.

I know you say you value his friendship but actually, right now, you don’t. And he is not being a friend to you. That bring the case, I would text him and say …. Look Dave, I’ve asked you repeatedly to respect my need for some space and time, but you don’t seem able to do this. So I’m not going to reply to any more messages from you. Then block everywhere that he contacts you.

savagedaughter · 15/07/2025 00:35

Delete all messages as they come in, never read them. If and when you finally feel like messaging him again do it on your own time as though nothing had changed at all. That is assuming you want to keep him as a friend into the future.

And I am very sorry for your loss.

junkmaail · 15/07/2025 00:36

PerkyGreenCat · 15/07/2025 00:24

Wow this is really creepy. He's harrassing you.

I'd send one final message, nothing flowery, no "sorry but" - just a very basic message along the lines of "please stop contacting me, it's making me feel uncomfortable".

Then if he continues, I'd go straight to the police. He's seriously unhinged. Your friendship has gone out of the window, he's a creepy stalker at best.

I agree with this. You shouldn’t/don’t need to say sorry if you choose to message him.

GreenCandleWax · 15/07/2025 00:36

smmontana · 14/07/2025 22:08

He wasn't always like this, believe it or not!

Since my husband died, he's upped the texts tenfold though. He was good to me in my 'early days' of grief (it still feels like 'early days' in my 'grief journey' in truth) - but something has changed - and it is in tandem with a lot of awful admin I've got to do. He's really upped the ante. He genuinely wasn't like this before my DH died.

Edited
Show quote history

I am so sorry for your loss. You are grieving and have so much on that you are burnt out, yet this man is harrassing you. You need to tell him in a really straightforward way that you cannot cope with all his texts and emails, and he must stop sending them. It is really inappropriate of him to keep bothering you like this - its unkind, selfish and unacceptable. You need to be tough and tell him to stop sending you anything, and you will contact him when you are ready (if you actually want to).
He sounds obsessive and bad news. I am not sure why you are friends with him, but whatever, please take control of the situation for your own sake and be firm and upfront. Hints are not enough.

Bollihobs · 15/07/2025 00:40

JFDIYOLO · 14/07/2025 23:46

I'm so sorry about your husband, all the best to you.

Now. This 'friend'. He's not the person he was, or who you thought he was.

His behaviour is utterly selfish under the guise of concern for you.

I think you'll find he starts making suggestions to you. He sees a vulnerable woman possibly with a very attractive inheritance just ready for snapping up and that is his way of cornering you and breaking down your defences. In your current grieving condition you are indeed vulnerable.

You don't need this. You need space and calm.

Yes. Block him. Everywhere. You've TOLD him you can't be having this level of persistence. But he's ignored you and bulldozed that boundary. What he wants, getting your attention, using up your energy, is for him the important thing.

Female socialisation to be kind, be nice, smile, accomodate - men will exploit this to their own ends.

Time to get on with your life and prioritise your own needs. Don't ask him again. Take action.

I think this covers everything - we are so conditioned to be nice, be kind etc etc but we fail to include ourselves in that!

People change and friendships change, ebb and flow and also peter out - this person and this friendship is not what it was, time to let it go.

My condolences and very best wishes for the future.💐

joliefolle · 15/07/2025 01:00

If you value him for the friend he once was and might be again one day, say in a year or so, you will tell him and you will block him. Any response, any sign of you having read something he’s sent etc is feeding this obsession. It’s not about you at this stage, it has clearly crossed over into a fixation. Maybe one day down the line you can be friends again but this is going to take many months for him to come down and move on from. He should not be your priority, but if you want to the right thing by him you must block him on all channels. It genuinely is the best thing you can do for him as well as you. I’m sure it feels awful to be cutting a friendship when you’ve so recently lost your husband but blocking now (with a firm but fair notification that you are doing so before you immediately block - don’t wait for a response - is the right thing for both of you.

Devianinc · 15/07/2025 01:22

I would just tell him he’s being to intrusive in your personal business and it’s none of his and he has to back off if he wants to be just friends bc he’s suffocating you.

Voxon · 15/07/2025 01:29

I'm very sorry you lost your husband 🌷

The man is either after you or he thinks you might not be all right and he's trying to be supportive.

I have had friends who contact too much, too often and I'm also not a texty person. I came to a point where I just messaged people "i love you but I'm opting out of texting" and I put them all on mute.

It was a bit harsh maybe, but we all have a right to consent to communication and there are people who want to chit chat all day.

Perimama · 15/07/2025 01:32

I would let him know that you value his friendship but the constant text messaging etc is bordering on harassment and taking its toll on your mental health. Tell him you are not going to respond to any of his messages for the next month or two as you need a break. If he doesn't respect your boundaries then he is not a good friend.

Rivertrudge · 15/07/2025 02:35

Hadalifeonce · 14/07/2025 22:17

I would say something along the lines of :

Please, John stop sending so many texts/messages/WhatsApps. I am really struggling having to deal with Harry's estate, and I cannot deal with the added pressure from you at the moment. I know you will want what's best for me, so am sure you will respect my request.

Agree with this, but would add "I value your friendship but I am finding the huge number of messages from you really oppressive, so please limit them to once a week."

MsAmerica · 15/07/2025 02:50

I wonder if you'd have any luck with a variation of something I'm trying with robocalls.

What if you replied to each one with just, "John, STOP!"? With whatever his name is.

nomas · 15/07/2025 02:55

smmontana · 14/07/2025 22:56

@Teanbiscuits33 Hi. Thank you for your post. I did exactly this (your suggestion) but to no change. I also archived his messages in WhatsApp (which takes the messages off your main screen). I still have multiple unread messages though. Nothing changed.

Show quote history

It’s good you muted him on WhatsApp but you need to go further and block him on your phone so he can’t text you anymore. Also, block him on WhatsApp too.

Studyunder · 15/07/2025 03:50

He has no one because of his own behaviour. A friendship is a two way relationship with mutual respect a basic factor. He’s is harassing you purely to satisfy his own agenda. This is NOT how a friend behaves.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm!

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 15/07/2025 04:06

This sounds utterly overwhelming for you. I’m sorry you’re not finding the space you need to grieve. I’d send him a card in the post saying something like, ‘ Thank you for your support recently. I am struggling to find the headspace I need to grieve for my husband. I am dealing with daily death admin and a constant stream of messages from well meaning people but need to take some time away from all the contact. I will be in-touch when I’m ready but please don’t take offence when I don’t reply to messages, texts and emails.’

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 15/07/2025 04:27

Ahhh just seen your update. He hasn’t taken your ask into consideration. I think blocking is now appropriate and this comes from someone who has never blocked anyone.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 15/07/2025 04:42

You could also text him from a male friend’s phone telling him to stop messaging you. Sign off with male friend’s name/brother’s name etc.

CactusSammy · 15/07/2025 04:44

I'm so sorry for your loss @smmontana

I'm sorry but he's after more than friendship, and sees you as available now.

I would really have a think about whether he does add anything to your life except pressure and hassle.

If not, just block him. You're entitled to peace, and it's clear what he's after, which is really disrespectful when you're going through such a difficult time.