Friend simply won't stop messaging!

[smmontana]

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

I’m so sorry about your husband. But fuck me that’s not normal in any situation! I can’t imagine in e texting anyone that much, not even DH when he’s in the office! Agree he’s seeing you as fair game, and to not stop when asked is just weird

He's a stalker, just building up to it. Ignoring your boundaries and your clearly expressed lack of interest. It's not a good situation at all.

He doesn’t sound like he’s adding anything to your life OP. I also think he is trying to take advantage of you because he thinks you are vulnerable and easy to manipulate as a result. Please be careful. Like others have said, I think he sees you as a wealthy widow he can take advantage of. Don’t feel under any pressure to engage with him. In fact if he carries on I would be tempted to ask him to stop sending you multiple messages every single day and tell him it’s adding to your stress load. Get the support of other friends in real life if he continues. It sounds like borderline stalking to be honest.

Somebody's probably already said it, but does he fancy you?

Dear Bill,

Been to the GP because my nerves are frayed and I'm struggling I'm swamped with admin. Social media and everything else that the internet brings.

GP suggested that I shut down my accounts, for a period blocking all but essential correspondence relating to the estate. I'm reluctant to do this so am asking everyone voluntarily to stop contacting me at the present time.

Many thanks all of you for your love and prayers. I will get through this one day I hope.

Love

@smmontana

There you go a round robin letter he thinks has gone to everyone.

If that doesn't work then block.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I really think this behaviour is now stalking and you should take some professional advise from the Police. He does sound unhinged. He is not a good friend, he is not being kind, he does not care. He is out of control.

Please talk to someone in real life, this is not at all acceptable.

I'm so sorry about your husband, all the best to you.

Now. This 'friend'. He's not the person he was, or who you thought he was.

His behaviour is utterly selfish under the guise of concern for you.

I think you'll find he starts making suggestions to you. He sees a vulnerable woman possibly with a very attractive inheritance just ready for snapping up and that is his way of cornering you and breaking down your defences. In your current grieving condition you are indeed vulnerable.

You don't need this. You need space and calm.

Yes. Block him. Everywhere. You've TOLD him you can't be having this level of persistence. But he's ignored you and bulldozed that boundary. What he wants, getting your attention, using up your energy, is for him the important thing.

Female socialisation to be kind, be nice, smile, accomodate - men will exploit this to their own ends.

Time to get on with your life and prioritise your own needs. Don't ask him again. Take action.

I'm so sorry about your husband ♥️

It doesn't really matter what this man's intentions are. Whether he fancies you or is trying to be a good friend or whatever, the fact is it's too much. You have already told him this and he is riding rough shod all over your boundaries.

Unfortunately the only thing left is to block him. You owe him no explanation. He may have been a good friend at one point but he's no longer that friend. I would also not see him again when you return. You owe him nothing.

I absolutely agree with PPs that hes not being a good friend and to block and delete but given your updates ...

I would say 'Really sorry but I'm going to be taking some time to myself and going offline. I'll drop you a message when I'm ready to reconnect.' Then blcok him on everything. He won't know its just him youve blocked (not that I think you should feel any guilt!) and when / if youre ever ready then you can unblock and go back to 'normal'.

It doesn't matter if he was suicidal even, he isn't allowed to make you miserable. Don't give away your peace.

He's living in a bit of a fantasy world, where he pours out his heart to you because in his vision of you, you understand it, find it interesting, and love it. And, somewhere deep down, love him.

You must have been continually nice and approachable to him, and then the combination of your need in your grief and loss, and the situation of you now be alone, has on some level made him think he has a chance with you.

You can probably not answer him for a week and he'll keep sending the messages. You've made his life colourful and he wants to share it with you, even though you didn't intend to.

But he needs to understand that you don't want it. This is hard to get across.

Some people would indeed say block/be brutal.

But I understand what you mean about not wanting to lose the friendship/positivity towards you.

I have a similar situation, this guy messages me on average 20 times a day. It's gone on for over a year. I rarely respond. But he keeps going. And now it just feels like wallpaper. I don't even read it. Because I already know what it says. And because, like you, it has turned me right off.

HIs dynamo is running with this, and it's become his daily joy, so it'll take ages for him to pipe down, but he will, if you don't want to confront/offend him.

You have to not only not answer him, but also don't read his messages. You can turn off notifications just from him. Set the message thread in your archive rather than main chat (if possible). And let him carry on on his own. Don't read anything.

You might have to hold out for several weeks. Or longer. But if you don't read and don't answer, he will, eventually, even him, start to stop.

Having said all that, there is a safeguarding issue here and also you may not feel comfortable with that wind down approach, especially as he lives nearby.

Another option is send one message saying 'I'm so sorry, X, but I'm afraid I'm not up to messaging at all at the moment' and then stop reading/ replying.

Or you tell him super plain:
Please stop messaging me. It's too much.

And if he continues then you warn him then you have him stopped.

Take your pick.
But definitely cut any contribution on your part to the conversation.

I am really sorry. You so don't need this. It feels somehow sullying, I know. I don't like it either. But I feel it's most secure if they stop of their own accord.

Just try to block it out, even if you don't actually block.

Good luck with it xx

You need to deal with the man he is now, not the man he used to be.

You are being harassed.

His behaviour is far from normal, which suggests that he may not actually be able to stop. I am concerned that if you block him he might up the ante. You will need to block him but I think that you need to discuss it with people in real life first so that everyone knows exactly what is happening.

smmontana you must prioritize yourself, not this man.

His behaviour is not normal and it is impacting you negatively. you've tried to tell him you need space. You do not owe him time, or attention, or an apology, or a promise to check back in on him. You are grieving, you owe yourself time and peace.

I think I would be happy to be absolutely blunt with him. I'd send a message "John what on earth do you think you're doing? Do you realise how many messages you're sending me? I am trying to deal with some really serious stuff here and I have asked you not to message me frequently. Last week you sent me X number of messages. The week before it was X number. The week before that X. It's driving me demented! You know I love you as a friend but you are not treating me well at the moment. I'm not sure what's going on but these constant messages have to stop."

"Fred. I NEED you to text and message me less! The amount of messages you send are driving me mad. I appreciate your friendship, and you checking up on me, but it's reached the point where I'm genuinely considering blocking your number. Stop messaging me, and be sound in the knowledge that I'm totally fine and don't need checking up on. I'm having a couple of weeks [away, off grid, offline, sorting shit out], where I won't look at my phone. If I see I've got loads of missed messages from you I'm going to have to block you, because I literally cannot cope with your message; you're adding stress to my life at an already stressful time."

I'd also stop replying, or looking at them - leave them so you can see them when they pop up, and then mute the notification.

Is he a particularly close friend OP? Are you in any group chats together? I'd consider maybe communicating more via that group chat, and less directly (If you're replying to him at all), so that if he's genuinely worried when you don't reply within a few hours/days, the others in the group chat can both reassure him ("she said on Tuesday she was away sorting out the bank stuff, she'll have no internet out there", and also see how persistent he's being, which will come into your favour if he's still sending loads of messages.

It’s a serious red flag when men demonstrate that they will cross your boundaries. For example if you’re on a date and you say you don’t want x drink, and he insists and buys it for you anyway. This man isn’t your friend as he is demonstrating he doesn’t respect your clearly stated boundaries. What other boundaries might he be willing to cross to satisfy his own needs?

Tell him you’ve reached breaking point and if he contacts you again you’re reporting him to the police.

Condolences to you OP.
Text him that you're disappointed his response to your request to reduce the amount of messages he sends you, is to upset you by sending even more. Tell him not to message any more and you will be in touch in a few months And that if he ignores this you will have no option other than to block him.
If he carries on, he doesn’t care about you, so sadly no friendship to save.
Sending strength, you don’t need this and it’s really unfair of him, I’d be quite angry with him for ruining a friendship and hassling you.

You need to show him boundaries and assert them. Send him a message explaining that you are not comfortable with the amount of messages he keeps sending and to stop it. It is not an unreasonable request judging the circumstances.
If he continues to bombard you with messages or if he reacts negatively towards you in any way then you need to block him and stop responding. True friends have respect for each other's boundaries. You may have valued him as a friend before, but he is clearly overstepping possibly because he has an ulterior motive especially with your impending inheritance ££ do not ignore these red flags. He is not a valued friend any more.

Anyone who gives you that heavy, sicky feeling in your stomach and an odd sense of dread / guilt when they contact you, isn't good for you and isn't a friend (although they will tell you they are). Would you act the way he has, towards someone you care about? I'm sure you wouldn't. But people like him, are often good at twisting things to make you feel like you are indebted to them. You really aren't. And honestly, I think you will find it very freeing, if you cut ties.

Not to be unkind OP, you come across as quite vulnerable in your post. Which is understandable, especially in the circumstances! But I'd be wary of anyone not respecting your boundaries, as being vulnerable can attract the wrong sort of attention x

The fact he has "no-one" would make me wary about having any kind of friendship with such a pain in the arse. I would block and not explain anything. If you still value his presence ask yourself why? Or is it that you can't face being a not "nice" person?
Believe me I've been in a similar thing and after feeling uncomfortable for a couple of weeks, I felt liberated from that old albatross around the neck.

Yep this. Keep him away he's looking to make a move on your inheritance

Sorry for your loss. Be extra kind to yourself. X

I'm very sorry for your loss.

This man is not a friend. He's not respecting your stated boundaries. He's trampling them like a rhino, that's how over the line he is. 58 messages in a week? That's nuts.

You're trying to not hurt his feelings but he doesn't care about yours.

I'm a widow and I agree with some of the PP that this is about hoping to move in on a widow with some money. You said he wasn't like this before your husband died. He sees an opportunity and he's pursuing it no matter what you say.

He doesn't listen to you. That's the important part. Friends listen. Friends would pull back if you asked them to. He's just barreling ahead. When you ask him to stop texting and messaging and he doesn't, that's when it turns into harassment.

That disrespect would have me blocking him. You're going to have to shut him down sooner or later. It might be time to go no contact because he's now harassing you.

I think it's pretty clear he likes you and wants something more. He wants to be the first man in your thoughts when you're ready to date again.

You mention he is giving you the 'ick' which is normally a reference to romantic feelings going awry - did you feel something for him? Are you scared of pushing him away because you see a future with him one day?