To make my 10yo pay for a broken lamp out of bday money?

[Articlesta]

Bit of a rant but curious what others would do.

DS (10) was mucking about in the living room on Sat after I’d told him to pack it in. He ended up knocking over a lamp that used to belong to my nan. Not worth loads or anything but sentimental. I was really upset.

He got £80 for his birthday last week so I took £30 of it to put towards a new lamp. Told him it’s what happens when you break stuff through messing about. He cried.

DH says I’m being mean and it’ll ruin his birthday memories or something daft. I think it’s a lesson? Actions = consequences? He wasn’t being malicious but he was warned.

AIBU? Would you have just let it go?

Not looking to get flamed but interested to know what others would do.

That’s so cruel, poor kid

@RhaenysRocks
see… now you’ve made a sweeping judgement about softer parents and the way they react to a school issue. Should any of my kids break anything in school I would come down hard but confiscating birthday money is in another realm. It’s money that’s been earned by others and given in good faith. If the child had only had presents would it have been ok to have taken one and broken it? Break mine I break yours?? Nah. My children know not to break things but accidents happen. It doesn’t work sadly that I say something once and they immediately listen and cease a behaviour. He is a ten year old child. He was crying fgs. That’s enough of a punishment surely.

I agree with this
He was told to stop
He didn't stop
It wasn't just an accident, he was defiant.
Nip it in the bud. Get him to wash the car or take the bins out or something but not his birthday money

Its not just about breaking things. It's everyone's insistence that this was an accident, he didn't mean to. No, he didn't pick up the lamp at smash it but he was told TWICE to stop doing whatever it was he was doing because it was likely going to cause damage so the fact that something got broken was down to his basic not giving a shit attitude.

I can see an argument for a slightly different amount or stipulating it comes from pocket money instead but those posters saying it's mean, poor kid, he was crying, he's only ten..if that really is the prevailing attitude now then yes I can correlate that with how kids and parents react to a school imposed sanction.

Told twice. Wow. She should have taken all the birthday money and burnt it in front of him. That would teach him!! He will never break a Nan lamp again. Child rearing sorted.
That must be where I’ve gone wrong with my 3 children who are respectful and never in trouble at school and with solid friendship groups. I’ve told them not to do something a zillion times sometimes and they’ve barely listened (whisper… because they’re kids) but that must be why they still want me and their dad to tuck them in at night, chatter about their day, show us their school work, tell us they love us with no prompt, share family jokes and make us laugh. Our family motto is We don’t hold grudges in this family. Damn, we’ve had it wrong all these years 😝

I’m glad you’re not my mum.

Is it a pattern? Was it a last straw? If not I agree very harsh

@ithinkilikethislittlelife yeah great, good for you. Maybe there's more than one right way??
My kids love me too and aren't perfect and drive me up the wall but they know damn well that there will be a consequence if they get something badly wrong when they've been warned / told / advised repeatedly not to do it. Ideally as close to a natural consequence as possible, rather than a random unrelated screen ban or whatever. We could quibble over the details all day but the issue I have are the posters who seem to be saying that nothing should happen apart from a little chat. A consequence is NOT holding a grudge...what a weird logic jump.

And yet I have a teenager who respects her surroundings because I taught her to without stealing her money.

I don't get a load of the responses here. Seems like a good life lesson to me, if you break something that belongs to someone else, you replace it. Even if its an accident! A 10 year old is perfectly old enough to start learning that.

I'd be more sympathetic if it was a freak accident but not for messing around after being told to stop.

Some parents run such a strict ship, with punishments gleefully doled out for every transgression - if the kids even dare. My mother was like that and I was frankly scared of her. I moved to the other side of the country to get away from her. She once took something away from me which I still can't believe she thought was an appropriate thing to do. I have never forgotten it. She crushed my spirit and made me so very, very wary of her. People in positions of power ie parents should wield their power carefully.

You made your son watch you cry more than once because he had caused physical damage to his room and are lamenting that your emotionally abusive behaviour didn’t make him feel guilty enough. Wow. You’re apparently an adult and parent. No wonder you say he doesn’t respect you. And it’s definitely not because you weren’t harsh enough with him.

I’d be so annoyed if I have a child money for his birthday and learned that his mum had taken it to put towards her new lamp.

If this is the punishment for a 10 year old, you’re going to get a shock when he turns 13/14 ( and run out of punishments)

That HE broke out of carelessness? I wouldn't be upset. I'd be glad he was being taught responsibility. There's such hyperbole on this thread it's ridiculous. It's not theft, anymore than it would be if I had to pay to replace something I'd accidentally broken. There's a difference between responsibility and blame. If you misjudge a maneuver and hit someone's car, noone is suggesting you did it on purpose but you still have to pay for it. Ten is not too young to learn this lesson.

I remember messing about and breaking the aerial of my mums new radio and thinking she’d go mad. She was really calm about it and told me these things happen and to be more careful in future. She was all quiet and sad and I felt TERRIBLE. I honestly think it was so much more effective than telling me off etc.

If you broke something out of carelessness and had to replace it you would enter into discussion with the other party and come to an agreement about payment. That wouldn’t be theft.

If they broke into your house or hacked your bank account to take the money from you without your agreement it would be theft.

What are you even talking about? It’s perfectly normal to be upset in front of your child. It’s also completely abnormal to have no sympathy for said parent. You won’t convince me that I haven’t been an excellent mother so take your vitriol and stick it up your arse.

I agree, I'm a primary school teacher and sometimes when we dare to implement a child with a consequence we have their parent at the door complaining about it (or they just goes straight to the head). The child gets let off and continues to reoffend. 🙈 I remember one child in a different class had a toy dinosaur keyring. The teacher had told the child to put it in his lunchbox (no toys allowed in school). She told him a couple of times then issued a warning that if she saw it again she would confiscate it until the next day (this child was known for being challenging at times). Well of course he couldn't resist playing with it again so she took it off him. He complained to his mum at pick up and the teacher explained what has happened. The parent then went straight to complain to the head teacher. Head teacher said that as it was their property and the mum had demanded it back then they had to give it back to him. Child went home with their toy and a smirk. The child continued to be for want of a better term, a nightmare for the rest of the year. 🙈

He is a child, so different rules apply. Or are we also now going to say it's theft if a parent confiscates a phone, X box etc following bad behaviour? These are v often presents so technically "theirs". Maybe that really is the root of the issue with discipline now. We've gone too far from the "old fashioned" approach and have forgotten that children are not just small adults with equal powers of reasoning ..they need us to do it for them and sometimes make the hard and right decisions for them. Not always, as ever there's nuance and balance..in the example above of the radio aerial, had that poster been repeatedly told to stop? Thats a huge factor in this for me. He was told, he ignored it, shit happened, he needs to make good.

Is this still going on. My mother used to go absolutely crazy over nick nacks and stuff

She had screamed blue murder as if killed somebody if we spilt something on the carpet or the table. You know what kids spill things, kids break things.

You are applying adult standards of logic to a child who is 10. You told a 10 year old to stop doing it and he kept on doing it. Of course he did he's a child. Children arent known for their ability to do what they're told and think things through.

10 years ago I was still a solicitor. I was a fully functioning adult. I had been on the planet for a very long time. 10 years ago, this child had just been born. He's SO young. Stop applying adult logic to him.

A lot of the things I remember from childhood and my mum, going absolutely crazy about things that didn't matter in this way.

Its a cheap old lamp. Give him his money back and tell him you're sorry.

Children arent known for their ability to do what they're told

He is ten. At what age do you think children should be capable of doing what they're told?

Prmary schools must be chaotic if children can't be expected to do as they're told.

Primary schools are chaotic. 😄

It was basically an accident. Him seeing you so upset should have been enough of a consequence, he should say sorry, end of. I wouldn’t dream of taking the birthday money, it’s completely separate.

Saying sorry is a meaningless formula unless it is backed up with some sort of restorative action. Just saying the words costs nothing and does nothing if it is not meant.