To make my 10yo pay for a broken lamp out of bday money?

[Articlesta]

Bit of a rant but curious what others would do.

DS (10) was mucking about in the living room on Sat after I’d told him to pack it in. He ended up knocking over a lamp that used to belong to my nan. Not worth loads or anything but sentimental. I was really upset.

He got £80 for his birthday last week so I took £30 of it to put towards a new lamp. Told him it’s what happens when you break stuff through messing about. He cried.

DH says I’m being mean and it’ll ruin his birthday memories or something daft. I think it’s a lesson? Actions = consequences? He wasn’t being malicious but he was warned.

AIBU? Would you have just let it go?

Not looking to get flamed but interested to know what others would do.

Omg 🤣 theft!!! How ridiculous.
I may be in the minority but I’m with OP on this. I did same when my daughter was young and it didn’t do her any harm. She learned that actions have consequences and has grown up to be a thoughtful & considerate young woman.

I agree with this here. Especially if this is a one off accident. If there is a history of him being careless and breaking things, I’d understand taking a harder line but this would still need to reflect age. I have a child that breaks things constantly but is a teenager. We have an understanding that I will pay for the first couple of breakages or minor items, but they pay for other things.

I think children do need to learn consequences but I think here (assuming a one off) as he is only 10, I would’ve chastised and punished in other way but warned him that in future he would be made to pay for broken items. If this was a teenager, I think paying towards it would have been reasonable due to the age/maturity difference.

Jeez what an horrendous thing to do to a child of that age. You can't ever replace that lamp, a grounding would have sufficed.

I think you did the right thing! Kids should learn that actions have consequences. There is too much mollycoddling of kids these days and ridiculous “gentle “ parenting. The only way they learn is with tough love. You told him to stop, he did not listen, therefore he needs to know what happens when you FAFO.

I would explain the sentiment value more and encourage him to offer to help with replacement. But yes you need to make him take some responsibility for it.

I would hope he would wrote a sorry note and offer some of his money, but only if your child isn't ND. Xxx

I disagree, if you continue to muck about particularly after being told to not to, it’s no longer an accident - it’s a foreseeable consequence.

It’s my bugbear when people do things that are bound to end in an “accident” and then expect to be immediately forgiven because they didn’t mean it, so OP is right to teach her child that if he chooses to act recklessly after being warned then he has to suffer the consequences of that decision.

But why his birthday money? That just seems vindictive. Birthday money is non touchable imo.

I did something similar when I was a bit younger than your son. My mother specifically told me not to throw my teddy around in the living room. I would break something. I didn’t believe her and I broke a vase (one of a pair) that had belonged to her father and that at the time we believed to be very valuable. I still remember a) the awful guilt b) her anger and distress. She didn’t apply any additional punishment - she didn’t need to. And I did learn a lesson though I can’t say that I never disobeyed her again. I think actually applying a consequence is OK (but especially at age 10 a better way is to discuss with him what is the best way he can make it up to you rather than taking his money). You actually don’t want him to come away from all this feeling he’s been unfairly punished. You want him to understand and acknowledge that because he ignored you he’s ended up breaking something that mattered a lot to you and to think about what he could do to remedy this.

If he saw you were upset, apologised, isn’t that enough?

Can he be helpful around the house to earn the £30 back?

Agree to some extent, but I think the lesson might be better if the punishment had been extended, ie. several weeks pocket money docked rather than all in one go.

I was raised in a way that my parents, especially dad, got unreasonable angry if anybody broke something, even by accident.
This is so ingrained in my brain that now I am getting unreasonable angry when stuff breaks and I hate it and try my best to change it.
Please, it is just stuff, accidents happen. Apologise to your child. Honestly, unless he deliberately wrecks your stuff, let it go...it is just stuff even though it it sentimental, the sentiment is in your heart

Did the lamp even cost $30! Accidents happen; give him back his money and say sorry.

Natural consequences. I’m also a big fan of the “punishment” being the natural consequence of your actions. There is a cost implication of replacing a lamp. Whether £30 is too much is a different debate, but money should be a thing a ten year old is least attached to. She hasn’t binned one of his birthday presents or his favourite toy. And it’s not like the kid has any other form of income.

If the lamp is sentimental then the money is irrelevant, which means you’re being awful.

No pocket money? Imo birthday money is a big deal. Poor little kid.

My nephew broke my car stereo once. I was horrified. It was way too much money for a kid. It was an accident. I sorted it. I'm not going to charge a kid!!

I broke something when I was 10. It happened whilst washing up so purely accidental. My Mum used my birthday money to replace it. I was very upset and thought she was mean, horrible and unkind. The meaness upset me even more than losing the money. She’s dead now and I still remember it clearly and never forgave her.

No but it happened because he.didn't do what he was told. He ws told to stop throwing things around.messing about. If he'd done as he was told it wouldn't have got broken.

@Articlesta I probably wouldn't have rajen his Birthday money because for me tgat fiesnt address the either issue really. 1. Not listening/doing as he's told or 2. The value if the lamp being sentimental.

id have told him how upset it made me. Tgen
id gave told him to find someone to repair it & told him he was saying (while explaining I was still upset because it was nans & he's broken it!!)

o

Get an absolute grip you doughnut
If you're going to impose inappropriate legal definitions then him breaking the lamp is criminal damage. And he's 10 so over the age of responsibility. Clap him in irons!

Please dont do this thats really mean!

If you really must then at least make it a nominal amount like a fiver!

It sounds like youre trying to deliberateky hurt him for breaking the lamp and its a little alarming I have to say

Brilliant reply! This is why I love Mumsnet!

That's really sad.

I remember breaking something at around that age as well. It was an accident but it was the result of me doing something that I knew I shouldn't have been doing. I remember feeling mortified to have to tell my mum what I had done, and I tried to hide it initially. I eventually confessed when I realised that there was no way of pretending that it hadn't happened.

My lovely mum couldn't have been kinder or more understanding. There were no punishments. She didn't even say a single cross word, she simply told me that accidents happen, that we all do things every now and again that we probably shouldn't, and that I didn't need to worry about it. She died a few months ago and I cherish the memory.

Her kindness and forgiveness didn't turn me into a delinquent or make me more reckless. If anything, it taught me that relationships matter more than things, and that there can be tremendous power in a kind word or gesture.

There's nothing alarming about it!

its not a punishment if it doesn't impact them. He broke something special to the OP because he didn't do as he was told. Actions have consequences & at 10 ne needs to know that!

Now that IS really mean, I presume you were taking reasonable care and not dropping heavy pans in on top of crystal glasses or something.

No I would not take his birthday money.

I would give him chores instead. Whilst doing something ‘boring’ like weeding it gives them time to reflect.