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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my 10yo pay for a broken lamp out of bday money?

215 replies

Articlesta · 14/07/2025 18:53

Bit of a rant but curious what others would do.

DS (10) was mucking about in the living room on Sat after I’d told him to pack it in. He ended up knocking over a lamp that used to belong to my nan. Not worth loads or anything but sentimental. I was really upset.

He got £80 for his birthday last week so I took £30 of it to put towards a new lamp. Told him it’s what happens when you break stuff through messing about. He cried.

DH says I’m being mean and it’ll ruin his birthday memories or something daft. I think it’s a lesson? Actions = consequences? He wasn’t being malicious but he was warned.

AIBU? Would you have just let it go?

Not looking to get flamed but interested to know what others would do.

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 14/07/2025 20:10

Birthdays and Christmas are too precious to be linked to a punishment.

Newone123456 · 14/07/2025 20:11

Wow, that’s harsh.

LintandLinen · 14/07/2025 20:11

A few broken household items is an occupational hazard of being a parent. I know I was occasionally a bit harsh with my DS when he damaged things and I regret it so much now. They’re only young once.

maddiemookins16mum · 14/07/2025 20:12

gmgnts · 14/07/2025 20:04

Over 50 years ago, when a teenager, I was larking about and accidentally broke a transistor radio. My mother gave me the broken radio for my birthday as a punishment and I have never forgiven her for that act of spitefulness, even though she's long dead!

My heart has just slightly broken for teenage you. I’m so sorry you experienced that.

Bufftailed · 14/07/2025 20:14

I’d be very cross but I wouldn’t take a ten year old’s money

Runningismyhappyplace50 · 14/07/2025 20:15

I wouldn’t take anything and £30 is far too much. I get your frustrations my DC have broken things after I have told them to stop and it didn’t cross my mind to take money from them. But I did let them know that I was upset.

Ahwig · 14/07/2025 20:18

My son had been told several times not to jump on the footstall but for some reason he turned it over and jumped on the hardboard bit and it snapped completely in half. No he didn’t mean to break it but he had been told firmly not to do it. I was very cross. He was told no tv that night as punishment. When I went to bed that night there was a letter in an envelope on my bed. He’d written, dear mummy and daddy, I am very sorry I broke the footstall. Here is £5 from my pocket money. Please use it to mend the footstall. I didn’t actually take the £5 but we had a long chat about it. I’ve kept that letter. It’s now a sweet memory and my grandson thought it was hilarious

Theunamedcat · 14/07/2025 20:19

Is he sad because he broke the lamp or sad because it cost him some money?

Sometimes you need to be a bit harsh i saw my friends child nearly get hit by a car because it was more important to them to mouth of at their mother they were more than shocked when I grabbed them out the road apparently "hurting" them (there was no mark) they "told there dad on me too 😂) I assured his dad next time I would happily let him be hit by a car needless to say he got punished by dad whined at nan and she punished him too pretty sure he learned the lesson to not fuck about in the road...eventually

DejaMooo · 14/07/2025 20:23

Ah I couldn’t, especially not from birthday money, that’s so harsh. I understand you being upset that he didn’t listen, but ultimately it was an accident. I’d think up a less harsh consequence personally.

zeibesaffron · 14/07/2025 20:24

I am with your DH - thats harsh, taking a kids birthday money. I would be really pissed off if I had given him money for his birthday and you took my gift away because he was doing what kids do!

I think I would have spoken to him about it and said that if it happens again he would need to contribute perhaps not with money, but doing a specific chore or something.

BunnyLake · 14/07/2025 20:24

maddiemookins16mum · 14/07/2025 20:10

Birthdays and Christmas are too precious to be linked to a punishment.

Agree. You wouldn’t (unless spiteful) permanently take away a birthday or Christmas present as a punishment. That is what pocket money is for.

Cheeseplantandcrackers · 14/07/2025 20:27

What do you mean by mucking around? Accidentally caught it or purposely knocked it?

You took money given to him for his birthday. I would be really cross if I had given him money as a gift and you had taken it.

Yes he should have stopped when asked but he’s a child. If it was that sentimental it shouldn’t have been somewhere where it could be broken.

You could have made him work for it by doing jobs rather than taken his present.

Ilovepastafortea · 14/07/2025 20:28

It's only a lamp. He's 10 years old. He should have been more careful especially as you told him to cool down, but he's still learning.

I think that he's learned a lesson & I'd let it go.

I'm sure that he's beating himself up for it.

Karatema · 14/07/2025 20:33

When I was a teenager, I was mucking around and broke a cup which had belonged to my DF’s late DM. I remember it like yesterday because my DM was so upset. It was irreplaceable so no amount of money could have been taken from me. The look of disappointment, from my DM, was enough. I was never so inconsiderate again.

TheCosyViewer · 14/07/2025 20:36

You were mean imo. It’s his home as much as yours, these things happen and it sounds as if it was a once off. If I were you, I’d apologise and give him his money back.

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 14/07/2025 20:39

I 100% agree with you. He was warned he ignored you he broke a lamp. I’d take weekly instalments for the rest of it too. Everyone saying it’s the theft or too harsh is ridiculous it’s not like he had no warning. Kids learn by their being consequences that’s how they learn to take responsibility. It’s just means it’s life.

mathanxiety · 14/07/2025 20:39

I'd go ahead and take some money. Maybe reduce it to £10 or £15, if he apologises and acknowledges that he should have been listening.

£30 is a bit steep, but I think you're right that he needs to learn a lesson here.

Ten is too old to think throwing things around in the sitting room is acceptable. You and your H need to put a stop to that sort of behaviour.

He's old enough to do chores - dusting, polishing, hoovering, laundry, helping with washing up and preparing meals. He will start to develop more care for the house and what's in it of he himself helps to take care of it.

Sundaybananas · 14/07/2025 20:40

Why the hell do people call punishments “consequences” these days?

Taking his birthday money is not a “consequence”, it’s a punishment. It might be a fair punishment if you warned him beforehand “Stop messing about. If you keep messing about and something gets broken you will have to pay for it” (although I still think taking birthday money is wrong - deduction from pocket money over a number of weeks would be more reasonable”).

By contrast the actual consequence of breaking the lamp is a dark living room and a sad mum. For some kids that is enough to change behaviour if they have strong empathy.

But what OP has done is be spiteful - to punish with no warning, which is really just a way of lashing out and models poor behaviours.

GirlPolo · 14/07/2025 20:42

You took a bit much. £10 would have been more than enough to make your point.

Catherine3436 · 14/07/2025 20:43

I wouldn’t, it’s really shit living in a house where you can’t have accidents. Unless it’s repeated carelessness or done on purpose I’d let it go.

mathanxiety · 14/07/2025 20:45

LintandLinen · 14/07/2025 20:11

A few broken household items is an occupational hazard of being a parent. I know I was occasionally a bit harsh with my DS when he damaged things and I regret it so much now. They’re only young once.

Maybe when kids are under age five, but a ten year old is too old to think the sitting room is a playground, and ignoring his mother and carrying on as he pleases is the making of a massive teenage shaped rod for her own back.

Her H should have been the one to tell the boy to knock it off, and he should be backing her up now. Boys learn from their dads to respect their mothers and to take care of the home.

I was strict with my DCs about listening to me and doing what they were told, and we had nice things as a result, and toys that weren't broken, and pleasant family meals.

BigSkies2022 · 14/07/2025 20:49

No I would absolutely not take his birthday money from him. Way to sour the occasion! Maybe get him to help you choose a replacement so he has more of a personal attachment to the things in the home? Or just let it go altogether really- accidents happen. Give him his money back, say you over reacted because you really liked the lamp because it belonged to your grandmother, open up a discussion about how nice memories can be attached to objects?

afuckinggoat · 14/07/2025 21:42

I'm really shocked by the responses here. OP, I think this was a suitable consequence, especially considering his age. He was warned.

To those saying that it's miserable living in a house where you can't have accidents, I would counter: how are children meant to differentiate where is appropriate to muck about? Can they muck about and cause consequence-free breakages at Granny's house? In a shop?

OP is teaching their child some solid life lessons: be aware of your surroundings, being careless has consequences, and that other people's feelings are important (and when you make a mistake that negatively impacts someone else, you have to make it right).

It's not our jobs to make our children happy all the time, and to shield them from any uncomfortable feelings. This is just parenting.

bridgetreilly · 14/07/2025 21:47

Well, I would expect him to contribute from his savings rather than take it out of birthday money, per se. But he should definitely pay something.

bridgetreilly · 14/07/2025 21:49

Catherine3436 · 14/07/2025 20:43

I wouldn’t, it’s really shit living in a house where you can’t have accidents. Unless it’s repeated carelessness or done on purpose I’d let it go.

It wasn’t carelessness. It was mucking about after he’d been told to stop. Of course there should be consequences.