To make my 10yo pay for a broken lamp out of bday money?

[Articlesta]

Bit of a rant but curious what others would do.

DS (10) was mucking about in the living room on Sat after I’d told him to pack it in. He ended up knocking over a lamp that used to belong to my nan. Not worth loads or anything but sentimental. I was really upset.

He got £80 for his birthday last week so I took £30 of it to put towards a new lamp. Told him it’s what happens when you break stuff through messing about. He cried.

DH says I’m being mean and it’ll ruin his birthday memories or something daft. I think it’s a lesson? Actions = consequences? He wasn’t being malicious but he was warned.

AIBU? Would you have just let it go?

Not looking to get flamed but interested to know what others would do.

£30 is more than enough. It sounds like his first time so yes £30 is harsh.

Only OP knows her child but unless there's a backstory that her house is getting wrecked on a monthly basis. It's very dramatic here.

Did your child appear remorseful OP??

I think he deserves to pay for it, but i wouldn't have taken it out his birthday money.

Id have asked him to give me £x out his weekly pocket money till he paid for it. He ignored you and broke something important, he should want to make that up. But you should talk to him about why youre upset, agree how much to contribute to a new lamp and then he should make an effort to give that.

If you just help yourself to his money youre teaching him a different bad lesson imo. Self help isnt how you deal with hurt feelings or damages.

Also if he made 2 or 3 instalments of £5 id write the rest off for him anything else we agreed. Its about learning to be considerate and being accountable id want to instill not retribution.

Fairer From pocket money.

Trying to imagine how I would feel as the person giving the gift - asked what your son and he said - I got Lego for £c and mum took £Y because I was messing about and didn’t listen and broke a lamp that she treasured.

Even though as the person giving the gift I have the background of the bad behaviour and the sentimental value I would be giving a treat like taking him out in future that cannot be taken away like money, a physical gift or vouchers could be.

"£30 is more than enough. It sounds like his first time so yes £30 is harsh.
Only OP knows her child but unless there's a backstory that her house is getting wrecked on a monthly basis. It's very dramatic here.
Did your child appear remorseful OP?"

How is a financial contribution to replace something he broke "dramatic"?

If you were at your friend's house and broke a lamp, would you call them dramatic if they asked for a partial contribution to replace it because you didn't do it deliberately? I'd offer to replace it, of course, and I learned that because my parents taught me personal responsibility.

Sometimes parenting feels harsh because we love our children so much. We have to love them enough to make sure we help them learn the right way to do things when they're kids, even when it feels hard to disappoint them.

Otherwise they'll grow up thinking they're the centre of the universe and not caring about anyone's feelings but their own.

When I was a child (1970s), I would have been smacked for that. Not excessively, or overly hard and, to be honest, I’d have preferred that to losing 40% of my birthday money, which just seems mean.

Different era though, I suppose.

I think this is really fair. My older child's birthday and pocket money go into the same jar, so for us, there's no differentiation. I get that other families do this differently though.
If this had been my son, I'd have talked about why I was upset, and involved him in helping me look for a replacement. I'd have wanted him to suggest a way to make it right, and discussed where he'd like that contribution to come from: immediate clearance from money in hand, or longer-term payment plan (good opportunity for financial responsibility teaching).

I could never have done that to my child. I think it’s mean, especially as it was an accident. I think talking it through with him so he realises the consequences of what happened and how upset you are is far more more effective. Taking money from him is going too far.

I think it’s fair. If it was an unforeseen accident it would be too harsh, but you’d already told him to stop mucking about. It’s very important for them to learn actual consequences at this age.
Perhaps £30 is a bit much but I don’t see the problem with it being “birthday money” rather than “pocket money” - it’s all his money, better to be a clear and immediate consequence.

I’d get a new lamp asap and “discover” that it was less expensive than I thought, so only £20 was needed, and give him £10 back.

It’s not quite the same but my son was running up and down the stairs years ago, holding a new birthday toy not v securely. I’d told him several times to be more careful with it, and sure enough down it dropped and totally broke. He was all “oh I didn’t think I’d drop it, I was trying to hold on but it just slipped” and I said “yes, I know you didn’t mean to drop it, but you’d been warned plenty of times and didn’t listen”. He had to buy himself a new one if he wanted it, and he’s been careful on the stairs ever since. I didn’t just replace it out of my money so it didn’t “ruin his birthday” - I probably would have if it had been a genuine unforeseen accident but he’d been told and told, and ignored me.

Maybe a bit steep but its done now. I wouldnt refund any of it to him - that would make it seem like actually ignoring your instructions and then breaking something isnt so bad after all.
Id find some other way to have a nice afternoon out or a treat of some kind in a months time - that way you'd be spending the money and he'd have a great time etc but would still remember the lesson of "dont be super hyper indoors cos things get broken"

£30 is too much - yes he was asked to stop but he didn't throw the lamp or break it on purpose. I would have said £10 would make the point

By the age of 10, I'd have immediately offered to provide a monetary contribution if I'd broken something after being asked to stop messing around.

Aye right you would 😂There might be a little bit of little bit of hindsight bias there!

This. And as such I think it’s completely reasonable to have a natural consequence which is to pay for a replacement. He was warned twice and as a result of not listening he’s broke something really precious to the OP. People moan a lot on MN about the behaviour of young boys and men. If we don’t bring them up to respect other people (including women like his mother!), to listen to authority and respect other people’s belongings, we’ll continue to have young men who don’t have respect and can’t behave appropriately.

So it was his actual birthday as well?

Mean

Give him his money back. He's 10.

Leave his birthday money alone and give him a pass for the lamp. You’ll never be able to replace it no matter how much you’d take from him and accidents, even daft/naughty ones happen.

He disregarded his mom twice, that is not an accident. The cost reflects fair value to replace the lamp. This seems reasonable to me. My son is younger and doesn't listen sometimes but that can be very dangerous, ie running into the road as one example. Listening to your parents is important.

He needs consequences. I wouldn’t take money. I would make him to give up something he really cares about.
(I wouldn’t get rid of it) but hide it for a week or so. So that he gets the message.

That’s harsh and theft. It’s his money not yours. You could reduce his pocket money or get him doing extra chores. But no you shouldn’t steal from him. You need to apologise, return it and rethink the approach.

It’s not really an accident when he was messing around and had been told to stop. I’d probably have taken £20 max, but I think you’re right to teach him that there are consequences to actions. Everyone saying it was an accident, this doesn’t sound like an accident to me, and mum had already warned him to stop. If his behaviour is on the decline as you mention then probably right to start being stricter before the teen years set in. You could always return the birthday money and get him doing chores to pay for a new lamp.

It's a lamp! It's not like he hurt someone. Those calling for him to be punished should get a bit of proportion. Stuff doesn't matter in the scheme of things. Always prioritise the relationship.

No, I wouldn't have punished him in this situation, and I definitely wouldn't have taken his birthday money.

I would have had an honest conversation with him about how frustrating it was that he had carried on messing around when I had asked him to stop, how sad I was that my grandmother's lamp had been broken and couldn't be replaced, and what he might do differently next time.

he’s a ten year old. as frustrating as it is, these things unfortunately do happen. as a child i was fined money for various infractions and it did nothing but strain the relationship between me and my parents. i got so nervous about messing up that i actually ended up making more mistakes because i was always so stressed and on edge, fearing the next time i would get in trouble. i was never trying to misbehave deliberately and it doesn’t sound as if your son was either.

thirty quid won’t fix your lamp, but it will damage the relationship you have with your son. perhaps get him to do some chores instead, or sit down with him and explain just how much you upset him and why you reacted in the way you did. he’s more likely to sympathise and understand you that way, and that is so, so crucial. kids always need a ‘why’.

punishments like fines and so on are also more likely to cause further misbehaviour down the line because there will be that undercurrent of resentment there. speaking from experience, your son won’t understand why you’re reacting so harshly and he’ll simply think you’re being unreasonable. just explain why you’re so hurt (and be calm about it) and figure out (with your son) how he might try and make things right.

DS continually kicks his football in the house. He's been told that this could break something and that he will have to pay to replace it.

I agree!

@Articlesta I think your punishment was fair. It's about time parents started setting boundaries. It wasn't an accident, you had told him twice to pack it in. People not showing children that actions have consequences leads to entitled teens/adults! "Oh I can do what I want, I just have to say an insincere sorry and carry on"!
A lot of things have sentimental or monetary value, why should children get away with being destructive with no consequence?
Had it been an actual accident, then yes, that would have been harsh, but in my opinion, it wasn't.

And @gmgnts I think your mother was right! Good for her! Shame you didn't learn anything from it but than to hold a grudge for all these years!