To make my 10yo pay for a broken lamp out of bday money?

[Articlesta]

Bit of a rant but curious what others would do.

DS (10) was mucking about in the living room on Sat after I’d told him to pack it in. He ended up knocking over a lamp that used to belong to my nan. Not worth loads or anything but sentimental. I was really upset.

He got £80 for his birthday last week so I took £30 of it to put towards a new lamp. Told him it’s what happens when you break stuff through messing about. He cried.

DH says I’m being mean and it’ll ruin his birthday memories or something daft. I think it’s a lesson? Actions = consequences? He wasn’t being malicious but he was warned.

AIBU? Would you have just let it go?

Not looking to get flamed but interested to know what others would do.

I think it's pretty reasonable although maybe a bit steep. Actions have consequences.

I don't think you're unreasonable in wanting to impose a consequence. And you know your child best - for some your upset at what has happened will be enough to have an impact, some would be better losing screen time or treats, others only feel it with money.

Monetary consequence is what society has decided works best for adults, even though we know it doesn't.

I would say if you'd struggle to afford a new lamp then absolutely he should pay, but if not think about the consequence which means the behaviour will be less likely to reoccur.

Taking money off a child for an accident is really mean. Definately an overreaction.

I’d take it from him. Actions have consequences

I didn’t nip my son’s behaviour in the bud (19 now) and I’ve spent years and lots of tears replacing things he has broken. I think you’re completely in the right to take some money, I probably would just take £10-£20 though as a token gesture. He’s quite young but he should have listened and believe me they can get very disrespectful very quickly. The people that think it’s mean are entitled to their opinion but the same people that will be upset if a teenage boys graffiti’s / litters outside their house etc and will blame the parents.

Ah, I can see why you done what you done, OP. Maybe trying to show him the literal cost of messing around and not listening.

What I would do now, is give him the money back and say sorry. Explain that you were angry and upset, but that you made a mistake in taking his money. I think it’s important that kids get an apology if an adult gets something wrong. But do get an apology from him, if he hasn’t already because that’s also important. Then arrange to take him out whenever suits you to spend his money, turn the whole thing into a positive.

I really don't understand why so many replies are 'accidents happen'.

This isn't about a broken lamp it's about him disobeying a parental instruction and the resulting outcome.

Nearly everything is an accident, few kids are inherently bad. They need consequences to help refine their behaviour.

As he’s not got form I’d keep the money for a week and then give him it back but tell him that actions have consequences and things cost a lot of money / mean a lot because they are sentimental and next time you tell him to behave and he continues to mess around you WILL be taking AND keeping the money to pay for a new lamp or whatever. This is his warming best take it as next time he loses the money.

As he doesn’t have form for breaking stuff through messing about I think I’d have just told him off , I think it’s a bit mean taking his birthday money .

I would be upset but I’m not sure taking birthday money is the right consequence, that’s his gift.

Id have thought of a separate consequence I think.

YABVU. Please give him his money back. As others have said, I would be horrified if I had gifted him money and you had taken my gift from him for this accident. Disgraceful on your part.

I wouldn't take birthday money as that's a bit unfair- people could have given him gifts instead and you wouldn't have taken those.
you could maybe get him to do some extra chores to "pay" towards a new lamp

Ah no, I would not take from his birthday money. But I would make him do chores to earn money to buy a replacement. This is because a new lamp would be required and you had asked him to stop before the accident and he didn’t listen. I wouldn’t bring his birthday into it.

Maybe the amount you took was quite high but I agree a consequence was needed.
They had been warned not to continue messing around but still did it, and something got broken as a consequence. If this was something of theirs that you knocked over then no doubt there would be outrage if you said you weren't going to replace it and it was only an accident.

Edited for spelling

I think it isn't great that you took the birthday money, it isn't yours to take as it's a gift given by others (unless the birthday money is from you in which case fair enough). I would however make him do chores around the house for pocket money to the monetary value of the lamp, whatever that is as an estimate and then take that off him to replace the lamp. An accident is accident but he was told to stop and his decision to ignore what you said caused the accident so there needs to be a consequence, even accidents have consequences. You break something that belongs to someone else, even accidently, you replace it.

Hes a child. Stuff happens. You make mistakes and hopefully home is a safe enough place to make them and know you'll be forgiven. Taken bday money feels like you'll only be forgiven at a steep price.

You are being mean, in my opinion.

I did something similar as a kid and my dad took it out my birthday money. I’m still traumatised by it and gleefully await putting him in a home!!

Nah not really, I was a bit miffed because I couldn’t get the toy I wanted, but I never played bouncy balls in the living room again.

No I woukdn’t have done it. My ceiling lights are missing bits thanks to some indoor football 🙄 I wouldn’t have taken birthday money away, that’s special money, not like pocket money. Does he get pocket money?

Nope. Think you're being out of order taking 40% of his birthday money.

That's exactly what I was thinking. Of course accidents happen (I'm dyspraxic - I have more than my fair share of them!) but if you've been warned twice, it's not a bloody accident.

I'd be pissed off too.

Bloody hell. That poor child. Children mess around and it was an old lamp that wasn't worth anything.

My mother used to go absolutely crazy over crap like this. I began to get the impression she cared more about stuff than me.

Give him his money back.

Over 50 years ago, when a teenager, I was larking about and accidentally broke a transistor radio. My mother gave me the broken radio for my birthday as a punishment and I have never forgiven her for that act of spitefulness, even though she's long dead!

It’s not really an accident if you’ve been asked, twice, to change the behaviour that led to it happening, is it?

Agree. An accident is something that couldn't have been foreseen or prevented. This was foreseeable and could have been prevented if he'd packed it in when told.

What I would do now, is give him the money back and say sorry.

Has he said sorry? So many posts say that parents should apologise to their children, so children think the behaviour leading up to the punishment was no big deal after all.

He is ten. He is old enough not to mess about indoors. As he gets bigger, the consequences/damage caused will just become greater.

Wow, it was your son's birthday money and not yours to take. You should give it him back and apologise for taking it.

This entirely. It was an accident and he is ten