To make my 10yo pay for a broken lamp out of bday money?

[Articlesta]

Bit of a rant but curious what others would do.

DS (10) was mucking about in the living room on Sat after I’d told him to pack it in. He ended up knocking over a lamp that used to belong to my nan. Not worth loads or anything but sentimental. I was really upset.

He got £80 for his birthday last week so I took £30 of it to put towards a new lamp. Told him it’s what happens when you break stuff through messing about. He cried.

DH says I’m being mean and it’ll ruin his birthday memories or something daft. I think it’s a lesson? Actions = consequences? He wasn’t being malicious but he was warned.

AIBU? Would you have just let it go?

Not looking to get flamed but interested to know what others would do.

Yikes, no. He didn't know you were going to take £30 of his birthday money if he accidentally broke something. I don't think it's an appropriate consequence. He's 10. Children play. He will learn but this is too harsh.

@Articlesta will a 10 year old really be hard hit by having money deducted? Is he quite money savvy or materialistic?

I'd perhaps tackle it a different way, as he broke something having already been told not to do it, so it absolutely needs a consequence. I'd explain that it belonged to your gran, that she worked really hard to pay for it, and that as a consequence he should also have to work hard at something to show he is sorry for what he did. Give him a chore or something to do for 30 minutes each day for a week!

Time serves a better consequence than money for most kids.

Utterly mean of you.

omg you should absolutely not do this. What a horrible thing to do. No wonder he cried.

Just going to reiterate again - it is fucking awful to take birthday money from a child especially if he didn't know having his birthday money taken from him might be a 'consequence'. That is a 'make it up as you go along' punishment and is a terrible thing to do.

Don’t be so mean. What would you do if he didn’t have his birthday money? I am all for making him work it off, or perhaps cutting pocket money in half for a couple of weeks

but taking £30:that’s just awful and it’s the sort of thing that he will remember forever, how horrible you have been.

ok you told him to stop but he’s a young boy and he didn’t deliberately do it

give him the money back and find another punishment

Christ, that’s fucking harsh. It would never occur to me to do something as extreme as that.

My DS is the same age and he's always dicking about after being told to stop. Throwing balls around the house, clambering around on furniture etc. I regularly say to him that if he breaks a light fitting or smashes the tv etc then he'll be paying for it. And I would follow that through with a small contribution towards the new item 100%. It drives me bananas to be ignored constantly. But my DS has a fair amount of pocket money saved up so it wouldn't come from birthday money exactly.

He just happens to have money atm because of his birthday. What would you do if it wasnt his birthday?

What if you were clumsy and broke something? Would you punishment yourself too?

I think you have gotten this out of proportion tbh.

This made me sad for him :( especially when I saw your second post that you took the money on his bday so didn't 'ruin the whole day' - do you think it was really about the lamp or were your struggling to be extra nice to him for a day? Sounds like some sort of unconscious resentment to it being about him where you've had to issue an unjust punishment.

I think I agree with this tbh. But 30 pounds is a lot and I'd reduce it to ten, especially as it's birthday money and your son is only ten.

I’d not take his birthday money as that was in lieu of gifts, but I’d be docking his pocket money as he needs to learn.

He’s ten, not three, and he was told to stop the silly behaviour and ignored you.

I moved breakables out of the way when one of my DC’s friends was that age and visiting as he is ND and was highly likely to throw cushions around the room. But my own DC is NT and if he’d ignored me and something got broken as a result I would make him make some recompense.

You’re taking your understandable upset about the lamp breakage out on him. I’m considered quite a strict parent but I wouldn’t do this at this age as lack of impulse control is well, part of being 10. He didn’t do it deliberately and if it is such a precious item I wouldn’t have put it somewhere it could be knocked off. If you take his birthday money he will always feel shame when he remembers this birthday. Better to have a calM talk with him and explain why you’re so upset, what the lamp meant to you. He’s likely to learn the lesson from that rather than a punishment

Could you get him to do chores instead to make amends? If it's sentimental rather than money then no birthday money is going to make up for it. I agree with PP to explain to him the sentimental value.

I know someone who warned her kids, 9 and 11, to stop messing on before they broke something. She was ignored, they continued and knocked over a soapstone chess board breaking 2 pieces. In her words she flipped, went into their rooms and broke a toy from each. Kids were crying, she was crying her worst parenting moment! What made it even worse was when she calmed down she used super glue to fix the pieces and they looked perfect, you couldn't even see the join!

Take maybe £10 but I think 30 is excessive.

Why not try mend it

This

ok you told him to stop but he’s a young boy and he didn’t deliberately do it

He deliberately continued to mess about when he'd been told to stop.

At what age should children be expected to take responsibility for their actions? Ten is the age of criminal responsbility.

Really mean.

people do stupid stuff all the time and break things. Kids especially who are still learning to control their behaviour.

let him keep his money.

You are mean and cruel, he will never forget you doing that. Forgive him. Go to a vintage market together and choose a new lamp.

I wouldn't take birthday money. I don't think that's the right lesson. The two things are not related. Do what you'd do when it wasn't his birthday. I'd say to make up for it he can help do a few chores or something.

If he showed remorse for breaking the lamp I wouldn’t dream of taking any of his birthday money off him.

No wonder behaviour in schools nowadays is abysmal. Children must be experiencing real boundaries for the first time in the classroom, and presumably parents won't back the teachers on those boundaries.
This thread implies that parents aren't willing to parent their children with relevant and proportionate consequences. By the age of 10, I'd have immediately offered to provide a monetary contribution if I'd broken something after being asked to stop messing around. Astonishing that anyone is calling a £30 contribution "cruel"!

I think in this instance because it had sentimental value t you, you would have been better off playing the emotions card and making him realise how upset you were, rather than deducting money from his birthday. Now the kid thinks that it’s possible to pay your way out of being uncourteous and hurtful/dumb behaviour. In the future, if he does something that hurts someone, it sets the precedence that you can pay your way out of it.

I agree with you. I have a teenager now that has no respect for things because I wasn’t harsh enough. He watched me cry about the state of his room (actual damage not just a mess) time and time again, not all children have empathy and feel guilty when they see their Mum upset. My son didn’t even put his arm around me when I was crying. I should have been much harder on him and am paying the price now!