Wife work - no thanks

[whistlesandbells]

Quiet small victories of showing up for yourself in a relationship. DH ‘suggested’ that he goes out to the cinema with his 17 year old son 2 days after his mother arrives from overseas for a two week visit. I said absolutely not: your mother, you invited, you entertain. I really like my MIL btw.

The following week I am traveling with our shared 2-year old alone and he has that week to do all this undisturbed and no house guest.
There is no way I would invite my mother to visit then go out and leave him to it. 🤯 The expectations on women are wild.

@whistlesandbells i don’t think your husband going to the cinema with his son should be an issue at any time of year. I think your expectations here are unrealistic.

So you think it's acceptable for the host to leave the guest in someone else's company (that hasn't consented to this) in order to go to the cinema? Would you do this to your parent if they were visiting? Just leave them with whoever happens to be home?

I'm with you op. Fair enough had he asked you and you were totally on board with it. But that's not the case here.

Yes, as my parents and in-laws are adults who I’m sure wouldn’t begrudge a parent having an evening with their child.

You have a right to your opinion. I have the right to not be left entertaining his mother so he can go to the cinema a day after she has arrived. The film is on for weeks, btw.

I work full time and he has a child free week to spend as he likes the following week. I certainly never expected similar from him with my parents. I don’t like the assumption he made that this is okay to put on me. 🤷‍♀️ I feel better for saying no rather than resentment.

Why don't you all go to the cinema together, as a family outing?

YANBU, I can just imagine a reverse if this situation, it simply wouldn’t happen. “DH, I’m off out for the day with DC and friends, mums staying and you will be expected to entertain her all day when I’m out”

unbelievable.

Also, an 85 year old woman has got on a plane to visit you (needing all kinds of assistance) and you go out on the second night. It’s a bit bloody rude, but there you go.

You are in the right OP.

is this standing up for yourself a new thing? How did he take it?

Nice idea but it is at 7pm and I have to look after and put our two year old to bed.

Good for you op, I can't imagine a woman inviting her own mother to stay and then fucking off on a jolly cinema trip with their teenager and leaving her husband to entertain! What a git.

In fairness, he took it well. I am just satisfied that I did speak up and did so in a non reactive way of “this doesn’t work for me.”
Sometimes it’s necessary to remind anyone to not take you for granted or assume.

Good on you.

Well done, I am right with you on this (and I like my MIL and also really like my DH, who wouldn't ever presume to pass on this type of obligation to me). I'm glad he responded appropriately and adjusted his plans.

At 7pm what on earth does the Mil need? You go see to your child and let her get on with it?? Or she can just go to bed.
yabvu, it’s hardly a full day that they want to go to a movie

Good for you OP! Too many women just accept this sort of treatment, and it's really not on in my book! If a man wants his relations to visit, then he's the one who should entertain them, drive them around, etc., if required. Not expect his wife or partner to do it for him.

Fair enough. I see your point but I have already given up my bedroom for MIL to sleep in and we are sleeping on an air mattress in a kids room for two weeks. I don’t mind this at all, but I don’t see why I should potentially have to put my child to bed, then entertain (she won’t go to bed at 7pm) and then sleep on an air mattress. Meanwhile the person who invited their guest is out. Perhaps I am wrong but I wouldn’t do this to DH.

Why doesn't he take Grany to the cinema too? I'd have thought she might like to see her grandson.

This is an option he has not considered. I don’t know if grandma will like a zombie apocalypse film tbh. But it does mean that both her son and grandson think it is okay to go out on day 2 of her visit. I’m not down with this. As I say, the film is on for weeks and they can go anytime the following week (day or night) as I am traveling with the 2 yr old.

Do you not normally speak up op? You seem really pleased you did this, but would be second nature to me, I would not expect or accept this, no. His poor mother that is so shoddy on day two. I’d definitely think less of him. He can go to the cinema at any time.

I feel like that would be a fair comment if she had been there for a week already - but she will literally just have arrived two days earlier.

Sorry, my post was supposed to quote this one. Not sure why it disappeared off the post!

Well done OP.
Yanbu.
A rude cheeky fxxker suggestion by him.
Keep your wits about you with him!

I am pretty chilled in general. We both can be. If one of us wants to go out then that is fine. But I don’t think, in this example, it is okay. It doesn’t sit right with me to go out on day 2 of a visit like this. I would not do it and don’t expect a partner to do it. I’m glad I spoke out.

YABU referring to it as Wife Work. YABU in your approach to your family and extended family. YABu in trying to weaponise his suggestion for time with his son.

Just say no.

YANBU, very poor form for the host to disappear so soon after arrival.