Wife work - no thanks

[whistlesandbells]

Quiet small victories of showing up for yourself in a relationship. DH ‘suggested’ that he goes out to the cinema with his 17 year old son 2 days after his mother arrives from overseas for a two week visit. I said absolutely not: your mother, you invited, you entertain. I really like my MIL btw.

The following week I am traveling with our shared 2-year old alone and he has that week to do all this undisturbed and no house guest.
There is no way I would invite my mother to visit then go out and leave him to it. 🤯 The expectations on women are wild.

I did all that because I love my family and I treat a guest with respect. What I won’t do is be disregarded and told how my time will be spent. That is also a choice I suppose.

I get a OP. But it sounds like the cinema trip could possibly have been the straw that broke the camels back, after all the other things you’ve done in preparation for this visit.

I’m also curious about your use of the word ‘wild’ in your first post. Wild in what way?

Of course YANBU OP.

Of course he doesn’t invite his Mum or any other guest and then bugger off and leave them. That’s nuts.

Some posters just fall over themselves to be contrary.

Wild to me as I would never contemplate going out on day 2 of any visit (by anyone) on a non essential trip.

Also note the poster who says grandma would probably like everyone to piss off and have a sherry and some peace. I fully agree but then she can do that in her own home (and does).

I consider bickering to start when there is resentment. Maybe there is some. Hence why I said no today.

To be fair this does sound like you’ve done quite alot of wife work here! Which is fine if it’s your choice, but perhaps your title should be “I say no to any more wife work on top of the huge amount I’ve already done”!

And I repeat, I never did, or would expect, my partner to entertain my house guest (family or not)

I think this is the crux of it, what you are describing would not bother me in the slightest, and it wouldn't bother DH either, we're all family and sometimes it's nice to spend a bit of one on one time with visiting guests, I like my MIL and probably spend more time with her on my own than we do together anyway.

I think you are being ridiculous referring to it as women's work and it actually says a lot about the state of your marriage that you would be offended by something like this IMO. Did he invite her against your wishes or something? Because calling your MIL and the grandparent of your children HIS house guest is quite telling, surely she is a guest of you both and doesn't require him to be there at all times (although you obviously require it!).

You are completely right, it is telling. She is his guest and that’s why I expect him to be at home (on day 2) to be with his mum. When I have a friend visit they are my guest and I am responsible. I have no family any longer, so this scenario will never be tested.

Fair!

OP, I agree. My DH has a form for this. He invites his parents, who live abroad and have zero English, to stay, and then he fucks off to work. leaving me with them both and toddlers in a 2 bed flat. It's gotten worse, though. Now we have moved, as he still brings them over, and the kids are teenagers, not interested in sitting at home with the grandparents, and I am working F/T. I refuse now to look after them. They're very nice people, but have zero independence.

Also note the poster who says grandma would probably like everyone to piss off and have a sherry and some peace. I fully agree but then she can do that in her own home (and does).

But she's 85, she's absolutely not going to want to be keeping up with an entertainment schedule and will really need some down time whilst she's with you.

I get you OP. You did a load of prep work and now DH is saying he wants to go out. The answer is next time let him do the prep work, don't take it on yourself if he can't be arsed = no resentment necessary.

It's his mother, she shouldn't need entertaining at all times. If my mum was with me for a long visit I'd spend some time doing my own thing too.

I’m shocked at the number of posters who think this is ok.

Has grandma even seen her 17year old grandson on this visit?

He’s treating you like staff OP. You don’t exist just to make his life easier. I hope you stand up for yourself a lot more in future. And that next time MIL comes to visit he plays a far more active part in prepping for her visit as well

I’m with you op.
My DH is self employed; I am currently unemployed about to start a business.
My MIL comes over and my DH of course gets the freedom to carry on working.. I am expected to host.. I wonder how this will work when I am also working officially! I suspect that because I am ‘working from home’ mostly and self employed (read ultra flexible) that nothing will change in anyone’s expectations!!!

When both my parents were in hospital, and Dad was dying, my late husband sat and held my mum's hand all day while my sister and I were with Dad. He did it because we were all family. I am so glad we had a relationship where his family were mine, and mine his.

And if your mum was visiting you would book cinema for you and your older dc and your dh would happily entertain your mum and toddler?

Well done OP. You'd have been expected to make dinner for her too at that time, whilst trying to get your 2 yo to bed. Do you think your DH was planning it 'on purpose' or just being careless and not thinking through?

Why couldn't he take his mum and son together for a cinema night?

Grandma arrives night before. She is 85, has a broken wrist (been in a cast 3 weeks now), needs assistance to fly and has arranged this by herself. Recently bereaved before Xmas. Grandson won’t have spent time with her at that point. Me and DH don’t bicker. 2 year old goes to bed at 7pm.

I know if I had done this to my own mother and said I was going out she would have told me I was rude. She wouldn’t have held back 🤷‍♀️.

I really don’t think it is a good way to treat a guest on day 2. After a week, sure. Not day 2.

Thst is exactly as it should be. I sat with my MIL at Xmas in the same way. My own mother had died in September. But that isn’t what I have issue with, it’s being expected to host without being consulted on day 2 of a visits that has barely begun.

Again I am sorry for your loss and glad your DH supported you (and your mum).

Maybe he could, mobility is not great but it is not impossible. But I expect they want to go by themselves which is also great but can happen the following week of her visit.

Ah OK. I keep seeing “wild“ on MN. Context tells me it means something like outrageous never see it or hear it anywhere but on this website.

Most definitely thoughtless and not calculated.

Well said op!

Maybe we’re a bit odd but we’re both well integrated into each others families. I have coffee with my MIL often, doesn’t bother me and I don’t see it as women’s work.

On the second night isn’t the night of the arrival and as it’s for his kid - not a booze trip or something else which is self involved. I really don’t get the hostility 🤷‍♀️

I guess this is the difference between those who like their in laws and those who struggle 1:1.

So you and I are friends...you invite me to stay at yours...then one night take your kid to the cinema leaving me behind and you think that's acceptable? Yes your partner's here but I'm your friend not theirs.