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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wife work - no thanks

159 replies

whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 18:50

Quiet small victories of showing up for yourself in a relationship. DH ‘suggested’ that he goes out to the cinema with his 17 year old son 2 days after his mother arrives from overseas for a two week visit. I said absolutely not: your mother, you invited, you entertain. I really like my MIL btw.

The following week I am traveling with our shared 2-year old alone and he has that week to do all this undisturbed and no house guest.
There is no way I would invite my mother to visit then go out and leave him to it. 🤯 The expectations on women are wild.

OP posts:

coxesorangepippin · 15/07/2025 20:08

Similar situation here really

A neighbor's mother has arrived from abroad, but it's the son in law who is taking her for days out whilst her daughter is at home

Bit bizarre but each to their own

anon666 · 15/07/2025 20:51

Its so rude to invite his mum then make other arrangements!

I couldn't agree more.

I adore my MIL but I hate the way dh reverts to being a baby bird in the nest whenever she stays.

He's either leaving it all to me, or it's a performance of how great a husband he is as he clatters his way around the kitchen like a bull in a china shop.

Arranging to go to the cinema leaving you all in together is rude.

SouthernNights59 · 15/07/2025 21:39

nomas · 15/07/2025 03:23

Because liking someone is very different to being responsible for hosting them all evening. I like my MIL but she gets lonely so she talks a lot and it takes a lot of concentration to keep up with her. It’s much easier when DH is here as he can talk to her about all the people she knows, her memories etc.

Show quote history

The day I find it difficult to concentrate long enough to chat/listen to someone for a few hours you might as well put me out to pasture. Honestly, wtf is wrong with people

Devianinc · 15/07/2025 23:14

whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 19:02

You have a right to your opinion. I have the right to not be left entertaining his mother so he can go to the cinema a day after she has arrived. The film is on for weeks, btw.

I work full time and he has a child free week to spend as he likes the following week. I certainly never expected similar from him with my parents. I don’t like the assumption he made that this is okay to put on me. 🤷‍♀️ I feel better for saying no rather than resentment.

I totally agree with you. Is he freaking kidding. Tell him to take his mother to the movies and leave you and your son. Then take your son out to dinner that night. Get filet mignon au poirve and truffle fries on the side. I know I spelled the peppercorn sauce wrong, too lazy to figure the right spelling. Then the next night you take your son to the movies. He can entertain his mother.

HotCrossBunplease · 15/07/2025 23:42

Not really getting the big fuss about “Day2!”. It’s a 2 week visit, surely the whole point is that she just becomes part of your household for a couple of weeks and there is no need to schedule entertainment for every minute. Day 1 is the big hello and initial catch up then Day 2 a bit more settling in, possibly still getting over some jet lag. I think it would be a bigger deal if he wanted to go out towards the end of her visit when time was running out to do nice things.
Can’t really identify with your outrage to be honest. Sorry you lost your own Mum (mine has also passed away) but I think it is colouring your judgment and making you pick fights because you resent his being still here when yours is not.

Diblin93 · 16/07/2025 03:22

Go gurl. I agree with you

orwellwasright2025 · 16/07/2025 03:27

whistlesandbells · 15/07/2025 17:18

Thanks to everyone for replying and for all your comments. Interesting to hear all the perspectives. The outcome was that my DH said “no problem… we will go the following week”. He is also out tonight with his son and they’re having a lovely time.
The motivation for my post most definitely came from a place of being pleased with myself for speaking up and doing so in a direct but non reactive way. This leans into the Mumsnet adage that you should communicate and say what you want to your partner freely. Quite honestly, Mumsnet taught me this.

Thanks to several posters who pointed out I have already done most of the “wife work”. I have to say this is true. I also need to say that the list of things I outlined as having done I enjoy (apart from the cleaning which I loathe). However, I prefer cleaning to being default host and that was my red line. I also have a skill set that makes all those things I did very much easier than it would be for DH - is my skill set being female or is because I am very logistical: can juggle admin and I run big and the small events? Who knows?

My MIL lives alone and the aim of the visit is to give her a good time, company and a change from the usual. It is not to leave her alone in a different house and I would like my DH to practically show up for this.

The role of default carer, which is what I think “wife work” really is, most definitely resonated with some posters who have found themselves annoyed and wanting to resist being expected to be on call, support and solve. Yesterday I did not want to be in that role so I said no thanks.

And quite right. Glad you stood up for yourself.

657904I · 16/07/2025 04:14

I don’t think this is the best example of things, but yeah he can entertain his family when they visit. Just like if your mum is visiting, he might find it awkward to be alone with her in the evening when she might want company or to mill around the house instead of retiring to bed.

Personally though, I wouldn’t be giving up my bed for 2 weeks to facilitate this visit especially if I’m travelling the week after.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 16/07/2025 09:13

I said exactly the same to my DH when he crept off into the office to his laptop the evening after his mother arrived for a few days. Fuck that. Be an adult and entertain her.

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