Wife work - no thanks

[whistlesandbells]

Quiet small victories of showing up for yourself in a relationship. DH ‘suggested’ that he goes out to the cinema with his 17 year old son 2 days after his mother arrives from overseas for a two week visit. I said absolutely not: your mother, you invited, you entertain. I really like my MIL btw.

The following week I am traveling with our shared 2-year old alone and he has that week to do all this undisturbed and no house guest.
There is no way I would invite my mother to visit then go out and leave him to it. 🤯 The expectations on women are wild.

The OP has never said that.

She has said DH should not go out in the evening on day 2.

I don't know what the massive deal is about "day 2." She's there for 2 weeks, 1 evening spent alone isn't going to kill her.

OP could take her 2 yo to bed and then get an early night, ask MIL to babysit her grandchild or book a babysitter for the 2 yo and go out herself, sit quietly in the living room or even just enjoy her MIL's company and enjoy a couple of hours of time with her.

I'm sure MIL does not expect her to provide a live performance with an elaborate dance routine. It's just sitting in the same room as someone you supposedly like and talking with them for a short time.

it is bloody rude, and I’m with you on the wife work. Well done for pushing back

He can take his mother with him when he goes out. He invited, he entertains.

Absolutely correct.

He's working full time during her visit so evenings will be the only time he'll see her

If she was 55 and fit perhaps she would be off doing her own thing - but she's not - the DM is 85, mobility impaired and has a casted broken wrist and has to have booked assistance to fly and visit. Until she arrives it will be impossible to know how well she can manage
Also OP and her DH are working full time during her stay so they will be leaving her at home alone for 8+ hours . is it too much to ask to spend a little time with the guest in the evening who is making a difficult journey from abroad?

I would be pretty upset if I went to visit a relative, dealt with the horror that is airport assistance - my relatives went to work all day and then had arranged to go out in the evening without me for a cinema trip that could be done when I gone.

@whistlesandbells When you say ‘he invited her’, surely as a married couple you’re both inviting her - as a married couple you’re surely inviting his mum to stay with your family?

Of course, life happens, but this did get me to thinking about how come he appears to be on his second family? No slight at all as I do not know the details, but it might be something you kind of have to teach him OP. Some men are really not very good at relationships!

As OP has already said they really like their MIL I can't see why this is an issue, and yes, I would have left my partner with either of my parents for a while - they would probably have had a better time than if I had been there.

Because liking someone is very different to being responsible for hosting them all evening. I like my MIL but she gets lonely so she talks a lot and it takes a lot of concentration to keep up with her. It’s much easier when DH is here as he can talk to her about all the people she knows, her memories etc.

Well done OP, you have already done too much.
He sounds thoughtless and lazy.
Time you put your foot down a lot more.
You are grieving your own mother yet he still expects you to be doing the heavy lifting with his visiting mother.

Being easy going and chilled inevitably gets taken advantage of by selfish thoughtless men.

Mind yourself.

I do like my MIL. But I don’t want to be default host. I didn’t actually like my own mother, love yes, but not like. She was hard work and I still wouldn’t have gone out. Or delegated to my partner to do so.

Yes, she rarely visits and won’t be here forever, hence why I think some respect should be paid to that by her son and her grandson.
I cannot go out for dinner with her and look after a two year old around bedtime. And even if I could, I don’t want to.
Another suggestion was that she babysits and I go out - she is not here to run around (she cannot) after a two year old.

Can you imagine a woman inviting her mother to fly from another country to come and stay with her for 2 weeks, and then on the second night, leaving her at home with her husband to go to the cinema with someone else? Can you actually imagine that happening? Wouldn’t most people consider that odd at best, and downright rude at worst? Why is society so accepting of men being downright rude, socially oblivious and inconsiderate?

But that's a quite different scenario isn't it? Husbands and wives splitting chores and responsibilities in ways that best suit them is one thing, this was something else entirely. What OP is rightly objecting to is her husband suddenly deciding to go out with DS the day after his elderly mother has arrived from overseas and expecting OP to entertain her for the evening without any consultation, while OP still has to deal with bedtime for her two-year-old and her usual evening household chores. It's hardly welcoming behaviour, is it? In fact, I'd say it was damn well rude. Furthermore, it is probably also symptomatic of the attitude that so many men have about their wives in terms of always expecting them to pick up all the domestic, childcare and social slack without so much as a word, in order to satisfy his so much more important masculine needs and desires. OP pulled her DH up on it - good for her! - new arrangements were made and now everyone is happy. If her husband had been less thoughtlessly selfish in the first place, this wouldn't have happened.

You've literally done all the wife work for your MIL's visit. I wouldn't be so sure this is just lovable thoughtlessness from your husband. Being less chill with your expectations of him will do wonders.

But can't you do that anyway? Who says that you have to sit on sofa next to MIL all evening?

As a parent to adult kids I'd be perfectly capable of reading) doom scrolling for a couple of hours by myself while they did other stuff

The MIL is 85, and sounds like OP knows she wouldn’t like being left to her own devices

Similarly my MIL would feel a bit abandoned if she was left alone the day after she arrived. DH just wouldn’t do it to her.

Wonder what the MIL does at home then? Obviously OPs husband isn't there all the time

My DDs grandma ( exes mum) is 83. Often stays with DD but gets left to watch TV or read magazines while DD is dealing with kids or goes out

Thanks to everyone for replying and for all your comments. Interesting to hear all the perspectives. The outcome was that my DH said “no problem… we will go the following week”. He is also out tonight with his son and they’re having a lovely time.
The motivation for my post most definitely came from a place of being pleased with myself for speaking up and doing so in a direct but non reactive way. This leans into the Mumsnet adage that you should communicate and say what you want to your partner freely. Quite honestly, Mumsnet taught me this.

Thanks to several posters who pointed out I have already done most of the “wife work”. I have to say this is true. I also need to say that the list of things I outlined as having done I enjoy (apart from the cleaning which I loathe). However, I prefer cleaning to being default host and that was my red line. I also have a skill set that makes all those things I did very much easier than it would be for DH - is my skill set being female or is because I am very logistical: can juggle admin and I run big and the small events? Who knows?

My MIL lives alone and the aim of the visit is to give her a good time, company and a change from the usual. It is not to leave her alone in a different house and I would like my DH to practically show up for this.

The role of default carer, which is what I think “wife work” really is, most definitely resonated with some posters who have found themselves annoyed and wanting to resist being expected to be on call, support and solve. Yesterday I did not want to be in that role so I said no thanks.

You're so right OP. A woman would just simply not expect their husband to entertain their mother alone on the second night of an overseas visit. It drives me mad how my husband seems to expect me to plan, buy and wrap his family's birthday and Christmas presents. I've stopped doing it now, but I did it for years!

😂😂😂😂😂😂

the untold expectations are the nightmares of this society. « I want to look like … » but I will not do the work so I am going to get married so I can have the convenyancy to dump it on someone else. Plus I can call it « care for you » and look even better. My oh my…

this is serious ! 👀😂😂😂

Yeah but I don’t think that this is an issue to be the default carer. The problem is to whom?

Your hubby should know whom he can spring on you no problem at all (children? SIL? Fav aunty?) and whom never to do so (children?SIL?his fav aunty?).

It is more a matter of respecting the other one and to give credit for the wife work done. To a certain extent…it forces men to also acknowledge their weird relatives that they certainly don’t want to be dealing with whilst expecting their partner to love and care. Women are still very much treated as property.

Lovely reply of your DH btw…

I thought immediately that granny would like to see her grandson..but my thought was why the bloody hell is the dad going out and taking grandson, when he should be taking grandson and granny somewhere they can spend time togther - cinema isn’t it

sounds like neither DH or his son (ok teenager I assume so I’ll cut some slack) can be bothered with grunt work of engaging with his mother/granny if there is something better they can do and do the misogynistic DW/step mum and granny can do “women’s stuff togther ”

op is right to say bollocks to that . His mum. He hosts by being present to show he cares about his mum.

YANBU. I think too many men just assume that their wife/partner will meekly accept being put upon. I think your DH was totally out of order!