Wife work - no thanks

[whistlesandbells]

Quiet small victories of showing up for yourself in a relationship. DH ‘suggested’ that he goes out to the cinema with his 17 year old son 2 days after his mother arrives from overseas for a two week visit. I said absolutely not: your mother, you invited, you entertain. I really like my MIL btw.

The following week I am traveling with our shared 2-year old alone and he has that week to do all this undisturbed and no house guest.
There is no way I would invite my mother to visit then go out and leave him to it. 🤯 The expectations on women are wild.

He’s going with his son the week after now which suits everyone. Also, they’re going out together tomorrow and he is also out on Thursday with friends. He was out on Friday for a leaving do (we work in the same place). I was fine with all this. I also get on great with both my step children but I am not comfortable with becoming default caregiver and not consulted. It is rude to invite a guest from overseas then go out.

I don’t think our two year old has the same needs as a 17 year old, so I wouldn’t know about that scenario. It’s never happened.

My friend continued to work after her husband retired. Her mother lived with them both. Her husband acted as his MIL's carer during the day ( and whenever his wife went out for the evening) . I know so many men ( my BIL for example) who visited my very elderly mother one afternoon a week for the last three years of her life because her regular carer was unavailable.
I am grateful for the sustained effort my husband made for my mother before she died. He mowed her lawn. mended stuff, did the garden and shared a cup of tea with her, on his own.
How some posters on here would disapprove. He never once complained of 'husband work' to me.

Some expectations are plain weird.

One of my ex's had a very difficult mum, determined to interfere, wanted to buy his pants and towels and crockery. Wanted a key to our house.
My dm by that time was a gossipy old lady who repeated her stories a lot.

I was careful not to inflict my dm on ex because I knew she could be a bit frustrating. I always took her calls, visited her alone, managed her needs.

One day we were watching the rugby Cup final with friends, phone rang, ex answered it, came back and said his mum wanted to speak to me. She just wanted to chat about his plans to build an extension. I said we're watching the cup final, Chris will ring you back later, bye. And hung up.

Not sure why I was expected to field his dm about his plans so he could enjoy the rugby. 🙄
I protected him from my dm. I expected him to show me the same consideration.

If it's his mum staying for a fortnight surely she doesn't need constant " entertaining" Nothing stopping the OP going out either

It's a couple of hours during a two week stay. An opportunity to have a cuppa and watch telly with an old lady you say you like. It doesn't seem that big an ask.

Nope, clearly the issue is that it’s HIS mother, HIS guest. 🙄

I dont see an issue with going to the cinema. But I don't understand people who feel house guests need 24-7 supervision and entertainment. She could surely have an evening reading, watching TV, going for a walk just relaxing and im sure doesn't need to be supervised by you or ur husband?

I’d hardly say he “doesn’t want to see his mother” because he’s going to take his son to the cinema for a couple of hours at one point during her 2 week long trip. Especially in the evening.

Who said anything about a mansion or another wing?

And no it really isn’t rude to leave such a close family member to enjoy the TV with a cup of tea while you do whatever you want or need to do of an evening. Your or his mother shouldn’t need constantly entertained and seeing to every waking hour for 2 weeks. It’s not at all rude…it’s family!

Did anyone actually ask you to give up your time? Has anyone said you need to put on a dog and pony show for your MIL for the two hours your husband won’t be there? Are you honestly not going to be alone in the house with your MIL at all for 2 weeks? If your DH is home are you just not going to chat with your MIL at all because your DH is there she’s “his guest”?

Do you not think “yeah sure, but remember I’ll have to get wee Jimmy ready for bed at that time and then I plan to do XYZ, but I’m sure your Mum will be happy with a cup of tea and the TV right?” is a more measured response to his request?

If you’ve created a situation where close family expect to be attended to constantly for the entirety of a 2 week visit then it sounds like you’ve actually completely fallen for wifely expectations. “There’s biscuits in the cupboard Brenda, I’m off to put Jimmy to bed and then do a bit of work” is perfectly fine and you only think it’s “rude” because you’ve fallen for the BS that we have the entertain and delight people constantly. Men don’t fall for that which is why your DH doesn’t see an issue with going out for 2 hours.

I find this really weird, it is family! You’d be shocked to hear my in laws have visited and both DH and I have gone to work and left them at our house. And my parents have visited and I have left the house with them and DH in it. We have both even visited our respective in laws with our kids without our spouse. Surely most people can spend some time with their MIL without their DH around ?

That’s a big assumption. I cleaned the house from top to bottom, given up my bed, booked them a mini break together, only person who has planned activities for all of us that they want to do, gone to collect a 1000-piece jigsaw for her from my friend and got the cereal she likes in… I like my MIL and have done it with pleasure. That is as far as I am willing to go 🤣 Her son has not made these efforts, so I think it is fair to say nope, maybe go to the cinema another day.

I think you’ve missed the point, the point being dh leaving OP to entertain and keep mil company on her second day there while he goes out. I couldn’t imagine doing that myself.

You're not wrong to say no but I honestly don't get that hanging out with inlaws is 'wife work-. If anything it's more often the other way round, the woman's family tend to be more dominant after children are born, often leaving the man doing more in law entertainment than the woman. Or maybe it's even but certainly not what I would consider wife work

This is so interesting…see you are a complete and utter mug for doing all that and utterly bizarre for drawing the line where you did 😂 That’s bonkers!

The question is, would you expect your DH to entertain your mother on the 2nd day of her visit so you could go to the cinema for several hours? It is a bit rude especially as they could go to the cinema the following week.

Not all families are the same. My MIL (and my mum for that matter) would wait for me to put my baby to bed and then proceed to talk AT me for the next 3 hours. No way could I unwind or watch TV, she'll talk over it and ask me a million questions.

Yes I would expect my DH to get on with putting our youngest to bed while my mother sat and watched TV with a cup of tea/read a book/did her knitting while I went to the cinema with my older son for a maximum for 3 hours after 7pm on the second day of my mother visit, after I had presumably been with her all day doing something nice together. Yes I would.

Then you use your big girl voice…

& OP has stated several times she enjoys her MILs company.

Wow - so your 85 year old mother comes to visit from abroad to see their child and you just bugger off to the cinema and leave her behind?

I couldn't imagine treating a guest so rudely.

DH used to try this. His DM would come to stay and he would suggest we should go shopping or get our hair done (like it was the 1950s). She was hard work and hard to entertain/get on with.
He would try the same when we went to hers, he would try to go to his mates and leave me and DC with her. She actually only wanted to see him,

Surely it would be better if she went out for tea with SS and saw him too!

Agree, OP. My partner invited a friend who was travelling through our area to stay for a long weekend last month, then DP realised she was already booked to be elsewhere and assumed I'd be fine one-to-one with someone I had never previously met.

DP phoned the friend to say she wouldn't be here to meet up but I would and the friend, bless her, said she wanted to talk to me. She said 'This could be a nightmare for you: you don't know me and we're going to be spending 48 hours together. Can we make it work or shall I look for a hotel?' We had a chat and agreed it would be easier of she arrived on Saturday, not Friday. She also arrived with M&S food for the Saturday nigh and took herself out of the house for several hours on Sunday. Fortunately we got on well, but these things can be very intense.

My DP couldn't understand why I was so angry and why the friend was so concerned.

& the reason you can’t imagine “treating a guest so rudely” is because you have been conditioned as a woman that a guest, even if they are one of your mothers, needs constant attention, entertainment and catering whilst men have not be conditioned to believe leaving your Mum chilling for 2 hours after 7pm on the second day of her visit is a heinous crime. That’s the real feminist issue at play here.

So you don’t do “wife work” and yet you’re still being landed with dealing with the the 2 year old’s bedtime and your husband mother visits and you “…cleaned the house from top to bottom, given up my bed, booked them a mini break together, only person who has planned activities for all of us that they want to do, gone to collect a 1000-piece jigsaw for her from my friend and got the cereal she likes in…”

Why did you do all of that? Does he do anything?

If that’s saying no to ‘wife work’, I suggest you try a bit harder.

I agree with you OP. If this were reversed it would be seen as odd than you buggered off out for the evening the day after your Mum arrived for a visit. He can go to the cinema anytime.

I think context is important here and posters don’t have the benefit of it. In my example my DHs family are lovely. I do have a problem with going out on day two of any visitors’ arrival. Lastly, in terms of expectations I think it is fair to say some partners would have no problem staying in with their in law. However, in this example, my DH never ever did this (and will never have to) for me. In our dynamic, it is presumptuous of him. With no history of this ever happening before I don’t like that expectation.

If I was the 85 year old mother who had just endured a long plane trip and now found myself in a house with a two year old and a bickering couple I'd be more than grateful if everyone went out and left me to have a nice sherry and a few hours kip.