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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wife work - no thanks

159 replies

whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 18:50

Quiet small victories of showing up for yourself in a relationship. DH ‘suggested’ that he goes out to the cinema with his 17 year old son 2 days after his mother arrives from overseas for a two week visit. I said absolutely not: your mother, you invited, you entertain. I really like my MIL btw.

The following week I am traveling with our shared 2-year old alone and he has that week to do all this undisturbed and no house guest.
There is no way I would invite my mother to visit then go out and leave him to it. 🤯 The expectations on women are wild.

OP posts:
Original poster
whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 22:03

WhatdoesitmeanKeith · 14/07/2025 21:59

Ah OK. I keep seeing “wild“ on MN. Context tells me it means something like outrageous never see it or hear it anywhere but on this website.

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I have learned from this thread to think more carefully about using the expression “wild”. 👏🏻👏🏻

OP posts:
PersephonePomegranate · 14/07/2025 22:07

Whatdoidotoday · 14/07/2025 19:45

At 7pm what on earth does the Mil need? You go see to your child and let her get on with it?? Or she can just go to bed.
yabvu, it’s hardly a full day that they want to go to a movie

Oh come on! She'll have barely arrived, then the host disappears?! Of course OP would end up hostessing!

SerafinasGoose · 14/07/2025 22:15

Lifeisinteresting · 14/07/2025 18:52

@whistlesandbells i don’t think your husband going to the cinema with his son should be an issue at any time of year. I think your expectations here are unrealistic.

And the first post instantly tries to put the woman back into her box ...

nomas · 14/07/2025 22:18

YANBU, OP. I really like my MIL and we get on well when she comes to stay but I don’t want to be alone with her all day or all evening. I like having DH there so that I can go upstairs or pop out or do anything really. We spend time together but DH takes the lead in making her comfortable. And similarly with my mum, I spend a lot of time making sure my mum has what she needs (though she doesn’t come to stay) and I don’t expect DH to do this, although he also spends time with my mum too.

JLou08 · 14/07/2025 22:18

whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 20:57

That’s a big assumption. I cleaned the house from top to bottom, given up my bed, booked them a mini break together, only person who has planned activities for all of us that they want to do, gone to collect a 1000-piece jigsaw for her from my friend and got the cereal she likes in… I like my MIL and have done it with pleasure. That is as far as I am willing to go 🤣 Her son has not made these efforts, so I think it is fair to say nope, maybe go to the cinema another day.

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So you actually have done all the 'wife work' but then complained about your DH leaving his mother for a couple of hours? Which I personally don't think comes with any expectations. A guest staying for 2 weeks can be left alone for a couple of hours and they would probably appreciate it. Spending every minute of the day with the same person for 2 weeks would be my idea of hell.

SerafinasGoose · 14/07/2025 22:18

Whatdoidotoday · 14/07/2025 19:45

At 7pm what on earth does the Mil need? You go see to your child and let her get on with it?? Or she can just go to bed.
yabvu, it’s hardly a full day that they want to go to a movie

She's a guest under their roof. What she 'needs' is common courtesy.

And this needs to be provided by her own child, the person who invited her to stay in the first place. It's the absolute basics of politeness.

Good for you, OP.

Pistachiocake · 14/07/2025 22:19

tilypu · 14/07/2025 18:57

So you think it's acceptable for the host to leave the guest in someone else's company (that hasn't consented to this) in order to go to the cinema? Would you do this to your parent if they were visiting? Just leave them with whoever happens to be home?

I'm with you op. Fair enough had he asked you and you were totally on board with it. But that's not the case here.

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My grandparents often came round and just spent time with whichever parent/member of the family was there. My MIL actually probably had more in common with my mum than her son, and tended to like to pop out shopping or whatever together, not saying it should always be the case just because they're the same gender though, but it definitely wouldn't be one person only inviting their parent, unless it was very early in a relationship. They'd probably have invited everyone to the cinema though, rather than just 2 people going.

Original poster
whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 22:25

JLou08 · 14/07/2025 22:18

So you actually have done all the 'wife work' but then complained about your DH leaving his mother for a couple of hours? Which I personally don't think comes with any expectations. A guest staying for 2 weeks can be left alone for a couple of hours and they would probably appreciate it. Spending every minute of the day with the same person for 2 weeks would be my idea of hell.

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Yes, I have responded to another poster to say it is a fair point.

We will have both been at work all day, come home at 5, then he goes to the cinema with son. That really can wait. I’d be perplexed if I was grandma quite honestly.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 14/07/2025 22:30

whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 22:25

Yes, I have responded to another poster to say it is a fair point.

We will have both been at work all day, come home at 5, then he goes to the cinema with son. That really can wait. I’d be perplexed if I was grandma quite honestly.

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I didn't realise he would be working all day. That does change things and I do think it is rude of him to go out in the evening when he hasn't seen her all day.

Animatic · 14/07/2025 22:30

Does he really need to be on top of his mother for the whole 2 weeks and not all9wed to do anything else?

Neemie · 14/07/2025 22:33

MightyDandelionEsq · 14/07/2025 22:00

Maybe we’re a bit odd but we’re both well integrated into each others families. I have coffee with my MIL often, doesn’t bother me and I don’t see it as women’s work.

On the second night isn’t the night of the arrival and as it’s for his kid - not a booze trip or something else which is self involved. I really don’t get the hostility 🤷‍♀️

I guess this is the difference between those who like their in laws and those who struggle 1:1.

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I loved my MIL and spent many happy days with her when she was alive.

I do think OP’s DH is treating the women in his life a bit casually and taking them for granted. If I flew out to see my mum and she went out to the cinema the night after I arrived I would be a bit surprised. I wouldn’t do it to my mum and she wouldn’t do it to me.

WhatdoesitmeanKeith · 14/07/2025 22:33

whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 22:03

I have learned from this thread to think more carefully about using the expression “wild”. 👏🏻👏🏻

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Don’t take it the wrong way, please. I was just curious, maybe it comes from a show that I don’t watch or something.

notanothersummercold · 14/07/2025 22:42

Well done op, stamp this shit out!

Nanny0gg · 14/07/2025 22:45

Whatdoidotoday · 14/07/2025 19:45

At 7pm what on earth does the Mil need? You go see to your child and let her get on with it?? Or she can just go to bed.
yabvu, it’s hardly a full day that they want to go to a movie

Need? Company?

She's come to visit. Why would you just leave her? She might as well have stayed at home!

Nanny0gg · 14/07/2025 22:46

Animatic · 14/07/2025 22:30

Does he really need to be on top of his mother for the whole 2 weeks and not all9wed to do anything else?

Edited

He's working...

But even if he wasn't, if you have guests, you don't go and leave them for the evening

99bottlesofkombucha · 14/07/2025 22:48

Lifeisinteresting · 14/07/2025 18:52

@whistlesandbells i don’t think your husband going to the cinema with his son should be an issue at any time of year. I think your expectations here are unrealistic.

You do realise there are 50 other weeks in the year he can take his son to the cinema?

PorridgeAndSyrup · 14/07/2025 22:50

Whatdoidotoday · 14/07/2025 19:45

At 7pm what on earth does the Mil need? You go see to your child and let her get on with it?? Or she can just go to bed.
yabvu, it’s hardly a full day that they want to go to a movie

Er... I'm not a grandmother, but I should think that if, when I'm in my 80s, I make an effort to travel a long way to stay with my children (presumably it's quite a long distance if she's staying there for 2 weeks), I'd be doing so to spend time with them. Since most adults work all day, the evenings would be the time for seeing them, and I'd be pretty annoyed if they decided to bugger off and do something with someone else, that they could perfectly well do when I'm not there. It's rude.

dijonketchup · 14/07/2025 23:01

whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 19:10

In fairness, he took it well. I am just satisfied that I did speak up and did so in a non reactive way of “this doesn’t work for me.”
Sometimes it’s necessary to remind anyone to not take you for granted or assume.

Round of applause OP, I would have lost my cool already. Imagine hosting an elderly parent from a different country and expecting your partner to host while you go out for the evening without them? Bizarre. Men

Dweetfidilove · 14/07/2025 23:02

Isn't she jetlagged? How much entertaining does she need for the few hours he's at the movie?

echt · 14/07/2025 23:14

Not relevant. It's on the DH to look after his mother so soon after her arrival.

Arrivederla · 14/07/2025 23:20

LucyMonth · 14/07/2025 20:59

This is so interesting…see you are a complete and utter mug for doing all that and utterly bizarre for drawing the line where you did 😂 That’s bonkers!

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Not bizarre at all - the op has done her best to help the visit to run smoothly, but has said no when it comes to the cinema trip which is something she isn't happy with.

Perfectly dealt with, op.

EternalLodga · 14/07/2025 23:21

Posters being deliberately obtuse and belligerent tonight.

Well done OP, YANBU

JFDIYOLO · 14/07/2025 23:56

You are right.

I'd never leave my mum who's come to visit to go out and do something that excludes her.

And if I were her I'd feel a bit hurt.

But it sounds like you've been martyring yourself to top-to-bottom the house - if that was us he'd be doing half the preparing to welcome his mum and not wriggle out of the hosting.

Verbena17 · 15/07/2025 00:10

I don’t get it - you say you like your MIL and you say she’s 85.
She wont be here forever - what’s wrong with your DH going to the cinema for 2 hours and you and your MIL staying in and watching television or a movie or something?

Or couldn’t you and MIL got for dinner or a different movie etc?
It’s a couple of hours - it would be a different story if you didn’t get on but you do.
If you’re having her over from abroad, I’m guessing you don’t see her very often. And you have a child who will be seeing their grandma - that’s a lovely thing.

MrsSunshine2b · 15/07/2025 00:14

She's visiting for 2 weeks and in that time you expect him to stay home and entertain her 24/7? Surely, as an adult woman, she'll want to make some plans of her own? Or even just give her the remote so she can watch TV for a few hours whilst he's out.

You're being silly.