To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

[BeachPossum]

My son and I made a beautiful rhubarb and strawberry pie a couple of days ago, and I shared a photo of it on our family WhatsApp (parents, siblings and partners).

Yesterday afternoon my mum dropped by unexpectedly after visiting a friend nearby. I offered her a cup of tea and a biscuit and she said 'oh no, I'll have a slice of that lovely pie'. I said 'oh sorry! It's all been eaten', to which she responded with the most exaggerated display of astonishment and surprise. She kept saying 'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?', saying it would have done her and my dad for a week, we must have had huge slices etc. She made five or six comments in total.

The first time she commented I told her my in laws had been over so between them and us we'd eaten five slices, then my husband had had another piece in the afternoon following a 55km bike ride, and then the three of us had had a piece for morning coffee that day, totalling 9 slices of a normal sized pie. Not a crazy amount. Then when she kept on going on about it I tried to brush it off and move on, before eventually snapping at her to stop talking about food and appetites in front of my young children, at which point she left in a huff. She has texted me this morning to let me know she's hurt, she was just surprised, and that she wasn't saying anything inappropriate in front of the children.

She has absolute form for this. She's one of those people who always has to have the smallest appetite in the room, loves talking about meals she's forgotten to eat, loves refusing food. I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg. She's permanently on a diet, obsessed with food but never eats any, thinks that thinness is next to godliness etc. I've learned to live with it but I'll be damned if me and my children will accept being treated as revolting gluttons for eating two slices of pie over two days.

Anyway, the dilemma. She's incredibly defensive and will go nuclear if I try and get her to take any accountability. I swallow a lot of her shit for the sake of family harmony, and I'm at peace with this because she and I now have a very superficial relationship and I let her crap wash over me. But it's going to get to the point of affecting my children and when that happens I'll have to intervene and accept the fallout. So what do I say to her now? She's expecting an apology from me for snapping and reassurance that she's a lovely mother and granny who was treated unfairly. Do I:

1. Give her an insincere apology to get her to fuck off and leave me alone
2. text something very neutral like 'let's not row over pie' and hope she drops it
3. tell her she was being ridiculous and that it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour that I won't tolerate in front of my kids, and deal with whatever histrionics and drama follows
4. other suggestions welcome

Number 2 and then just see her less often. She won’t ever change her ways

Apologise for snapping then forget the whole thing.

1. She's being ridiculous.

Clearly option 2 for me. But, what a tit.

Don't apologise. Snapping was the natural consequence of her being a complete dick, repeatedly.

See her less and if she asks why, tell her 'I'm worried about the way you talk so negatively about food around my children.'

Gosh that's far too much arguing and typing about a bloody pie.

'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?'

"Yeah, quite a few people had some, not just us".

The end 🤷‍♂️

Given your para third from the bottom, I'd actually go for option 3. My best friend's mum had similar patterns of behaviour which has led to a lifetime of issues with food for her. In comparison, my mum was a good cook, and especially a good baker, taught us a lot about the nutrition and energy and taste and joy of food, and we've grown up with normal relationships with food.

And don't apologise.

Go with 2.
Do not apologise.
Don’t go nuclear.

Just focus your attention on teaching your children about healthy eating. If necessary (I don’t know how old they are) you can address it directly with them and use it as an opportunity to discuss disordered eating and beliefs about food.

I guess it depends if you love her and how old she is, and how you want to honour your connection and support her in her golden years. So there’s all that context to consider.

She says it would of lasted a full week between her and your dad , so half a pie each
But you split it between your in-laws ,you, your ds and dh so the pie ways split 5 ways which no matter what time frame you ate it over you still ate less than she would of , and she is calling you greedy???

2

I should text her this and watch the world burn 😂

Is her difficult behaviour all about food, or is she like this about other stuff too? Because to be honest it screams eating disorder.

Obvious it's different when you're on the end of it but I felt quite sad for your mum reading this, it's not much of a life constantly obsessing and starving yourself, my mum can be like this (not as bad) and I just wish there had been the understanding of disordered eating and body positivity when she was young that we have now.

On this basis I'd just ignore and change the subject whenever it goes anywhere near food.

This.

@Jacobs4 Are you OP's mother?

So you're inferring OP should be a good girl and put up with her mother's terrible behaviour because she's old.

As to 'golden years' - what the hell are those?

Exactly! This is how it should have gone, and it was so frustrating that she just would not drop it.

If she brings it up again I would !

Trying to control someone else's eating by shaming them is a horrible thing to do .

I might be tempted to mess with her head by making another pie and dropping it round there. Then she will be all conflicted about how much she can eat of it

Oh that’s so familiar. My MIL loves to tell us all how little she and her DH eat, how one chicken can last them a week, they hardly ever go to the shops etc and don’t understand how people eat so much and spend so much on food. Except, they had one child (my DP) and are now in their 70s with small appetites and incredibly limited food options (meat and veg pretty much every day) and we have a large family of 5 with dietary requirements and hungry pre-teens! They would have no idea what’s a realistic amount of pie to eat in a weekend is, either! And she’s a classic “almond mum” from the 80s with outdated info about food and health - eg. “Low fat” - and says things like “ooh this is so naughty” when she’s having a rich tea biscuit with her cup of tea or “do you really need that?” To others! . I have started speaking up a bit more so in my opinion no 3 is what I’d do. I have started saying it’s not naughty or good, it’s just food, if you’re hungry you are allowed to eat, we trust our bodies, in front of my children when she speaks up like that now.
I have explained that children today need to not grow up with morality and guilt around food, it’s not a healthy way to grow up and restriction is likely why many people my age have food issues eg. Over indulging in the things they were denied as kids.

I hear you. My brother is verging on orthorexia. He has to exercise twice every day, and watches what he eats like a hawk - all his issue, not mine - but he came to dinner this weekend and would not stop talking about food. It was like my mother was in the room! All 'are you going to eat this' 'what's in this' 'can you finish that' 'are you going to have more?'

Oh there is a long history and backstory too - she's the reason I have weekly therapy and has been a source of untold hurt and confusion in my life. I do genuinely believe she loves me, but her behaviour is and always has been very damaging to me.

Which is not to say she doesn't also have an eating disorder - I believe she does. And she has trauma from her own childhood which contributes to her being the way she is. I have made very gentle overtures to her about therapy and she was as angry as I've ever seen her at the suggestion, but she really would benefit I think.

I have a deep, dark fantasy that one day she and I will have a reckoning where we both say all the words we bite back and get the hurt out into the light to be sorted out and then instead of having this superficial, painful, spiky relationship where I'm always biting my tongue and yet still letting her down, we can become real, true friends who just love each other in an uncomplicated way. I just don't know how it could ever happen, though.

Just Do nothing honestly life is too short to be getting hung up on rubbish like this .

@DownsideUpside @FlamingoLlama its so exhausting, isn't it? You have to really fight to maintain your own normal attitude to food in the face of it and I find it's such a sensitive topic that it's really triggering.

But that's exactly how it could have gone if you didn't entertain it.

But not only did you entertain it, you've just typed a massive OP to ask strangers what they think?

Honestly, you and your mum sound fairly similar in how over involved you're both getting about a pie.

You know she wanted the slice of pie so she could eat a milligram of it and reject the rest so show you she has the "control"
Ignore her , let her simmer a bit .